Had sex and am feeling insecure and need a kick up the arse

[FreckledLeopard]

So, I've been doing some casual internet dating since Christmas, not really looking for a relationship as such, more a way of meeting people, getting out of the house, getting to know the area (I moved here six months ago). I'm in the process of getting divorced from H (fairly ok, not too acrimonious now we're living in different cities).

Anyway, I was dating a particular guy, very casually, since just before Easter. I wasn't convinced that there was much chemistry, but we went out a few times, had a good time. He was doing more of the chasing, since I really didn't see anything happening. Anyway, after several months, having seen him a handful of times, we got closer, went out a bit more, kissed, hung out etc, culminating in me seeing him quite a bit more regularly over the past month and sleeping with him in the past week.

Sex was really good, he stayed over the night before last (DD was at her friend's house), we had a really nice time. We sent a few messages yesterday, BUT, there are no concrete plans of when we're next meeting up. I want him to text me, rather than me doing the running. I also want to know if we're in a relationship or if he's seeing other people (not sure that he is, but his profile is still on the dating website).

I always get like this - I feel vulnerable and want to regain control of the situation. It's not necessarily even about the guy - I've done this before with guys I've really not liked that much. It's about me and my self esteem, I know that. It's just hard to shake the feeling of anxiety. I hate not being in control of the situation and not knowing exactly what's going on.

Anyway, if you've got this far through my ramblings then I'm impressed . Anyone with similar feelings or distracting anecdotes, please post!

Oh he sounds as if he was interested while you were unattainable. Aren't a lot of men like that? Flick him some virtual v's and make other plans. Do not text him!!!

I get exactly like this and currently am like this with someone im not really that bothered about which is ridiculous. I keep thinking that im older and wiser but then I become a pathetic over analysing loon.

Weirdest bit though was he was just as keen after we'd had sex the first time, he's just gone weird after the second occasion.

I have plans now for tomorrow - lunching with a friend. And hopefully stuff happening on Sunday too, so keeping busy.

I like the idea of deleting the number. But I also have him on facebook. Keep looking at his profile to see if he's updated his status. Nothing.

Fucking stupid fucking bollocksy dating. Honestly. It's just ridiculous. Why can't life be straight forward?

Didnt realise it was the second time. I think he may have found himself questioning the status of the relationshp, as you did, and he's decided to step away rather than continue.

Delete his number. Stay away from FB as long as it takes.
I think you probably will hear from him again but I hope by the time he gets round to it, you'll be strong enough to tell him to do one.

So in your first message you say you've been casual and not fussed and later on ' I really thought he was a keeper.'

I think you've picked up in the fact that he's cooled off and this has heightened your insecurity. Probably best not to have sex with the next one until you're sure ( well as sure as you can be ) that A it's going to lead to a relationship and B you could have the set on your terms.

I know you say you're not looking for a relationship but I don't believe you - I think you are. And there is nothing wrong with communicating that

You need to delete his number and move on. To text or call again would look desperate and you absolutely don't want that do you?

I know it feels shit but plenty more out there. Just play it differently next time

Oh and you don't need an answer. No answer is your answer. Don't force him to say what you already know. That's just you offering your self esteem up for another kicking.

Number is deleted, as are all his texts. Which makes me feel a bit better that at least I have the power to do that.

The whole relationship thing is something I'm not sure about. As I said at the beginning, it's more about me, than him. I want the validation from someone outside that they want to date me, whether or not I want to date them. So to get to this point, with him chasing, then suddenly going AWOL, makes me wonder what's wrong with me. I've felt like this over other guys who really weren't great or special in any way.

I guess I felt quite secure (until 2 days ago) in the knowledge that he seemed keener on me and that I was in control of the situation. Now I have no control, feel like the rug has been pulled from under my feet and feel like a complete twat for having felt secure in the first place.

I have a history of falling for totally unsuitable guys, which is why I made a conscious effort to try and go for more 'conventional' people, of whom this guy seemed to be one. Clearly my judgment is totally screwed up.

Well done for deleting, Leopard.

You do have control, by deleting his texts and his number, you have taken control.
Next time, wait until you are established though before you become facebook friends.

Howa re you doing now Leopard?

Well, he sent me a text (I had to go through all texts I'd sent via my latest online bill to check it was his number given I'd deleted him). Just a chatty text about looking forward to a pint as it's the end of the week etc. He's posting on Facebook about being happy it's the weekend (originality clearly his strong point). But nothing about meeting up so far. I've not suggested anything, am continuing to be aloof.

I have plans now for lunch with a friend tomorrow, plus stuff on Sunday too. So am keeping busy and distracted. Still wish I knew what the hell was going on.

But I feel more in control and less on edge. Thank god.

Well, nothing again today. Fed up. It's so nice and sunny - would be nice for him to come over for a drink.

Spoke to a friend who suggested sitting down with him and asking what the situation is. Problem being, to do that I need to get in touch.

Do I continue to ignore?

Ignore him. Keep your dignity and don't contact him.

Re-delete him from your phone, remove him from FB and take back control. He's not interested, just keeping his options open .

Brutally, i don't think he's that interested. He knows where you are and how to contact you, and every moment he's not sending you a text or calling you he is choosing not to.

Don't give him the chance to reject you. Have too much self respect for that. Keep busy doing your own stuff as you are and forget him. You weren't that fussed in the first place anyway! He hasn't gone up in value just by mucking around and not talking to you. He should be devalued, in your eyes, if you looked at it objectively.

His loss. Try not to feel too sorry for him when you're having hot hook ups with other people.

The thing is you're not actually very keen on him are you?

Yet it seems you'll only be happy if he feeps a level of passion & intesnsity you simply don't reciprocate.

Maybe you are asexual as you've suggested here & maybe you need to take some time out from dating to consider that possibility, just as you would need to if you thought you might be gay or bi. Even if you are, it doesn't mean you might not find a wonderful partner in the future, but it might mean your criteria change.

I don't think you should sit him down to ask what the situation is. Do just continue to make plans, keep busy and ignore.

You do know what's going on. He's cooled off because he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. I know that sounds harsh but it's a fact . Oh and it has happened to us all!

To try and get him to 'sit down with you and explain himself ' is bordering on scary and obsessive. This is about YOU not him. I would remove him from Facebook and just put him out of your mind. You obviously cannot deal with casual relationships so vow not to do this again for the sake of your mental well being

Please just leave him be and try and think rationally. Don't embarrass yourself by getting in touch.

He's just not that into you (and you're not that into him, you just liked having someone chasing after you).

If you are finding online dating this anxiety-provoking are you sure you want to keep doing it?