My dp says I do not listen

[Whatalotofpiffle]

Tonight my dp is commenting endlessly on me not listening to him... In general (please note at the moment he is out in the shed)

I read books and am a childminder with apps on my phone for keeping records, so am on these a bit. I don't read or go on these endlessly, and do watch evening tv, but he keeps saying I never listen.

I don't always hear what he says as I am engrossed in what I am doing but ALWAYS say 'sorry, I didn't hear you.' Or something like that.

Am I being a shit or is he being a bit unfair?

Depends what he's expecting you to listen to.

If he's trying to tell you stuff that's bothering him/trying to have a general conversation etc and you're always ignoring him or too busy to talk then maybe he has a point.

If he's expecting you to listen to him ordering you around/lecture you then he is being unreasonable.

Second one might be a bit jumping to conclusions, it's just a friend of mine's DP is always whining "You never listen" in the manner a parent would to a child, and it's generally because he speaks to her like he's her dad and she's some errant teenager.

It can be very frustrating to be trying to talk to someone and they clearly just regard you as background noise to their texting/reading/TV watching, etc. How often do you put down what you're doing, make eye contact, engage in a conversation with him? And him the same with you?

It's more that I don't always hear the first sentence. I always stop what I'm doing to talk. He says he always hears what I say straight away but I try to explain that if I am engrossed in a book I might need snapping out of it!

God I hate people only half listening to me so always make a point if listening , talking etc properly

I can't always hear the first bit though if I am working etc

Does he gain your attention before talking to you? If so and you drift off mid-sentence he has a point. Communicating with someone is much more than talking though, it involves gaining their attention, conveying information and checking it has been understood. Talking at someone, mumbling or stream-of-consciousness wittering is not trying to communicate.

That's exactly it! He doesn't try and get my attention first, just launches into conversation. I love talking to him but sometimes in the middle of accounts work I need a second

What is he doing in the shed and are you allowed in it?

If I'm reading then that is what I'm doing so DH can't just talk at me without getting my attention first.

I'm normally reading MN or work emails but he needs to learn like the DC have to get my attention.

Asking him to repeat the beginning is good, as you're interested in understanding. What drives me nuts is when someone doesn't hear the first bit, nods along then makes something up to fill the gap.

I don't drift off, once he has me, I'm there

Great x post

Well, then he's saying you should be listening out for him at all times, just in case he wants to launch into something, so never focus on anything but him, which is ridiculous.

I said that, if I am reading I am properly engrossed in it. I feel he needs to get my attention first.

I also agree, much better to ask than pretend! We just had a conversation about someone taking kids away and I missed who he was talking about do asked him and he huffed to shed.

Suspect he is eating latest Aldi choc stash we keep out of dd's way

Thank you! I said to him before he huffed that I cannot stop concentrating on stuff just in case he talks. Ridiculous!

It's rude, isn't it, to launch into a conversation with someone who is clearly engrossed in something else, without an opening 'have you got a minute?' or 'can I interrupt you for a second'- type opening gambit - it presumes, as you say, that what they are doing is less important than what the great 'I am' has to say. Is he always instantly attentive when you talk to him, or does it only work one way?

Blimey, even if I phone someone I always start by asking them if it's a convenient time to talk and if DH or the kids are engrossed in something, I usually apologise for interrupting what they are doing to ask/tell them something.

That's good manners surely? I'd be really irritated if someone demanded my attention when I'm doing something else, unless it was really essential or urgent that I stopped what I was doing.

Sounds like you need some basic communication ground rules. How about you agree a period of an hour each evening when there's no competing 'noise' like TV, phone surfing or the internet? I'm assuming too that you eat together without all that stuff going on in the background?

Very rude.
XH used to launch into "conversation" even as I was reading DS a book, for example.

It may be that your OH thinks of something because he's on quiet time, but you should both reflect on why he feels the need to interrupt you, and not call your attention first.

Have you got a place where you can go to do your accounts/other work or read? Then, when you're around the main living area, you can be 'there' in the same way that he is. Easier in the long run.

I think you both have a point, and I don't think he is being overly unfair.

Perhaps you need to read between the lines, and what he is saying is that he needs a little more of your undivided attention and affection?

IMO it is quite hurtful trying to talk to someone who only gives you half their attention, because of tv/ipads/phones, which can take up more of your time than you realise as they are quite addictive (bitter experience of ex who was bleeding glued to his devices for every single second he could and didn't even look up at me, hence ex - bedtime, playground, dinner time, constantly). Perhaps you need to 'schedule' 15 minutes of just sitting down and chatting about the day time with him each day?

Well, the other side to this is probably about how you manage your time, rather than listening.

Does he regard time together in the evening as social time? Whereas you regard it as part social, part other leisure activities (reading, watching telly), part work time? Is it not always clear which you're going to do and which you're actually doing? e.g. do you start watching a programme together, then you get engrossed in work? That would make it hard for him to know when you're available for conversation and when he can interrupt.

I bet before the advent of smartphones etc you'd have gone off to a quiet part of the house for an hour, done your accounts, then come back. So this is partly about the changed etiquette prompted by technology.

I do think chatting to someone who is reading a book is rude, unlesss you need to interrupt to ask them something. It suggests you don't really accept they are 'doing something'. Reading newspapers though, can be more of a social, read a but, chat a bit activity and with phones, you never know whether their activity is serious or trivial.

So, you could probably make it easier for him but I'd also stick with my original assumption that he's a teeny bit lacking in social skills, so is only thinking about what he wants to say, not about the person he's saying it to.

Thank you all for your replies, they have really helped me clarify the situation. I think it is a mixture if things

• dp cannot concentrate, doesn't read books or long magazine articles so is never really engrossed in anything

• it may be confusing for him to know what I am doing, you're right, as he might think I'm playing a game etc

• I do need to clarify with him how I spend time etc

• I probably do sit on my phone too much

It does only seem to be about whether I hear the first bit immediately though. He says he always hears me, which he seems to, but like I said he is always in the middle of 10 different things and never fully engrossed in one.

We eat at the table, talk for at least an hour a night, it's just me concentrating on something and not responding to everything immediately which bugs him

I'm going to talk to him and post an update ...

Ok, I asked him and he said it is the comments he makes about tv programmes that I don't respond to or the little things he mentions in passing.

One the one hand we may start watching a tv programme together then I will do something on my phone, but really, I think this is asking too much of me.

I work long days, eat with him and sometimes zone out. I feel I need to. I do work in the bedroom sometimes but I have reams of paperwork and when I do this I end up spending the whole evening in the bedroom.

If he could just say my name, wait for me to respond, then speak, it would work.

Or should I just have relax time and any time with him should not be taken up with anything else?

To clarify, I don't zone out at meal times!

Exactly how much time do you spend on your phone ? Be honest. And are you really doing 'accounts'or are you playing games or Fbooking ? If he asked you to switch your phone off for 1 whole evening how would you feel ? Would you panic ?
One of my best mates is addicted to her phone. Seriously addicted. Are you sure you're not ?

You have good advice here. But he has an issue which is not yours.

He can't concentrate and gets bored easily and that is his problem to solve. You don't have to be instantly available.

No, not addicted to phone, he was the one who pushed for me to get the iPhone. I wouldn't panic at all.

It's not just the phone, it's books, laptop, cross stitch, sewing machine.. Anything!