My daughter is refusing to have any contact with her father.

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My 10 year old daughter is refusing to have any contact with her father because she is afraid of him. She has for the last couple of years spent a lot of time with him and there is a Court Order in place stating that there is shared care but she is adamant that she will not go and see him and is extremely distressed by the situation. She has had some contact with him over the telephone but now says that she doesn't want to talk to him on the phone either and is again becoming very upset about it and worried every time the phone rings. I am desperate to help her and protect her welfare at the same time as trying to reason with why she feels the way she does. My ex does have anger issues and I believe that this is the underlying reason for her not wanting to go. My son still goes to his fathers house as normal but my daughter gets very upset that he goes. My ex is now threatening me with legal action over my daughter not going to see him and refuses to see that there is an issue between the two of them, instead he is blaming me for the situation. Any advice on this would be very much appreciated.

Suggest to him and your DD that they do some family therapy together? If either refuses let him go the legal route and get the professional services involved to speak to your DD about why she doesn't want to go.

Support her and don't communicate with him when he goes off the deep end.

By 'anger issues' do you mean your ex is a nasty piece of work?

has he abused her? is there any way of gently finding out.

Can she talk to CAFCASS?

Let him take you to court. Your DD will then have her opportunity to explain to CAFCASS how she feels. I went through the same process earlier this year, 13yo would see dad but 15yo wouldn't. At the time of the court hearing, she hadn't seen him for 2.5 months (he filed before she refused to see him, on the grounds that they BOTH wanted 50% and I was preventing it). When you respond to the summons, you have ample opportunity to put your side of the story e.g. through completing a form C1A and speaking to CAFCASS on the phone before the hearing and in person at the hearing. The CAFCASS officer was brilliant with my 15yo DD and the hearing enabled DD to get exactly the outcome she wanted.

I know mine are older, but 10 is old enough to have legal responsibility if an offence is committed so it should be old enough to have her views heard.

Does your ds enjoy his time with his dad? Was the split acrimonious? Has your dd heard you bad mouthing him, or heard him bad mouthing you? Parental alienation can be quite common in acrimonious splits as the dc sometimes feel they are disloyal by spending time with the non resident parent, especially if there is ill feeling that they are aware of. I am only speaking from experience as dh has been on the receiving end of this. It's not about blame, but it should make you and your ex look long and hard at how you interact with each other. Children are very good at picking up on any ill feeling, however well you think you're hiding it. Providing there is no abuse taking place, it is not in your dd's best interests to be deprived of a relationship with her father, even if it appears to be her choice.

Shared care arrangements will need to be varied by the court. Currently if you do not make her available you are in breach of the order. You would be best advised making your own application to vary the order and be seen to be proactive at resolving the matter. Put all your concerns in writing to your ex together with your proposed solutions i.e. proposed mediation etc. Keep a copy yourself. If you wait for him to take you to court you'll be on the defensive.

I had attempted to start mediation with my ex over the situation indeed an appointment was booked but he declined to engage in this. We have found out now today that he has approached the court for breach of order (letter received from CAFCASS but not the court yet). Yes our split was acrimonious however I have always encouraged my DD and my DS to maintain a relationship with their father. I believe that my DD has witnessed domestic violence at her fathers house and also a very aggressive approach to her which has resulted in her being very scared of her him. My ex has a history of bullying and emotional abuse. The last time my daughter saw him within 5 mins she said she wanted to run away and find someone to help her. Its heart breaking to hear. She has also expressed her fear to her teachers at school and her headteacher has supported her throughout.

Reading this with interest as my daughter is also 10 and has recently started refusing to go to see her dad. For the last 4 years we've had a fairly flexible arrangement that's based around her going to his every second week from Thursday evening to Monday after school. The last time she was there he had a bit of an emotional meltdown, crying that he missed her, crying that he was lonely til it got to the point that he phoned me to say he was keeping her off school on the Monday as she was 'too upset' to go. He was crying down the phone to me as he said this, and I could hear her in the background also crying... I went and fetched her home. Since then she has asked for a 'break' from seeing him and even now wont see him even for a couple of hours during the day. Its been almost 2 months now. She wont talk to him on the phone as the one time she did she could tell he was 'feeling sad' (her words) so their communication is restricted to text messages.

I've no words of wisdom really other than to offer some support and say you're not the only one in this situation.
I have no idea what to do, I don't want to force my daughter to go when even talking about it upsets her. She seems to think its her fault he was so sad (he misses her etc). He has refused all suggestion that he should perhaps see his GP. I had thought he might be depressed.
At the moment he's not pushing it, but I'm sure that will happen sooner or later. I'm just trying to support her the best I can and give her opportunity to talk if she needs to.

