Why, why, why??!!! Why couldn't he answer a simple question????

[Yearofme]

Just posted in pregnancy loss as is coming up to what should of been my due date and this has dredged up lots of feelings. I'm starting a thread here because didnt think this part of it would be ok on that board iykwim?

Brief background:
Me and XDP planned baby, I got pregnant, at 12 week scan find out baby has disability incompatible with life, had a TFMR. I struggled with the desiscion, but it was anacephaly so baby would have died a few hours after birth or been still born later in pregnancy, so felt I had no choice.

Now I can see XDP was incredible EA, he said horrible, degrading things about myself and DD.
Gas lighting, compulsive lying, re writing history, stonewalling, he had all of those lovely qualities.

But the thing that infuriates me the most, is that, after the termination, he was fine. I then got ill, seriously ill. And it was like a light switch went off in his head, he was so cruel.

I had to call my own ambulance twice, he refused to call it for me, then shouted at me for waking him up (he was sleeping on the sofa as he refsused to sleep in the bed with me once i got ill) he hid my phone chargers when I could barely move so my phone ran out of battery and left me home alone while I was heamorraghing (sp) and had serious infection. (if my mum didnt happen to come round have a key I'd be dead) he didnt even care about this, it took him 12 hours to come to the hospital when I was rushed in.

Everyday while I was ill I had a variation of
I love you but I'm not in love with you, I'm leaving you
I'm don't want to be with you anymore I'm not happy blah blah blah, when I called him on it and said leave then, he refused.

Another time I had a heavy bleeding episode and he shut me in the bathroom and went to bed when I was in and out of consciousness.

Another time I was heavily bleeding, I mean heavily heavily, and he started having sex with me, I was crying, he stopped, slapped me ro

The last thing that happened was that, He said he wished it would of been my DD that had been terminated then got angry when I wouldnt agree I cried and cried when he said that and told him to leave, he said refused, then apologised, then spent about an hour telling me:

how he was better than me in everyway
how his family hated me
how my life was shit without him,
how it was my fault (the anacephaly)
How he was glad he didnt waste his life on me
And that he was LEAVING ME because he wanted to go to the pub and live with him mum.

then left me while screaming at me that I'd dumped him, he left

Thank for for bearing with me!!

I didn't hear from him for 6 weeks, he then turned up with all sad and down, saying how heartbroken he was how he cried everyday and missed me and wasn't happier without me.

I then asked him, ok so why did you behave the way you did?

He has no answer, he just said I don't know, I gave him examples (like the situations above) and he just said, I don't know. And left.

I deleted his number and got on with my life but now it's nearly my due date, this is making me furious.

Why would someone treat anyone they were supposed to have loved like that when they was ill? Why be ok after the termination then go bat shit when I was ill? Why why why? I know this is pointless, and I need to let it go, but it infuriates me, if he gave me a reason I'd be fine.
But he never did.

If I'm missing anything, if the reason is glaringly obvious, please say, I'm really struggling with it all today

ofmice is right. You should go to the police. That would give you the closure you need because that man needs punishing for what he did to you.

If you go to the police you will have to go through this all again. What he did was horrible so it is bound to take you a length of time to get over this.

You imply he was ok the rest of the time but I would think anyone who can be this cruel is a sadistic individual and I wonder why you ended up with someone like this. Do you have low self-esteem due to an unhappy childhood or something that allowed you to get into a relationship with him.

Trying to improve your self-esteem might help you move on. Perhaps women's Aid have advice or reading material or a counsellor to help you with this.

I would go to police too. He CANNOT get away with his calculated, evil behaviour towards you OP. He is a rapist.
You have been treated disgracefully. Horrifically.
What a grade A c**t he is. You have been incredibly strong, dealing with your loss and then all that violence and abuse. He's evil!!
I'm sorry but I don't think he ever loved you, he can't have done if he was prepared to treat you that way. I speak as someone who has been through similar abuse while pregnant (not as severe as yours but Police called 3 times) and I know how confused you must be/have been.
You are shot of him now. Like other wise posters have said, concentrate on yourself and your future, you deserve a nice life filled with peace, not shouting and sexual assault.
Everyone on MN is here for you
Sending best wishes and love to you OP.

