Why, why, why??!!! Why couldn't he answer a simple question????

[Yearofme]

Just posted in pregnancy loss as is coming up to what should of been my due date and this has dredged up lots of feelings. I'm starting a thread here because didnt think this part of it would be ok on that board iykwim?

Brief background:
Me and XDP planned baby, I got pregnant, at 12 week scan find out baby has disability incompatible with life, had a TFMR. I struggled with the desiscion, but it was anacephaly so baby would have died a few hours after birth or been still born later in pregnancy, so felt I had no choice.

Now I can see XDP was incredible EA, he said horrible, degrading things about myself and DD.
Gas lighting, compulsive lying, re writing history, stonewalling, he had all of those lovely qualities.

But the thing that infuriates me the most, is that, after the termination, he was fine. I then got ill, seriously ill. And it was like a light switch went off in his head, he was so cruel.

I had to call my own ambulance twice, he refused to call it for me, then shouted at me for waking him up (he was sleeping on the sofa as he refsused to sleep in the bed with me once i got ill) he hid my phone chargers when I could barely move so my phone ran out of battery and left me home alone while I was heamorraghing (sp) and had serious infection. (if my mum didnt happen to come round have a key I'd be dead) he didnt even care about this, it took him 12 hours to come to the hospital when I was rushed in.

Everyday while I was ill I had a variation of
I love you but I'm not in love with you, I'm leaving you
I'm don't want to be with you anymore I'm not happy blah blah blah, when I called him on it and said leave then, he refused.

Another time I had a heavy bleeding episode and he shut me in the bathroom and went to bed when I was in and out of consciousness.

Another time I was heavily bleeding, I mean heavily heavily, and he started having sex with me, I was crying, he stopped, slapped me ro

The last thing that happened was that, He said he wished it would of been my DD that had been terminated then got angry when I wouldnt agree I cried and cried when he said that and told him to leave, he said refused, then apologised, then spent about an hour telling me:

how he was better than me in everyway
how his family hated me
how my life was shit without him,
how it was my fault (the anacephaly)
How he was glad he didnt waste his life on me
And that he was LEAVING ME because he wanted to go to the pub and live with him mum.

then left me while screaming at me that I'd dumped him, he left

Thank for for bearing with me!!

I didn't hear from him for 6 weeks, he then turned up with all sad and down, saying how heartbroken he was how he cried everyday and missed me and wasn't happier without me.

I then asked him, ok so why did you behave the way you did?

He has no answer, he just said I don't know, I gave him examples (like the situations above) and he just said, I don't know. And left.

I deleted his number and got on with my life but now it's nearly my due date, this is making me furious.

Why would someone treat anyone they were supposed to have loved like that when they was ill? Why be ok after the termination then go bat shit when I was ill? Why why why? I know this is pointless, and I need to let it go, but it infuriates me, if he gave me a reason I'd be fine.
But he never did.

If I'm missing anything, if the reason is glaringly obvious, please say, I'm really struggling with it all today

Testing name change

I have read your posts with my mouth open - what a spiteful, vile, inadequate little man.

You know, its not too late to go to the police about the rape cunting bastard :(

Firstly Year I am so sorry for your loss and your grief and I am so glad you and DD are safe now.

I wanted to second OneHolyCow and her advice. I don't want to give away too many identifying details even with NC. BUT a relative of mine married a similar man to your XP. A number of women filed reports about him at local police station, the police stacked up the evidence. He is now in prison. It was her word against his (years had passed) but the police and the jury believed her evidence. The local police seemed to be very well trained in working with rape survivors, providing support etc though I know this is not the case all over the country

Good luck - it is a hard decision to make. but you are out of the woods.

Thank you girlwithnoname if you file a report about someone, are they notified? Do they know that you've done it, that anyone's done it? Do they get told an anonymous report has been made?

I have emailed woman's aid as well.

Thank you for all your replies it really is helping me xx

I am sorry that you went through such a terrible time with your pregnancy loss. Please teport him to the police and let them prosecute him for attempted rape, murder and assault. His crimes need to be made public and if hes done it to you once he will do it to someone else.

You have to look into how it is done when you file a report. Where I was, they used to ask whether you wanted the police to make contact with the perpetrator or not. In some cases, they argued, it might be enough to let someone know they are being watched to stop whatever they are doing. That is, of course, not always true. So the thing was that they would not do it without telling the woman and not when the woman said not to.

It is hard to trust.. mistakes are made and all that. Good that you got in touch with woman's aid, they would know the answers in your situation and region.

I myself went on with pressing charges and it went to court so he knew very well what I had done but different story, different place and all that. I had victim support and the volunteer was very helpful.
She was also allowed access where others were not allowed, like in closed sessions where I was not allowed a friend for moral support but she was.

Take care Year, don't rush into anything.