what to do

[Ladyfeymorgan]

I?ve just found out my husband is cheating, I know we were going through a bad patch (nothing major not talking fighting over silly things trying to work arounf family life and work) but to cheat it has flatten me for six ? I don?t know what to do ? on one hand I want him to stay but every time his phone beeps or he disappears he is on the phone with her they work together which doesn?t help so the next business trip he will be with her ? how can I have him stay and ask him to not see her when they have to work together ? what to do, where to start I haven?t a clue with have small children together and we are financially dependant on him ? I?m well and truly lost

Poor you.

If you've only just found out, your mind and body will still be in crisis mode, and may be so for some weeks. It's not the greatest state in which to make the big decisions.

You can decide to reconcile or to end the marriage, but need do neither until you are feeling stronger and can be much more certain of what you really want.

From you post, it's not clear whether he has ended the affair (I read it as not). I do not think a marriage has a chance whist one spouse has an external partner.

So sorry this is happening to you. MN wisdom gained the hard way by experience says to tell him to leave while you work out what you want. As hard as that is, it is for the best in the long run, whatever happens. It's the best for your own self esteem.

You'll get lots of advice about how this can work practically and financially on this thread if that's what you decide to do.

Expect to be on a complete rollercoaster andbe kind to yourself.

He doesn't know i know at the moment, still in a state of shock - she is married and knows about me and my family its almost as if they are best friends with benefits but both married - he is trying to arrange a holiday for our wedding anni in sept but spent more time texting her about it then talking to me (the wife as i'm known) - its all so strange i just don't know - i'm not sure i could take the rejection at the moment he is going away for business next week so i may be able to clear me head a bit

Also sorry that you've been hit by this bombshell and I agree with the above that you should ask him to step out for a while and let you think things through. I know how strong the drive is to keep your family together at a time like this but IME that only leads you down a path of demeaning yourself & compromising your values in the short-term. You probably don't want to share this news with anyone and that is very isolating. A few weeks calm thinking time without the high emotion of having to be under the same roof is very useful whether you ultimately choose to reconcile or not.

Good luck

Sorry to hear this. On a practical note, how do you know? Have you forwarded texts / e-mails to somewhere safe?

Are you going to confront him? Will she be away with him next week?

And BTW, you do know that the 'bad patch' is probably not your fault? He has probably been engineering arguments to justify his affair.

I had a phone call at work from a lady telling me about the affairs so i did some checking, i have seen meesages and photos and bookings for a break away when he should have been working, this is the main problem i have if i were to say me or her (which i am not 100 happy about giving himt he option) he works with her all the time how can i stop them talking when his job means he has to - i never thought i the bad patch as a way to justify his affair - he has always been prone to sulking and giving us the silent treatment when he doesn't get want he wants its just been more freq then usually, it would explain also why he parents haven't managed to get through to him lately either.

this sucks - why couldn't he just be honest and say

'Me or her' puts the decision about your future in his hands. Is that what you want? This sulking spoilt brat once again deciding how things are going to be and getting his own way? Waiting for His Lordship to decide if you're worth being married to or not? I'm glad you're feeling because I honestly think you need to find some fury from somewhere and, however difficult it is, for once in your life tell this arsehole what his future looks like. Take charge...

If you need to put your head in the sand for a few days, that's fine.

But this won't go away, and you're going to have to decide when and how you deal with it.

If you don't know when the affair started, you have no idea of the relevance of the state of your marriage. For the errant partner to start fault finding and generally withdrawing is classic behaviour of the cheater and is not your fault. If he was dissatisfied in the marriage, the healthy response is to deal with that with your spouse, not start lying to them to justify betrayal.

Sorry for what you are going through

You ask "how can i stop them talking when his job means he has to"

It's neither your problem or your responsibility to "stop them." It is your responsibility to keep your wedding promises, which you have done. It is your husband's responsibility to keep his, which he has spectacularly failed to do. It is he who has ruined this.

He has shat all over your marriage and deserves to lose everything. He needs to be asked to leave so that a) you can think about whether or not you want him back and b) so that he can think about what he has chucked away.

If your husband wants to save his marriage then it is his problem to stop himself talking to her. He'll probably have to get another job. "Impossible!" I hear him cry. . . well then you're set to lose your wife, your house, your kids and xx% of your income, mate. Should have thought of that before you dropped your trousers.

You need to start getting angry. If you don't wish to confront him just yet I would suggest seeing a solicitor in the meantime.

This woman from work, btw, are you confident she couldn't be the OW trying to trigger a confrontation?

I wouldn't be letting them go away on their cozy business trip without bursting the fantay bubble by telling him I knew. I'd also be telling him thatit was all round the office.

the thought did occur to me but she is married and from the messages i've seen i don't think she is looking to leave, it all very weird at first i thought it would be a glimmer of hope to work things out but the more messages i see the more confusion i get i beginning to wonder if he wants me to find out as he is to bloody chicken to say all the details and photos are there on his phone easy for me or my 2 DD to see including photos i rather they did see, our youngest loves looking at photos on the phone and taking it just to easy if that makes sense

It has to be pretty blatant for someone from his office to actually call you. And yes, I think he does want to be found out. He's clearly a coward if the sulking and silent-treatment is anything to go by. Doesn't like confrontation or admitting fault. He's been behaving badly already and you haven't ditched his sorry backside. So, by making sure you're in no doubt, he's hoping you throw him out and then - possibly - he can whine about how you ended it rather than him. Which is a fake argument, obviously, but depressingly common.

