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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm not BU, am I? Or maybe I am.

28 replies

LinghamStyle · 30/05/2013 19:43

So this is probably an AIBU, but I'm too scared upset to post there tonight.

Background - split with ex 3 years ago, we have 3 DC and he has had intermittent contact with them (usually when he wants something from me) and he now lives 250 miles away.

Two main issues at the moment are,

  • he was living with his mother and she died a couple of months ago, now he's trying to get a succession of tenancy and wants me to write a supporting letter saying he 'needs' a 2 bed property as he has the DC to visit/stay (they've been twice in 3 years). I'm not comfortable with this as its not true, and also anything I put in writing he could use against me at a later date.
  • he has come here a handful of times to visit the DC, I have made it clear that he can't stay here overnight and yet he still pushes for this, last time he visited he asked to have a bath, go for a nap in my bed, and various other little things that irked me. It's not his house, he's never lived here and I can't imagine acting like that if I was visiting someone and maybe I am BU as just because its different from what I'd do doesn't mean its wrong? Now he wants to visit this weekend (probably to bully me into writing the letter!) and has told the DC he will be staying with us etc.and this is after a load of verbal insults and abuse when I wouldn't do what he wanted.

I'm livid which might be clouding my judgement, so please help!

OP posts:
SweetSeraphim · 30/05/2013 19:46

Absolutely refuse to put him up. How dare he assume or even ask to stay at yours? After 3 fucking years?? Oooh, OP, I'm cross on your behalf.

LemonPeculiarJones · 30/05/2013 19:49

YANBU. He sounds like a nasty idiot. Don't cave.

HippoPottyMouth · 30/05/2013 19:49

Write a letter telling the truth :)
Say "it would be nice if he could have the house for the occasional visits from your children (twice in 3 years)" and post / email it before he gets there.

SweetSeraphim · 30/05/2013 19:50

Who cares what he says to you anyway? You hardly have to see him really. Fuck him.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 30/05/2013 19:50

YANBU. Don't let him into the house, the dc can go out if they want to see him.

NumTumDeDum · 30/05/2013 19:55

Absolutely agree with you on the letter. Under no circumstamces should you write any letter saying he has the kids regularly to stay. You run the risk of it being used against you in Children Act proceedings or dealings with the CSA. Your instinct is totally right. As for your house, he has no right to come in at all unless you ok it. I'd specify somewhere neutral for handover like a supermarket cafe.

Walkacrossthesand · 30/05/2013 19:56

No. It is your house and you invite guests that you wish to visit. He is not in that group. If he stays locally he can come and pick DCs up to take out & have time with, but if you don't want him in your house (even to use the loo - seems to be a popular tactic among bullying exes), he doesn't come in. And I agree with your stance re letter, too - if DCs visited him EOW there would be grounds, but he's had 3 years to get that established (ok, he didn't have a spare bedroom but they could have squashed in, surely?!) and didn't.

Original poster
LinghamStyle · 30/05/2013 20:01

Thanks everyone! See I didn't I was BU but he still has the ability to twist my head even after 3 years! I do.stand up for myself and if he wasn't such an arse (and a danger) then I would be more accommodating but if you give him an inch he'll take 10 miles.

NumTum that's exactly why I won't write the letter, not that he wants custody (DC are too much hard work) but he'd do it out of spite.

OP posts:
Original poster
LinghamStyle · 30/05/2013 20:02

SweetSeraphim I don't care what he says, it no longer has any power over me. It's the cheek of him, giving me abuse then wanting help and expecting me just to give it.

OP posts:
NumTumDeDum · 30/05/2013 20:06

He sounds a bit like my xh so I know exactly what you mean about being able to convince you black is white. Seriously though, don't even let him come to the door. Come up with an arrangement you're happy with (preferably somewhere there is cctv and security like a supermarket) and make it clear it is going to be that way or no way. Put it in writing, just in case.

SweetSeraphim · 30/05/2013 20:45

There are so many of them Lingham.... women too, mind, my DP's ex is just the same. I wasn't trying to imply that you let him walk over you or anything. I know how hard it is!

Original poster
LinghamStyle · 30/05/2013 20:58

I did used to let him walk over me, I was scared of him, then I called his bluff one day and said go ahead, do your worst. He did nothing, and that was the day he lost his power over me and I re-discovered my backbone.

Now its just infuriating, and he tries to force a sense of intimacy with me when all I feel towards him is revulsion. For me its like he's a stranger if that makes sense? That's why I don't like him in my house, I wouldn't let any other random person use my bath or sleep in my bed!

