Internet Dating

[justme399]

Is it me or does many others find Internet dating soul destroying to the point where you feel suicidal and worthless? Am on anti depressants partly because of that and the doctor advised me to stop doing online dating as she said its not for the faint hearted or overly sensitive of which i fall into that category. That's exactly how I feel at the moment with it and I think I am going to have to stop doing it. I live in East Anglia and there is very few people in the dating pool in this area online and it seems you have to travel at least to London. I work full time and I don't have the time or money to travel that far afield to meet someone who I may or may not get on with.

To cut a long story short I have been online on various websites, Okcupid, Match, Dating Direct and POF and all the dates I have had there has always been some problem whether they be married, can't commit, no chemistry or just shallow. I have done online dating now for say over 6 years and still not found any relationship material. I am not prepared to wait another 6 years on these sites so how else do you meet normal people who want a fully committed relationship?

I am 32 and although very young all my friends are settled and I feel like a reject. I am good looking and successful but I just can't seem to meet anyone I like.

Justine

[CorrStagnitto]

i have been dating online for at least 10 years, ive met some really nice guys (have had a few relationships that never lasted) and met some horrendous idiots (it comes with the territory)

last couple of years i became more blaize about it, didnt take the dates too seriously and became very fussy about who i did date, i stopped trying so hard to be liked by these men, and was just myself with an attitude of 'if you dont like me, you know were the door is'

in the earlier years of dating i think i was giving off a bad ora, because i had been hurt before and was cynical i wasnt being myself, i put on a front and had lots of barriers up and im sure that made men not attractive to most men

recently though i think my who ora has changed, i was going on dates and being totally happy and confident with myself and not even bothered if i didnt like them or they didnt like me, i would just move on to the next guy i thought was nice enough to have a coffee with

Ive now met someone who is totally awesome and we are officially a couple

i think you need to take a step back, have a break maybe or try a new dating site, Badoo is a good one if you havent tried that, but dont give up, i never thought i would met someone but i did, and when i was least expecting it

[justme399]

I don't know why I said that Allaflutter I meant to put 55 not 45. That would be a big difference!

[justme399]

Isn't Badoo for Gay people? It must be even harder for gay people to meet guys who are not after just sex too.

[justme399]

@ Simplesusan Before the net cam out people actually spoke face to face and it forced them to get out of their comfort zones and meet people. I don't do social networking or twitter and I think all that has had a negative effect on society in general. I hope the traditional method of meeting people will always be mainstream rather than this impersonal electronic dating. I only use Mumsnet and Ebay other than that I keep internet use to a bare minimum.

[DiaryOfAWimpyMum]

Badoo isn't for gay people,I'm on it, after a break of 8 months, [sigh]

I had to stop dating last year, it was getting too time consuming and I felt like a serial dater, I have so many names in my phone and no idea who is who.

I just know I felt no sparks with any of them, well one but they were out of desperation tbh I think I forced them.

I seen a nice guy today, in the shop, we exchanged glances and I checked out his bum but that was all, then he drove away and I came home and realised I forgot to brush the back of my hair.

Im supposed to meeting someone this weekend but Im not going, he is boring me, we have gaps in online convo so it would be terrible in RL I think, I detest online dating, couldn't do it for years.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

I know how you feel, re not really being able to meet anyone in RL. i have never tried internet dating but it looks so awful I am not tempted to be honest. I too have no online presence other than MN so am unlikely to hit if off with anyone online, and work long hours and have a long commute so seemingly unlikely to meet anyone the traditional way!

I don't know what to suggest, but I think internet dating has made you unhappy, so I would knock that on the head for a bit.

Perhaps move away from East Anglia

[justme399]

That's how I feel Diaryofawimpymum nice enough people but they don't make me laugh and there is no spark.

I can't financially afford to move from East Anglia. I think its best I give internet dating up completely. As a couple of posters earlier on have suggested you can only be online for so many years and if its not working then time to try another strategy. I don't see how it is giving up on love by forgoing internet dating.

Its not for everyone and I don't believe the statistics these dating sites conjure up.

[lemonmuffin]

Oh justme (and others) I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't think I was rude, I was just telling it how I see it.

If you've been dating for many years and no-one you've met in all these years wants to have any kind of long-term relationship with you, is it really so unreasonable to wonder why?

[MandyWatkins]

As you're passionate about animals OP, why not focus on them? Join an organisation linked to animals - Retired Rescue Greyhounds. Hedgehog Rescue. Local Animal Shelters. RSPCA/PDSA fundraising.

