DP's a wkr, he's always fking drinking and really fking me off right now

[GarfieldsGirl]

He cannot get through the fking day without a fkin drink. It may only be 1 but he absolutely has to have one. He'll fk off down the pub while I go get ds1 from school. ds1 was at a friends house the other day, got home asked 'where's daddy?', i said down the pub, he said 'what...again?', then today he wolfed dinner down cos he had to go out at 430 leaving us sat there with ds1 saying 'why does daddy have to go to the pub all the time?'. Its one thing when it pisses me off that he's always drinking but when my 4 yr old son notices thats fkin saying something and he just thinks its cute that he says thats the green pub, thats the red pub, thats the white pub, thats daddys pub by the traffic lights. I think bloody not. He doesn't drink at home, but as soon as we have someone round, even during the day, even if they're on coffee or whatever, he has to crack open a beer. "friends" don't help by bringing some round then leaving it here.

I've tried every approach with him, threatening to leave, screaming at him, almost hitting him, being nice etc etc. When I have a go a him I feel guyilty cos he's on abnti-depressants cos he can't work after a serious accident and I try to give him leeway cos of it, but then he annoys me as there are people out there in far worse positions than he's in but he sits there feeling sorry for himself and it really annoys me. When I really have a go and get upset myself he will sop, but that'll last for abput 5 days, then it starts aghain, and I can't cry at the mo which really annoys me too. I'm a little calmer now after typing this - not swearing so much, lol! Just really wanted to have a scream and a shout...

g.g if you want to talk about this a bit more private we can on msn..
whtas youur address?
mine is [email protected]
if you want to talk..

Phone alanon. You cant stop him yourself.

nothercules - he can not have a drink if he really puts his mind to it, but he doesn't see anything wrong in how much he drinks.

Our families are v different wit regars to alcohol. My mum only drinks on v special occasions, my dad would drink more often if mum let him, but still would only be once a week or whatever planned socially or a glass of wine with dinner.

ILs, however, have a big drinking culture. Large family therefore lots of parties. MIL always has alcohol in house and when e go up the 1st thing she does is offer it. She came to stay for a few days recently, when we went to Tesco she bundled loads of alcohol in the trolley, and she ddn't see the probvlem even after i told her about dp's drinking.

I know we're from very different places - me-big city, lots of things to do, him-small town, nothing to do except go to pub, only shops are offies, so we've been brought up so differently our attitudes towards drinking are soo diferent which i think is why he doesn't see any problem as thats how he's been brought up.

Maybe I'm denying his reliance on alcohol, even tho I know he is relying on it, and have told him & MIL so, don't think that makes any sense does it?

GG, I'm no expert but the drinking will be reducing the effect of the anti-depressants and that will make him feel bad, so he will drink, and round and round it goes.

IME (mother is depressive & alcoholic) someone who relies on drink doens't necessarily have to drink a huge amount/every day to have a problem. The problem lies in their relationship with the drink. Sadly, as the previous poster said, only your DP can sort this problem out if he wants to. It may be worth contacting AlAnon to see if you can get some support/advice.

Take care x

You can be an alcoholic and go several weeks without a drink. You dont need to drink every day, that's a myth.

I agree with nothercules, its a huge and unhelpful myth that if you can go without a drink then you aren't an alcoholic. My grandmother used to get at at miday because she beleived that alcoholics had to get up and drink in the mornings!

There have been three alcoholics in my family 1 reformed and 2 died (sorry that sounds blunt!) and I'm not suggesting that your DH is an alcoholic, it's diffcult to tell from your post.

Alanon may be able to help you whether he'san alcoholic or not. His drinking is affecting your life and you need to do something about it. You cannot do anything for him but you can do something for yourself. If he's not an alocoholic already he may be heading that way.

I know the frustration of living with someone who is a "keen" drinker when you hardly drink - it can be a very lonely experience.

