Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Tight or me being unreasonable?

51 replies

DLCC · 07/06/2013 16:44

I have been seeing a guy for about 10 months now. We are both divorced, in our early 40's with two boys each (his 7& 9) mine (8 & 4). He has his children 50% of the time. During the last half term he had them from Wednesday lunch time for the rest of the week. Our children have met and get on well. He was going to ask his 74 year old Mum who has just had a hip replacement to look after them, she would have had to travel 2 hours by car to get to him, I felt sorry for her and wasn't working those days so I offered to have them as I was off with mine anyway. He was working so I drove to collect them from his ex (50 minutes away) and brought them back to mine, I had also done a supermarket shop in preparation for their stay, I took all off them to the park over the next couple of days, fed them obviously plus ice creams and drinks in the park. He got in from work at about 730 from work (Usually it's 6 when he uses a childminder but he thought he'd use the time, 'to catch up on email') on the Wednesday and Thursday and then on the Friday when he usually finishes at 1, rolled up about 3. Friday evening we all went out for dinner and when the bill came I casually said, 'Shall I give you some money', (DOH!) and he said, 'OK shall we go halves'. Now am I being out of order to think that it would have been nice of him to pay as a bit of gratitude?? I know I offered etc etc.....

He has invited me to a wedding later in the year but has suggested I pay half for the hotel. He earns twice as much as me (he doesn't pay his ex a massive amount as he has them 50%) but we have the same outgoings. I own my house, he is in rented after selling the marital home.

The whole money issue is really getting to me, he's mentioned a festival later in the year but I've basically said I can't afford it and any spare cash I have (which is a rare luxury) is going to be spent on the house. We get on great and I can see a future ahead of us but it's the money thing that needs to be sorted out.....

OP posts:

SquinkiesRule · 07/06/2013 17:23

Tightwad. Sort it now or it'll get worse. Do you live together?

SolidGoldBrass · 07/06/2013 17:26

Did he offer or give you any money for feeding his DC for three days? If not, then he is a scrounging cocklodger and you should probably keep him as a boyfriend rather than ever setting up home together.

Corygal · 07/06/2013 17:28

Tight as a badger's arse. They don't change.

ImperialBlether · 07/06/2013 17:29

You see, I have this problem with people having fifty fifty custody etc. Was his ex wife working during half term? I wouldn't have been able to stand my children being minded by their dad's girlfriend - IMO if they weren't with him, I would want them with me or with paid childcare. But this is beside the point.

He does sound mean. Do you think he thinks that well, you have your own house and he doesn't, so he isn't going to fund that any further? He sounds really disrespectful letting you look after his children (and looking after four is hard work) and then coming home late on each occasion, then not even taking you for a meal as a thank you. Couldn't he have picked them up from his ex? He sounds entitled, to be honest.

claudedebussy · 07/06/2013 17:30

tight.

i'd ask him for a contribution for his kid's costs and i also wouldn't be in such a hurry to step in.

ImperialBlether · 07/06/2013 17:33

Just realised he didn't give you money to buy food or treats for his kids. Jesus.

Original poster

DLCC · 07/06/2013 17:38

With him and his ex it's all so bloody stringent and down the line, it's 50% with no flexibility whatsoever, she has just had another baby with her new partner, today actually. His ex never went back to work after her children with him and I think he holds this massive grudge. Not my fault obviously.

He talks about living together (we don't btw) and buying somewhere, I've said I'm not selling my place as it's for my boys future, it has quite a lot of equity in it and I'm almost thinking now he thinks he's on to a good thing with free childcare and someone with a big deposit to buy somewhere.

Blether, I know what you mean re me looking after them, I'd feel the same, but she was perfectly fine with it and we had a 20 minute chat when I collected them....

Claude, it definitely won't be happening again...

Solid, after I said I'd done a shop he said, 'Oh I must give you some money for that', ermmmmmmmmm okayyyyy, nothing!

Re the wedding, I wouldnlt mind going halves but I've never met the couple and HE invited ME?

OP posts:

Twitterqueen · 07/06/2013 17:39

Suggestion: You need to itemise everything that you have spent on his children and then ask him for the money, presenting him with the list at the same time. It's a face-off that you need to take control of, now. Include child care costs, petrol, everything.

Do this now. Because you need to set the precedent from the outset. He needs to know that he has to take responsibility - financially, emotionally and parentally (OK, no such word), for his children.

