Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Rival grandmas

30 replies

twinklyfingers · 29/05/2013 14:58

This might be long, sorry but I'm in a quandary about what to do and I need advice so I want to lay out the facts. I'll also say I know I'm lucky to have both sets of gps so close and willing to help.

DD is 6mo and I will return to work 3 days a week when she's 9mo. The plan, decided when I was pregnant, is for my DM to care for her. I'd prefer this to nursery. We will pay DM for this. Dmil knew of this plan when I was pregnant. Both grandmas are retired, DM more recently in order to care for dd. Dmil has a busy active life full of classes and groups. DM helps my DF run his business from home.

It has been an issue even before dd arrived for dh and I about which set of parents we spend more time with. We are both more relaxed at my parents, they have a more muck in attitude, we just turn up whenever and help ourselves to drinks, tv etc. At his parents it's more formal, which can be very nice to feel like guests with time and attention given when we're there. We generally only go round when invited. My parents do not visit us, partly due to df's business and partly because my dps prefer to be at home. Dmil visits once during the week and we usually see both sets at the weekend. We go on holidays with dh's parents, that will likely never happen with my parents, again due to the business and also as they just like being at home! As you can see though, we spend time with both sets, albeit quite differently.

Anyway, dh spoke to Dmil last night and she wants to offer to have dd one day a week when I'm at work, meaning DM would have her 2 days and Dmil 1 day. This is out of the blue. I had assumed she would not want to due to all her clubs and groups (she takes her commitment to these very seriously). Apparently dpil and dh are worried dd will be closer to my parents, and this will help that. My gut feeling is that dd should not be cared for in 3 different places. Ideally i would be at home full time with her but this is not possible. I want her to feel secure and i think we can help this by making it only home or my parents house she goes to. I also think that this offer is not about what's best for dd but is about making dpil feel involved, which is not my main concern. Dh then brought up things his dps have said about how our children will be the only gc they have/see (dbils are not settling down and live far away) and my sisters who live close by will probably have more gc for my parents! I think this I'd totally irrelevant.

DM is very good with babies and children, whereas Dmil gets quite stressed and frets. Also, being brutally honest, my DM is quite laid back and Dmil has been interfering and critical of both me and dh in the past. I don't want this to turn into a bitch about mils and I am worried that this is overly colouring my view. At the same time, the idea of doing a handover with Dmil in the morning before work makes my blood pressure rise. A friend has said I should try to get both gps involved so dd is close to both, but I think we do plenty with both anyway.

Really this is an aibu but I wasn't brave enough to put in on there! Aibu to say no, child care arrangements stay as previously decided?

OP posts:

YouStayClassySanDiego · 29/05/2013 15:04

I would keep childcare arrangements as planned before MiL started stewing about who's top Grandma!

Don't let her insecurities make you waver from what is right for you and your baby, what does your dp think?

Chottie · 29/05/2013 15:08

I am a DM and a DMiL (I hope )

Please, please do whatever you and DP think best for your baby. Your MiL will get over it. It is not about her, it's about what it best for your baby, you and your DP as parents.

p.s. you sound a lovely DiL

CityGal29 · 29/05/2013 15:08

We have similar and agreed my DM has kids while we're at work & Dmil does evenings and trips, we go alone x2 Long weekends a year & whenever we stay over she totally does everything.

We are amazingly lucky appreciate how lucky you are! Great situ to have

Original poster

twinklyfingers · 29/05/2013 15:09

Thanks for your reply. Dh is also worried about dd not being so comfortable with his parents as she is with mine. Really that is the only reason we would be putting her to his parents and I don't think it's a good enough reason to do it. I am worried I'm letting my own preferences colour this, and then I think perhaps I should, as it will be me liaising with the grandmas, not him!

OP posts:

LemonBreeland · 29/05/2013 15:12

I would stick with what has been planned. Your DD can still be close to her other GPs without them needing to provide childcare.

What does your DH think about it? Is he happy to stick with your DM?

Cloverer · 29/05/2013 15:14

Could you find some other way for MIL to be involved, like a Saturday afternoon once a month, or coming to yours to babysit? Maybe your DD staying over night with her occasionally?

It sounds like you see both sets of GPs loads already, so I don't think your MIL has much to worry about not being close.

I think you do need to consider what is best for your DD/your family unit, rather than making sure grandmas get equal time. If it's going to be an extra stress on work days to have to take DD to MILs then I would say no - but do try to find some other way of making MIL feel included.

What does your DH want to do?

mamababa · 29/05/2013 15:16

I don't think YABU about deciding who cares for your DD but I think your comment about her being in 3 different places is silly. Children adapt to surroundings quickly and form attachment to people. The more places and people your DD feels comfortable with is surely to your advantage. MIL's reasons are not unfounded, she wants to be close to your DD. however, if you feel that her caring for a baby all day long will stress her no end (let's face it they are hard work particularly when the start crawling and walking) then why don't you just talk to her. Maybe she could have DD for a couple of hours at the weekend or on your day off so you can do your shopping or whatever?

DuelingFanjo · 29/05/2013 15:16

YANBU. get your husband to tell them that the arrangements have already been made and your mum will be looking after teh baby.

Sounds to me like she's not doing it because she wants to help but because she is worried about being less popular.

Original poster

twinklyfingers · 29/05/2013 15:17

X post citygal you are totally right, we are so lucky! Some people struggle for sitters and I have them coming out of my ears! (Both my sisters are desperate to look after her too!)

I think that is also a really good idea about weekends and trips away, I did say to dh his dps would be first choice for weekends etc but perhaps we could have a regular arrangement and that would help dh and Dmil feel she was properly included? I would like the guarantee of being taken out a couple of times a month!

