how the hell do I cope with this emotional overload?

[theundertoad]

Didn't know whether to post this in mental health or in relationships because I actually feel like I?m going insane. Have been reading up on the term ?limerence? (learned on here ? thanks for whoever taught me that!) and that is 100% what state I am in right now.
Met up with an old friend ? we always had a bit of a thing for each other but were never in the right place at the right time kind of thing so never got it together although we both would have liked to. Since growing up a bit and moving on, we?ve always occasionally bumped into each other, as we did recently ? this time we were both without our partners. Nothing happened apart from flirting, although we both had to hold ourselves back ? I know from our conversation that this is a mutual feeling. The none insane part of my brain does not want anything to happen ? we?ve both got far to much to lose and too many people to hurt?but the insane part is desperate for us to come up with some way of being together, even just temporarily. AAARGH! why can?t I switch my feelings off. It?s affecting everything I?m like a bloody lovesick loon. It?s making me think my partner is not right for me, that I?m somehow living the wrong life etc etc. So bloody painful.

Hi there. I have just read up on 'limerance' on wikipedia, which makes very interesting reading. A summary of this could be termed "Limerence is being high on love. This condition makes people believe that they have found their soulmate.Usually followed by a crashing blow - the manic becomes depressive".

In which case I would advise that you don't take it any further - it will only cause untold heartache. And I have been there.

Good luck and please make the right choice.

Hello, just writing in to sympathise really, I am in a very similar situation right now.... Only he is now single, and I am in a trial separation.... It is agony. The only thing that is keeping me sane is that I know if I don't see him for a while the feelings will fade. The trouble is that when we do next see each other nothing will have moved on. I have come to the conclusion that we need to talk it out at some point, acknowledge our feelings and then maybe develop our friendship. Trouble is I am convinced we were made for each other!

I don't know about 'limerence'... I just think you're having a serious crush or affair, albeit an emotional one. You can't switch feelings like that off, but as with every other emotional impulse in life, you have to exercise judgement, self-control and a certain amount of rationality in how you act.

If you have a partner, that's the place to start. Make a decision either to commit to your long-term relationship or to end it. There's no middle-ground. This is a zero-sum game. If you can't commit to your partner, don't want to resolve any problems, and you stick around for the wrong reasons that's being dishonest and also rather cruel. If you commit to staying in the long-term relationship, however tough it might be, you have to completely drop the old flame. I don't know how you bump into this person but presumably you can avoid being places where they are likely to be, for example

Finally, be aware that if you launched yourself on the world partner-free, your OM/OW might run a mile and it's not the happy ever after you're currently anticipating.

I like you Cogito. You've given the OP great advice. My boyfriend was just like you, OP. And he has acted on it. I found out last week and it has caused no end of pain. Please don't do it.

and and OP - you're thinking your partner is not right for you because you are trying to justify being with this other man. Its amazing what we tell ourselves to justify getting what we want.

Thank you so much everyone for the replies. It?s so helpful being able to talk about this as obviously I can?t really go to anyone in RL.

It helps me to put the label limerence on it as I can try to understand it as a brain chemical/addiction type thing which I know my rational self can overcome ? rather than it being some kind of ?soulmate? or ?fate? situation? do you see what I mean?

I?m not going to do anything ? I couldn?t do that to DP or to DS and the OM is also in the same situation. I do want to be with DP there?s no way I want to give my life up on a whim. My mum had an affair when I was younger, for several years and it tore our family apart. I?ve also seen my brother do exactly the same thing recently although thankfully no children involved. Anyway ? point being I am not prepared to put anyone through all of that for my own selfish reasons (and I totally take your point that OM could more than likely run a mile if he thought I was so serious! I am also not under any illusions that it would be happy ever after ? it would be awful carrying around guilt and would never work?)
We have exchanged a couple of emails which feels unfaithful enough! Nothing racy or flirty but we have agreed to cut contact now? so I know I?ve done the right thing.

I just feel so shit ? I actually feel like I have just ended a relationship even though it hadn?t even begun! I feel very weepy etc and can?t get it off my mind, can?t concentrate ? it?s pathetic.. And I feel so bad for DP as he has absolutely no idea my thoughts have been so unfaithful to him?.

Does this ring some bells OP??

re love addiction (often part of sex addiction, though not necessarily).

SALAA

I went through similar things back in the day. the pain is UNBELIEVABLE. You have my sympathy. It's much more than a crush....

"It helps me to put the label limerence on it....."

Infatuation, obsession, a crush, a fantasy... .all of these labels are a long, long way from daft ideas of 'soul mates' or 'fate'.

Of course you could always scratch the itch in a 'ships that pass in the night' deal. One night of passion, never repeated and never confessed to can be quite enlivening as long as you're able to treat it as such and walk away without a backward glance. But I don't think you're in a good enough place to do that successfully so I don't recommend it.

Luckily thoughts have always been and will always be private. Glad you've dropped contact.

Thanks for understanding Springy ? it helps massively to know I?m not the only one whose ever felt like this!!!

And cogito ? you?re right ? a ?ships in the night? scenario would not work for me, the way I feel right now, so I won?t kid myself!

Ah, well. Back to the humdrum for me.

On the plus side I feel really horny so might as well try and rekindle a bit of a spark at home!

There you go... use your OM experience positively as spark for the home-fires. Being married doesn't mean you lose the ability to fancy other people and, in context and in control, it can be a great thing - keeps you young. Just don't watch 'Brief Encounter' any time soon.