I feel your pain Spotty - and do please ignore any suggestion that this is somehow your fault
I would be really concerned about the impact of any DV she has witnessed has had on her. Subjecting a child to any sort of DV is considered to be abusive behaviour.
If the teachers are supportive, I would use them as a source of further support. Can they recommend any resources for DD to talk to somebody about her fears ?
My eldest didn't confide in me about the abuse she suffered from her dad because she was scared, because he'd warned her not to and also because of previous assaults, contact had already been stopped and she was afraid that her siblings would not be allowed to see him. Her contact with him is now sporadic but she's a little bit older and is able to articulate just why she doesn't want to go (Naturally according to eX and OW, I'm suffering from PAS - naturally it's not them who holds DD in the night when she's screaming with flashbacks to when he was dragging her around in a fury )
I would actually embrace the intervention of Cafcass - it may be that DD will be able to articulate her fears to them. Do you have a good solicitor ? My solicitor has been my lifeline - she is so child focused and has seen through and stood up to exs manipulation and bullying at every corner.

No helpful advice for you. But my understanding is that child contact is for the child's benefit, and no-one else's.

The fact that your ex wants to force contact when she doesn't want it speaks volumes about the kind of man, and father, he is.

Your poor daughter sounds desperate.

I would agree with obtaining legal advice: maybe this blog will help too
surviveseparation.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/contact-arrangements-for-children.html

If she's afraid of him then I wouldn't make her visit him - she will probably resent you for it in the long run.

If that was aimed at me concrete I suggest you read my post again, especially the bit that says there's no blame. But situations like these are common and it's not always because the fathers are arseholes.

Anyway, if he is genuinely abusive then surely you're on fairly safe ground op in terms of not making her see him. But it doesn't explain why your ds is seemingly still happy to see him. Or isn't he?

Seems to me there's a fairly obvious explanation - this man hates women and therefore bullies your DD but not your DS. Unfortunately he may be encouraging your DS to hate women as well. 10 is old enough to be listened to by a court, seek advice from Rights of Women and Women's Aid as well as your solicitor. Any aggression from your XP should be reported to the police.

Legally, he's got no right to see her, or your son.

She's got the right to see him, as does her brother.

If she doesn't want to use those rights, she doesn't have to.

I agree with SGB about why that might be.

Put her needs first. Don't even think about making her be with someone she doesn't want to see.

Legally Leavanheath there is a court order. Which cannot be ignored.

Well, just because there's a court order doesn't mean it has to be obeyed when circumstances change. The OP can refuse contact on the grounds that this man has breached it by his bad behaviour; his refusal to engage in mediation etc will put him in a bad light. It's certainly possible to frustrate an abusive man and keep him away from DC, particularly if he continues to behave badly and the OP is able to amass evidence of this.

I would not force her to see him, surely it's possible to get the court order reassessed? (disclaimer, I know very little about this, but want to learn more.)
She is scared of him, and usually there is a reason when children are so scared of their parent they don't want to see them. Good luck.

My DS is only 6 and has never really known anything other than living at two homes. When he is at home with me he is a happy cheerful little boy always giving hugs and kisses but I am worried about him as when he is anywhere with both me and my ex present he won't even look at me. This was really obvious at a school event recently which he had been taken to by his dad but I was there also, I didn't question my son about it as that wouldn't be fair but he clearly thought he couldn't look at me. When he is here he says he doesn't want to go back but because he is so young I know his father will never take his opinion as relevant. My daughter has told me that her father 'makes them say things' about me which she says when she was younger she did do to make him 'happy'. He rang my daughter again last night wanting to take her out today and again she said no. She's already fretting about Father's Day next week as she thinks he will try and force her to go for the day.

That man is abusing your children. Get the court order changed ASAP.

He's just been to collect my son and asked my daughter again if she would go with him. Again she said no. He wouldn't take no as an answer and accused me of restricting his access to her again to my DP. He was at our house in the end for nearly half an hour and in the end my DD told him to stop it and walked away. I now have a very distressed DD again

Contrary to MRA beliefs, a court order isn't about a parent's rights. It's made to legalise children's rights.

If a child doesn't want to use those rights any longer, that's her prerogative. But she's got to rely on the adults in her life respecting her wishes, either by not enforcing what they mistakenly think are their rights or by getting the court order changed.

These children's views need to be heard and acted upon.

tell him totake it back to court. ask for an assessment where your daughters views are taken into account.

similar sit =- dd1 refuses to see ex, dd2 10 only infrequently.
we have been to family therapy which has been useful - please go to GP and ask for referral. this will also show courts that you taking your dd distress seriously and looking for solution.

I had to go with ex for initial assessment then attended sessions both with dds and them without me. and me without them. they used various techniques to draw out what was going on , what they wished from dad to make contact ok, etc etc. the upshot after few months is that dd1 resolute in no contact and dd2 only wants infrequent.

this doesn't stop dad demanding more but if they wont go; it wont happen. therapists who observed will also feed back to him...what it did do was make it clear the reasons why they want no or infrequent contact. and I see them as valid...I was also able to make clear I wasn't stopping them having contact, indeed was encouraging them.

what came out clearly was while there could be things he could do (or not do) to make contact better - they didn't trust him to do (or not do) those things.

if your dd is able to express in safe setting and with trained therapist what she dislikes about contact, what could make it better and whether there is possibility that dad would listen then over some months things may resolve - or may be clearer that contact is not in her best interest.

if she distressed at contact you can argue in court this is "reasonable excuse" for her not to go - if you proactive in asking for help with dd then cafcass/court will see you are dong the right thing t try to resolve the situation.

if a teacher headteacher has also recorded what dd has said that is also relevant.