LaurieFairyCake · 07/06/2013 17:39

You ask directly. You say 'you owe me 50 quid'. No arguing needed. No raises voice.

Just flat demand.

Leavenheath · 07/06/2013 17:47

Not only did he expect you to feed and entertain his kids for free, he took the piss with his home times.

ImperialBlether · 07/06/2013 17:50

AND he insisted he wanted the kids with him when they could've stayed at home with their mum, for all they've seen of him.

I don't like him, OP!

comingintomyown · 07/06/2013 17:52

Totally with Twitterqueen and if he looks askance then point out his readiness for restaurant bills etc to be settled equitably should extend to everything.

Honestly though if it was me I would bin him because innocent as those extra hours at work or no flowers for having his DC may seem it tells you what he thinks of you

claudedebussy · 07/06/2013 17:54

that's actually what would piss me off - that he's never late for the childminder but since you were looking after them - unpaid - he felt it reasonable to take a 1.5 - 2 hour liberty as well.

he's sitting pretty isn't he?

doesn't have to pay for childcare, food, petrol or treats!

and i would definitely be saying that since he invited you he has to pay for that wedding, otherwise you're not paying to go to the wedding of a stranger.

think about this: do you want this to be the reality of your relationship? counting pennies and bartering?

expatinscotland · 07/06/2013 17:55

Tight. Tell him what he owes you and once you get it, dump him. Really. Can't believe he didn't offer to give you a bean for his kids and used you for childcare for hours and hours.

expatinscotland · 07/06/2013 17:58

And yy, let's buy a place together. BULLSHIT. Dump, dump, dump.

Yonihadtoask · 07/06/2013 17:59

He is being tight and taking advantage of your good nature.

Think very, very, very carefuly before you get more involved.

ImperialBlether · 07/06/2013 18:02

I think he can't believe his luck. You have your own home. It's unlikely you'll want more children with him. You're prepared to look after his children in the most unfair of situations. You're willing to travel to his ex's house to pick them up. You'll do a big shop beforehand and treat them to icecreams etc. You put up with him coming home from work late - aka being in the pub or surfing the internet at home while you make dinner for everyone.

Seriously, OP, get rid.

patienceisvirtuous · 07/06/2013 18:10

Maybe he is just thoughtless and you need a chat to nip it in the bud.

If he then doesn't change l t b.

expatinscotland · 07/06/2013 18:16

Oh, he's thoughtless alright: going to ask his mum who just had a hip replacement to look after his kids, waltzing in hours late days in a row when the girlfriend has them, goes halves on everything but that which his girlfriend buys for his kids etc etc.

wundawoman · 07/06/2013 18:30

Be careful - he may see you as very convenient (and cheap) childcare!!!!

I have been in this situation and was left to "look after" his son while he worked late and even went to the football!!! He did not even ask me as such, just casually told me!! We were only going out at the time, not living together. I felt it was a bit out of order at the time and regret not raising the issue at the time. but i was naive (and wanted to do the right thing...)

chillinwithmyyonis · 07/06/2013 18:39

It sounds like he's taking advantage of your good nature, its not being thoughtless is it? Rolling up late to pick up his own children, while he 'checks his emails', thats not lack of thought - thats deliberate. I don't see how having a chat will make much difference, can't teach an old dog new tricks and all that.

comingintomyown · 07/06/2013 19:14

The thing is ask yourself if the roles were reversed and he had been looking after your DC while you were at work would you have decided to add on a big chunk of time ?

SquinkiesRule · 07/06/2013 19:14

Probably these are many of the reasons that he has an exW.
She must be pretty nice and laid back to chat to you for 20 minutes and see the kids off with you OP.

changeforthebetter · 07/06/2013 19:22

Tighter than a frigid badger's arse love!

I would take a big step back. Tell him why - but honestly, if he is too thick to realise how grossly unfair this is then would you want to be with him anyway? I don't think he is thick btw - manipulative and stingy, however.....

Original poster

DLCC · 07/06/2013 19:34

Thanks for all the advice, I really appreciate it, I'm still at a bit of a loss, I lost my stepmother last month after a long battle with cancer, my divorce also came through in April (we'd been separated for over 3 years) and he was really, really supportive through both those things, both of which are pretty heavy things to go through during the first year of a relationship. I know something's got to be done but I hate confrontation but I don't want to be taken the piss out of either. I think he realises I won't be having the children again though, I've made that quite clear, especially when one of them wee'd in a glass and put it in the freezer but that's a different story!!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3