MIL and LONG <I know &#150; sorry!>

[firstpost]

My current situation is I have a DS 22 months and 8 months pregnant, DH is in the forces and away until November. My relationship with MIL has deteriorated from ?quite bad? to totally fucking awful since having DS. Bit of background certainly cannot itemise everything or will break Mumsnet!:-

She arrived 5 days after the birth (they live an aeroplane ride away) she tells me breast feeding made her feel sick, both her and FIL leaving the room or requiring me to leave the room everytime he wanted a feed. This was post C section so up and the down the stairs every five minutes. Every time I picked my tiny newborn up she would say ?you?re spoiling him? ?you?ll soon see, it?s your first you?ll learn? etc etc They went out most days requiring my DH to drive them ? I didn?t go as still sore from stitches and DS so tiny and feeding all the time.

A few months later on the way to a dinner dance wearing a dress and jewellery still pretty self conscious as carrying extra weight she turned to me, and said ?oh look Mummy is off to make some money tonight!?

She is racist, she knows full well I am not and that I will soon have a half Indian niece or nephew and uses this to bait me. Passing through our town ?oh its very black around here? ?oh its more pakkis here isn?t it? etc etc

My first trip to a shopping centre with DS around 4 months or so, she took the pram off me and we walked towards the lifts / escalators. Signs everywhere saying ?do not use pram on escalators? I am running after her telling her, please use the lift, louder and louder eventually she tips the pram and takes him on the escalator in the pram (not his pram, not really built for his size, not strapped in) and looks back victoriously saying ?I didn?t hear you!? She bloody did.

She objects to everything I do with DS, baby led weaning (whats wrong with spoon feeding) Co sleeping ?if he dies you will be arrested for murder? Steaming vegetables FFS! She has such a massive chip on her shoulder about anyone who she perceives as being posh or up themselves ? I am neither IMO.

So.. anyway she and 2 other GC came to stay just before DH left on tour. I am heavily pregnant and get Noro virus and am hideously ill a few days before they arrive, can?t keep down water have to have anti emetic injection am warned that as immune compromised I can re catch it so be careful with hygiene if anyone else in family gets it.

Anyway, one of the GC gets ill 2 days into the trip. She feeds them Calpol and croissants (you can imagine what happens next) I ask that the GC (9 yrs) use the toilet to be sick rather than the emergency bowl at her feet. MIL refuses and tucks her up on the sofa in the lounge. She is sick several times. It makes me feel ill being so recently recovered and I say nothing and go upstairs to bedroom.

GOD this is so long ? sorry!

Anyway the next day she leaves to go home. She rants all the way to the airport (DH driving them there without me) about how I made her feel unwelcome, I victimised the GC for being ill when it was my fault for giving it to them. My DH comes home, and let her rant and rave about me without tackling it, fails at any future opportunity to put forward the alternative POV ? EG ? me trying to look after unborn baby, and not being unreasonable in expecting a 9 yr old to use the loo to be ill.

There has been no contact between me and MIL since DH left in mid April. I do not want to visit them at Xmas with new baby. In fact if I never saw her again that would be delightful BUT I don?t have that option do I? We are stuck with each other. Do I get them to come over here? They have a 2 bed which would be squash with me, DH and 2 kids in one room so could use this as excuse.

Should I just tell her how I feel and lay it on the line ? eg let?s just suck it up and pretend to get on because otherwise my DH will miss out and so will you. Do I stop visiting in couple of years when DCs are older and could go with DH alone? Does this leave me vulnerable to her filling their heads with racist crap and horrid stuff about me?

I know that DH needs to be stronger.. He has failed so many times to stand up for me.. I know that he is scared to lose her altogether she has no qualms in cutting off family. She cut off her sister and her Mother for some time due to some petty issue or other. I just dread the day I have to be in the same room with her again and don?t know how to handle it. I don?t want to make my DH choose, I don?t want to take her crap anymore either. Is there a point where I do say her or me? So wise Mumsnetters .. Please tell me what the hell to do about Christmas visiting so I can stop stressing about it!

If anyone has actually read this far you deserve a medal :)

I second not confronting her. You will be wrong whatever you say or do, and you will only add water to her mill.

Some posters use repeat phrases to deal with such toxic gatherings, maybe it would be worth learning a few so as not to engage.

Also, may be worth going against the grain and love bombing her so to speak, if you can face it for 8 hours at Christmas. It usually puts nasty people on the back foot and has the advantage of making you look super reasonable and lovely by contrast.

You poor woman!

When my DH is deployed I consider my duty discharged with weekly phone calls and my ILs are fairly harmless. Would DH be ok with 1 night at their house the weekend before Xmas then home for the actual day itself?

I've got 2 school age dc and a baby and what I'd be tempted to do us visit, make a massive performance of it and cross fingers we had a very unsettled night and hope that might convince DH that a longer trip would not be fun.

WRT her being a general arse would you be up to just smiling in a patronizing way and saying things like 'we don't do it that way', 'we don't use those sorts of words' etc?

Thanks all :) A lot to think about here as have been brooding on this for a while.

I am so glad she has not been in touch since DH has gone, I think she may be waiting for an apology!!!! A cold day in hell when she gets one.

And I didnt even get round to telling you about FIL, and the time he kicked a mouse to death as it cowered under our wheely bin - we were on the way out to lunch ... Me shouting "no leave it alone" and him shouting "its vermin!" God, I have so many stories - when I start I cant stop! :)

Sorry LedaOfSparta just missed your message. Yes we used to be on weekly "duty calls" that were pretty excruciating but I could tell her about what my DS had been up to. They are now conspicious by their absence.

