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Original poster

Had sex and am feeling insecure and need a kick up the arse

44 replies

FreckledLeopard · 30/05/2013 10:08

So, I've been doing some casual internet dating since Christmas, not really looking for a relationship as such, more a way of meeting people, getting out of the house, getting to know the area (I moved here six months ago). I'm in the process of getting divorced from H (fairly ok, not too acrimonious now we're living in different cities).

Anyway, I was dating a particular guy, very casually, since just before Easter. I wasn't convinced that there was much chemistry, but we went out a few times, had a good time. He was doing more of the chasing, since I really didn't see anything happening. Anyway, after several months, having seen him a handful of times, we got closer, went out a bit more, kissed, hung out etc, culminating in me seeing him quite a bit more regularly over the past month and sleeping with him in the past week.

Sex was really good, he stayed over the night before last (DD was at her friend's house), we had a really nice time. We sent a few messages yesterday, BUT, there are no concrete plans of when we're next meeting up. I want him to text me, rather than me doing the running. I also want to know if we're in a relationship or if he's seeing other people (not sure that he is, but his profile is still on the dating website).

I always get like this - I feel vulnerable and want to regain control of the situation. It's not necessarily even about the guy - I've done this before with guys I've really not liked that much. It's about me and my self esteem, I know that. It's just hard to shake the feeling of anxiety. I hate not being in control of the situation and not knowing exactly what's going on.

Anyway, if you've got this far through my ramblings then I'm impressed Smile. Anyone with similar feelings or distracting anecdotes, please post!

OP posts:
CajaDeLaMemoria · 30/05/2013 10:13

Isn't he already doing all the running?

If he had to chase you originally, and you aren't giving him anything to go on, you may well be giving the impression that you aren't really interested, you just wanted sex or that you are game playing.

You'll feel a lot more aware and in control if you both contact each other, arrange things and basically just communicate equally. It's no wonder you feel lost whentyou've put the ball firmly in his court.

VanitasVanitatum · 30/05/2013 10:22

I've been seeing a guy since about the same time and I am avoiding sleeping with him because I know I'd be exactly the same. If I'm honest I know it's not going anywhere long term but I'd still like to sleep with him, I just know if I did I'd feel anxious and out of control if he wasn't in touch a lot/making plans/obviously wanting to be with me. I wish I could just relax and not be bothered, especially as there really isn't anything that amazing between us!

dustythedolphin · 30/05/2013 10:25

I would be the same, its the fact that you feel you have opened up emotionally to him now. Just stay confident, keep your calm, he is obviously mad about you :)

Original poster
FreckledLeopard · 30/05/2013 10:28

Thank you! It is the fact that I've let my guard down so to speak, and had a really nice night the other night. I'm fairly independent, used to being just me and DD, so to spend the night in someone's arms leaves my brain and body a bit confused! Damn the pheromones!

OP posts:
Lucylloyd13 · 30/05/2013 11:12

Firstly, relax, if it feels good fine, if it doesn?t, don?t.
I am intrigued by how long it took you to have sex. You tend to know fairly quickly if you want each other.
It strikes me that sex became an inevitable conclusion to a protracted friendship rather than an expression of passion between you. In itself sex is just sex, meaning nothing beyond the moment. The context is all. So are you seeking to provide a context which doesn?t exist ( a passionate attraction, the culmination of love and lust)? Or is this a turning point. Frankly, if it was the latter i would have expected you to be in bed together the following night too.
That doesn?t mean that you should not enjoy each other?s company, nor that future sex would be wrong.

niceupthedance · 30/05/2013 11:22

He's already contacted you after the event, so he's obviously interested. If you can't stand waiting then why don't you invite him on another date? I wouldn't mention the exclusive stuff unless you are face to face. Personally I would leave it for him to contact me but then I am no expert.

Original poster
FreckledLeopard · 30/05/2013 11:28

I guess with me I rarely feel physical attraction towards anyone, including my STBXH. I've wondered in the past if I'm asexual, but I have a fairly strong sex drive and enjoy sex. I just don't often feel 'attracted' to people as such.

The thing is, I don't really know exactly what I want relationship wise - validation I suppose. But I enjoy his company, like spending time with him etc, so guess a relationship isn't ruled out.

Ugh, I don't know. I hate this whole dating thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
FreckledLeopard · 30/05/2013 12:08

FFS! Caved in and sent a text about not a lot. Asked if he wanted to meet over weekend. Said he'll see how things pan out. Joy.

Honestly, what is wrong with me? Why do I now feel so utterly crap and rejected? It's not as if I was the one doing the chasing or wanting to go on dates with him. I really wasn't that bothered. Now that I've spent more time with him and had a nice night together, everything becomes totally skewed and I turn into a neurotic, paranoid mess if I don't get immediate validation. I know if he did come on strong, I'd then run a mile.

I think I will collect additional cats and become a mad old cat woman.