My God, what a BASTARD.

Like Grinkly said, yes call womens Aid, if only to talk xx

He sounds like a sociopathic cunt. Your better off on your own without his bullshit excuses..

Sorry about the baby x

I agree with Bogeyface..
Whatever he might say is not going to make a real difference, you have to focus on yourself. Go to your GP, get some help.
You have had a very close escape. You have been making some very good decisions about your life and home but you may need some more help to deal with these questions. Brave woman.

My counsellor suggested the police but the thing is, it would be my word against his. He is a skilled liar. Up to the point I got pregnant he'd spun me this fairy tale. Then I got pregnant and it all started unraveling. But he was so convincing at the beginning.

When we met, I had had a tough year previously and had just started a new job, he worked there too. After the first day we met, he swapped all his shifts to be with me, text me continuously when not at work. I literally did not have a second to breathe since the moment we met.

When we got together he wanted to be with me 24/7. His mother is hardwork, she's been emotionally reliant on him since he was young and financially reliant on him since he was 16. I saw first hand the emotional blackmail she put on him about his dad (he left when he was two) so I felt sorry for him. Playing the victim is both of there default responses to any situation. He was a bit odd but I put it down to insecurity. He tried to keep my DD away from her dad who i have joint custody with, but I ignored him, he tried to keep me away from my friends, but I ignored him, all these things that he tried, but because I didn't give in I thought it was ok now I can see he was trying to break me, as as soon as I became pregnant, he actually said haha I've got you now (as a joke, again )

Another thing about the police, we both still work for the same company. It's unlikely ill see him again, but a possibility. But people know we were together. I couldn't deal with it if the police got involved. It's a good job so I don't want any grief. And he was terrified on my dad and brother (who's 6'7" and built like a brick shit house) so I think that's why he's left me alone. My family is massive, and all live within 10 mins of each other, this seemed to infuriate him and he kept trying to create a wedge between me and them, but it didnt work, as they are.....thick skinned iykwim

My counsellor said that sociopaths have an ability to know what they can get away with, and that's why hes left me alone. (When I was ill my brother was away, he actually left for good the day before he came back)

My counsellor did say mild PTSD and I can see clearly why and how I got into it and am confident i won't get into that situation again. I've read Lundy Bancroft as well.

He did make me feel like a freak, about everything in my life tbh, like I should of been so grateful he was with me.

Sorry my replies are so long, this is the first time I've felt ready to be able to explain everything and it's helping me so much. So thank you

lunatic

I have lurked on those boards and posted a little bit. But my feelings about it are so strange. It was a much wanted baby, and I was devastated when it happened, the baby part of it, I don't think I will ever get over or forget about, ill just learn to live with it. Now it's nearly my due date I just want to sob and sob into a babygro

But I can't shake the feeling that, as pp have said, it happened for a reason, It gives me chills to think of what life would of been like for the baby, my DD and myself if the pregnancy had continued and been healthy. I can see now that logically it was for the best. But it kills me to say that, I feel so guilty for thinking that.

So I feel like a fraud on the pregnancy loss boards it's like my mind is split into two. They are such conflicting feelings.

I genuinely believe that going to the police would be pointless. About the sex - my word against his, the things he said, my word against his, the phone charger - I'd sound crazy and again he'd deny it. I don't doubt they would listen to me but I doubt they would be able to do anything.

But that makes me feel guilty that another woman will have to deal with this, and maybe have children with him, It would be awful for them. It's so hard I just hope he doesn't go on to seriously hurt someone one day. If it wasn't for my family being close by when I was ill, and prior to the illness, me being so ummmm spirited and not taking it, I think id be dead or seriously hurt by him now. But there are women with no family's to help them. I feel so responsible. Before me his favourite type of lady was 17/18 yr old virgins (now I can see why) so I don't doubt he'd go right back to that.