OP posts:
Dahlen · 30/05/2013 21:18

What's the expectation this weekend? How did you leave it when he said he was coming this weekend and expecting to stay?

HerrenaisnowHowlerMonkey · 30/05/2013 21:21

You are not BU at all - stick to your guns.

Fabulous username btw Grin

SweetSeraphim · 30/05/2013 21:41
Original poster
LinghamStyle · 31/05/2013 01:22

Dahlen I told him he's not welcome here, I'm not prepared to be abused and then be expected to extend hospitality. If he wants to see the DC then we can look at arranging something but he can forget about lounging about in MY house. (And I've arranged for my dad to be here doing DIY most of the day so he can't try to force the issue!)

Now to me, and mostly anyone else, that would be plain as day. But oh no, not him. I've had upteen messages ranging from he's grieving and that's why he was a Dickhead and I'm heartless (no, you've always been like that its nothing to do with grief) to the kids are desperate to see him as its his birthday and I'm denying the children (no, they're not arsed because you've let them down too many times) oh and I'm trying to block his future access by not writing the letter and it'll look bad for me if he takes me to court (no, I think the court will take an even dimmer view on me for telling lies).

I'm staying steadfast. It's a big, fat no.

Thing is, he'll keep on like this and I turn round and say yes, ok then you can visit and stay overnight, he probably wouldn't even turn up anyway!

OP posts:
Original poster
LinghamStyle · 31/05/2013 01:23

Herrena Thank you Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
LinghamStyle · 31/05/2013 01:33

SweetSeraphim He honestly has no sense of boundaries whatsoever! I've plainly told him, we are not friends, we are not family, I don't like you, I don't want to be around you, I'm under no legal or moral obligation to have any sort of relationship with you. All I have to do is not obstruct contact between you and the DC and that is all. He just doesn't get it.

I don't know what the correct term for it is, but he has no ability to see things from anothers point of view. He can't understand anyone who thinks or feels differently from him. So because he wants things to be a certain way then that's how things should be and its unfathomable that I don't want to do it that way. How dare I Grin

OP posts:
Dahlen · 31/05/2013 07:48

I sympathise. People like him are such a pain. I would suggest you telling him that if he persists in this sort of behaviour you will be contacting the police as it's a form of harassment. Given his behaviour, if you can prove what he's been doing you'd have no problem getting a charge to stick. It may also be worth taking out an injunction against your home address and meeting elsewhere to do handovers. Heavy-handed? Yes, undoubtedly, but in your X's case perhaps necessary to make the message clear.

Jengnr · 31/05/2013 07:53

Keep those messages. It's all in writing he's trying to force you into things.

A quick call to 101 to get it logged wouldn't be a bad idea either.

Good luck.

tallwivglasses · 31/05/2013 08:04

It seems you're spending too much time explaining everything to him. Don't bother, he's never going to suddenly see the light is he? Maybe practise sentences like, "yes I'm aware that's how you feel but I'm not changing my mind", "no" and "fuck off"

springymater · 31/05/2013 09:04

Blimey, you are definitely NOT BU!

Perhaps you could have a word with the police on the non-emergency number - and visit them to talk through what's been happening. He is harassing you. YOu don't have to have him in your house. The police need to know that when you resist his pressure he makes life difficult for you and won't leave you alone. That's harassment. He is also putting pressure on you to commit fraud. You need to get all this logged.

HSMMaCM · 31/05/2013 09:48

If your dad is there when he's coming, could you go out and then he can hand the children to your ex at the door and say "see you at 4".?

Original poster
LinghamStyle · 31/05/2013 10:22

tallwivglasses you're absolutely right, and you've given me a telling off on here before (different NN) and I am doing better - just not quite there yet obviously!

Springy I've involved the police before due to threats and harrassment. He was pulled into the station but because it was my word against his (at that time, there were no texts or witnesses) they couldn't do more than give a warning, which did work for a while. I'm in Scotland and the laws re DV are different here.

HSMM I think I will do that actually, because he won't DARE ask my Dad to let him in the house - well not if he knows what's good for him!

OP posts:
Original poster
LinghamStyle · 31/05/2013 10:28

What I've been using lately is "No" and he will ask "why not?" and I say I don't need a reason, the answer is no. And that's been working up until his mum died and now he's trying to bully me or wheedling to get what he wants - cos that's what he used to do with his mum. Well, I'm not your bloody mum!

OP posts: