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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

First time domestic violence advice

36 replies

MommaDance · 05/06/2013 00:30

Ok, so here's my story. I have been married just shy of one year and wehave a 2 year old daughter. We have gotten into terrible arguments in the past where I have been emotionally abused, but never physically. And they also have dwindled over time as we have been working on not letting them get out of hand. Well, we just moved about 1200 miles and on the way while we were visitng family got into another heated argument and he beat me. Punchedme multipletimes in the face, causing terrible bruising and swelling. I was shocked, hurt and so angry. We were in the middle of a move though, so I allowed his apologies and promises of getting help to allow us to stay together. I still hurt so much emotionally and feel like I can't look at him the same. I feel like my dreams for us were shattered. And to top it off, a couple days ago he flipped out on me, calling me a joke and telling m to shut the f*ck up and leave him. I love him so much and I honestly don't want a broken family. I feel sick at the thought of my daughter not having him around all the time. He says he wants to get help but hasn't done it so far(its been 2 1\2 months) and I feel like myheart wants to stay, but my head wants to leave. Is there anything we can do to ave our relationship? Should I move out or have him move out untl he gets help? So lost....Sad

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 05/06/2013 00:36

Please leave him. Now.

He wont change.

All that has happened is his behaviour has escalated from verbal to physical, and he WILL do this to you again.

A broken family is better than broken bones. Your daughter deserves better than to see her mother being battered and bullied.

Listen to your head.

RhondaJean · 05/06/2013 00:39

Everything squeaky said.

He has no intention of getting help, no respect for you, and you don't want your daughter to have this as her model of a normal relationship.

How would you feel if someone repeatedly punched her in the face?

You owe it to her to get out. Be strong.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 05/06/2013 00:41

Leave him.

My Ex said he wanted to report himself to the police. I told him to get anger management.

One year on he has done neither, and attacked me less than a month ago even though we have been separated for a year.

They don't change. If it's happened once it will happen again.

Bogeyface · 05/06/2013 00:43

Are you in the UK?

Sorry to ask but the advice you need will depend on where you are.

Regarding what he has said. Forget anything he has promised. Actions speak louder than words and he has physically, emotionally and verbally abused you. He does not love you or your daughter because if he did then he wouldnt treat either of you like this. Your daughter is a victim of his abuse too, growing up as the child of a violent marriage is hell. I am sorry but do you realise that she is more likely to marry an abusive man if she stays in this enviroment? Do you want her to go through what you have?

You say you dont want a broken family, but it is already broken isnt it? Because HE broke it. Men like this very very rarely change, and those that do need intensive therapy and counselling to deal with their issues. It takes years to deal with this kind of behaviour and most abusers dont go through it because they dont believe they have done anything wrong. Your husband clearly doesnt because after paying lip service, he has not followed through. If it was a one off borne of stress or whatever then he would have left already and be trying to prove to you that he is dealing with his issues. He isnt, and that means he will do it again and next time it will be worse.

You need to leave ASAP. But as I say, where you are in the world makes a difference to the advice you need.

Bogeyface · 05/06/2013 00:48

Another point.

Whatever device you are using to post on here, clear the history (or use inprivate browsing) as soon as you have posted. Never stay logged in or he could see your posting history. If you can, use your phone and keep it passcoded.

If you have your browser set to remember you password, change your password and click "never" when it asks if you want it remembered.

You need to stay safe and your thoughts should be secure while you work out what to do.

PurpleThing · 05/06/2013 00:52

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Please call Womens Aid.

He has broken your family by attacking you.

lt is hard for abusers to change, they need to attend specialist domestic abuse Counselling, nothing else is effective. It has a low succes rate. The main thing is they have to really want to change and recognise they are in the wrong. Does he?

You need to keep yourself safe, take care.

Lweji · 05/06/2013 01:00

Do you think he'll move out?
Otherwise do it yourself.
The key is in "first time". There is almost always a second, third, fourth...

Your family is already broken and ask yourself what is it that you love about him. :(

Original poster
MommaDance · 05/06/2013 01:22

I am in the states. And one of the reasons we haven't done much about it is due to finances. He got some resources today for getting help for low-income people, but I am definitelyfeeling the uge to leave until something is done. I really feel like he could change, I just don't know if I can be in a family with him anymore. is there anyone out there who hs succesfully repaired a relationship after DV?

