Why is she doing this? I'm just trying to make sense of it.

[EleanorHandbasket]

Sorry if this ends up long.

I have been a childminder for years and for the past 3yfs I've looked after my two nieces. It's not been without its problems, my sister has at times treated me like her sole employee, been very dictatorial about activities, mealtimes, sleep times, is always and I mean always late picking up. But on the whole we are friends and get on well and I thought we all had each others best interests at heart.

Recently I came to the hard decision to stop cming, due to lots of factors, the impact on my own children being a big one. I talked it over at length with both my sisters, my youngest sister is registering as a childminder and will be ready to take over with my nieces when I start my new job.
She was also going to have my ds2.

Then, out of the blue, dsis1 called me and said, 'we've discussed it and decided that having your dc as well is too much, so dsis2 will only have my girls and you need to look elsewhere for childcare'.

I was initially very hurt by this (not least because dsis2 was going to charge me the same family rates I've always charged dsis1 so it was a financial hit), but have moved onand found very good alternative care with a friend of mine who is a cm. She couldn't do one of the days a week that I needed, which is the day my dsis1 doesn't work, so dsis2 OFFERED to have ds2 on that day every week.

Anyway. All is progressing and I haven't started my new job yet so we're still carrying on as we are. Dsis2 let slip yesterday that dsis1 said to her, 'why are you having ds2 one day a week, that's a stupid idea, you need a day off, you don't want to be working 5 days a week, tell her you can't have him'.

Why? I really don't understand why she's doing this? Dsis2laughed in her face, by the way and even my mum ttold her to stfu.

This is alongside comments like, 'well of course you'll get this job, it's only a shit sales job, they'll give it to anyone' and, 'how are you going to cope with work when you haven't worked for years?' (I work a 60 hour cm week plus paperwork and it is HARD).

I have never been anything other than completely supportive of her. I've let things wash over me for years, I've bent over backwards to help her. She seems hell bent on actually making mu life harder

Uh twatphone. Seems hell bent on making my life harder and putting me down.

I do not get it. She isnt always toxic but seems to be really ramping it up over this.

welcome to the club. You've got a toxic sister, at the very least.

Why is the rest of the family letting her tell everyone else what to do?

You're not going to change her, so get some distance from her.

She liked you being "under" her. She could boss you around, tell you how to do things, all guised as doing the best for the kids. But noone micro manages their childminder. She was just chancing it.

Now you have dared to put your own life first she cannot believe it. She obviously knows your other DSis isnt going to take the same crap you did. Shes already told her to STFU. So shes making you feel like shit for it.

She sounds awful tbh. Good luck with your new job :)

Ignore ignore ignore. Rise above it and ignore.

I would have rung the other sister direct to discuss the change in childcare. Don't go through the "toxic sister", if she comes up with something like that, ring the other person direct and side step her. It'll make the sister think twice about pulling bullshit like that.

You wouldn't put up with this from a friend. Jut because she's your sister, doesn't give her the right to treat you this way.

She's trying to control everyone and she's one of those people that can only feel important if they make others feel small. I think they call it 'predatory self-esteem'. Wanting her children to be fixed up with a CM at the expense of yours is straightforward sharp-elbow, selfish behaviour. You said she was 'dictatorial' about how you did the job before, treated you less like an employee and more like a servant, and most other CMs would have told her to take a running jump long ago. As for being condescending about your new job, that's unacceptable and I don't see how you'd call someone like that a friend.

Suggest it's time to abandon the 'wash over' strategy, sharpen your own elbows, ramp up your assertiveness and join your DM and DSis in the 'STFU' approach. Enough's enough...

What wannabe said.

She no longer has e excuse of bossing you about, based on you minding her children, so now she's finding other reasons to try to control you.

Call her on it. It sounds like your mother and other sister would back you up.

Don't give her any power.
Ignore her and carry on with your own plans.

She sounds threatened by you, and very self centred.

And yes...she is used to controlling you, and wants this to continue.

I did talk it over with dsis2 and we all decided that I could go elsewhere (she would have had 4 under 5 at times so it actually would have been a very hard gig for a new CM), it was more the way it was presented to me as a fait accompli that hurt. There were other options that we could have worked out, both DNs go to nursery part time, DS2 could have, so we could have played about with days and hours and made it work. I have spent three years juggling hours and fitting it in for dsis1 (and not charging for the times they are at nursery), I stupidly assumed we could all work on the same basis.

I am starting to think that she is just toxic. She is the most self-oriented person I have ever met. She screamed and shouted at me when I put my (cheap) prices up by 5% after four years (two years of her using my service), but the day before had been vocally celebrating her huge payrise and bonus (this was unrelated to my price increase, just hilarious timing).

It is always excused as 'oh, we all know what she;s like, just let it wash over you, she doesn't mean anything by it'. But actually, now, it's not just words, she's actually working against my best interests and those of my children and I just don't get it.

It sounds like a power/control thing which I suppose is the thin end of a toxic wedge. It's awful when it's your sister because walking away from it is so much harder and there's the rest of the family to consider. You sound like you're being very reasonable about it.

Because she's nasty. Was she always like this?

Agree with others that it sounds like she enjoyed the element of power she had at the time she was the main source of your income, and by removing that power you've ruffled her feathers - so she's looking for other ways to have control.

But actually, while seeing her for what she is can't be at all nice for you, you do know what you're up against now. In some ways it's easier not being under any illusions.

Good luck with the new job.