Then you'll come into contact with other people who love animals too. I think it would be worth a try, not only to bring you in contact with like minded people of both sexes, but also for the feel good factor.

[justme399]

Thanks Mandy for that suggestion. I am on site called PlanetEarthSingles so not your average dating site but I am going to give the rest a miss.

[Walkacrossthesand]

lemonmuffin, I fear you are mistaking Internet 'dating' (i.e. having a profile on a dating website - low success rate, high chance of men people not being what they claim to be, very little to do with what you do/don't have to offer as a BF/GF as you don't actually get to meet that many people through it) for RL dating, where actual dates are involved. A person who has been 'OD for years' may have had only a handful of dates with charmless people, and no inference can be drawn regarding their ability or otherwise to maintain a relationship.

[justme399]

Thanks Walkacrossthesand someone who knows what they are talking about!

[Walkacrossthesand]

Witness the number of anguished wives on this board who have just discovered that their H has a profile on a 'dating' website. Each and every one of those H's would appear to be a possible 'relationship' to the innocent women looking - very unlike a RL 'blind date' set up by a mutual friend. It's a minefield....

[VelvetSpoon]

Lemonmuffin, unless you are an experienced OD'er (which I doubt), you're talking out of your arse. I went 4 years without meeting a single bloke who saw me for more than 1 date. The majority I would have been happy to see again, but they weren't interested - in the most part because they were only looking for a quick shag, or because I am too attractive/ intelligent/ well-off for them to even contemplate a relationship, because they are so insecure in themselves.

I went into it all with bags of confidence and masses of self esteem. And that was eroded by all the chancers and players, the vanishers, fantasists, and abusive messages. OD for a prolonged period really screws with your boundaries.

I found it temporarily cathartic to delete my profiles. Last year after a particularly headfuck experience which made me realise enough was enough, I did so. Had a few weeks of just going out and doing stuff in RL. Then decided to try again, went on a date with a man I thought I'd hate (because of various assumptions I'd made about him mainly based on his name and his job) and he was lovely. Its not quite a happy ending, we are still (for various reasons) only 'dating', albeit exclusively, several months on BUT it has shown me that despite what people tried to tell me, there was nothing wrong with me, I just hadn't met the right man. And that it is mostly luck.

I think you have to find a solution that seems right for you - I go out a lot, but I think its rare to meet anyone in a pub or bar nowadays unless they are friends of friends. I don live near any meet up groups (that was suggested to me) and I have no interest in walking, rambling or any other sporting groups. So for me, I felt I had to (on and off) keep a toe in with OD as there weren't many other options.

I do wish you luck OP with whatever you decide and hope that, in whatever way, things get better for you :)

[justme399]

Thanks Velvetspoon, you seem like a nice person and wish you luck too.

Can I ask where did you meet the man your currently dating? Which sites did you use too? I have used Plenty of Fish and Match. I don't think the paid sites are any better personally speaking from personal experience.

One thing I find though I already have 1 child and I don't want anymore so I want to meet a man who doesn't want children. The ones I like on POF either say 'Undecided' or 'Yes' and I don't want to waste my time dating people like that.

Also can someone explain to me about the 'Meet Me' feature on POF? Does it mean someone wants to actually meet you in real life if they click yes?

[LessMissAbs]

I tried internet dating for six months about 7 years ago before I met DH through the sport we both do.

It was depressing and unbelievably awful. I came to the conclusion that I would avoid most of the men on it in real life and actually forcing myself to be polite and witty to them was soul destroying. That sort of fake, flirty tone that you have to adopt just isn't me. It seemed to mainly comprise men who were married or attached and looking for a bit on the side, physically unattractive, unemployed/minimum wage employees, unsavourory personal habits, or rude. Those that weren't were either boring or unbelievably arrogant. I didn't come across one single man that I would have considered dating at all. And I was in a large city.

It was a complete waste of time. Can I suggest you develop an interest or hobby where you will meet other people? As said above, most married men looking to cheat won't bother to go on long hill walks or do a hobby seriously where other people will know them. Mountain biking is full of attractive, healthy, well adjusted and friendly men. Its also really good fun.

[LessMissAbs]

Oh and OP, pay no attention to that comment about not being girlfriend material. Some people are just more discerning than others, just as some people will go out with anyone that asks them.

Don't be too disheartened - there are all sorts of people out there in stable relationships. like my SIL .

[VelvetSpoon]

Thanks justme. I have used most of the sites over the years, mainly POF because it's free and high traffic.

