A really confused mum

[ClareL]

My DH has always been incredibly moody. Most of the time due to stress at work. He can't deal with them both and goes completely into himself. This has gone on for the 11 years we have been together but he has been in his latest job for 2 years and the stress levels are unbearable and his mood swings are lasting longer and longer. He has been ultra miserable and hardly uttered a word for the last 6 weeks and this week it's got even worse. I am a SAHM and am now really worried that he has had enough and is going to leave us (myself, DD 6 and DS 2.6). I gave up work when I had my DS as childcare was too expensive for 2 and have always done all the chores/gardening/the lot. He doesn't have to lift a finger at the weekend. I feel I have been a very supportive wife but he won't talk to me about anything. I have tried desperately but now we are not even saying hello at night when he comes in from work - and last nite was 10pm. I now can't stop crying and the worry is eating me alive as I can't understand how a normal healthy relationship can just slide away until there's nothing in a matter of weeks. I know I should try and talk to him but he just says there's nothing wrong and that the reason he isn't speaking is because there isn't a lot to say at the moment!! I am not coping well and am trying my hardest to hide it from my children. If he leaves me where do I start?

Is there anyone that knows him well enough in rl to talk to him? See if someone else can find out what i swrong?

I don't know anybody that he works with. They don't mix out of work - all work and no play. His friends out of work I do know but they are mens men - if you see what I mean. Since having children we have always lead separate lives - he goes out with his friends and I go out with mine. Most of our friends are from our child hood and we have never mixed them. I'd feel too embarrassed phoning his friends as I know them but am not close to them plus only one of them is married and the rest are single.

Poor you Clare - that sounds unbearable. I don't know how you have put up with it for 6 weeks.

My dh can be a bit like this, though not as extreme as yours I think. To be honest, I can only stand it for a couple of days before I go mad, shout and say 'If you don't talk to me and tell me whats wrong I'm off.......' not very mature but its just the way I feel and it usually gets us talking - or shouting then talking, but even shouting is better than what seems to be happening for you right now.

I think you have to confront him and say exactly how you are feeling....tell him the money worries aren't going to go away unless you work together at it...it sounds like you have lots to talk about despite what he says.

Being a sahm can be really lonely and to be arguing with your dh on top every day is awful...been there. Keep in touch and good luck.

He is depressed, would he go and see the GP?

Your situation does sound desperate and I do feel very sorry for you. You sound like an absolute star doing everything and receiving very little emotional support/thanks in return. I would suggest the best way to deal with it would be to write him a letter - give it to him when he gets home and tell him you will leave him alone to read and review - then maybe insist on some form of resolution/justification/reaction (whatever!) within a certain time period. Maybe even leave him with a pen and paper and suggest he does the same! I'm lucky that I've never had to do it but I know it has worked for some friends before. Hope this helps and good luck

ClareL I haven't been with my dh that long but last summer we went through a similar thing. That was about 6-8 months after ds (second babe) was born and money was also tight.

DH got very withdrawn and I got the feeling he just didn't want to be with us anymore. He's not the 'talking type' iykwim... finally managed to coax him to talk to me and he thought if he 'keeps out of the way' he can't upset us... but of course him keeping out of the way was the thing that upset me... I also had thoughts about 'if he leaves...' and was scared sh*tless.

We did (well I did) a 'list of things that are bad/good' to compare. He never got round to doing his but I got a chance to point out a few things I thought he should think about, he mulled that over and things improved. Still have ups and downs but generally it doesn't get as bad anymore, especially as I have learnt to let go of my probably rather annoying habbit of constantly wanting to know 'what's wrong'.

Not saying that this might be a solution for you, but it seems you need to try and find a way for him to open up. And I know easier said than done as dh generally clamps up too

Hope it all works out for you.

This situation has happened over and over again in the past. His latest job is really stressful and he takes all the pressure/worries on himself and doesn't talk to anybody about it. But the lengths of time his mood swing lasts for gets longer and longer.

I've tried the shouting and stamping my feet and it doesn't make any difference. His moods now just drag me down with him and I am not like that.

We don't have any money worries at all. We are really financially secure and the reason we are is because of his stressful job.

I have tried speaking to him but he just feels like being quiet and rather than speak for the sake of it he doesn't want to speak at all - plus he's tired.

I think he is depressed or a manic depressive. His dad had a nervous breakdown years ago that lasted for nearly 2 years. He has always been incredibly moody so I wonder if it runs in the family.

Thanks for the support.

Sorry I think I misread your post re the money.

It does sound like some sort of depression then. How would he react to seeing a GP or counselling or something??

Think a lot of men who are supporting families feel a bit trapped don't they and this can lead to problems. I think that Steve Biddulph fella wrote a bk about it, was an article couple of weeks ago.

Not easy for you though. Awful dealing with constant silence and just having the kids to talk to all day.

ClareL is there any way he might consent to going to see a GP? If he has a family history of depression he might well be.

I never got my dh to go though I'm sure he had/has slight case of depression. His way of dealing with it is to submerge himself even further in the work stress...

looking back now that things have improved it all seems so silly, but at the time I thought it was the end of the world. I'm so glad I had mn :)

I don't think he'd go to the dr's. He is a very proud man and won't accept that he has a weakness. I wish he would as I desperately think he needs to. If it was the other way round he'd of made me go - that's if he'd stayed with me and put up with my moods as long as I have (12 years and married for 9). It's really hard to be with a man that absolutely loves you to pieces one day and is all over you and then the next day he can't even look me in the face when he talks to me (if he talks that is!!) .

