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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Curios. When does the veil drop?

29 replies

TheOrchardKeeper · 04/06/2013 16:39

Just curious really. have not been in a long term relationship up until now and we're nearing the year mark.

There are a few irritating habits etc but nothing serious has come up yet and it's got me wondering.

When do you think people start showing all sides of themselves. (I don't mean anything abusive etc, just that I think everyone shows their best side first iyswim).

Maybe I've just met a goodun and am too cynical to believe it

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Original poster

TheOrchardKeeper · 04/06/2013 16:41

(we've had a few good talks about the usual issues that seem to come up in relationships btw, such as kids, housework, money, future plans...without getting too far ahead of ourselves)

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Original poster

TheOrchardKeeper · 04/06/2013 16:42

(Title should read curious...It's been a long day)!

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Mumsyblouse · 04/06/2013 16:49

I did reply to this, but MN went offline just as I posted and my post disappeared!

Basically, it said that although you can't predict how people will behave completely (life sometimes throws things at you which even you don't react in the way you think you will) I think all you can do is look at someone in situations like- how are they with their family, friends, treat work colleagues, under a bit of stress/pressure? Do they encourage you to be the best you can be too? If someone seems lovely, perhaps they are lovely!

Yearofme · 04/06/2013 16:50

Hmmm I think character flaws about 6 months in, so you would know by now

But when it comes to abusers ime, their bad sides don't completly come out until they are sure they've 'got you' iykwim. Like pregnancy, marriage, moving in together. Until then it's like a Slow trickle where you know something not quite right but can't put your finger on what exactly.

Dahlen · 04/06/2013 17:01

There are two sides to this. Firstly how long the other person is able to keep on their best behaviour, and secondly how willing/able you are to see flaws. Sometimes the flaws are apparent all along but 'love is blind' etc.

I would say the biggest measure you'll get of someone is how they handle your first major disagreement. If he or she handles it without flying off the handle, resorting to name calling etc and instead listens and reasons with you and can accept to agree to disagree, you're on to a winner.

An important feature for me is a willingness to talk about something that went wrong in their life with a genuine understanding of their own role and responsibility in it.

Original poster

TheOrchardKeeper · 04/06/2013 17:06

I am VERY wary of the idea of having anymore kids tbh. Had a bad experience with DS's dad (not Dp's kid). He knows this though.

The odd 'flaw' has come up and it's nothing I can't deal with, just the usual stuff like snoring and always being a tiny bit later than he says even when he plans everything so he should be on time...he is a serial faffer

My mum was in a DV relationship with my dad and though I don't remember it she's told me a lot, so I'd know when to leave if it happened to me (as she didn't leave for ages & wished someone had made her see sense before it got that bad).

He's great where it counts, or so it seems. We resolve arguments well (not that they come up often, but when they do), he's fairly emotionally mature, so no game playing or drama, he's the one people go to for advice/to just vent a bit if something's wrong & I see him as a very good friend as well as partner iyswim? The most important thing to me is that I always feel respected, considered & listened to. After DS's dad that sort of stuff is a dealbreaker! (though it should be anyway obvs).

I just want to be careful not to get too carried away when I don't have that experience you get from a LTR!

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Original poster

TheOrchardKeeper · 04/06/2013 17:11

Totally agree with how you handle arguments!

We had an argument about the amount of time I spent alone at the weekends (he has a lot of hobbies). I didn't make him choose, just said I wasn't ok with it personally & waited to hear what he had to say about it. He was very good about it, said he'd drop a day at the weekend and has stuck to it. It was tense but it didn't get nasty & we just had a think about it separately.

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Original poster

TheOrchardKeeper · 04/06/2013 17:12

(I do know what I want from a relationship and always discuss it if I'm not happy with something, as does we. But it's not turned into anything horrible yet)!

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Original poster

TheOrchardKeeper · 04/06/2013 17:14

(and I know this seems like a bit of a thread about nothing but I know MN is full of very sensible people & want to make sure I don't have my head in the clouds about all this)

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Keztrel · 04/06/2013 17:40

No one can keep up a facade for more than 6 months surely? Sounds like he's just nice :) OTOH people can change so someone's who been lovely for 2 years could still end up being a dick in the end.

