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Original poster

is it me or him

39 replies

oopsadaisymaisy · 30/05/2013 01:05

I've been chatting to a guy OD, only for 2 days. We've been texting all day today. He asked me what kind of guy I go for and I said I wasn't sure but he would have to be confident because I'm bossy. I meant it in a light hearted way. I also said that I had limited time because I was a single parent. He said I was trying to put him off and the reason he was interested in me was because I stated on my profile I was looking for a relationship. He asked if he was wasting his time. I don't want to sabotage but this has made me feel a bit uncomfortable. My view is that we should just take it easy and wait until we meet to see if we like each other. I'm tempted to cancel our coffee date now. Do you think I'm being over sensitive?

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 30/05/2013 01:13

No harm in a coffee date, but as a single parent you'll have to give some thought to how a new relationship would work - do you have readily-available babysitters, will you be able to spend weekend days with a boyfriend, etc. in a way it's good that he's asking these questions, but also be aware that for him 'relationship' might mean 'up for sex early on' . Coffee dates are a good way to size each other up!

badblueeyeliner · 30/05/2013 01:14

You haven't even met and are already on the relationship boards - doesn't bode well does it?!

Meet for the coffee, see how he is. He does sound a bit Twatty though. Have fun and report back!

Original poster
oopsadaisymaisy · 30/05/2013 01:21

Yes, I think he seems a bit intense. I like that he's looking for a relationship but one thing at a time. We haven't even met yet and he wants to know if he's wasting his time. I feel a bit pressured and don't like that but I think I should keep an open mind.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 30/05/2013 01:30

Hmm....anyone who is obsessing over wasting his time after chatting online for 2 days is going to be very very hard work in real life. What if you dont answer his texts straight away, or cancel a date? Can you imagine what he would be like when you put your child first?

I wouldnt bother with this one tbh, chuck him back!

Original poster
oopsadaisymaisy · 30/05/2013 01:42

Bogey I have to confess I feel like he's hard work already. What should I say to him though. I don't want to be rude and just block him.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 30/05/2013 01:52

"Hi, It's been nice talking to you but I feel that we are seeking different things from a relationship, I dont think that I am quite what you are looking for!

I wish you well

Oops"

Original poster
oopsadaisymaisy · 30/05/2013 01:54

And then swiftly block.. :) I'm such a scaredy cat.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 30/05/2013 02:17

No, wait for the stroppy reply before you block so it confirms your suspicions, otherwise you will be wondering if you did the right thing!

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 30/05/2013 02:21

Oh, blimey, hard work indeed. You don't owe him anything. He's already been rude. Just say what Bogey said to say, she's always right.

Snazzywaitingforsummer · 30/05/2013 08:01

'I wouldn't want to feel I was wasting your precious time so if you're worried about that maybe we should just forget it'

Then he will either take the out, or backtrack and say he doesn't want to be hasty. I suspect his hoped for response was for you to say 'Oh I'm not really bossy or demanding, don't worry, I'll pay loads of attention to YOU, big man..'

cory · 30/05/2013 10:21

So after two days of online chatting he holds you responsible for providing what he wants so as not to waste his time. Hmm

What about wasting your time if you find out he isn't actually very nice? Does that worry him at all? Of course, it's all about him and everything he is owed.

Original poster
oopsadaisymaisy · 30/05/2013 10:33

He's already text me this morning and I bottled out of saying anything. I'm such a coward.

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 30/05/2013 11:49

He's wasting his own time and yours by being so entitled. Avoid him. Thanks for your interest but we're not looking for the same things. Block.

CorrStagnitto · 30/05/2013 11:52

get rid, he sounds far to needy

MadBusLady · 30/05/2013 11:54

This is why I don't think it's a great idea to chat online too much before the first date. All the usual problems with text communication are doubled because you don't know what each other's normal tone is like, and misunderstandings mount up quickly. Actually, if I'd received "I need someone confident because I'm quite bossy" I wouldn't have known how to take that. It could be deadly serious (and thus seriously offputting!)

Think I'd probably still go for coffee on the offchance it was a total misunderstanding and you could reset and start again. But be alert for entitlement etc.

BreasticlesNTesticles · 30/05/2013 11:56

Sounds as though he wants a relationship and will bend you into what he wants in a relationship imo.

MadBusLady · 30/05/2013 11:56

(But then I wouldn't have asked such a damn fool question as "What are you looking for in a woman?" in the first place. What is that, banter? Groundwork? What are you supposed to say to something like that?)

Lovingfreedom · 30/05/2013 12:07

Some guys think OD is like picking from a catalogue. If they like the look of you and you say you are looking for a relationship then they just have to get in touch and put in their order.

Whocansay · 30/05/2013 12:11

It sounds to me like you were just being honest with him. He sounds as if he's upset you may not be able to give him 100% of your attention 24/7! He sounds like hard work before you've even begun a relationship.

Ditch and move on. Life's too short.

CorrStagnitto · 30/05/2013 12:14

i dont think its a stupid question to ask, ive had loads of men OD ask me what im looking for in a man, whats stupid about that?

MadBusLady · 30/05/2013 12:24

Because either you have to treat it as banter and say something flattering and specific to them (or jokily opposite to them), or take it seriously and say something that's going to set a pattern of expectation from the first coffee - and they might be totally right or wrong for you in ways you could never have predicted. I could set out half a dozen criteria about interests, attitude, plans for the future etc and the guy who meets them could still turn out to be a cokehead, in which case my criteria are meaningless because I've omitted the vital "not a cokehead". Or you could take refuge in generalities and that doesn't seem helpful either. It just seems like a lot of pressure to put on someone who hasn't actually looked you in the eye and got the measure of you yet.

I think it's a bit different asking "What are you looking for in a relationship?" after you've actually met.

MadBusLady · 30/05/2013 12:27

(Have to say I've not done online dating though, so I'm probably wrong. I just can't imagine having a very good answer for that question. "I'll know it when I see it"??)

Lovingfreedom · 30/05/2013 12:29

I think it was the guy who asked what kind of guy she goes for....then took offense when she told him

MadBusLady · 30/05/2013 12:40

I know it was the guy, I was just changing the gender as if for me.

But yeah, I think the fact that he took offence on being told is part of why it's a silly question. Maybe the OP was meant to do banter or something? It's just a difficult one to parse before you've actually met and established a rapport.

Slumberparty · 30/05/2013 12:58

I think just go for a coffee. You'll know then within 10 minutes if he's worth more of your time or not. Too much texting and emailing before meeting is always a bad idea when OD in my experience.