Sorry for the rambling I hope it makes sense.

If you want to sob into a babygro, why not do it.

Who wouldn't grieve for the loss of a little one. Your feelings are ok, whatever they are.

The sociopath XP is just complicating things in your mind, I think. Can you allow yourself to just feel what you feel? There's no need for guilt, but that can show up anyway, irrespective of your power to affect what happened. So try not to reason it out too much, just vent away and let yourself off the hook a bit.

If you do want to talk to the police anytime, you could talk to them on the non emergency number, and just ask advice. They are very tough on domestic violence these days, having specialist units to deal with it. The things that happened do not sound crazy to them, they have heard it all before. And it's possible they already know about him.

So if you ever wanted to do that, you can.... But just now I agree with others: you MUST put yourself and your wellbeing first. Be kind to yourself.

Hi OP,

Your story is one of the more shocking that I have read on here. To get away from him is impressive - somebody this abusive, this manipulative is extremely difficult to disentangle yourself from.

I'm a barrister and can help a little with the legal process. If you wanted to make a complaint to the police, it would be treated in the strictest confidence. No-one would need to know unless or until it went to trial, and even then it is unlikely your colleagues would find out.

You may find it helpful just to talk it through with officers - and at the very least have him hauled in for questioning. Even though they may not proceed with it, it would set down a marker - you will not stand to be treated that way.

It's something to think about, anyway. Please do get some help and take care of yourself.

The thought of going to the police makes my blood run cold.
His brother is a policeman where he lives (an hour from me) plus I fear the repacussions from him, he won't be locked up, he knows where I live, where DD goes to school, where I work and the fact I'm there alone sometimes early mornings and late evenings. He still has a key to my house (I have had an extra lock fitted and am getting a new front door end of July, can't afford it before then)

This thread is the most detail I've gone into about what he did to me, it's not even all of it. And it's taken me 6 months to be able to do this clearly and logically.

I have been doing really well. And am happy with my life and plans for the future. I'm going back to college in September for a night class and have recently been promoted.

We have no mutual friends, he's blocked on Facebook hes not on twitter, have deleted his number. I last saw him early feb. I have no idea where he is or what he's doing, apart from he still works for the same company, but have no idea where on the network, could bump into him at any time. And I am getting moved in 4 weeks (promotion related) but im just glad he's left me alone, and I feel like I need to let sleeping dogs lie iykwim. But I feel so selfish.

The last thing I said to him was get some professional help and he said he would. Do you think he would change, and treat future girlfriends better? Knowing him he probably had one lined up before he even left this is so hard. My gut knows what he is and the fact he will never change, but a tiny part of me hopes he has dealt with his issues and changed.

You're doing really well looking after yourself. Really. No need to feel guilty 'coz sometimes (like these times) that just what you have to do.
You could maybe give yourself some space by saying: maybe later, when it can't backfire, when things are different.. I'll consider the police option.
But you do not have to.
I am not very knowledgeable about how it works in the UK. I know in some places you can make an informal report without pressing charges. It builds up a file on someone so if someone else reports something the police can see there is a pattern.
To be honest, I would do nothing without (women/abuse conscious) legal advice. And probably not for a while as you are recovering and need your strength.
You are a brave woman. You've made some excellent choices.

Yes, great post from OneHolyCow.

You must prioritise yourself, Yearof. We are just strangers on the internet, trying to help, or respond helpfully: we aren't living your life. We aren't trained professionals, or rather we aren't acting in that capacity here. I will borrow some wise words from another thread: do what is right for your safety and comfort.

Keep thinking of safety, and comfort, and how you can attain that, while you build up strength again. Do not do anything that makes you feel worse. Try not to think of XP too much, if at all. Just safety and comfort.

