Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Tight or me being unreasonable?

51 replies

DLCC · 07/06/2013 16:44

I have been seeing a guy for about 10 months now. We are both divorced, in our early 40's with two boys each (his 7& 9) mine (8 & 4). He has his children 50% of the time. During the last half term he had them from Wednesday lunch time for the rest of the week. Our children have met and get on well. He was going to ask his 74 year old Mum who has just had a hip replacement to look after them, she would have had to travel 2 hours by car to get to him, I felt sorry for her and wasn't working those days so I offered to have them as I was off with mine anyway. He was working so I drove to collect them from his ex (50 minutes away) and brought them back to mine, I had also done a supermarket shop in preparation for their stay, I took all off them to the park over the next couple of days, fed them obviously plus ice creams and drinks in the park. He got in from work at about 730 from work (Usually it's 6 when he uses a childminder but he thought he'd use the time, 'to catch up on email') on the Wednesday and Thursday and then on the Friday when he usually finishes at 1, rolled up about 3. Friday evening we all went out for dinner and when the bill came I casually said, 'Shall I give you some money', (DOH!) and he said, 'OK shall we go halves'. Now am I being out of order to think that it would have been nice of him to pay as a bit of gratitude?? I know I offered etc etc.....

He has invited me to a wedding later in the year but has suggested I pay half for the hotel. He earns twice as much as me (he doesn't pay his ex a massive amount as he has them 50%) but we have the same outgoings. I own my house, he is in rented after selling the marital home.

The whole money issue is really getting to me, he's mentioned a festival later in the year but I've basically said I can't afford it and any spare cash I have (which is a rare luxury) is going to be spent on the house. We get on great and I can see a future ahead of us but it's the money thing that needs to be sorted out.....

OP posts:

Somethingtothinkabout · 07/06/2013 19:38

Could you broach the subject with him by explaining that you've had a look at your finances and you just can't afford to go to the wedding? If he looks surprised explain that he might have overestimated your disposable income. Then you've told him and you can see where the conversation goes from there. Should give you an insight into his attitude to you.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 07/06/2013 19:48

I'm sorry he's turned out to be like this (and I know it's not easy to meet people when you are no longer young, childfree & single so I don't say this lightly!!) but I would be getting rid of this one now. It's not only that he's as tight as a ducks bum, but that he has no respect or thought for you - he's taking the piss and your relationship is new - this will not go well if you stay with him. Sorry.

tallwivglasses · 07/06/2013 19:58

OP, all stories have sub-plots. Please tell us about the wee in the freezer...

I'm sorry for your loss.

(He's a tight-arse btw)

nkf · 07/06/2013 20:04

Oddly enough, I don't think I'd ask for money for what I'd spent so far. He should have been more generous with a treat for you for being so good to him and and his children. He should have stepped up and come up with cash. But, if you didn't insist up front, it's a bit hard to ask for it now. Other will people will say differently, of course.

Wee? Freezer?

claudedebussy · 07/06/2013 20:53

wtaf?

bran · 07/06/2013 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Potteresque97 · 07/06/2013 21:14

Yeah for me the fact that he turned up late and not just a bit three times without discussing it with you or checking it was ok. Disrespectful as well as being a bit unappreciative in general.

Snazzywaitingforsummer · 07/06/2013 21:34

Agree he is tight.

With the money on the shopping, either:

Just ask 'Can I get that money that you said you'd give me toward the food shop? It works out at £40'

Next time you are somewhere with a bill you would go halves on, say 'Actually, we haven't settled up for the shopping money yet, so if you take that off then mine is paid for, and it'll just be another £10 towards the food shop after that'.

If he earns twice as much as you, then he needs to cough up proportionately more. When any costly activity is mentioned, you need to say 'My outgoings just don't allow for that so I'll have to give it a miss'. Say this for the wedding.

And, of course, think the relationship over carefully.

SolidGoldBrass · 07/06/2013 21:41

It sounds to me like this man thinks of himself as an excellent catch that any woman would be prepared to do almost anything to keep. Is he massively good looking, OP? Or do you think he might have been in his younger days? Or just the type of man who thinks that women should be grateful for male attention and that the worst thing that could happen is for them to be rendered single.

Original poster

DLCC · 07/06/2013 21:49

Aaaahhhh the wee! well his son thought it would be a really funny, 'prank', to wee in a glass and put it in my freezer (apparently my eldest son joined in too??) and his other one drew faces in permanent marker on my son's pool balls....
'We were just doing pranks',
I'll give you pranks you little...!!!

OP posts:

GingerJulep · 07/06/2013 22:28

Sounds as though he offered to pay something for the shop? As above, simply tell him how much it works out at and/or take it off the next 50/50 spend.

How much either earn/spend is by-the-by at this stage. That will be a result of nature/nurture/life chances/talent/luck/inclination/whatever... not anything either should be penalised for.