I met the man I'm currently dating on Match (I had a 3 day free membership...I was a paid member when I first started ODing but it was rubbish, barely got any messages. I don't think it's worth paying for, but if you can get a free trial give it a whirl).

I dabbled with Oasis (awful) and OKCupid (similar). Got hardly any messages on either, and none that were worth replying to.

Had a profile on GSM, which attracted no interest, likewise MySingleFriend.

I never tried Eharmony, mainly because everyone else told me it was awful!

That probably covers all the main ones...! I would agree there's not much difference in quality between paid and free sites, esp as often people have profiles on the paid ones but are not paid members.

Re the children thing, honestly I wouldn't rule out men who said undecided/yes, often men put this (in my experience) because actually they haven't really thought about it, or that they're not too bothered - especially if they already have their own children. I actually used to take the opposite approach, and would avoid men who said no to children - partly because I might want one more (though I am probably too old anyway now!) and also because I would be concerned they were saying no because they didn't like children and might be a bit funny about mine....

[justme399]

Also so many profile pictures are taken years ago or stolen from web sites so unleSs you chat on skype there is no sure way your really talking to the person on the profile. I don`t think there is anything odd in requesting to see someone on camera prior to meeting and if they are reluctant I would reckon they are hiding something or probably married. Anyway I've decided not to bother with it anymore and give it up permanently, is not worth the hassle or constant disappointments. Hope you all find what your looking for if you pursue od and good luck. Justine

[Showmesunshine]

I say give it a break and focus on yourself. You need to learn to love yourself first before you can attract a right person. Period.

[MyGrain]

I have internet dated for years and have had 3 relationships out of it.

1. mummy's boy, in tons of debt, still lived at home, his mum packed his bag for him when he came to stay with me and she also paid his monthly credit card bill for him. He was a fucking nightmare and shit in bed. Good laugh though I suppose - depends how much you value GSOH.
   
   
2. What the fuck was I thinking? Awful, awful man - childish, petty, tight and mean, complete hypocrite, controlling, jealous and almost surely some form of personality disorder, maybe even aspergers. The strangest man I have ever met. I must have been in a bad place at the time, that's all I can come up with.
   
   
3. Current partner - More 'issues' than North Korea. I would be very surprised if we last another 2 years.
   
   Not a great experience to share but that's my last 10 years of dating online for you ... !

[ToTheTeeth]

MyGrain if you are making that many mistakes in your choice of partner I'm not sure it's the internet that's at fault.

[DiaryOfAWimpyMum]

I was a serial dater for maybe 8 months - 1.5 yrs after coming out of an 18 yr controlling relationship, I would be lying if I gave an amount of guys but 52 weekends in a year and a dating site full of men...one lasted 2 months another 4 months other than that I was just talking to them then dating them, many of them I married too young as I detested dating and it's the same now only I'm not stupid enough to get married again.

I found a fault with almost every single man, then I realised I was faulty so have taken a year out, I broke it once or twice and had a date then fell totally in love 'with the idea of this guy....,' the year will be up in August but I have a wedding in July so I may try again.

I was on again last week but I'm still finding myself going a lot at them. I have 177 'meet mes' and am attracted to maybe 5 of them. I think I'm shallow, or still faulty.

They keep telling jokes, or cannot type properly, 'hiya gorguss, dae ye wannae chat' makes me or 'if I were a computer I could crash at yours' mwhahahahah (not)

fuck off

I think I best keep on with my break reading that back.

[LessMissAbs]

I honestly had no idea that so many odd-looking, semi-literate men with personality disorders and bad habits were out there before I tried internet dating. I've never met such men in "real life" (or I must be good at avoiding them) and I simply couldn't see the point in communicating with them, in the hope that one hidden gem might lurk somewhere.

[Squeegle]

I am 47; ancient!!! But I must say I have been quite enjoying the whole Internet dating thing. Well, I say dating, I've only met two blokes- mainly it has been Internet chatting. And I have been finding it fun!
But I think that's cos I'm not over serious about finding a long term boyfriend; I've got 2 DCs, can rarely go out, for me it is quite amusing to sit at home and get to know people online. Yes, there are definitely lots of weirdos, oldies, youngies, etc. but quite a few you can have a nice chat with.
In my view the secret is a) not to invest emotionally, and b) not to get upset if a converser disappears. It's not really personal. I have spoken to lots of chaps I would otherwise not have met.

Who knows what will happen in the future- but I also agree with the posters who say give it a break if its not working for you. If you're not in the right place mentally, it's unlikely to help matters- you do need to be able to detach....