Thank you, I will look into a informal complaint, it might help someone in the future but I hope it wouldn't ever have to come to that
Only about a month ago I acknowledged to myself that it was rape. I had been rationalising it as 'well we were in a relationship, I didn't actually say the word no, he always liked it rough, he didnt understand how much pain I was in' etc
But then I realised that, I was heavily bleeding, in agony beside myself with grief, he hadnt spoken to me all day and about an hour previously he had watched me crawl to the kitchen to get my medicine (2 different antibiotics and iron tablets) because he ignored me when I asked him to get it for me, I was in to much pain to stand. He just watched me do that. Then I crawled back to bed and he came and had sex with me.

Sorry to be blunt but I've only now realised that a man even getting an erection in that situation is not quite right

For the 5 days after I was discharged from hospital, I could barely move, my dd was staying at my mums. I was stuck in bed, if I stood for too long I fainted and the pain of standing straight was worse than contractions, I was exhausted. He refused to get me anything to eat or drink. I had a litre bottle of water with me that i brought home from hospital, so I had that to drink, when my mum came by on her way to work everyday I asked her to fill it up and get me a snack, like a biscuit etc i was too embarrassed to tell her I was starving. He just shut me in the bedroom or bathroom and ignored me. But he cooked for himself.

On the 6th day I was feeling better. He came home from work and said, ah at least you can make me dinner again now, I've been so hungry
Before I went into hospital, the first ambulance I called thought I had the noro virus as I couldnt stop being sick. The paramedic told me to eat toast and drink water. After the paramedic left he toasted a slice of bread then threw it at me.

The next day when I had got worse and was in and out of conciseness I called another ambulance, I called to him and told him that's would Id done, he shouted at me for waking him, he came into the bedroom, I asked him to pass me some clothes (was only wearing a pair of pants due to my temperature) he refused and started to get ready for work. When the ambulance pulled up outside, he threw a pair of trousers at me and shouted at me to get dressed and that I was an embarrassment, I couldn't put them on that fast because of the pain, and I still needed a top as I was topless. He screamed at me and threw one at me. Then went and answered the door, was as nice as pie to the paramedics, then walked out the door and went to work.

When I came out of hospital, he started hiding the chargers and going out.
The last time was a week after my first stint in hospital, a couple of days after the Sex, I started heamorraghing and my mum found me and I went back in it took him 12 hours to come and see me. Then he did, and told me i was selfish and had ruined his Christmas such a fucked up mess

Oh my god..
I am so sorry you went through all that. And also so sorry for you loss.

I'm so glad to hear you are shot of that man. He sounds way beyond selfish bastard and well into truly evil.

I hope your future holds more good things than your past. One thing's certain - it's going to be better without that cunt in it.

So, sorry yearofme what a terrible, awful time you have had. You and your dd will be ok now you have that sick bastard out of your life. So sorry what you have and going through. ( hugs) x

Wow, your counsellor called him a sociopath.

Is is worth putting out a quiet warning on the local girl's grapevine?

One thing I have learned, is to stop being ashamed of someone else's behaviour. It is on them and it should be named.

Thank you again for your replies

wellwobbley

Yes she did wrt the calvulati

Sorry fat fingers!'

*yes she did wrt to the calculation of some of the things he did to me and changeable personalities depending on who was around/what he wanted from the situation.

Local girls, well we have no mutal friends and he lives an hour away from me, god knows what he's told his friends/family about why we split up. I wouldnt even know what to say, getting it all out on here is one thing, telling people in RL......well he's such a manipulative liar, he'd make out like I was crazy/attention seeking etc etc etc.
It's like the charger thing, when it happened, it was easy to see why it was so dangerous, cruel and frankly sociopathic behaviour. But to have to explain to people....umm he took my phone charger when I was ill.......if he ever got wind of it he'd just say....no I didn't, your so silly, you left it in my car/in hospital/at your mums, awwww poor you you were so ill and confused, I'm so glad your better now blah blah blah.

But I was there, I the look in his eye when he did what he did. I spent about a month sobbing, wishing I had had nanny cams hidden in my house to prove it, he'd be locked up by now if I had. That's what state I've been in

This is why it's so hard, that's exactly what he was like, people beileve him, I did when I first met him.

I just feel so powerless.