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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fecking stupid useless bloody man!

57 replies

Rhubarb · 25/05/2006 16:06

We've just had yet another argument about moving back in which he accused me of actually wanting to go back to England on the basis that I've done lots of work and research on moving there. I've had to, he wasn't doing anything, but this means, in his mind, that I want to move there.

I've been on and off the last few months, ever since we decided to go back really. I've tried bucking myself up, getting snacks to make sure that I eat, etc. But today, after this argument, he wanted to go for a walk and I didn't, so he said that I'm spending too much time slumming around the house, that I'm getting far too depressed and I'm just like my mum. When I objected to that, as I would (if you know my mum) he just said "yeah the truth hurts doesn't it?" and other things that basically implied that I'm far more like my mum than I realise.

He hasn't noticed the good stuff that I'm doing, like the 20 letters of application and cvs I've sent out on his behalf, the way I'm trying to pull myself out of depression with no bloody help from him! He's gone out now and I just feel shellshocked that he could be so nasty. I feel like wrecking every single item of his.

He turns my words round, he denys things that I know he has said, he never sees the positives that I've done, only the negatives and now I'm depressed and that's all my fault and I'm now I'm just like my mum and the reason I react to that so badly is because I know it is true apparently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rhubarb · 25/05/2006 16:13

Or should I just forget about it and not get so bitter or upset?

OP posts:
motherinferior · 25/05/2006 16:14

No, he's being unreasonable. And he's also pushing exactly the buttons he knows you have, IYSWIM.

Esmummy · 25/05/2006 16:15

Not fair to say about your mum Rhubarb. I know it doesn't help now but i guarantee he apologises for that later, will have been said in the heat of the moment.
I don't know what else to say :( Your situation seems ot have been so hard over the last few months

tenalady · 25/05/2006 16:19

I have to say that having depressed folk around especially in a polarised situation can be terribly wearing. My dh couldnt get to grips when I went through pnd, 2 years and even my gp said that dh was useless with helping me through. Eventually they do get impatient and you cant understand it cos you are in your own little bubble whilst the world carries on spinning. Dh has now got depression caused by gits at work and I sometimes find I dont want to deal with it and find my self trying shock tactics like an unkind remark just to get a spark from him. Shock I should know better shouldnt I.

Original poster
Rhubarb · 25/05/2006 16:20

Esmummy, not only did he not apologise, but he said that he was only speaking the truth and if I looked hard at myself I would see that.

Yes I am depressed atm, something that he could actually help with! It doesn't help that he keeps changing his mind about France v England leaving me to make the final decisions. But when I argue this with him, he turns things around, he denies things that he's said, it somehow degenerates into an attack on me.

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FioFio · 25/05/2006 16:20

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tenalady · 25/05/2006 16:21

You get to the unkind remark situation when you really cant get your message understood. A bit like a child in the playground, when they are being ignored they quite often strike out at you or completely walk away. Make sure he doesnt get to the point when he wants to walk away.

SaintGeorge · 25/05/2006 16:22

He sure is pushing the buttons but I wonder if his depression is a big part of the reason why.

I know when I am in the depth of one of my dark days I do everything I can to push DH away. I can argue black is white just to wind him up. I am aware that I am doing it but just can't stop myself, it is as if I am a completely different person when in such a bad place. I twist his words, his intentions and pretty much make his life hell in some blind hope that he will get so pissed off he will leave me.

The last thing I want is that outcome, but at those times I don't think I deserve him or the things he does for me/our family.

Oh and I tell him how much like his dad he is, which is usually a flash point with him. He is so unlike his dad you would think he is adopted, but I know the comments hurt him so I still say them.

You need my DH to advise you how the hell to handle it though.