So sorry this is happening. It's a lot to take in. Have you any RL friends you can confide in? Helps a lot.

I do have RL but none of them liked my husband so i'm not sure i would get the level thinking, they would be dancing on his grave so to speak, he has burnt his bridges with most of them - i tend to talk to his mother about issues (they look after our DD's for the day while i work)but this as you can image isn't really a conversion to have with the in-laws just yet

Most of us find that friends are polite about partners and we only find out how they really felt after the relationship ends. There's that 'why didn't you tell me this sooner?' forehead-slapping moment after which they apologise and say they didn't like to get involved. If the friends he has ostracised have already been telling you to your face that he's a arse and if some woman he works with is distressed/offended enough to call you in person about the affair those two things are really not the normal way this goes. There's a reason people are trying to protect you.... they don't like him one bit. And with good reason, it seems

Confide in a friend, it's good you came on here but you need rl back-up.

As he met her at work, and is due to go away on a business trip, he might as well pack a bag and go away this weekend, gives you space.

Him leaving his phone lying around in plain sight is him being arrogant enough to think you're so blind, he's so clever. Sulks and silent treatment. Lazy too, such a cliché trying it on with a colleague.

The bad patch could as easily have started when he started flirting with OW. Suddenly home life looked very humdrum and you didn't know it but he was comparing you, getting snappy or critical.

Resist the temptation to say "Her or me". Don't let him sabotage any of your self-worth.

Definitely contact a solicitor, see where you stand legally.

thanks, it was good to be able to air out and clear the mind, just so hard

It's really hard, a really horrible time and you have nothing but my sympathy. Take a lot of guts to face up to something like this because it's so emotional and traumatic. There's very little positive anyone can usefully say except to encourage you to be strong, prioritise yourself and your DCs and try to avoid making compromises you later regret.

I think one of the key things to think about when you are deciding what you want in the future - assuming he wants to remain in the marriage - is this...

Is this behaviour part of a pattern with him - of entitlement/blaming/selfishness - that is so entrenched, that he is unlikely toever change?

Is this a complete aberration? Totally out of character and linked to a significant life event and enabled by poor coping mechanisms and rotten choices?

You know the bones of him - is he a shite through and through or is he a basically decent person who has made a catastrophically awful set of choices which he is likely to look back on with utter shame and regret?

It's waaay too soon to be making big decisions and I'm glad you will be having some time to yourself to process this.

Good people do bad things sometimes - it's how they make amends and learn that's the key. However, putting yourself and a marriage back together after such a truly horrific betrayal is the more difficult of the 2 paths to take - by a very long way. Please don't underestimate how difficult it is when you are making your decision.

Why have you not confronted him with what you know ? Are you able to hide your feelings so well that he wont notice how distressed you are? is your marriage THAT arid and stale ? And if you can, honestly, conceal the shock and distress you must be feeling from the person who is supposed to be your life partner, why would you WANT to stay married to him? Its a sham

Use the time to see a family law solicitor and get shot of this person.. make the rest of your life happier than this .... ?

Ladyfey, how are you today?

The most important thing is that you appear to be taking the decisions. From now on, he must know that it is about what you will or will not accept. It is absolutely fine to stay silent and not confront him for a short while if that's what you need to clear your head (I kept silent once for three weeks, he knew nothing, I was so shocked and I needed to plan what I wanted). Do not say "her or me" because that is giving him choice. Do not spend more effort gathering further evidence if it will not change in any way what you decide to do. You have all the evidence you need. Now prepare yourself for what YOU WANT.
Whether you want to work through or get rid, the best thing is to ask him to leave. There will then follow a very difficult few weeks when you will get lots of good mn support if you ask for it. You will need it if you don't have it in real life. Longer term, he may then realise what he needs to do to save his marriage and may come begging back. You may realise you don't want to continue anyway. Probably too early to decide yet - he needs to be gone before you can consider this calmly.
What you mustn't do is lurch on for months/years, begging for crumbs from this cheater and fooling yourself he is a reformed character when he is absolutely not worth you, your marriage, your children. Your self-esteem must be paramount. He MUST be taught the rules of marriage or your life, your kids' lives, is just too short to waste on this nonsense.
Sorry to sound brutal, many of us have been where you now are and understand the horror of it. We are on your side.

I personally wouldn't say anything just yet, I'd carry on as if I didn't know but gather my evidence (texts, emails etc) and get some legal advice to know exactly where I stood. Knowledge is power and an affair for me is a definite deal breaker.

Thinking of you op I hope you have some support.

Thanks all, you have been a great help - H is away this week which will give me a chance to see the people i need to - it has been very hard this weekend he has been overly attentive which gave me doubts but now he is gone for the moment my mind is clear ? I can not trust him, nor can I allow him to think he has the best of both worlds he choose to dip which means he has no regards for our marriage vows nor the time and consideration I have given him over the past 6 months. She can have him with be blessings I am free from a selfish and sulking grown man. Just need a plan of action to make sure me DC are secure for the future. Again thank you for allowing me to air and being there - I have now spoken to a couple of RL friends which has helped a lot.

Nothing helpful to add but wishing you well. Your post today sounds like you are feeling much stronger.