This Hurts

[ThisHurts]

I've just re-registered with MN in order to start this thread. Was a member until I flounced last year, but have been lurking. And now, I just have to write this down, try to make sense of this mess I've got myself into.

I have been married to a wonderful man for 10 years. I am early 30s, he is early 50s. We have 2 children, ages 3 and 8. He is kind, thoughtful, caring, and I am lucky to have him. In a way.
But in my heart, I know that he doesn't love me any more. We never argue, we get along, but, for many years, he has become cold towards me, sexually. I have a healthy sexual appetite, but over and over I've tried to reach for him in bed, just reached out to touch him and he's turned away. We've probably had sex about 5 times in the almost four years since DC2 was born (and it wasn't much before that.) Since our first months together, he hasn't initiated sex. I burn with humiliation every time I'm rejected. It is a horrible, horrible feeling.
Every eight months or so, I have sat with him and said, "I love you very very much, and I want to be with you, but I can't be without affection for the rest of my life. The constant rejection is breaking my heart. If you want to spice things up in any way, I will do it. But I can't go on this way. We will not survive if things remain like this." He says he has no sexual appetite, still loves me etc etc. Swears blind there's no-one else (which I believe, though wives always say that on here...) Last time we had this conversation was in January. He said he was going to visit the GP to ask about loss of sexual appetite to try and "save us."

He hasn't been. This just tells me that he doesn't care enough to try.

I have started to distance myself emotionally from him as a result of this. I got so bloody upset every time I was rejected by this man I adore, that I knew that it would break me if I let it hurt me time after time, and I feel like I had to make myself cold. So we sleep apart, and there is a definite feeling that we have just lost the connection. We hardly spend any time together. We don't enjoy each other any more.

I had a vague plan that, once my (new but flourishing) career made it financially possible, I would move out. I never thought I'd want anyone else, preferring my own company. But recently, I've met someone else though my work. This man is completely the wrong guy for me- We would never work as a couple. We haven't had any sexual contact, but we have kissed, and (this sounds pathetic) we GET each other. And... Well... We love each other. Because of the hopelessness of our situation, we've agreed to keep apart, and only be in touch if work calls for it. This is so fucking hard. I have felt so alone and lonely and unlovable for so many years, and though I know it's what is right, I feel utterly bereft that I have to be faithful and loyal to a man who doesn't want me. OM and I cried fucking buckets saying goodbye to each other- There has never been a connection like this before in either of our lives.

If I had the money, I would go. Not to OM. I would just go. But I can't, and I'm stuck with someone who doesn't care, and who feels duty bound by marriage and children to be with me. I feel guilty for the OM and for the way I've fallen so completely for him, but the sorrow at being in this situation feels like I'm slipping below the water line.

Being consistently sexually rejected by the person you love is heartbreaking, I really sympathise, it's awful.

"I feel utterly bereft that I have to be faithful and loyal to a man who doesn't want me. " but that's bollocks, you don't have to be anything...don't do that pathetic of acting like your life and choices are not your own.

"If I had the money, I would go" you can go, perhaps what you mean is when you weigh up staying in an unhappy marriage against being free but financially much worse off then you err on the side of staying.

That's fine, but take ownership of that decision. The whole woe is me schtick is pointless, nobody is going to give you a badge.

Your husband has taken the decision not to have sex with you, you have taken the decision to stay. That's where you are.

Leaving isn't easy, but your life now doesn't sound a happy one.

Thanks for answering. I'm moved to tears that you haven't immediately told me I'm a selfish cow and should appreciate all I have.
My income isn't sufficient to support a home, and I'm not qualified enough to get a job that would pay well enough. How do people manage financially after a split?

You don't have to be faithful and loyal. You could have an affair, but clearly that isn't a great choice so why not a trial separation? It might prompt your husband to realise what he is losing, it might not though so be prepared for that, equally it might make you realise there is no ,marriage an more and you divorce. Don't rush into anything with OM and definitely don't go near if he is married.