OP posts:
Original poster
MommaDance · 05/06/2013 01:25

Thank you all so much for offering advice/support

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 05/06/2013 01:30

How did you end up in the States without a decent income? Are you both US citizens? Are your children US citizens? Where is your home country if you are not American?

Sorry to ask all these Q's, but it does make a big difference regarding your possible plans and future.

Take care x

Lweji · 05/06/2013 01:46

Not sure if it can ever be repaired.

Regardless of what the attacker does, the victim is likely to be afraid of what he might do in the future.

Is that how you want to live your life?

SnookyPooky · 05/06/2013 05:00

Momma so sorry to read this. You can't come back from what has happened. I wish I had left after the first incident but I stayed for another six years and it got worse. Please get some help and get away.

AnyFucker · 05/06/2013 07:23

Advising you how to stay in such a relationship would be morally wrong

The only useful thing you can do is leave

happystory · 05/06/2013 07:34

My mother stayed in an abusive marriage for 30 years mainly due to being trapped financially. Finally got out aged 50. Do you want that for your life? Sad

tribpot · 05/06/2013 07:41

Sounds like he's gearing up for the next attack. Which will come at another time when life is too complicated and confusing for you just to leave.

I would think long and hard about whether you want your daughter to grow up thinking that it's normal to see her mother's face severely battered and bruised.

JakeBullet · 05/06/2013 07:44

Bless you, you deserve better than this and so does your DD.

I can on,y echo the advice others have already given. Contact the local Domestic Violence support people, you WILL have something where you are. Get help to leave and remember, despite saying this is the first incidence of DV it isn't, he has abused you emotionally before and that is DV too. It's about making you feel so bad about yourself that you will accept the beatings and the control. He wants you to feel too bad to leave and that is not a good role model for your DD. Go on 20 years and imagine that your DD comes to you with the information you have in your first post. What would you advise HER?

This man is abusive and you need to leave. It doesn't mean he cannot be a father but you need to be safe from him.

TheFallenNinja · 05/06/2013 07:45

Once a hitter, always a hitter. I doubt your the first he has hit, you won't be the last.

Betrayedbutsurvived · 05/06/2013 08:07

I second everything everyone else has said. Leave, now, this instant. He will do it again. Been there, left, and it was the best thing I ever did for me, and my daughter.

Isetan · 05/06/2013 09:10

Stay, but prepare yourself for the inevitable escalation.

Stay and practice applying make-up to cover up the bruises. Stay and wear turtle necks and long sleeves when its 100 degrees outside.

Stay and not make eye-contact with the nurse who does your stitches or resets your broken bones. Stay and and work on the lies you will tell your daughter when she asks about said bruises, broken bones and fat lips. Stay and watch her grow up to learn from her father to dis-respect you or be afraid of him and her own shadow. Stay and gamble with your life and your daughters future.

Lack of finances is not stopping him from verbally and physically abusing you, he lacks the will.

Actions speak louder than words applies to you as well; the only message you send him by staying is that you are prepared to take it, again and again and again.

cestlavielife · 05/06/2013 14:15

call the hotlin and get help to leave.www.thehotline.org/

now before you and your daughter are hurt even more.
broken family? it is already - you can have a nonbroken family unit without him in it

LemonBreeland · 05/06/2013 14:24

You need to leave. Your relationship is massively unhealthy. It has never been a good relationship from your posts.

You and your daughter deserve a better life. Why do you want to not have a broken family? What benefit is there in your family staying together?

chipmonkey · 05/06/2013 14:30

Your family is already broken. He broke it when he hit you and verbally abused you. There is no point in hanging around trying to mend it, it won't mend.

CharlotteCollinsismovingon · 05/06/2013 14:40

As clv says, your family is already broken - and he was the one to break it.

You've given him another chance after the physical abuse, which has effectively told him you accept it. Hence his cruel taunts the other day.

You want to save your marriage. Honestly, the best way to do this is to separate. He would need to seek help, enrol in an abusers' course, see it through to completion and show definite signs of sustained change. At that point, you could consider living with him again. That's likely to be two years from now.

No wonder people usually abbreviate this to "he won't change" - the chances of all this happening are unfortunately quite small. The chances of him changing if you don't follow this advice are nil. He may appear changed for a while, but your H isn't even doing that currently, is he?

jessjessjess · 05/06/2013 19:21

I grew up with DV. Your daughter will not be better off if you stay. You're not doing wrong by her if you don't stay with this bully, I promise.

Tigglettchic · 05/06/2013 19:28

I have PM'd you OP

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