It's funny how these things happen. How long ago did you see him? I had a crippling crush on someone after a dream I had about them. Blushing/garbling/achingly strong feelings of 'we're meant to be together'...The feelings lasted full-on for about two weeks. Now I can't believe it.

Hopefully it will pass just as quickly for you - I know it's horrible but if you act on it, it won't go away x

In same boat,OP. saw my friend for the first time in 18 months, hes been working abroad. hes been constantly on my mind for the past 4 years. neither of us have ever acted on it, thank goodness. Am so glad i saw him, but at the same time, its absolutely floored me.

Is it spring? EVERYONE I see has a crush ATM! A workmates has just spent all day talking about hers, received an email from another friend about hers, and then there's a few of us on here.

Op well done for cutting contact... A hard thing to do, and I hope the pain subsides soon. Also thank you for sharing the concept of limerence with us, I have found it most helpful to read the psychologist's description of it, and realize that there is a pattern to it .it can feel very lonely, as there is some doubt about reciprocation, however, knowing that thousands of people feel the same feelings helps.

I have agreed with mine that as we saw each other recently for the 1st time in more than 15 years, we can wait until a good time to talk it out....limerence feeds on doubt, so hopefully once we have got our feelings and desires for the future out in the open, we will be able to be friends for life. And not have that floored experience that cakebitch describes, any time I see him in the future!

Ha! Yes, Spring must definitely be in the air. We need a support group ?Pathetic crushes on unobtainable men? or something similar!

I do feel floored. That is a good description. And after seeing him at the weekend I still feel all over the shop so no sign of subsiding for me apart from I fear I am slipping into depressed mode now. Doesn?t help that DP is being a right moody bugger at home as well.

Honestly feel like banging my head into a wall several times to see if that will help?

I am so sorry the feelings are not quite subsiding for you yet. It is not quite a week yet, and I think once you have killed the uncertainty which the limerence feeds on, you need to give yourself 2 weeks minimum to let the emotional state subside. I have now floated into 'fuck the lot of them, I don't need a man' phase, which I'm afraid is slightly manic. In my heart I know me and my dp are parting for good... But another man was not what I was looking for at this stage. I am still having the involuntary thoughts.... But just trying to chase them away when they come with the imagined conversation where he definitively kills the flame.

More definitively than 'I'll not get serious ever again with anyone who already has kids because I don't want to end up with 4 broken hearts' I don't know really.

Are you still having involuntary thoughts?

yes! i am still having stupid involuntary thoughts! and now i'm drunk... which isn't great tbh but hopefully be able to sleep better at least!

I found it so helpful to have it described as involuntary..... I had just thought I was weak.

My journey out of it is still goin up and down though. We had a normal Facebook convo.... But after saying goodnight, he sent me a kiss a minute after..... What does that mean? It means I am analyzing every detail still! Argh!

Your mother cheated. Your brother cheated. You, at most, emotionally cheated.

Cheating isn't hereditary, I know, but I do wonder if its a learned habit.

Involuntary is just another way of saying 'impulsive' and everyone has irrational impulses on a daily basis. I think it's a personality trait rather than a learned habit to be impulsive or a risk-taker in the first place. The learned part comes in the form of the judgement, self-restraint and conscience required to rein in those impulses.

Cogito, have you read the article on limerence yet? I do recommend it. Here's the link

limerence on wiki

In my experience the following has helped:

Acknowledge your feelings - don't try and repress them or deny them and acknowledge the "stupid irrational thoughts" that come into your head and don't beat yourself up about them either - they happen to everyone!
BUT
Also - don't allow yourself to fantasise or develop the thoughts either. Tell yourself. "I am having thought/feeling x y z but this is a no through road - it can't go anywhere positive - He's not available, I'm not available. I'm not going down this road." Then deliberately think about/do something different.

Don't allow yourself to have flirty conversations on Facebook or anywhere else especially when drunk. If he sends something like a x, don't waste time thinking what it means - whatever it "means" you aren't going to develop things further. Have a rule that you will not respond immediately to any message, but only the next day and then respond using normal language you would use for any friend.

DON'T arrange to meet up. - Just DON'T OK!

Keep telling yourself "This is not a road I'm going to go down. I'm not going to waste energy or time thinking about this and getting wound up.

If you have a trusted friend who will keep a confidence and hold you to account it can sometimes be helpful to confide in them - but do it in such a way that they know you are talking for accountabilities sake, not for an indulgent gossip about your feelings/discussion about how "he" has responded to you etc.

In my experience the feelings will diminish - though it may take a few months even.

If you'd rather be together the decent thing would be to both leave your OH first.

No matter how much you feel for a person outside of your relationship respect for your partner should be paramount. If you're not planning on leaving I'd stay well clear of Mr temptation.

I so feel your pain as I'm going through this at the moment.

Been having a 'thing' with a work colleague for a few months and it got physical (not sex) six days ago. I've been off work with the dc this week as it's half term and haven't heard a thing from the guy.

I've no idea if the physical encounter has put a stop to things in his mind. I can't think straight, I've no interest doing anything, I can't eat properly, I'm having to try and keep busy to get through the long days,
I check my phone every few minutes.

It's absolute agony not hearing from him. I've no idea if he feels the same way or even if I've entered his thoughts since last weekend. I daren't contact him as I don't want to appear needy - which I'm not, I just want to know that we're still ok.

We're both married with children. I am happily married and have no intention of leaving my husband, to be perfectly honest having the other guy's attention has made things better with my husband which is odd.