On the childcare front, well, OP offered. He, presumably, wasn't going to pay his mum so don't see that he'd pay the OP.

DisAstrophe · 08/06/2013 00:00

I think the complete inflexibility on the 50 - 50 childcare is somehow worrying. Is that about reducing his childcare bill or is it simply a loving arrangement that works as well as possible given a divorce?

And very off asking his post operative mum to have them - or was he just angling for you to offer?

I think you need to slow the relationship right down. Don't move in with him without being very sure.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 08/06/2013 00:50

10 months in... just back right out of it. Honestly, between the 3 of them it will be nothing but grief & life is tooooo short for that shit or wee

MummaBubba123 · 08/06/2013 07:24

Tight
Ungrateful
Disrespectful
Taking advantage

I don't think that's what I'd hope for on a future relationship.
I can imagine him expecting you to take on his childcare as an expectation that goes in thanked for years to come.
No thank you.
However much likes him, is resent and be shocked by the sort of behaviour you've described. I'd start to think 'that's why she left' about his ex - and would either feel unhappy n trapped - or follow suit!

claudedebussy · 08/06/2013 07:49

how does he know that you won't be doing childcare for him again?

jayho · 08/06/2013 08:45

Bill him: petrol, food, treats, childcare, cleaning.

I had one of these recently, I was at his on a child free weekend, he had his two, Sunday morning woke me at about 7am and asked if I minded if he played golf. Said no and thought no more of it. Drifted downstairs about 2 hours later to find he'd left his kids with me.

Bollocked him when he got back, he didn't see the problem.

Don't see him anymore.

Anniegetyourgun · 08/06/2013 08:57

So sorry you've had such a rubbish year.

Some men think childcare is a woman's "thing" so, if there are children to be looked after, the obvious solution is to look around for the nearest person of a vaguely female description. Of course they won't mind, looking after children is what women do. This is, needless to say, bullshit and shouldn't be pandered to.

If you love someone you want to do things for them - as you have been doing. That's really nice. However, the party of the second part seems to think that his role in this relationship is kindly allowing you to do things for him, rather than reciprocating. I know you don't do confrontation but seriously, if you make yourself into a doormat he will carry on wiping his feet on you and have no idea (or, more likely IMO, do a good impression of having no idea) that there is anything wrong.

I'm glad you are not completely sold on the idea of buying a place "together" with mainly your assets!

I can do hugs and sympathy too, will you do my grocery shopping please? I can pay you... er, next Tuesday? Is a cheque ok?

Walkacrossthesand · 08/06/2013 09:13

And I know that this may be jumping the gun massively, but bear in mind that if you buy a house together using the equity from your house, then get married, then split up, the marital assets (ie house) are (I believe) divided 50:50 regardless of who contributed what. I wouldn't want to risk that, myself....

DeckSwabber · 08/06/2013 09:33

While I agree he's behaved badly maybe he's interpreted your behaviour differently, ie, you thought it was kind and thoughtful of you to offer to have the boys but expected it to be seen as a 'favour' - he thought you were making a bigger commitment to his family and actually wanted to spend the time getting know his kids.

Also, yes he sounds really mean but perhaps you have also been a bit soft in not ensuring that he contributes his bit. Why did you offer him some money for the meal? Sorry, but if I felt he owed me I would have sat back and let him pay. And don't wait to be offered money - next time (if there is a next time) say you need a float for food, trips and ice creams.

Also have you considered that he may not have as much money as he says? Perhaps a really honest discussion is needed.

Branleuse · 08/06/2013 10:14

you need a big conversation

"we need to talk"

then see how it goes

Darkesteyes · 08/06/2013 23:01

Deckswabber said

Also have you considered that he may not have as much money as he says?

Well if this tightwad has lied about that then
a How the fuck is it the OPS fault (having a vagina doesnt make you psychic.
B. its no excuse for behaving like a tightwad and taking the piss.

But noooo the OP has to second guess everything and micro manage??? Really??!!

DeckSwabber · 09/06/2013 09:00

Darkest none of this is the OPs fault. She sounds lovely!

The relationship is quite new so it may not be too late resolve these issues.

WRT his financial situation he has maintenance and rent to pay, so even relatively modest debts on top of this might make his situation quite tight even if he earns a lot more than the OP.

On the other hand, I would be concerned that he wants to go halves on things like the hotel room for HIS friends wedding. In that situation I would regard the OP as my guest and would pay it all, no question.

Darkesteyes · 09/06/2013 18:32

Agreed Deckswabber. Im willing to bet his tightwaddery or even financial abuse contributed towards his divorce.

clam · 09/06/2013 18:40

Might be an idea, next time you pick up his kids from his ex, to use that time to get her side of the break-up!

FarBetterNow · 09/06/2013 18:50

You see even if you ask him for money for the extra food etc and he then gives it to you, he is still mean.
If he was generous natured you wouldn't have to ask for it.

Him asking you for money for the hotel is terrible.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread