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Original poster

How do I tell him...

48 replies

Frenchgirlinuk · 02/06/2013 13:55

That no, I don't feel like before? Sad
Been together for a few years and have two children. (I have name changed because he has been looking here before). He asked me if I still love him, and I do, as the father of my child and all that, but not as a lover or maybe in a romantic way... I don't feel attracted to him, god I feel awful saying this, I haven't admitted it to anyone. So my reply was yes I love you, but deep down I know I wasn't sincere.
I know he sees that I don't feel the same as a few years back.
I know I have to tell him but he is a great partner, I don't know why my feelings have changed as he hasn't done anything wrong. If anything he has got better since the kids. I just have fallen out of love with him, and I actually wish I hadn't I don't want to hurt him. So I don't know what to do?
Should I tell him? I feel very very sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Frenchgirlinuk · 02/06/2013 14:28

Anyone? I just need a bit of support or words of wisdom...

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 02/06/2013 14:32

Oh OP, I do not envy you. You are in a very difficult place.Sad What do you want to happen when you tell him?

ProphetOfDoom · 02/06/2013 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scaevola · 02/06/2013 14:37

Do you think it's over, are you hoping you can find a way to fix it, or are you not sure?

If he's asking if you still love him, then it seems he's picked up on something too.

My first thought is that better communication is needed, and this means dealing with the bad stuff as well as the good. Unless you are sure this is the end of the road, I wouldn't say anything as direct as "I don't love you". Instead I'd be looking for ways to express specific areas where you are dissatisfied and see if you can find ways together to make improvements on them, then see where that takes you overall.

rainbowfeet · 02/06/2013 14:47

I have been in this same position .. Now separated divorce pending!

I can look back on my situation now & see it wasn't him it was the circumstances around us (disabled child, with a life limiting condition). I got it all wrong back then, I was trying to escape my life not him, It wasn't him being distant it was me pushing him away, it wasn't him going off to work without a care in the world, it was me grieving for a career lost & the normal life I had before... In short I was in a terrible mental state & we needed help as a couple! But I couldn't see straight, I still left & to this day I wish I could turn the clock back.

Be sure it's not life that is making you sad & not your marriage, I've heard great things about relate x

Slainte · 02/06/2013 14:51

Great post rainbowfeet You've also given me pause for thought.

ProphetOfDoom · 02/06/2013 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Frenchgirlinuk · 02/06/2013 15:09

I don't know what I want to happen. The thing is, I don't want to tell him but I only see it as fair that her knows, now that he has asked. What I would like is to fall in love with him again!! I want to be happy and in love with the father of my children. But I don't see how...
I will think about it though is a very good question, what do I want when I tell him to happen...
Scaevola, I don't know. Sometimes I want it over (when we are distant and he is a bit irritating, although I know everyone is!) and sometimes when we are good, I want it to work. I don't think there are specific areas where I am dissatisfied, I am just not in love with him. But I love the great person he is!
Rainbowfeet, I do think that too, but as I said above, its not my life or my marriage, its me.
Schwaltz, a few months after my last child was born, I just didn't want to have sex and everything went downhill from there. I have very bad PMS and I started antidepressant, now I realise I was blaming my sadness on the PMS and even the Dr. said, you can't take AD's because you don't love your partner Sad

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 02/06/2013 15:11

Do you want to break up? Or do you want the relationship to recover?

Original poster
Frenchgirlinuk · 02/06/2013 15:15

Dione, Idon't know. Sometimes I do want to break up, when I think about my needs. But if I look at the bigger picture, the children, the families, etc. then I want it to work.
I am sorry I can't give you a clear answer. I guess that is why I am here pondering what to do, because if I knew, I would have done something I guess.
I went to relate for the sex problems, they picked up there was something with the relationship but DP didn't want to go and they said it was difficult to work with me alone. But we where not focusing on me not being in love, as I hadn't realised myself!

OP posts:
Arrowsofrain · 02/06/2013 15:27

Does he not look as physically attractive now as he did a few years ago when you got to know him? Put on weight maybe? Gone bald?
Or does he look much the same yet you don't find that same person as attractive to look at now as you once did? Or is it his personality that you don't find atttractive now? Too many irritating habits?
Maybe it's you who, for some reason, have changed and you don't see him or react to him the way you once did a few years ago?
If you don't find him attractive now as a man I can't see how you are going to look at him one day and suddenly find him attractive again. Not if nothing changes.

Original poster
Frenchgirlinuk · 02/06/2013 15:35

yes, he has changed physically and he is older than me and that is noticeable. But I think its me, dont want to write it but I might have got bored in the relatinship. I miss excitement.

