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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help me...

26 replies

MISSSIXTY2 · 03/06/2013 14:17

Hi Ladies, long time lurker I read all the time but not really a poster. Married 7 years, one DC with my DH & one DC who is from a prev relationship).

Up to yesterday I would have said I had a very solid marriage and I was married to one of the good guys, someone who I could trust 100%.

Yesterday I went on the home computer and went to log into Facebook, my DH was already logged in, and I saw some messages between him and an old friend of his. Old friend is from about 15 years ago, I think that he had feelings for her before, but they were both with other people at that time. Yesterday she was telling him that her marriage was over and he was telling her that it was probably for the best and he sent her his number and told her ring him anytime or message him any time...

This did not sit well with me as I don't understand why a married person would encourage another married person to ring them, so today I have actually done some more digging on his Facebook(he is at work) all of the messages are deleted ,but I found an archive message from him to another woman some years back telling her she makes him Horney and he needed some more dirty pics from her. This other woman is not in the same country as us and the one from yesterday also lives about 200 miles from us.

I don't know what else could have been going on as he has always deleted everything (emails, Facebook messages, text, even TV shows the minute he is finished with them.

I need help , I need to know if I am blowing this out of proportion as right now I feel so upset and sick, I am shaking.
I need you to please please help me on how to approach this with my DH tonight.
thanks in advance

OP posts:
Original poster
MISSSIXTY2 · 03/06/2013 15:43

shameless bump ,anyone?

OP posts:
MNHQ
KateSMumsnet · 03/06/2013 17:29

We'll move this to Relationships for you OP

Original poster
MISSSIXTY2 · 03/06/2013 18:30

Hi Guys I have asked for this to be moved as hopefully I will get some response's. if you can help me I would be very grateful.

OP posts:
Noregrets78 · 03/06/2013 18:38

This is quite a busy board so hopefully you'll get lots of replies on here. I'm not sure I can give you much advice on how to handle it - you sound too shaken up to do it calmly tbh.

IMO it doesn't sounds like he's done anything, but indulged in some online flirting... not wanting to underplay it as that can be so hurtful. It sounds to me as though he deletes everything as he doesn't want to hurt you. I would imagine lots of other people will come on here and say he's a shameless FW...

If I was you I'd approach it from the angle of how it's making you feel, rather than accusing him of anything. Accusations he'll deny til the cows come home, but how you're feeling is a fact he can't get away from.
Good luck i really hope it goes well x Brew

Original poster
MISSSIXTY2 · 03/06/2013 18:56

thanks Noregrets78, I honestly do appreciate you taking the time to talk to me. What I am beginning to suspect is that either what I found is the tip of the iceberg (also found an online speed date application he sent ) or else if not sorted now that I will always be checking up on him which is not the way I can live.
I cant agree with shameless flirting with people he knows, I would never do this to him.

OP posts:
SoTiredAgain · 03/06/2013 19:26

Sorry but I don't buy that he is deleting everything to keep from hurting you. He is deleting because he is keeping something from you that he knows you would find unacceptable.

SoTiredAgain · 03/06/2013 19:27

And actually, I would not say anything tonight but wait until you are stronger. I think you are in shock. Also, You know that he is going to minimise don't you?

MadAboutHotChoc · 03/06/2013 19:30

What a nasty shock that must have been Sad

I would make a copy of all the messages (or forward to mobile/email) and then confront him. He will deny and minimise everything so you need to be prepared not to back down. Do not take the blame for his behaviour - he chose to do these things.

Then take things from there.

Original poster
MISSSIXTY2 · 03/06/2013 19:42

Hi Ladies
I must be coming across very weak, but really I am a strong woman.
I have to have the talk tonight as I actually could not act normal.

I have not even been able to take his calls today (3 missed calls already) as he is at work & that would not and if I answered I would just be very closed off or erupt and actually I want to see his face to face reaction.

I will not let this be minimised or made to be my fault, I believe it is neither of these I believe he did it for ego & kicks.