Esmummy · 25/05/2006 16:22

I would find that the most hurtful over anything else I think.
DH has not been much help at all lately and its unfair he is putting all this pressure on you when ultimately it is his job that determines what happens.
Did he get anywhere with talking to his current employers about something more permanent ?

tenalady · 25/05/2006 16:22

What are the fors and against to stay in France. Get your list out

Original poster
Rhubarb · 25/05/2006 16:23

Yes and no. He doesn't know. He leaves it up to me to do what I think is best, then he says "Look, you're the one who wants to move back because you're the one working up to that!" When I explain that being forced to do something is not the same as wanting to do something then he accuses me of being contradictory. It all gets very wearing and frustrating.

I've spent the past 2 years suffering his moans about this country, I've pushed him to find work, I've fought all the way, he never had a good thing to say about France, all I heard was how much he wanted to go back to England. Now we are going back and he says that he isn't sure anymore, not that he's actually going to do any work to help us stay here, he won't do that, he just says he isn't sure so that if it does go belly-up he'll never get the blame because he was never the one making the final decision.

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SaintGeorge · 25/05/2006 16:24

Sorry, I somehow read into your first post that he was the one with depression which of course you didn't.

He does sound so like me on my bad days though.

Original poster
Rhubarb · 25/05/2006 16:24

SG, is your dh around?

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SaintGeorge · 25/05/2006 16:25

Not til later Rhuby, but I will ask him to come on then if you want.

Gets home about 6.30 ish

tenalady · 25/05/2006 16:26

Roo this is not about dealing with the situation on a continual basis, surely its about whats causing it in the first place. Once you get to the root of the problem then you can start dealing with it. Smile

Original poster
Rhubarb · 25/05/2006 16:27

The reasons we are going back is that France is very financially unstable atm. Dh cannot get a permanent contract which we need to move on anywhere. I can't get more work than I have now unless I move into the city, but this is a risk as I might still not get enough work or a permanent contract, and we need a place to live in the city, we don't have enough work on atm to find somewhere else to rent, we don't have the income coming in, we got this house out of pure luck. The kids are settled here, I don't want to risk uprooting them for nothing.

That is the main reason we are coming back. I'm also tired of being the one doing the running round and tired of dh moaning about how wonderful England is.

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Hoopoe · 25/05/2006 16:27

Yup - he knows the right buttons to push! Do you react?

Erm - why are you sending out applications and cv's on his behalf? Why can't he do it? I'd defnitely stop doing it for him. He's not doing anything because he knows you will.

Why are men such wankers??? He should be supporting you, helping you get through it. But maybe he's getting depressed too.

Original poster
Rhubarb · 25/05/2006 16:28

The root of the problem is that dh is an apathetic bastard who can't make a decision to save his life, he is a contradictory bastard who likes to leave you so confused you've forgotten what you were trying to say.

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Original poster
Rhubarb · 25/05/2006 16:29

Hoopoe, if I did not send out cvs, he would go straight back to his mum and dad and work for the same people he worked for before. I have nowhere else to go. For my sake I need to get us a house at least, then he can do what the fuck he wants to do.

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ggglimpopo · 25/05/2006 16:32

Rhubarb 6Leroy Merlin in Perigord are looking for bilings to help there.... thought of your dh who could prob do this. Will ring you when no longer under piles of ironing. Do you want to come to the beach tomorrow (or soft play if tis pissing)?

Hoopoe · 25/05/2006 16:32

I lived with one of those for 5 looooong years! He's still in exactly the same place I left him 3 years ago.

Are you happy being the get up and go partner? From what you've said in previous posts he was very supportive geting you out of your rut and going travelling.

Original poster
Rhubarb · 25/05/2006 16:33

ggg, you are very helpful and I know you mean well, but we cannot move to a different area of France, I'm sorry but it's just too much. We had to fight tooth and nail to get this house, I can't do that again, not in my current state. It's only me fighting, I have no friends or family to help, and I'm bloody tired now!

We go back and I chuck him.

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ggglimpopo · 25/05/2006 16:35

Who said anything about you moving?

FioFio · 25/05/2006 16:36

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Original poster
Rhubarb · 25/05/2006 16:37

I think it's time to call it a day too. I need to get to England for that, it'll be easier to start out on my own there, then take it from there.

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