OP posts:
Original poster
Frenchgirlinuk · 02/06/2013 15:35

yes, he has changed physically and he is older than me and that is noticeable. But I think its me, dont want to write it but I might have got bored in the relatinship. I miss excitement.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 02/06/2013 15:35

I think that it's important to clarify your thoughts and then talk to him about them. Are you prepared to end the relationship if nothing changes?

unapologetic · 02/06/2013 15:37

Is it not normal to feel like this during a long relationship? sometimes life gets in the way and your feelings change but then things settle down a bit and improve. I read once that you shouldn't analyse every little thing in a relationship. Sometimes it is best to do nothing and things naturally improve.

Original poster
Frenchgirlinuk · 02/06/2013 15:38

it breaks my heart to think that Sad probably why I am avoiding the reality

OP posts:
Arrowsofrain · 02/06/2013 15:58

So it's how he has changed for the worse physically and you're having become bored living with him that seems to have caused it, maybe? If so it's all perfectly understandable and natural surely, and I sympathise with you.
Maybe he could do something about his appearance? Maybe he doesn't make enough effort to make the best of how he looks now?
Also, do you think you might eventually become bored living with any man for years? Very difficult to keep up excitement when you get to know someone inside out!
Maybe marriage or long term commitment to one person always runs that risk. Maybe a marriage can't retain any romance about it unless you continue to feel attracted to your partner? Maybe that's essential. Maybe some people just stay together anyway and plod on...

scaevola · 02/06/2013 16:01

Excitement per se is over-rated.

But that doesn't mean putting up with a relationship that you've outgrown.

Do you think it's the end of the road?

rainbowfeet · 02/06/2013 16:08

I do feel for you & don't want to sound all therapist like but what about having a break from the marriage (you can be parents & friends) maybe you need time apart to work on yourself. You said he has an incline because he asked if you loved him, maybe he would agree to some space in order it might save the marriage.

To split up entirely is something you have to be sure of 100%, on the one hand I firmly believe life is not a rehearsal & you have to be happy even if that means splitting up, I have found the grass isn't always greener!!

Weirdly the 2 people my ex & myself have become there is no way we could be together so maybe we'd have split up anyway at some point. Sending you a hug anyway, it is such a scary prospect, take your time, if a full trial separation is not workable then maybe some time by yourself (long walks, time with family & girl friends) x

badinage · 02/06/2013 16:13

Is there something that's happened in recent weeks or months that has forced this issue?

I'm going to be blunt - have you met someone else who excites you?

Justfornowitwilldo · 02/06/2013 16:22

So you wanted to go to relationship counselling and he refused? I can't imagine that helped the way you feel about him.

Original poster
Frenchgirlinuk · 02/06/2013 17:41

Arrowsofrain, yes I have thought of that, maybe I would get bored with any man, so I though if that is he case, I rather be bored with the father of my children than someone else!

OP posts:
Original poster
Frenchgirlinuk · 02/06/2013 17:47

scaevola, I don't know, that is what I find difficult to figure out...
rainbowfeet, a temporary break is very complicated with children I think, I do have a lot of time for myself, I go swimming, do things with children as I am a SAHM and definitely lots of outings with friends. Sometimes that is the problem, I already live a bit as if I was single.
Badinage, yes. My close friend has split up from DP and we have been going out a few times, we have got chatted up, and it is fun. But believe me I am not deluded. I know day to day life is not that. And I have been feeling like this for many months/years, much before that happened with my friend.
Justfornowitwilldo, yes he thought I had a problem with sex, and that it was my problem alone. Also he is very shy and quiet person. Going to a couple counselling for him would be worse than hell.

OP posts:
Arrowsofrain · 02/06/2013 18:35

This begins to remind me of Emma, the bored doctor's wife in Flaubert's Madame Bovary! Just joking a little! Have you read it?

One thing is for sure: you say that going to couple counselling would be worse than hell for him. Well, no matter how ultra hellish it is for him, and no matter how shy and private he is, if he truly loves you, and is desperate to keep you, he'll go. And you won't need to drag him either. He'll go more than willingly!!
If he still refuses, even when he realises how very important it might be for him, well, he doesn't love you as much as all that. Just my opinion, of course. Please don't be offended.

peggotty · 02/06/2013 18:39

You have to give him a chance to go to counselling or something similar - he doesn't even know the extent of your feelings at the moment so you don't actually know the extent he may go to to make things work - you have to question whether you want to go to counselling etc and not pass the 'blame' onto him.