I have asked him to leave before and mentioned that it wouldn't matter if he took a cut in money and that I'd get a job too. I think he would feel like he'd failed. His boss has only just come back to work from having about 8 weeks off sick with depression. It's obviously a very stressful place to work. He doesn't realise how hard it is for me when he gets in from work and he might be the only adult I've seen all day and need to talk but I am just talking to a brick wall. Why should I be treated like that. Last night I'd cooked him dinner and he came in the house ignored me completely and threw his dinner in the bin with absolutely no explanation at all. I couldn't even look at him and went upstairs to bed. How hurtful is that!!

ClareL oh this all sounds so familiar. At one point I actually turned around to dh and asked him how he would react if I would have acted the way he had... his answer... would have been gone a long time ago.

Have you ever set an ultimatum? Like either you get help or I have to consider to leave you? Only last resort of course as it could well backfire... but then again it might rile him into action.

Annimac's suggestions sounds like a good plan if you can afford it :). Or even just book a babysitter for the weekend and do something just the 2 of you?

p.s. I actually once gave dh a dose of his own medicine and acted like he does when he's in one of his moods... he didn't know what hit him

I obviously have my moments PMT and stuff which he gets a bit wound up over. It has got to the stage before where I have been packing my suitcase to go as I couldn't stand it any longer and we've finally called a truce. I don't want to leave my kids and do not want to take it to that extreme again. If I told him to go, in the kind of mood he's in, he'd go!! Which isn't what I want. I just want the normal DH back.

His moods did improve massively up until he went to this job and then for 6 months or so things were great and then the last 18 months things have gradually started going downhill. Moods might last a couple of days and then good for a couple of months but then the moods got longer and the spaces of good time got shorter. I think he'd still be depressed if he was holed up in a flat somewhere. I don't think living with us makes any difference.

Jesus ClareL - if that was my DH last night I think I would have knifed him! How disrespectful, that is not acceptable behaviour. Really think about my letter idea - it makes them stop for time and focus/read what you have written. Again - good luck.

maybe a letter is the way to go. The way dh and I got communicating again was via email! It gave him time to think and compose.

At one point I asked him 'Are you trying to drive us away?' reply 'hadn't realised it was that bad for you'. Argh.

As for the PMT, I seem to be more susceptible to picking up on dh's mood when I'm approaching pmt phase iykwim. Then everything is absolutely dramatic and p's me off.

I think when I was working I could deal with his moods a lot easier. My giving up work to have DS and him starting new job coincided. Hence the reason why I didn't have to go back to work. I do sometimes feel a bit worthless and obviously the throwing the dinner in the bin thing made me feel even more worthless. But his moods drag me down really low. I can still mix with friends and my children but it is obviously in the back of my mind all the time and I find it hard to concentrate as it is always niggleing in the back of my mind.

I think another reason why I feel extra vunerable is that my sisters husband has just recently left her with no warning signs whatsoever. Seeing what she has been going thru makes me not want it to happen to us.

I have just come to a point where I don't know where to turn. He is the only person that can help the situation but will not do anything to make it any better.

I can empathise with the 'feeling worthless'... I definitely didn't feel appreciated. One of the lists I did was 'things I take care of' and 'things dh takes care of'... needless to say mine was much longer (I work part-time so the excuse 'I'm tired after all day at work' don't hold up in our house). My annoyance factor was that the few times I asked him to to do something he never got round to it and I ended up doing it anyhow.

Have you suggested Relate or the like?

p.s. and you're NOT worthless... after all you do everything around the house and the place is tidy when he gets home to his cooked dinner! Maybe put a list somewhere he can see it with your job description?

Cook
Child entertainer
Child educator
Cleaner
Houshold manager
Shopping manager
Social Secretary
etc.
etc.
etc.

if not for him than for yourself to remind you that being a sahm is hard work

Thanks MrsBigD for the moral support. It's tough enough being at home especially when you feel low. I have been speaking to friends about the situation and they all think he's depressed. Maybe if (the big 'if') his mood changes I'll speak to him then. There is no point in speaking to him now about RELATE as he wouldn't have any of it. His mum always said to me that his dad was the same and if she ever wanted to talk to him she always had to wait for "the right moment" sometimes it's a bit after the event because then you end up talking about bad times when you are having good times and you don't want to trigger the moodyness off again. It's a looonnnggg weekend coming up if there is going to be an atmosphere. Not looking forward to it but then it can't get worse. If he leaves then at least I'll know where I stand.

clarel, this is a link to a place in richmond. i came accross in the observer womens monthly magazine where there was a very "cool" woman, a writer i think, who has always had depression, the pnd and didnt want to go the anti d route. its a dietary thing, with supplements, one being htt something and it helps the serotonin in the body, ogd i hope i have this right, my sister got them, as she was presrcibed anti d and put on weight within 2 wks and gave them up after 6 and i found this info, and shes on them now. a natural alternative. plus in the artivle the woamn articulated it very well and is feeling much better. there may be a link on the observers website.
but if ur dh is not keen on seeing a doctor, then maybe he might approach his moods thru diet ?
its just another avenue, hth.
\link{http://www.mentalhealthproject.com/content.asp?id_Content=994\brain bio centre}

heres the article
\link{http://observer.guardian.co.uk/woman/story/0,,1747445,00.html\observer women article}