I stayed in a sexless marriage with an EA H, I stayed because we had a nice house, a nice 'life', I thought that the DC's wanted things to stay the same. Wrong.

The day after one of his EA outbursts my DD said "mum, why don't you just leave him, me and DS don't mind, we'll live anywhere, we've talked about it".

Talk about a Light Bulb Moment. That was mine. I changed from that moment. And as it happened he didn't much like the changes so buggered off.

OM not married.

My husband is not EA in any way: He is lovely. He's supported me through a new career which means me going away for weekends whilst he babysits. He is a bloody lovely, fantastic man, but he just doesn't love me. And I have had to freeze my feelings for him because they were so constantly pounded by his rejection of me.

Thishurts - I left almost 5 years ago, I loved him very much but his almost non-existent libido (and refusal to address it) had left me feeling utterly hideous, I was 29 and felt like an old woman.

I had nothing, house was in his name, we were not married and I'd been a sahm for years. I was a long way away from my family (left to be with him) and couldn't go back without massively affecting his ability to see dc.

I still left. It's been a slog and I'm still paying off the debt. I had to rely on benefits at the start, had literally nobody to support me, it was demoralising and so many times I was tempted to give up and go back.

I'm now very happy, very independent, am exactly where I've dreamed of being in my career, DS is happy, ex is a wonderful father. Life is good, and that's because I gritted my teeth and pushed on.

It was not easy, far from it, but it was possible. It just depends whether you want to leave enough to go through the reality of it.

I'm not saying this to say you should leave, but if you genuinely believe you can't for financial reasons then I think you need to be more honest with yourself. (Btw, staying because the impact (financial or otherwise) seems intolerable to you is really ok, just be honest with yourself).

Hi make a choice thats makes you HAPPY life is short . Leave and stay with om for a short while untill you can get yourself sorted. It sounds to me like you stay because you feel guilt about going and leaving your good kind husband. But he has made his choice to live without sex or affection does he feel guilt about the impact of his choice on you. If the answer to that is no then you have all the info you could need about what you should do.

My income isn't sufficient to run a home, either.

When I left my ex I was working 20 hours a week on less than I earned in my 20's.

My income is topped up with tax credits and maintenance for DC.

Since we split I have increased my hours and worked hard for promotions and payrises, so things are getting easier.

Have you actually sought advice on your financial situation from solicitor / CAB / online calculators?

It's usually doable.

"My husband is not EA in any way: He is lovely. He's supported me through a new career which means me going away for weekends whilst he babysits. He is a bloody lovely, fantastic man, but he just doesn't love me. And I have had to freeze my feelings for him because they were so constantly pounded by his rejection of me."

I could've written that, word for word. In fact just reading it I felt that horrible ache in the pit of my stomach that was almost permanent toward the end.

Thank you all for being so honest and kind. You've made me cry. I can't believe that I'm in this situation.
TBH I know that I need to grow a pair. I can do nothing more to make DH love me again, and if I stay, I will still be here in 10 years and it'll be ten years wasted.
I have never even considered that with benefits etc it would be possible to survive. I think until I met OM I just thought that I might as well stick around for the sake of the kids, since I wasn't interested in being with someone else anyway. But now, even though I have no expectations of OM, it's just made me realize how bad things are at home.

McBalls Your situation sounds EXACTLY like mine. I am far from friends and family, but if DC and I moved back there, we'd be 2 hours away from DH, and it would break his heart. He's a fantastic father. Did you move back to your family or stay close to where your xDH lives?

No, I stayed local to ex. I'm glad I did because DS has a wonderful and close relationship with his dad.

Relying on benefits is far from easy but as a starting point it makes it possible to leave. CAB are very good for advising when you can't see the wood for the trees. Tbh I didn't realise just how hard it would be and in a way I think that helped, I just took one step at a time.

