Fecking stupid useless bloody man!

[Rhubarb]

We've just had yet another argument about moving back in which he accused me of actually wanting to go back to England on the basis that I've done lots of work and research on moving there. I've had to, he wasn't doing anything, but this means, in his mind, that I want to move there.

I've been on and off the last few months, ever since we decided to go back really. I've tried bucking myself up, getting snacks to make sure that I eat, etc. But today, after this argument, he wanted to go for a walk and I didn't, so he said that I'm spending too much time slumming around the house, that I'm getting far too depressed and I'm just like my mum. When I objected to that, as I would (if you know my mum) he just said "yeah the truth hurts doesn't it?" and other things that basically implied that I'm far more like my mum than I realise.

He hasn't noticed the good stuff that I'm doing, like the 20 letters of application and cvs I've sent out on his behalf, the way I'm trying to pull myself out of depression with no bloody help from him! He's gone out now and I just feel shellshocked that he could be so nasty. I feel like wrecking every single item of his.

He turns my words round, he denys things that I know he has said, he never sees the positives that I've done, only the negatives and now I'm depressed and that's all my fault and I'm now I'm just like my mum and the reason I react to that so badly is because I know it is true apparently.

Yes he has been supportive in the past, but I wonder for what motive? Just recently he's done nothing for me or the family. Our sex life is a joke. We'll not be happy together, we just make each other miserable.

Rhubarb so sorry to hear all this. DH and I also having major problems, separated at the moment. Sometimes I think that I would just be better of without him as he seems to think that all his unhappiness is my fault , but hey I didn't go and have the affair did I. You must do what feels right for you, to give you back the happiness and security you need. Children are adaptable, mine certainly are although they miss their daddy. Take care of yourself. Thinking of you

I think the 'you're like your mum' comment is unforgiveable. As MI said, he is knowingly pressing buttons with you and that is just plain nasty.

He does sound like a nightmare but do you think it is possible that he is depressed? His whole work situation sounds bad and it almost sounds like he has given up on the whole thing.

Hmm sounds like he has no ambition. Quite happy to drift through life not putting much effort in and living like an amoeba.

Life's too short!

i would offer a nug but you'd call me a lesser. Hope you're ok hun x try and catch up later

a hug even, a nug sounds peverted

Thanks. Told him that I was leaving when we got back to England. He tried to apologise later on but it's too late, he's an idiot. I'm fed up of doing all the hard work, fed up of making all the decisions and fed up of putting up with second best.

My problem is that I didn't play the field, I married the first man I fell in love with before I even knew what love was. Now I forever wonder what else is out there. I'm an ambitious person, I don't want money but I do want an interesting life, I want to live life to the full, he wants his pipe and slippers already. He makes no effort, in the bedroom, at work, with anything. He's obsessed with playing his Mandolin and the band The Fall, both of which I put up with. If he gave life the ounce of enthusiasm he gave his 2 hobbies then he'd have a lot going for him, but he prefers to plod.

I've had enough of him.

I spoke to DH. Do you still want to hear what he said?

Ok, yes please.

btw he tried changing it saying that he said I would 'get' like my mum if I carried on. But I know he didn't say that, he said I was behaving just like my mum and that I couldn't accept that truth because truth hurts. He says my depression has nothing to do with the planned move and he thought this would happen all along. The move back that is. Not that he'll make a decision on that!

good luck! there are some fantastic blokes out there... i left my ambitious-but-all-talk-and-no-action=bugger-all man and never looked back.

Oh Rhubs

Have only just come to this, been working all day, so I will say only this.

WHAT A WANKER, and yes I know I am shouting.

From both a male perspective and that of the partner of a depressive.

Well first he agreed that his actions sound very like mine. That of course works on the assumption that your dh is suffering from depression.

He says the vital thing right now is one simple question - can you both still imagine sitting in rocking chairs, living off a pension (his goalpost for a relationship). And you both have to agree that is what you want. I suspect I know your answer.

He says he copes with my depression purely because he loves me so much and is simply not willing to put up with these tactics. Without that he would have left years ago. He reckons your dh is playing the same mind games as I do, but he honestly thinks that he has taken them to far.

His final words were that he thinks, having listened to things I have told him from your previous posts, that you are probably right to think about leaving. Your dh has killed off any feeling in you that could have pulled your relationship back together.

Sitting in rocking chairs together. Missed the vital word from the sentence.

Thank you! I know I will get through this, I've gotten through worse in my life! You're not supposed to regret are you? But I do regret marrying him without putting in more thought, even though we did attend pre-marriage classes!

He's not entirely to blame. He's supported me thus far. But we want different things, different lifestyles. I suppose that became truly apparent when I had dd, then he decided to settle down in this suburban life with his only ambition being to get a semi-detached. That's not me and never will be. Neither of us can alter who we are and to compromise would require too much sacrifice from one or the other.

I seriously don't see how we can make this work.

SG thank your dh for me. I'm sad to hear that but I know it's true. We've painful times ahead I think.

Just rememeber we are all here for you Rhubarb, whenever you need us.

sobernow, yes we could, but at a high cost! I don't think it's fair to take them thousands of miles from a father who loves them and who they love back. Also I'm struggling with them now there are 2 of us, I'd be struggling even more on my own! I live in the countryside, there aren't the resources here to help. Financially I'd be ok, but money means sweet fa to me. I couldn't do that to him or the kids.

I don't know what we do. His parents are due to visit next month for a weekend. Put up a brave front for them, then move back as planned. I'll still live in Cumbria and I don't know where he'll go. These are things to be sorted out. For now I'm suggesting a trial period of separation. Nothing is final.

ditto old bean x

Yes I know it does seem a bit backward. But if our marriage is to go belly-up then I will need friends behind me, and England is where they are. Then, when it is all over, I can decide what to do next.