My dp says I do not listen

[Whatalotofpiffle]

Tonight my dp is commenting endlessly on me not listening to him... In general (please note at the moment he is out in the shed)

I read books and am a childminder with apps on my phone for keeping records, so am on these a bit. I don't read or go on these endlessly, and do watch evening tv, but he keeps saying I never listen.

I don't always hear what he says as I am engrossed in what I am doing but ALWAYS say 'sorry, I didn't hear you.' Or something like that.

Am I being a shit or is he being a bit unfair?

Well, it sounds as though he has difficulty with empathy and considering others' point of view - so understanding that not everyone in the world is exactly the same as him.

I feel quite sorry for him if he cannot concentrate. It's a skill that needs to be worked on but also a wonderful experience. The concept of 'flow' is interesting - that it is when you are fully absorbed in something so you're not properly aware of time passing, that you are happiest.

I take a while to get 'into' things and know I can waste time flitting about (I'm having a planned break now, honest!) and gain no satisfaction from this, whereas when I do get into something, I come away feeling I've achieved something and the experience is memorable. I quite envy people who can become instantly absorbed and fully zone out from surrounding distraction. Some people just can but practice helps.

My DP spends a lot of time on his phone with emails/messages for work and he also loves playing games, but usually when I come into the room he will put it down if its not important - especially in bed.

If we are together and he's playing games he'll play them on the ipad so that I can help him or we snuggle up and watch TV together or both play our own games, but as we're side by side we would hear if the other person spoke.

With my ex he always wanted his own space, would sit on the other side of the room and look at stuff on his laptop, so anything I said about TV etc he would miss because he wasn't in the same 'zone' as me. Do you sit together and touch etc because I think that connection makes you more aware of each other.

Lottie - very well put. I do get into things and am deeply absorbed, especially reading non fiction (I read history books) and crafting. He doesn't so doesn't really get how I genuinely have no idea what he said, but do know that he spoke.

He also gets mad when I sleep talk to him and he doesn't believe that I was asleep.

Just so you know, on every other level he is wonderful.

Re intimacy, we do sit close, legs over each other, snuggled up etc but not really possible when on sewing machine

I really don't see why I should put what I am doing down ... I can't commit every moment when he is in the room 100% to him, please don't suggest I can't have hobby time, engrossed in book time or answering email time

Very interesting replies btw, really making me think

I all your hobbies. They sound a really interesting mix.

I think you should LTB so you can do hobbies all your free time

Obviously you should have time to do these things, but how often do you slip into them at times when your DH thinks you are spending time together?

In your example -- the two of you sit down to watch TV. Then you start playing on your phone. So your DH gets annoyed because you're not really 'there' anymore.

It sounds fine in theory to say he should get your attention first but it's a bit awkward when you're just wanting to make little comments about what you're watching. 'Darling. Darling. Can I say something to you? Darling? Oh I was wondering what you thought about that thing on the screen. It's gone now. Never mind.'

I admit I'm biased because my DH is a bit like you, and it does drive me nuts sometimes. I don't interrupt him when he's off reading a book but for example sometimes he will just go into his phone when we're all hanging out, and I hate having to repeat myself three times.

It's not about saying he should be ready for me to speak at all times, just that if you want to really concentrate on something, maybe go in the bedroom so I know you are off in another headspace.

And I'm not sure it's fair to say it's because you can concentrate so much and he can't. I can focus on things just as deeply as DH, I just tend not to do so when we're in the same room.

Yes I suppose I could go into another room but we only have 2 rooms downstairs.

I'm beginning to feel like I am being an arse!

I'm not saying you're an arse -- I don't think my DH is an arse either

I guess I'm just suggesting trying to see it from your partner's POV and to see why it might be frustrating for him sometimes. And maybe there are some little things both of you can do to alleviate the problem?

On his part, he can get it through his head that if you're working or reading a book or sewing, you are focusing on something and he needs to get your attention first.

On your part, it might help to be really obvious about when you're working versus just playing around on your phone, and to not go on your phone too much if the two of you are hanging out and spending time together.

Don't feel like that.

I also need me time for my own stuff without being on constant call from other people.

It should be quite easy for him to touch you gently or call your name to get your attention.
Is he willing to work on that? Or he'd rather just complain?

I always zone out when I'm reading.

When someone is talking to me, I don't hear them until they have my attention.

Bear in mind that if someone wants to talk to you, the onus is on them to get your attention.
If you don't hear what's been said, unless you are deaf, it's their fault that you didn't hear. ie: they've not got your attention, they're speaking to quietly, they're speaking in a funny different accent (DH, I'm looking at you). etc

If your DH is trying to talk to you and he's complaining you don't listen, the onus is on him to make sure he has your attention when he wants to speak to you.
you can't just start talking to someone without getting their attention and then expect them to know you were talking to them!
(it's rude beyond anything else)

so, if he wants you to listen to him, he has to (at the very least) say your name, and make sure you are engaged.
(especially as you say you don't wander off mid-conversation)

I hate it when I'm engrossed in something and someone starts talking to me without getting my attention first and checking it's convenient for me to chat. It does imply that their desire to talk is more important than whatever I am doing.
Often people who complain other people don't listen are overly fond of the sound of their own voice and constant wittering.
On the other hand this is the man you have chosen to live with so the subject needs to be addressed by both or you.
He maybe needs to wait until you have finished what you are doing before starting to talk so he's talking to you not at you, you maybe need to make yourself more available to talk and spend less time talking to people who aren't actually there with you and give him more attention.

I get annoyed if DP is on his phone while we're watching telly together. It means its not a shared experience any more, we just happen to be in same room with tv on in background. It's a bit different if I'm told "Really sorry but I need to focus on some work tonight", in that case I'd probably go off and find something to do myself.

He needs to get used to the idea that you focus deeply, naturally. And if he wants attention he has to ask, because this is just 'you' - you aren't being a nuisance.

I know someone who focuses deeply and quickly. This is a great gift in some respects. The downside is that you have to be overt to get her out of it (it's akin to hypnosis! ) and she can miss important cues in the environment. I take time to focus, but don't miss much on the periphery.

People are built differently. It's no good his being huffy about this, as it's just how you are, and does no harm to anyone.

It depends on how often he wants your attention. Maybe a couple of times in half an hour is fine, but if it's 5 times it's daft. There can't be 5 interesting things to say to someone you live with every half an hour imo.