Thank you so much. I think I'll have to call time on my marriage, because as painful as it will be, the alternative is unthinkable.

With holding sex and affection is considered to be a form of emotional abuse, all things being equal.

Why is OM so unsuitable?

Have you thought about telling your husband about the OM in case this galvanises him into taking some action to save your marriage?

Or is too late for that?

That is something I know I'll have to face AnyFucker though it is really difficult as he's always been so kind. I've thought a lot about this recently, and just writing it down on here makes me think that there has been a certain unkindness to the way I'm treated by him.

badinage I am mulling over that one. On one hand, I want him to know how desperate things have become, but on the other, I think it's pointless. It would be his excuse as to why the marriage broke up, and he'd forget all the years of humiliation I've felt before OM.

Why is OM unsuitable? He's a lot lot older. He lives far away. We work together. But the age thing is the biggest obstacle, together with his health problems. When we talked about the possibility of a future, he pointed out that it would be a few years together, then he would probably be gone. "I would do it, but I can't ask you to." :(

We've decided to separate. My heart is breaking. :(

Oh love, no wise words just here to hold your hand. What happened?

He may be a great dad but he is a crap husband who has broken his marriage vows. Don't see yourself as a selfish cow. He broke your marriage up by not addressing this fundamental issue. Husbands & wives are not just friends or brothers and sisters they are lovers. It makes me cross when I hear these stories. Fair enough if both people are happy with a sexless marriage but if not it's EA. Just because you are leaving your marriage does not mean you are responsible. He is responsible & make sure you tell him and your solicitor that that is the case. All the best for the future for you & your DC, you are doing the right thing!

I haven't cried at all until I read this. :(
The thing is, he is a lovely, lovely man. Honestly. He accepts that he is at fault for not sorting out the physical side when I told him I was unhappy. He is taking it all on his own shoulders, and whilst he is partly responsible, so am I. I have changed so much since we first got married, I'm not who I was at all.
I have faith the children will be okay (although that sometimes wobbles- My eldest is so sensitive) but I don't want to hurt my husband. It's just that when I think of going on like this, I see my life wasted.

Of course you've changed since you married - you were 22 when you first met, weren't you? My daughter is around that age and I'd be flabbergasted if she were the same at 32. Those ten years from 20-30 are when we change the most, in my opinion. Of course he hadn't changed because he was already 40 when he met you.

He has been incredibly unfair and immature in the way he dealt with your sex life. He's not just at fault for not seeking medical help, he's at fault for rejecting you so thoroughly.

Thank you for saying that, Imperial (though I find it hard to read because I do love him)- I feel like this separation is all on me, as I was the one who said "enough!" But the truth is, I've been pushed into a corner.

You have no choice. He has consistently rejected you. Now, if you finish with him, you will be rejecting him and he's upset? He needs to absolutely get it that every time he rejected you he was hurting you.

Thank you- You're absolutely right, of course. He said he absolutely didn't want to separate, and I said "But what will be different? What will make this conversation different to all those in the past where I've told you I'm not happy?" He couldn't answer.

One thing you've got to change, though, is the way you refer to him babysitting. These are his children, aren't they? Do you see yourself as a babysitter? He's not doing you a favour when he looks after his own children!

I think you'll have a tough time now but in a year or so you will feel fantastic. You're lucky he's generally a nice man, because you shouldn't have any of the crap that a lot of women have to put up with. You'll soon be ready for a relationship that involves affection as well as the friendship you're getting now. Just keep your eyes on the middle distance!

Absolutely right about babysitting. That's not correct, and nor is it fair on him- He doesn't see it that way. He's a great Dad and the boys adore him, quite rightly.
I absolutely know in my heart that I have to do this. I just imagined that things would have to be awful for me to want to split up, and they're not awful, just unfulfilling. And the truth is, if we went on another year, it might well turn out worse- We may end up hating each other if we stay in this stagnant relationship.