Rival grandmas

[twinklyfingers]

This might be long, sorry but I'm in a quandary about what to do and I need advice so I want to lay out the facts. I'll also say I know I'm lucky to have both sets of gps so close and willing to help.

DD is 6mo and I will return to work 3 days a week when she's 9mo. The plan, decided when I was pregnant, is for my DM to care for her. I'd prefer this to nursery. We will pay DM for this. Dmil knew of this plan when I was pregnant. Both grandmas are retired, DM more recently in order to care for dd. Dmil has a busy active life full of classes and groups. DM helps my DF run his business from home.

It has been an issue even before dd arrived for dh and I about which set of parents we spend more time with. We are both more relaxed at my parents, they have a more muck in attitude, we just turn up whenever and help ourselves to drinks, tv etc. At his parents it's more formal, which can be very nice to feel like guests with time and attention given when we're there. We generally only go round when invited. My parents do not visit us, partly due to df's business and partly because my dps prefer to be at home. Dmil visits once during the week and we usually see both sets at the weekend. We go on holidays with dh's parents, that will likely never happen with my parents, again due to the business and also as they just like being at home! As you can see though, we spend time with both sets, albeit quite differently.

Anyway, dh spoke to Dmil last night and she wants to offer to have dd one day a week when I'm at work, meaning DM would have her 2 days and Dmil 1 day. This is out of the blue. I had assumed she would not want to due to all her clubs and groups (she takes her commitment to these very seriously). Apparently dpil and dh are worried dd will be closer to my parents, and this will help that. My gut feeling is that dd should not be cared for in 3 different places. Ideally i would be at home full time with her but this is not possible. I want her to feel secure and i think we can help this by making it only home or my parents house she goes to. I also think that this offer is not about what's best for dd but is about making dpil feel involved, which is not my main concern. Dh then brought up things his dps have said about how our children will be the only gc they have/see (dbils are not settling down and live far away) and my sisters who live close by will probably have more gc for my parents! I think this I'd totally irrelevant.

DM is very good with babies and children, whereas Dmil gets quite stressed and frets. Also, being brutally honest, my DM is quite laid back and Dmil has been interfering and critical of both me and dh in the past. I don't want this to turn into a bitch about mils and I am worried that this is overly colouring my view. At the same time, the idea of doing a handover with Dmil in the morning before work makes my blood pressure rise. A friend has said I should try to get both gps involved so dd is close to both, but I think we do plenty with both anyway.

Really this is an aibu but I wasn't brave enough to put in on there! Aibu to say no, child care arrangements stay as previously decided?

Why don't you just let her and see how it goes? I don't understand the problem - ok, she's different to your mum but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

If our child spend so much time with your parents without you there then they will definitely grow closer to them than they will to your PIL who they only see when they're with you.

I think your MIL is rightly just and your DH has as much right to have a say in this as you.

rightly hurt

So your mother has retired 'more recently in order to care for dd'. As you're paying her, this will be a job. I think it would be off to turn around and say, sorry, I'm changing the arrangement we all agreed on because MIL is unhappy.

I think let mil have her day, it is an extra carer for your child and I it's only a benefit for your child to grow to feel comfortable with both sets of GPs in case of emergencies in the future!

Also if you don't involve MIL for a day while you are at work then won't you have to give up your time off with DC to visit her so she gets to spend some time with DGC? And will you and your DP not want weekends together as your own little family??

I would let her get her fix while I am at work!!

Just wanted to say thanks again to everyone who replied, I think we've sorted it. As previously arranged, DM will have her while I'm at work and dmil will have every second Saturday afternoon and evening and any extras like appointments I have etc. Dmil is happy with this. It is brilliant that she wants to spend time with dd and be a central part of her life, but i think this will be a better way of doing this for everyone involved. The more I think about it, the more I think Dmil would find it harder than she thinks, she has often spoken about how miserable she found the baby stage and she also has bouts of insomnia and goes back to bed during the day. Also the issue about previously caring for a relative and not coping worries me. This makes me question that, although she may like the idea of this, it might not work happily for anyone in reality.

It also turns out that she actually wanted dd during my days off. This is not something I'm prepared to compromise just now. I have said to her the situation will always be under review and perhaps when dd drops her naps it would be useful for Dmil to take have a morning/afternoon a week then. She seemed happy with this and I certainly feel more comfortable with this.

Thank you everyone for your ideas, it has helped me sort out how I feel. I know we are lucky to have this dilemma!