Cheers for your support . We had a really lonf talk when he (finally) got in this morning. He really doesn't believe that he is reliant on the drink, he can't see that. Also I know he goes along with teh myth of believing that an alcoholic is someone wh has a bottle of vodka for breakfast.

Does addication run in the family? He's told me that his dad and one of his brothers were alcoholics, and I also know that his mum was addicted to gambling, so is it likely that he's going to have a higher chance of an addiction? (I say 'were' re FIL and BIL as they drink now, so don't know if they managed to get a handle on it before it took over, or if they just liked to drink a lot, but weren't addicted).

Sorry but from what you say it does sound like he could be an alcoholic.

How do I get him to admit it? I think - no I know - he wouldn't seek help from AlAnon, and would not appreciate me doing so. Do you think it would be any help if, say I made an appt for us both to see gp, and let her suggest something? She's very nice & supportive.

You cant that's the point. Alanon is not for him but you.

Garfieldsgirl,

If a person has an addictive personality then such people do run a higher than average risk of being caaught up in addictive behaviour such as gambling and alcoholism. There can also be an inherited tendency towards same. As your partner has come from a family where such behaviour has happened then it is not really surprising that he has followed suit.

If your partner is on anti depressents as well then this is a bad combination for him. Alcohol also acts as a depressent.

You cannot get him to admit he is alcoholic full stop. He has to come to the realisation himself that he has a problem and if and when that time comes he will then have to act. However, there are no guarantees that he will stop drinking for good, he may not want to stop or be able to stop. You yourself cannot make him stop drinking. It may get to the point where alcohol comes first and everything else (incluidng you and your son) come a distinct second.

You can act for your son and yourself though and I would suggest you take some action for yourself. Would suggest you speak to Al-anon anyway because they are designed to help people like yourself who are living with problem drinkers. Would also suggest you talk with your GP also about his drinking. She may well say though that there is nothing she can do unless he admits he has a problem.

Your son is also picking up on the fact that his Daddy drinks - one of the saddest parts of your message to me was him saying, "the green pub", "the red pub" etc. This is not a healthy environment for him to be growing up in. Being the child of an alcoholic parent is not nice at all.

Would you leave him?. This is one option you may have to consider as well longer term. He may well have to lose you both and even then he may not stop drinking.

Denial also plays a large part in alcohol problems. I personally think your partner is in denial of his reliance on alcohol.

You need to educate yourself re alcoholism - alcoholics do not need to drink every single day.

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
Great Dover Street
London
SE1 4YF
Tel: 020 7403 0888 (Helpline 10am - 10pm, 365 days a year)

website is www.al-anonuk.org.uk

Would urge you to call them.

Please listen to Attila.

Hi GG,
Sorry to hear you're having a rough time with your DP, and I have to echo the wise words of the other posters. I have experienced both sides...I have been sober for over two years; since the death of my husband who was also alcoholic.

Those myths are responsible for the unhappiness of so many people, and not just the problem drinkers. I've been on the other thread about dependent drinking, and it's difficult because as a concerned sympathiser, I can only suggest things to those MNers who are caught up in the cycle of unhealthy drinking.

However, in this case I feel like I can be more direct. He is, no matter his protestations about his own drinking, affecting you and your family's life and that's what the fellowship of AlAnon is for. They are a wonderful support system for the families of problem drinkers and provide a needed outlet. Alcoholism, or whatever euphemism the problem drinker prefers is a family illness meaning the effects don't just stop at the damage the drinker is doing to themselves.

Unfortunately, as has been mentioned, nothing you do or say will ultimately stop him, even if he promises he doesn't have a problem and abstains for a while. You have to look after yourself in this one. I can say all this with conviction because I have caused devastation in my own family, and I am still making amends to them. I have also been to AlAnon after the death of my husband and found them to be wonderful. You have every right to be angry and upset, and you need to be able to find some peace yourself, regardless of his performance. I wish you all the best. \link{http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html\Here} is a link to AlAnon's website, with phone numbers etc.

x posts, same advice though.