OP posts:

MaryPoppinsBag · 29/05/2013 15:23

I used both DM and DMIL it worked out very well. My DMIL would've been v v v upset had I just got my mum to do it.

I like you felt more comfortable leaving DS with my DM at first. But as time went on I discovered it was fine. Initially it was more to do with her listening to me more than anything but it worked out great. And you just have to accept people do things differently.

My DM withdrew her services when I was expecting DS2 DMIL did not but I didn't go back to work because I had no holiday cover and PIL go away a lot as they've retired.

It is nice of her to offer, and I hear of so many MIL's that are pushed out by DIL's who don't think they are good enough to look after their children. It's quite sad.

Being looked after at 3 different places won't do any harm!

Original poster

twinklyfingers · 29/05/2013 15:31

Lots of x posts! You're all right - I should find a way for Dmil to be included in a more concrete way. I will speak to her and suggest a regular weekend arrangement as something that will be helpful to us as well as giving her some one on one with dd.

Cloverer you're right, the amount of time the three of us are together needs to be considered too. This will be a good reason to speak about this.

mamababa I accept I might be being silly about being at 3 places. I work in nurseries and have seen little children being unsure where they're going to after and I don't want that for dd, but she would probably be more adaptable than I think.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 29/05/2013 15:37

I too would stick to the arrangement you have made, but reassure DMiL that you are hoping she will babysit when you go out, and during the days you are at home on all those occasions when you need to go to the dentist / haircut / smear test / all the other things that are just easier without a little one in tow

fruitpastille · 29/05/2013 15:51

Would your mil consider looking after DD at your home? My fil comes to be our nanny for the day once a week which works well. This started as my child.minder.couldn't do one of the days needed. I wouldn't say my children prefer fil to my mum even though they see him more.

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 15:59

Personally I would let mil do the one day a week.
Partly because,at the back of my mind is the thought of what if your DM becomes ill?
Would you then expect your mil to take over?

Also, on some level, I do think that is is fairer on your mil if she wants to help.

charitygirl · 29/05/2013 15:59

This happened to us too - I was initially reluctant but really it was only because my carefully laid plans were being messed with, which I hate! Three places is SO not a big deal - my PIL drive me mad sometimes but I love the wy my DC see both GPs' homes as being theirs, and your DD will not regret the chance to build another set of the type of strong r'ships which grow when GPs care for a GC.

I would say you should say yes!

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 16:00

Another point.
When your DD is older, she is going to ask why your mum did the looking after, but not your mil.What will you tell her?

LastTangoInDevonshire · 29/05/2013 16:07

My niece's children spend a day a week at each grandmas house - the children do not have a problem with this at all, and both have different parenting styles.

I think you are wrong to not let MIL have your child one day a week.

LemonBreeland · 29/05/2013 16:09

I think asking MIL to help out in ad hoc ways may be the best solution. You mentioned in your OP that she has a lot of clubs etc. going on, and I think it is entirely possible that she has not thought this through entirely and is jumping in at the last minute in case she misses out, not becuase she really wants to do it.

MrsCampbellBlack · 29/05/2013 16:14

Personally I'd let your mil do one day - see how it goes and if its a nightmare, well then re-evaluate.

Your mum is certainly setting herself up for a lot of chilcare in the future - if you have more children and your 2 sisters have children!

AgathaF · 29/05/2013 16:16

I can't see the problem with both sets of GPs caring for her as your MIL suggests. It would be good for your DD to form a good attachment to both sets of GPs, and from your point of view it would be good to have either there to cover for the other if one set should be unable to care for her for whatever reason.

If problems do develop - MIL being critical etc - that would be the time to review things or have a frank discussion with her.

Original poster

twinklyfingers · 29/05/2013 16:32

Thank you everyone, this has been so helpful.

Ilikethebreeze those are both good points i need to give thought too. I would not expect Dmil to step in, but I do need to consider when/if my mum can't manage.

I accept I'm wrong about 3 places, thanks everyone who has pointed this out! It's probably more I got my head round her going to just dm's.

Lemon I think you're right about her not giving this much thought. Don't want to out myself, but she has cared for elderly relatives and become stressed and has had to back out of arrangements.

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 29/05/2013 16:40

I think if she's likely to end up not doing it in a consistent way then that's a good reason not to get her to do it.

Phineyj · 29/05/2013 16:44

I agree with Ilikethebreeze. You can't see into the future - the more people who can care for your DD if needed, the more flexible things can be. I bet your MIL doesn't really want to do a whole day each week though really - I think time at weekends would be ideal.

CPtart · 29/05/2013 16:53

Send your MIL to me......in over ten years neither grandma is willing to have my DC for even a couple of hours a week on a regular basis. You are very lucky to have such a dilemma!

Seriously, instinct says let your MIL do one day, it's only fair.

7to25 · 29/05/2013 17:19

I am a MIL and a DM in a similar situation.
I have two toddler grandsons and look after one of them (my son's boy) three or four days a week and also do the odd weekend/ babysitting for my daughter.
I am far more comfortable with the one I look after on a regular basis. We have our own routine of activities and he is a lot more comfortable with me than the other DGC. He looks to me for comfort in a way that my daughter's boy does not.
I am 53 and I find that much caring for a toddler to be tiring. A friend does one day and the other GPs do two. My husband still works and I suppose I am on my own in this venture.
The great thing about having two sets of caters will be the cover in times of emergency. I don't want to suggest any scenarios, use your imagination!
People will always have different styles of grandparenting and of course your own parents style will be more familiar to you than that of your in laws.
Perhaps give them a try and don't have too fixed a view of the best course of action.

Flip

1 2