I need to believe he know how hurtful I find all of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
MISSSIXTY2 · 03/06/2013 19:42

sorry also meant to say copies of both messages sent to my work mail

OP posts:
Queenmarigold · 03/06/2013 19:42

I think you need to address it somehow, if you don't you will always worry. It could be just a nice ego boost etc for him; maybe you need to say that you're concerned that you give him everything he needs?

MadAboutHotChoc · 03/06/2013 21:36

You sound strong Smile

Hope tonight's talk went well. Take care.

Original poster
MISSSIXTY2 · 03/06/2013 22:41

Hi ladies,
Update
Had conversation with my dh.
He admitted he had crossed the line a few days ago with the women who's marriage just broke up,he admitted sex texts.He said he did it for fun,for a laugh.....
He apologised and said he was so sorry for hurting me,it wasn't a right thing to do and that it wouldn't have gone any further.
He is now in bed and I'm still up feeling numb.
l swing from thinking that i am making a mountain out of it ,to hang on a minute I am entitled to be seriously hurt.
I guess only time will see how we go from here.

OP posts:
SoTiredAgain · 03/06/2013 22:51

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. I'm not surprised you are feeling numb. FWIW, you are not making a mountain out of a molehill and yes, you are entitled to feel very hurt indeed.

I think you have to think about where your line is eg sex texts with other women is totally unacceptable in my opinion but you have to decide whether its the same for you. I would also ask him if he would think you were cheating if you were the one sexting a man.

Original poster
MISSSIXTY2 · 03/06/2013 23:04

Hi sotiredagain
I told him to me what he did was one step away from full on cheating and how would he fell if it was me who did that.
He agreed with me.
But I really feel he doesn't actually think it is a big deal,I feel sick at the thoughts of my dh and another women who he knows sharing such texts:-(

OP posts:
SoTiredAgain · 03/06/2013 23:24

And you are sure, he is not physically meeting these/other women? Absolutely sure? I am just worried for you that this is just the tip of the iceberg.

AnyFucker · 03/06/2013 23:30

What he has admitted to is likely to be the tip of the iceberg, love. It is very clear that liars will only admit to the minimum they think they can get away with

Did you bring up the speed-dating application ? What was his reasoning there ?

Did you ask him what he envisaged happening next with the woman he was currently having an emotional affair with, if you hadn't sussed him out ? I expect he would say it wouldn't have gone further, but do you believe him ? Imagine always thinking the only reason he didn't insert his cock into OW is because you caught him in time ?

For some people, what you already know would be classed as cheating and a relationship ended because of it, so no way should feel you have been unreasonable in any way

overture · 04/06/2013 00:01

MISS
Nothing on FB is deleted, if you go into his account setting you will see something that says Download a copy of your Facebook data.

It will go to his email that FB is registered to, but if he lets you into his email, it will show you everything.

I agree with AF its probably the tip of the iceberg unfortunately.

JFYI :) Good Luck

Noregrets78 · 04/06/2013 07:00

^^ oo that's good!

Original poster
MISSSIXTY2 · 04/06/2013 17:44

Hi Ladies
sorry it has taken me so long to come back.

overture I cannot thank you enough for your tip above, I have started the download now and guess it will take about two hours as I tested it with my own account first & it took that long.

My DH is assuring me the only thing I will find is the conversation with the woman from the other county 200 miles from us, the others things he cant remember but they are from 2008 so who knows.
Well I guess I will in about two hours.
thanks again all I really do appreciate the time you gave to me.xx

OP posts:
overture · 04/06/2013 17:50

you're quite welcome. Hope thing turn out ok for you.
Good Luck and Positive thoughts for you.
FlowersFlowers

KatieScarlett2833 · 04/06/2013 17:52

I hope you have heard the worst of it OP, but I'm not feeling too positive TBHHmm

MadAboutHotChoc · 04/06/2013 18:03

Have you tried looking at the archived messages on FB - many make the mistake of thinking they've deleted these when pressing the x button.

Good luck x

Original poster
MISSSIXTY2 · 04/06/2013 18:21

No messages in his download,there was in mine...

OP posts:
overture · 04/06/2013 18:24

that is strange... I would try Mad's advice and check archived.

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