\link{http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk\AlAnon UK}. Sorry, that was the international site I previously linked to. It's all the same fellowship though so no harm done!

i understand how you feel ,my previous husband was an alcoholic,tried many treatments and drying out in hospital.i too tried everything,hiding the drink,shouting,taking his money,even begging.the headmistress used to have to bring my kids home and get them to climb through the window as he was passed out on the settee.i had to work full time and school never informed me.i finally chucked him out after he was hurting the kids and i couldnt bear the vomit and wet trousers.my ex would never admit he was alcoholic.the only way you can help him is to stop being his enabler,make him leave,his behaviour is affecting you.you are probably in turmoil,trying to keep it all normal for the kids.it was horrible making him leave but he only became dry when he reached rock bottom ,sadly our marriage was over by then.living with an alcoholic is soul destroying as you cannot help him.my ex has been dry for 6 years ,1 small relapse,but has permenant liver and stomach damage...all for the want of a drink.when the council came to instal loft insulation they had never seen so many empty vodka bottles hidden in a loft.he started exactly the same as your partner then started drinking secretly.my best wishes are with you and i hope you find a solution for yourself so that you dont feel so bloody awful about everything

My Dh has a drink problem, he knows it too. He drinks everyday, usually 1 or 2. Yesterday he started drinking at 4pm and I had a go because I don't mind him having a drink in the evening but the kids were up and I don;t like it. He also has started to get shakes, which is not a good sign. I rarely drink myself and I don;t like seeing him so dependant on alcohol. He suffers with depression and has an addictive personality, he was addicted to speed when he was younger (which I managed to help him off) and he knows that if he takes any speed now he will get addicted again. He is addicted to pot now, but I can't make him see that its bad for him (especially with his depression) Luckily for me, he is not a nasty drunk and he is a great dad and DH.

being alcohol dependant doesnt mean you need to drink a great deal, just that you NEED to drink something.

SGK - i would pointout to your Dp that "pot" is actually a depressent in many people as is acohol so rather than heling it will very much hinder any improvment in his mental state.

i wish you all the veryt best of luck and hope that you do take Atilla's very helpfuall advice and contact alanon

SGK,

His addictive personality has cost him dearly hasn't it?. He has gone from one awful addiction to two others which are damaging him mentally and physically. Your children and you are caught up in this spital of addiction. Has anyone ever tried to address the root causes, the triggers as to why he started to take such things in the first place?.

Is he getting help for his drink problem - one good thing is that he has acknowledged it. You all need help as a family - have you for instance contacted Al-anon because you need support as well. Has he been through detox, contacted AA?. Is he serious about wanting to beat his addictions?.

You ever shown him the door?. He may well have to lose everything dear to him.

I feel for your children as they have no choice, he may well be a "good husband and Dad" but what lessons are being taught here?. Having a drink dependent and drug addicted dad in their lives is not healthy for them - or you to see in their daily lives.

He had a bad childhood, being physical abused and mentally. His mother is a twisted witch who still can make him feel worthless. He has many secrets that he hides from her, because if she knew she would make his life hell.

Sorry SGK, but he isnt a great dad. What sort of future is he setting up for your kids?

sorry, my last comment wasnt helpful.

SGK

Feel for your DH also; with such an abusive childhood it is small wonder he has gone onto abuse himself with drink and drugs as an adult.

He feels completely worthless.

Has he approached an abuse survivors group or had any counselling?. It certainly sounds as if he needs counselling asap for all these issues as he has replaced one set of demons with yet more demons. Counselling will be both painful and difficult not just for him but for you also. There is no quick fix as he has discovered; the drugs and drinking to excess just dull the pain temporarily. These won't help him and have actually done him harm.

The past still has power over him and he needs to put it all to bed for good. He will end up destroying himself otherwise; he cannot let the abusers win because at present the people who caused him such anguish are winning.

Would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.