how the hell do I cope with this emotional overload?

[theundertoad]

Didn't know whether to post this in mental health or in relationships because I actually feel like I?m going insane. Have been reading up on the term ?limerence? (learned on here ? thanks for whoever taught me that!) and that is 100% what state I am in right now.
Met up with an old friend ? we always had a bit of a thing for each other but were never in the right place at the right time kind of thing so never got it together although we both would have liked to. Since growing up a bit and moving on, we?ve always occasionally bumped into each other, as we did recently ? this time we were both without our partners. Nothing happened apart from flirting, although we both had to hold ourselves back ? I know from our conversation that this is a mutual feeling. The none insane part of my brain does not want anything to happen ? we?ve both got far to much to lose and too many people to hurt?but the insane part is desperate for us to come up with some way of being together, even just temporarily. AAARGH! why can?t I switch my feelings off. It?s affecting everything I?m like a bloody lovesick loon. It?s making me think my partner is not right for me, that I?m somehow living the wrong life etc etc. So bloody painful.

I can so relate to you OP. Me and a friend nearly got together 20 years ago but I had just started a relationship with someone else and thought it wouldn't be fair on that person not to see where it went. It's a choice I've often pondered over. Anyway, me and this guy went away for a couple of years to see if we were right for each other, when we came back, crush was with someone, they now have two kids in their teens. I broke up with this other guy, was single for a long time, but 10 years ago met someone and we now have one DC.

I've seen him here and there over the years and last year saw him at a party where we had a longish conversation followed by an evening of flirting with him basically telling me how he felt about me. After that we saw each other once a few months later. There hasn't been any direct contact but I know he's thinking about me and me him.

I went through hell, considering my own relationship, considering being on my own, considering everything. He was my every waking thought, first thing in the morning till last thing at night. Obsession doesn't even come close. I came to the conclusion that I was very comfortable with DP and had no guarantees that a relationship with him would be better or worse. I thought I'd rather be with DP than be on my own. I still don't feel 100% committed to DP, basically, I'd love a stolen night with this other guy just to see what would happen and where it would take us but I know that it's impossible at the moment so I try to ignore it.

The horrendous crush feelings lasted from when we talked at the party right the way through to recently, so roughly 6 months. Now they have subsided somewhat - I feel like we've both realised it's impossible, the lives we would hurt would just be too much to bear. But unlike other crushes I've had (much shorter lived), the feelings haven't gone completely, they're just manageable and less obsessed.

So, in short, it will pass, hang on in there, don't do anything you might regret, don't have direct contact of any kind. The madness feeling will fade, even if it seems to take forever.

Thank you to all who have shared their experiences and insights on here. I have had a good long look at my relationship history, and used some of the links on this thread to start thinking about what I can do to make sure any future relationship I do have is a healthy one.

The title of the thread really spoke to me, and I do hope things are looking like improving for you, op.

Wow there?s some interesting stuff on here. Interesting how it?s possible to have such intense, obsessional feelings for someone else when we know that it?s going nowhere, would hurt everyone we knew, or not even a possibility in the first place. Humans are very complicated and weird creatures! Its been a real help, actually, sharing on here so thank you everyone.

As for me, well, it?s been a good weekend with my little family and I?ve made the most of it. DP has been going through a bit of mild depression and has been very withdrawn, which has been very difficult given what my mind has been doing ? but then I reminded myself that he?s not perfect ? neither am i!!! (for all I know he might be going through the exact same thing as me ? wouldn?t that serve me right!) . My obsessive involuntary thoughts about OM have subsided a bit which is the main thing as I feel less crazy now, thankfully. The key is without a doubt, No Contact. I still can?t help myself wondering if OM is feeling like this too, and there was a little bit of me feeling an excited kind of anticipation at opening my emails this morning just in case he had caved in and contacted (followed by a teeny bit of disappointment when he hadn?t) but I am able to give myself a little kick now and just get on with the day rather than dwelling on it all the time. It is weird though, as I feel like i have been unfaithful. Mine and DP?s foundations have been shaken and he?s oblivious to it?
I?m not going to purposefully cross path with OM ? but we are likely to be in the same place at same time again eventually as we have shared friends who I don?t want to cut myself off from especially? might not be for months or even years but I am worried by the prospect of how I?ll react when I do see him again?

What I have done - is something which has been suggested by educatingarti (your post was very supportive and helpful - thank you) and I mentioned in passing to a friend who also know him that ?me and Mr X both really fancy each other and find it hard to be around one another?. It was a light-hearted comment and I didn?t go into any details of anything at all ? but I now feel like someone will be watching us if we are ever in the same room now.
Hope everyone else here is finding things easier as days go by ? I guess it?s all about evaluating what you?ve got and not dwelling on what might have been?

I know exactly how you have been feeling as this happened to me 11 yrs ago. I was in a relationship and inadvertantly met up with someone on a night out, chatted flirted etc and went home. He knew where i worked and sent me flowers with a card and his number. I text him 'thanks but have a bf' and off it went into a text relationship. We met up twice over six months. Chatted the first time, kissed once the second time. I went home and ended the relationship. I had agonised gor months but truth be told i was already unhappy and planning to end it but just didn't have the courage. I realised that even if it didn't work out with OM i would still rather be alone. We've been together ever since and OM is now DH!

Hi undertoads, I am so glad things are moving forward for you. Clearly cutting contact is the best way out of the trap.

I am not doing so well. I am sorely tempted to make my trial separation permanent, which to be honest I think needs to happen anyway.

OM and i are emailing each other. Some really personal stuff. It is probably a bad idea and is making this more painful, but the idea is to remove doubt, and the clear things up so that we can be friends, which we both dearly want. But the fact that our feelings are at least partly mutual means there is no way to remove doubt entirely,

Argh.

Hey Myosotis
Sorry you?re still going through a hard time? I can definitely vouch for the fact that if you want to stop thinking about him all the time then you have to be strict with yourself and cut the contact? otherwise you?re always going to be thinking of next time you speak/facebook etc. It depends on your reasons though ? it sounds like you?re both more or less available which kind of makes it more difficult I suppose as there?s not as much incentive to stop?
My feeling is that if you?re meant to be with someone then it will work out without forcing the issue? that?s not to say I believe in ?fate? I think that?s a stupid idea but if you and the OM are right for each other and no one else is going to get hurt then maybe down the line things will just work??? But if you truly want to stop thinking about him then you need to stop contacting each other.,.. that?s the hard part! Good luck!

Nottalotta ? yours is a nice story? I think that the fact you realised you?d got to the point where you?d rather be single even if it didn?t work out with the OM is the important bit. I think if you leave a DP based on the hope of starting a relationship with someone else (especially if he?s unavailable, as in my case) then you?re asking for trouble!

Hi, under toad. Thank you for your comments. Yes, our situation is not an absolute no-no. We were briefly young lovers a long time ago, and reconnecting with those powerful teenage emotions is bizarre after a 10 year relationship . I am a different person now thou, as is he, and although my life went downhill fairly badly in my 20's, i have learned a lot, and I do feel that I have learned a lot by reading on here, and reading the links too. My hopes are very different from what they used to be when considering embarking on an intimacy...

I have come to the same conclusion as you mentioned, either we will make a go of it at some point in the future, or we won't, either way I need to limit the amount of times I check my email now!

Again, thanks for talking to me; your understanding really helps.

Nottalotta

I am trying not to think about your story too much! It is my dream scenario really... But I know it is a dream.