Dozer · 04/06/2013 19:00

For a change on this board he sounds very NICE!

Keztrel · 04/06/2013 19:04

Sorry if my post sounded pessimistic by the way. I do think he sounds nice. And the fact that you talk to each other and actually listen and respond with actions is a great big plus!!

Original poster

TheOrchardKeeper · 04/06/2013 22:19

Thanks for replying. DS 's dad seemed nice, and was horrible about the pregnancy, despite me saying id happily go it alone etc. But looking back i can see lots of red flags that dp has none of, which makes me think i should probably just enjoy it and relax a bit!

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sweetpeasunday · 04/06/2013 22:25

I think yearofme is right with the slow trickle and feeling that something is not right, but not being sure what. For me, it was around the year mark where I really sensed, it was not right, goodness only knows why I did not walk away, possibly because I looked for every other explanation but the most obvious one. Listen to your instincts, but it sounds fine from what you say.

omri · 04/06/2013 22:25

He sounds like a really lovely sound decent man. Seems to me you should stop worrying or expecting bad things to happen and actually enjoy that nice warm feeling that you're in a relationship with a good man!!

Original poster

TheOrchardKeeper · 04/06/2013 22:37

I guess it's just hard to trust that someone's genuine when you've already been fooled before! Shall try to just enjoy it

i think having ds makes me more careful than i might be otherwise too!

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YoniBottsBumgina · 04/06/2013 22:50

It's definitely good to be aware. He sounds lovely though :)

Myosotis · 04/06/2013 22:50

I am JEALOUS! Best of luck, it sounds like you are really smart!

Original poster

TheOrchardKeeper · 04/06/2013 22:58

Not trying to stealth boast! And thank you

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Mumsyblouse · 04/06/2013 23:30

The thing is, this time around, you know that if he suddenly changed and started behaving really nastily, then you can do it on your own and you always have that possibility of leaving. I think psychologically that is very important, not to be thinking of breaking up I hasten to add, but just that you have done it once and so if needs be and things go very wrong you could do it again. I find that reassuring - perhaps others don't?

Original poster

TheOrchardKeeper · 04/06/2013 23:39

Oh yes, certainly! Would never put up with it again and feel much stronger and know i would be fine if i had to go solo again. It is strangely comforting, not that i need to atm :)

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Walkacrossthesand · 05/06/2013 00:21

Just wanted to say, be aware of the 'frog in boiling water' scenario - it's always hard in a situation to see the 'red flags' that are so obvious when looking back. Nice human beings like you tend to 'make allowances' for bad behaviour - as long as you are not having to make allowances, then go with the flow and enjoy!

Original poster

TheOrchardKeeper · 05/06/2013 06:07

Definitely not making allowances this time :)

Know exactly what you're getting at though.

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AnnoyedAtWork · 05/06/2013 06:28

Do you live together? That makes a big difference! I mean honeymoon period is likely to last longer if you do not, IME. I found it hard to adjust out of it into a long term partnership where we are not all over each other all the time.

Me and DP had 1 yr of living apart where we were a bit infatuated then the first yr of living together was tough, i mean you have to do the boring crappy stuff together as well as the good and at times can really annoy each other! We have fought like brother and sister occasionally but now been 3 yrs and the way we communicate has improved and our relationship is stronger than ever. We are still affectionate but it is different. We are closer than when we went through the "infatuation" part.

Agree that most likely if he is an abuser there would have been some at least small red flags by now...

My advice would be keep communicating and be open good luck

Original poster

TheOrchardKeeper · 05/06/2013 06:42

that's partly my concern. Though he practically lives here atm! Haven't moved in together yet though as im doing a degree and would rather wait.

He stays over a lot and helps out with housework because of that, but i worry that he'll be crap if we lived together, though I've told him id kick someone out if i thought they were taking the piss!

I also love my own space but luckily he plays sports :P

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