Eleanor, did you post a reverse AIBU a year or two ago about this sister? Is this the one who expects you to have the girls out of the house, in their coats, on the dot waiting for her? And you have to take your car seat out of the car and put her approved one in? And she rings you in the evening for progress reports? And and and and and?

Yes . God, I'd forgotten the car seat thing. She stopped wanting them ready after a while because she started getting later and later and later.

That WAS you! I was just thinking about that thread the other day, and specifically the way that you made a very convincing OP, because you could clearly see her side of things, if you see what I mean. My lord, that woman's utterly bonkers.

Anyway, I think the answer to your asked question is: because she is envious of you in some way. Even if it's not obvious to you why or how. And the answer to your unasked question is: you put a distance between you. Stop trusting her, stop confiding in her, accept that she is not your friend.

I have no practical advice for you. My sister is similarly as toxic though the only kids are mine at the moment. She hates that people dont say how high when she says jump. You have my sympathies.

Oh, and I am forever getting the 'you know how she is, its just her way' crap from family members. I don't talk to her any more, my 2yo is more reasonable than she is, and DD is a complete bossy boots too

What a cow!

I relate to not knowing what to do with yourself when faced with someone like this - particularly as you've been thinking all along that, underneath her despotic ways, she actually cares about you - and at least has enough self-awareness to rein in her excesses. It's a big shock to realise that no such thing is going on at all, and she intends to steamroller through you with zero accountability.

Looks like you're going to be punished for not doing precisely what she ordered (a narc characteristic, unfortunately ). Big headfuck, I sympathise. It throws up allsorts of difficulties re: how do you deal with family life from now on in? HOw do you contort your brain to allow for this. And wtf do you do about it! It's not exactly easy to ramp up the gears from 0-60 on a sixpence.

Being at home, even if you were working (hard, by the sound of it!) can make us soft (iyswim) - it is a soft environment. Perhaps when you get back into work outside the home you'll be back in the dog-eat-dog work environment and you'll sharpen up to deal with this little madam.

DH says that because I always put others first (I'm no saint, just a bit of a pushover) that I expect other people to think of me, and when they dont' I get hurt. He's a fine one to talk though as he is even worse than me for putting himself out for others...

I am really struggling with feelings of guilt over chasing a career, it's at the expense of my DC (they will be in childcare), I am having to give my clients notice, DH will have to do more at home.

But the other side of that (that I have to keep reminding myself of) is that the DC really suffer with me CMing, their space is totally invaded, they get the rag end of me after being around other people's children all day every day, my clients were (other than Dsis1) leaving me in September anyway, DH is very keen to come home to just his children and sort out their tea/homework/evening in relative peace.

Anyway (rambling slightly) my sister keeps saying things like, 'I think you're mad, DS2 is only 20mo, you shoudl stay at home while he's young if you can', 'I don't think you'll cope with working, it's really hard'. I know this is all tied up in her own feelings about having to be a wohm (she is the main earner) and I just think, that's not supportive at all, why would you keep banging on like that?

It's funny, but after everything, it's this last comment to dsis2 about having my DS2 that has stung the most.

So really I just need to man the fuck up and stop analysing why she's being like this, and just accept that she is.

Acknowledge rather than accept, perhaps. :) Acceptance implies a 'live and let live' approach and I don't think that's where you're headed. If you want to see something positive in this it's that, as you develop your career you're going to meet people who are more conniving, more demanding and more difficult than your sister. So how you deal with her from now on is a kind of crash course in assertiveness.

Use it wisely grasshopper....

Thank you.

Eleanor I bet she doesn't want you working outside the home (although obviously you've been working for years! I couldn't be a CM, kudos to you and your ilk) because that's her turf. She's jealous of you, and tells herself well at least she has a real job, etc., so you going outside the home is threatening.

Is the job a REA? or has my spreadsheet failed me

She is jealous that you are getting a different job and will no longer be her employee.

Look, LOTS of people think their DCs are so wonderful they imagine that people are clamouring to look after them, heck, will look after them for FREE just to have the pleasure of their company.

That is what is behind all those "freeloading neighbour," and "my MIL won't babysit more than 3 times a week" threads on AIBU, I'm convinced of it. Some people genuinely believed that their kids are so bloody fantastic, and cute, and good-mannered, and clever, that everyone is fighting to give up their time to look after them for them [usually for free].

Your sister thought you were looking after her kids because they are so great that seeing them at family Sunday lunches just wasn't enough for you. You just had to become a childminder so that you could see more of them, cos they're just so adorable. She couldn't quite work out why you wanted to be paid as well, shouldn't their mere presence lighting up your home be enough? Hence her shock and incomprehension when you put the price up.

Now you have got a new job she sees it as a massive rejection of her DCs and is furious with you.

Eleanor, I have 4 sisters and one of them is definitely a bit odd toxic. And everyone tells me that it's down to jealousy, but it really hurts doesn't it??

Mine waited for me to announce my long-awaited engagement (didn't meet DH until I was 30 and got engaged when I was 33) and then announced hers the week after (she was only 20 at the time) to a man she'd been with for 6 weeks - who she didn't and still doesn't even particularly like and then arranged her wedding for 4 months before mine.

I was the last one of the 4 of us to get married and to soften the blow even my Dad (who is so lovely) whispered to me on my wedding day, 'don't worry Katniss, we saved the best to last'. Bless him!

She has done similar things eversince. But I have to come to the conclusion that she's incredibly unhappy and I just feel sorry for her now and try to let it all wash over me. Hard as it is sometimes.

You must do the same though, feel sorry for her, she clearly envies you.