OP posts:
CajaDeLaMemoria · 30/05/2013 12:30

That's not caving!!!

Honestly, you are creating your own insecurity. It's natural to care.

He did the running for the dates. He won't continue doing it forever. It's give and take. If you didn't ever contact him, he'd think you weren't interested, and it'd die out.

There is no shame in texting him. There is no shame in enjoying your night, and wanting to repeat it. And there is no shame in finding men confusing and feeling neurotic. If there was, there wouldn't be so many 'ANALYSE HIS TEXTS PLEASE' websites, would there?

Stop beating yourself up and go on a cat hunt or something to take your mind off it. It's supposed to be hard. It's all worth it in the end.

unapologetic · 30/05/2013 13:07

I must say if he was keen he would be texting you & arranging to see you again (for more!) ASAP. What does see how it pans out mean? I would be hurt by that. Did he text after the event to say he enjoyed being with you? He doesn't sound very bothered. New relationships are really tricky aren't they?

Original poster
FreckledLeopard · 30/05/2013 13:12

When we slept together last week he was v keen, arranging for more meeting up, said he'd had a good time. This week seems to have brought about a U-turn. God knows what is supposed to 'pan out' over weekend.

Just feels a bit like a kick in the teeth. Oh well, I will back right off and distract myself by texting a fuck buddy for a no strings meet up

Dating really SUCKS.

OP posts:
niceupthedance · 30/05/2013 13:36

That's rubbish. Make sure you have other plans this weekend!

unapologetic · 30/05/2013 13:38

Just say, 'Your loss' and flounce off.

oopsadaisymaisy · 30/05/2013 13:50

Move on, definitely his loss. Dating is a minefield but don't give up. Eventually you'll meet the right one.

Original poster
FreckledLeopard · 30/05/2013 22:56

So tempted to send a text asking what's wrong. Feeling really miserable. I really thought he was a keeper Sad

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 30/05/2013 23:15

Don't send any more texts please! He's not that fussed and has not promised anything, don't now push it further otherwise he'll really tell you what is wrong- which is that he may be thinking twice about getting into a relationship. Call your friends fuck buddy, get a movie in and some popcorn, have a nice weekend, this guy doesn't sound very interested and nothing you do (increasing texts frantically) will change that.

Mumsyblouse · 30/05/2013 23:17

It is a shame though, and there's nothing wrong with feeling sad about it (just don't keep texting him, and if he texts you Sat for a leg over, tell him you are unavailable as you are in too deep for it to just be a trivial thing and you will get more hurt). If he texts with a proper time/date and it sounds nice, rethink at that time point.

CVSFootPowder · 30/05/2013 23:22

Dont text him. You will only feel worse. Listen to mumsy, great advice.

Original poster
FreckledLeopard · 30/05/2013 23:25

I've refrained. Am sexting fuck buddy instead....whilst watching Forrest Gump...

OP posts:
Bakingnovice · 30/05/2013 23:31

Well done. He's being a bit of an arse. You deserve someone who is begging to spend time with you.

Original poster
FreckledLeopard · 31/05/2013 15:39

Still nothing. Am desparately trying to make plans for the weekend, to keep occupied. But doesn't stop me looking at my phone every few minutes Sad. I just don't understand. Why the sudden U-turn? I wonder if may he saw my anti-Ds on the side and got freaked out or something. I just want an answer as to why the sudden radio silence after 4 months of being normal.

Feel like crying, which I know is pathetic. Am just so upset.

OP posts:
CVSFootPowder · 31/05/2013 15:46

Whatever you do, dont contact him. (I'm repeating myself).

If you want to cry, then cry, it's not pathetic, you're feeling hurt.

This is the worst part of this situation which seems to happen so often with guys. I dont want this to come over as man bashing but it seems like a lot of them just find it so easy to fuck off after we've had sex with them for the first time. I can't think of any of my female friends who've dumped someone after first time sex. ....
Last time this happened to me I was gutted for months and I let it knock my confidence. Looking back now the guy really wasn't worth it.

Nobody here can give you answers as to why this is happening, because we can't get inside his head, we can only speculate.
That said, I highly doubt it was seeing your AD's that's made him behave like this.

Dont contact him though. I guarantee you'll feel worse if you do.

Shinyshinyface · 31/05/2013 15:56

I deeply sympathise. Men can be total fuckwits. I've had a few completely baffling and upsetting incidents like this in the last few months and am pretty fed up.

In my experience, and believe me I have learned this the very very hard way, is to step away from the phone. There's nothing like a bit of radio silence to make a point/give you thinking space/salvage dignity/possible refocus their interest. Frequent bleating in the form of texts (talking about me here, not you)...not good.

Shinyshinyface · 31/05/2013 15:58

I missed out...in my experience blah blah the best thing is to step away from the phone.

hardbeingme · 31/05/2013 16:04

delete his number that way if he texts you, great, but if not you won't be tempted - its just a head fuck otherwise

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