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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I tell him...

48 replies

Frenchgirlinuk · 02/06/2013 13:55

That no, I don't feel like before? Sad
Been together for a few years and have two children. (I have name changed because he has been looking here before). He asked me if I still love him, and I do, as the father of my child and all that, but not as a lover or maybe in a romantic way... I don't feel attracted to him, god I feel awful saying this, I haven't admitted it to anyone. So my reply was yes I love you, but deep down I know I wasn't sincere.
I know he sees that I don't feel the same as a few years back.
I know I have to tell him but he is a great partner, I don't know why my feelings have changed as he hasn't done anything wrong. If anything he has got better since the kids. I just have fallen out of love with him, and I actually wish I hadn't I don't want to hurt him. So I don't know what to do?
Should I tell him? I feel very very sad.

OP posts:
Rulesgirl · 02/06/2013 18:47

Hi Op ....sorry. It's a horrible feeling. How would you feel if you imagine him being " in love " with another woman. ? If you imagine him having loving sex with another woman? Does it spark any feeling in you? Sometimes we forget to be lovers when we become Mum and Dad and the feeling of being in love ( lust ) dies. You feel more like brother and sister. More often this feeling can come back cause all the things that made you fall in love with him in the first place are still there you just can't see them.

Original poster
Frenchgirlinuk · 02/06/2013 19:03

Rulesgirl, I dont feel bad. I would be happy for him Sad

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Original poster
Frenchgirlinuk · 02/06/2013 19:04

Arrows, you are right not offended at all. I might tell him that.

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Original poster
Frenchgirlinuk · 02/06/2013 19:05

Havent read Madam Bovary but I will now!

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Arrowsofrain · 02/06/2013 19:18

Oh, but you haven't really done anything yet.... but Emma does... and more and more...!

Rulesgirl · 02/06/2013 19:35

well then I guess if you would be fine and happy with him having a new relationship then you really dont fancy him.Grin Sometimes it takes something like that to make someone regret having left. So wad just wondering .

Arrowsofrain · 02/06/2013 19:58

Although you might not be in love with him you seem to care a lot about him. You said you don't want to hurt him, for example, so you must care.
Is it true then that you are still very fond of him? That you love, or almost love him in a way, but that it's no longer the kind of love you have for him that would lead you to want to have sex with him? Is that the crux of it? Yet you felt that kind of love in the past?
Would you seriously not feel at all jealous or upset if he told you he had become fond of someone else? Or would this almost be a relief for you as it would make things easier?
No need to answer all these questions if you'd rather not. Just asking because you said you had no-one to talk to about your secret feelings.

Original poster
Frenchgirlinuk · 02/06/2013 22:17

oh I care deeply about him! I have been all cudly to him today after writing this because I feel so bad. And its not pity, I feel like hugging him. But I have thought that many times, if he sat me down and say that he met someone else I will be incredibly sad for the family, but I'd be happy for him because I want him to be loved, he, as everyone, deserves it.

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Original poster
Frenchgirlinuk · 02/06/2013 22:21

I felt that kind of love for him yes, but then he wasn't as kind to me! he has become much nicer to me over the time. But I do think that it was also to do with the fact that he is so so private and shy and coulnt show emotions, but after the years he has felt comfortable with me and is a lot more afectionate. I now I feel like this. So it us heartbreaking.

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OnTheNingNangNong · 02/06/2013 22:25

Frenchgirl, your thread resonates with me, I am in a similar position to you. I can't help with any advice, but I hope everything works out well for you

Original poster
Frenchgirlinuk · 02/06/2013 22:32

Oh, sorry to read that. So what is your situation, if you want to tell?

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Original poster
Frenchgirlinuk · 03/06/2013 09:13

I just checked relate online and its £28 per email! its a bit much for me...

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OnTheNingNangNong · 03/06/2013 09:32

I've been with my husband throughout most of my adult life, he's a great person, good father to our DC and I love him as a friend, but not as a partner.

Sometimes I wish he could find someone else, who will make him happy and would be happy with him.

I've posted about this before under a different name as I really wanted advice and I was given great advice, but I still can't shake this feeling.

Also, there's a few things that have happened in the past that I cannot quite forget, even if I can forgive.

Original poster
Frenchgirlinuk · 03/06/2013 10:47

Thanks for sharing. So you decided to stay with him, did you ever tell him how you feel?

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OnTheNingNangNong · 03/06/2013 11:44

I did tell him how I felt, I owed it to myself and him to be completely honest, and it was a horrible conversation but we agreed to make a few changes and I will reevaluate in 6 months/a year.

To be honest, nothing much has changed, but I want to put my all in before I make a final decision.

My husband buries his head in the sand a lot. Which doesn't help matters, but I am afraid of the long term.

dubstarr73 · 03/06/2013 16:37

Oh i know how you feel,im the exact same.Lt partner who i jst dont love anymore.Its getting to the stage where he is seriously annoying me.Ive asked him to go but he wont.Even if he gave me some space i would know for definate whether i wanna be with him.

I think im gonna ask him to leave and if he doesnt go i will have to put him out.I have to put my own feelings first for once.

Magicmayhem · 03/06/2013 17:01

Sorry I don't have time to read all the thread Frenchgirlinuk, but I didn't notice how old your children are... could you possibly have PND?

Original poster
Frenchgirlinuk · 03/06/2013 18:16

Well that is what I think, he deserves to know but I hate hurting him, specially if I am going to stay with him after all. I just dont know what I want.

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Original poster
Frenchgirlinuk · 03/06/2013 18:17

Magic, they are 5 and 3, not PND

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Original poster
Frenchgirlinuk · 03/06/2013 18:18

Dubstarr, but you sound as if you know what you want, so that is dsome improvement!

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rainbowfeet · 03/06/2013 18:34

If it's a sex / spark thing then it is hard to get that back once it's gone. My ex & I didn't share a bed for the last 18 months of our marriage, I don't think we barely even hugged, I can't remember too much detail because I think I've kind of blocked it all out.
I did try but I just didn't or couldn't show him any affection, I was just numb & emotionless. I don't remember even crying that much when I moved out, I just felt I'd escaped!! The best way I can describe it is with what was going on with my poorly dd & looking after my other dd I just didn't have room in my heart for him, I could be his friend but not his wife!! He put up with that for a long time but I felt guilty, I kept saying find someone who can give you what I can't.
Shortly after I left poorly dd passed away & this sent me further away from him, I made some bad judgements (man wise) I think I was trying to fill a void, it occurred to me after a few months that the void might not be losing my dd but losing him, us the family unit, so we went to relate twice (couldn't afford more)Shock but we were too far apart by that time, we tried to date, the only common ground was surviving dd & the intimacy was a disaster!!! Confused

I think you know deep inside when there is no going back, my benchmark was hoping he meets someone & the thought of it not bothering me at all x

Original poster
Frenchgirlinuk · 03/06/2013 18:54

oh rainbow I am so sorry about your DD, can't imagine how painful that must be Thanks I hope you are in a better place now, and maybe settle again?
See we do cuddle a lot, we hug in bed and I can and feel affection towards him, its just not sexual or passionate in any way.
I am not sure if this wipl happen with any long term partner, and that thought is scary.

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Original poster
Frenchgirlinuk · 04/06/2013 08:26

For some reason until.I post I cant see replies (phone) so just saying that I havent had a chance to speak to him. He is busy with a hobby so is all nice and loving the few minutes we spend together. Dont know if he will ask again!

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