I like the idea of "we dont use those kind of words" patronising smile :) ironically I have said to her I find her views racist. I believe it was after "All Polish people are dirty and fight all the time" or something, and she was completely offended. She does not see herself as a racist.

Oh I could go on, and on, and on ... :)

I have an extremely low MIL tolerance level - mine's a total PITA, but guess what? You're an ADULT and nobody can make you endure a visit from someone who is so bloody horrible.

Just stand up for yourself and say to your DH it's non - negotiable, you will not visit her or allow her to stay at your house until she can behave.

You'll feel so much better once you've said it, I promise.

Ohhh... just heard from DH. There is a thing, where if your husband is deployed for 6 + months the army pay for 2 return trips for family to visit. So PIL are coming on a shopping trip to London and claiming it as a welfare visit to see me!!!!!!!!!!! Cheeky fucking bastards. Meanwhile my parents who actually support me, visit regularly and actually dont make my life a misery miss out on a payment that is rightfully theirs. FUMING At least on the bright side they are not actually going to visit me or anything but still. What a fucking joke.

Fuck me. What a horror.
I have nothing to add to this thread, other than that I nearly wet myself at the first answer you got to this.
You should be Queen, the amount of crapola you've had to put up with.
Seriously - you're a grown woman, your opinion counts as much as hers (actually, it is worth more, since she's a frigging lunatic) and just Say No.

Hang on, how come your PIL get it??? Can't you change it to YOUR parents?

What?! Shouldn't those flights be used for you to visit your DH?

Your DH REALLY needs to grow a spine. I would be absolutely furious.

She sounds like a complete horror. Stay away from her as much as possible.

First, seriously put your fucking foot down and tell them to fuck of to fuck, they are taking the piss.

Cheeky fucking bastards.

First of all, your DH needs to stand up for his family, protect you, and do what's right. FFS, its his mum and he should deal with her appropriately. I'm sure he deals with far more evil people in the world out there, he can handle his mother.

Second, I would not tolerate ANY racist Comments. Its wrong on every level and your MIL needs to be called up on it. Just because she is older and a grandmother doesn't excuse her in the slightest. Its atrocious behaviour.

And finally, put yourself and your babes first. Don't put up with her shit. Why should you suffer In silence?

fWIW, I have in-laws like You and I tell it to them straight if they are in the wrong. They don't like hearing it and they sure as hell know I won't tolerate it. You only have one life and you shouldn't suffer like this and I'm sure you have family and friends that deserve your time, company and they are the ones I would put efforts in.

Eek, she sounds awful and you need a medal!

OP first of all she sounds awful and in your shoes I would cut off contact. With regard to the pils claiming that money from the army, fiddling expenses is a sackable offence. Not sure how the army would find out, but how would mil feel if her jolly lead to her darling boy losing his job? Perhaps post on wives and sweethearts.

Your DH needs to man up big time.

It sounds, though, as if avoiding the cow completely for ever more will not be possible - your DH and you are at odds here on this.
So presuming you will have to come into contact again, the advice here about using hotels is sound and worth following each and every time there is a visit.

I gave up staying with most of DP's family a long time ago and now we always use travelodge / premier inn when we can get them at £29 a night.
Always worth having that bolt-hole!

Mm. Can your DH say that nepayment has already been processed for your family?

Maybe not worth the aggregation of fighting this I guess.

That one payment has been processed...

I would draw the line at the racism and anti-Catholic stuff, the rest is irrelevant.

You can't change your MIL or you DH. Let DH have a relationship with her if he wants, just tell him that you do not want one.

Your children will learn from you that their GM is wrong to think the way she does. For me, this prejudice is enough to kill the GP/GC relationship, others have more tolerance. I'm sure she has positive traits, too.

Bu personally, I would not entertain a relationship with her.

Perhaps move somewhere like Texas they let you shoot intruders there.

I will tackle dh on the flight. just soo ironic they are claiming for a welfare visit it's not happened yet just being planned.

I am listening and agree with you all really.

i am someone who stands up for herself. The only thing that has stopped me doing it more is not wanting to cause my dh pain. It would hurt him so much to cut off his mother, to be part of that doesn't sit easily. It may be necessary though but surely even a strong happy marriage will be at risk if one party wants nothing at all to do with the others family ? I hope I'm wrong about that. In most respects me and DH are so happy and have 7 years and 2 Kids to think of.

If they take the fund, but don't visit you, isn't that defrauding Her Majesty? (Could we have them locked up for treason? )

The two return trips thing can be used by deployed persons parents or deployed spouses parents. Because he is in afghan I can't visit him. I think dh is just thinking rather than give my parents 30 quid or so petrol (they live 2 hrs away) it makes more sense for two return flights to be paid for. I couldn't disagree more..

I've been reading and have yet to comment, but feel the need to chime in now.

I would be red with fury to let Monster in law claim the money for welfare visit, if I read that right they aren't even coming to see you!!! Not that you would want them too, but then you have your parents that actually are there helping and are supportive you that would benefit?!?

I may be out of line, but my feeling is come hell or high water till that psycho would get such a welfare hols for treating you that way and in front of your children, and all the other things she's done too.

And no to Christmas too, I like someone's suggestion about starting a new tradition for yourselves.

Good Luck First :( what a horrible ol bat. :(

You could get dh to reach an agreement on the flights. They can get the flights in return for the peteil money you parents would get. So you get to see your parents aand they get cheap flights.

Thinking about this there is no way in hell I would let my children mix with openly racist family members without me ( or someone else who would deal with it in the same way) being around to supervise.

Every single racist action or comment would be met loudly with "remember kids just because granny talks like that does not mean you can,we don't do/ say that because it is a crime"

Every single time. Even if I said it 30 times an hour. I will not have any of the adults my children trust teaching them racism is ok.