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Original poster

Can serial cheater change his/her ways?

28 replies

Kione · 29/05/2013 08:30

If they find the love of their lives??
Just thinking about different past experiences... including a female work colleague that is one of those and she is not happy doing it but its almost compulsive Sad . She seems to think that she can stop when she finds the right man. But I am also thinking other experiences and pobderibg why it does happen and if a person can change if they find the right partner.

OP posts:
meditrina · 29/05/2013 08:33

I think people can change, and turn round lives from even quite dire circumstances.

But this comes from work on oneself, not via a form of magic wand in terms of who you encounter.

DuttyWine · 29/05/2013 08:33

No I doubt it. My ex was a serial cheat, when I kicked him out a final time he shacked up with one of the girls he was seeing behind my back. He made out she was the one and he didnt cheat on her... A few months later he was turning up at my door again.

6 years on he has 2 kids with her and another with his first partner he had a child with before he even met me!

flipchart · 29/05/2013 08:34

Yes they can.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/05/2013 08:39

There's no way to generalise. If your friend's sexual behaviour is because she's addicted to the thrill of the chase, gets easily bored, craves excitement then, even if she finds the love of her life, there's always the chance that things get dull and she can't pass up an opportunity to relive old times. I think many do settle down eventually. I used to think age was a great calming influence but I know two men age 50+ who are as sexually 'lively' and unfaithful as ever.... so that's not necessarily true either.

LadyMaiBlossom · 29/05/2013 08:44

No I dont think they can change as relationships need work, the person need to mindfully not cheat and work to maintain a relationship and some people are addicted to the rush of cheating.

I could never trust someone who I know cheated.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 29/05/2013 08:47

Possibly, but it will have to come from within, not from without (finding the 'right' partner) because the issues that cause the person to choose cheating wont go away without being addressed.

Original poster
Kione · 29/05/2013 08:50

I dont like generalising either. I was thinking if it was possible for a cheater to change, not asking if all serial cheaters can change.
Feel sorry for this colleague, she seems to loose the plot when she drinks. No one commentd anything but I had noticed and spoke to her. And I also know at least to males that do it remorse free! and it has left me thinking...
So very divided opinions on this...

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 29/05/2013 08:51

Thanks Mad

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/05/2013 09:25

"Feel sorry for this colleague, she seems to loose the plot when she drinks"

Is this person actually a cheat ie. in a relationship, is she promiscuous or both? Sometimes promiscuity is a result of insecurity. If her behaviour worsens when her inhibitions are down due to the booze and she's the sort that mistakes 'sex' for 'affection' then meeting the right person might actually give her the security she craves and she won't feel the need to keep looking.

Original poster
Kione · 29/05/2013 09:38

she is in a relationship, and promiscuous sounds right as she doesnt give a second thought to the men she sleeps with, but she texts me next morning feeling remorseful. Last Saturday she was snogging this man (we where the only two left from the group) I was embarrassed so told her I was going and she said fine and stayed. Does she sound just promiscuous?
The man I know is DP to another friend and is remorsrless and shamesly frirty, I am just Shock

OP posts:
meditrina · 29/05/2013 10:09

It is possible that she prefers non-monogamous relationships at this stage in her life. If so, that's her choice. But I'd agree strongly that she should not be shagging attached men (even open relationships need ground rules, and sticking to singles makes things easier) and of course she needs to consider her STI risk.

Original poster
Kione · 29/05/2013 10:22

she feels remorseful because of her boyfriend whom she lives with. God written down it seems much worse that chatting about it in the pub. She only does it when she goes out or so she told me, I like going out too and always end up the last one with her

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/05/2013 10:53

I don't know about promiscuous but she sounds incredibly stupid and a bit pathetic. How old is she? And what do you respond back to these 'remorseful' texts on Sunday mornings...? 'I'm not interested in your crocodile tears and you should be ashamed of yourself'.... would be my suggestion.

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 29/05/2013 10:56

Rupert Campbell Black.

Original poster
Kione · 29/05/2013 11:13

She says she is ashamed but when she gets very drunk she just doesn't think. I suggested that if she looses control when drunk that she should stop drinking. Also that she should think of splitting with bf and the do whatever she likes.
She is in her thirties.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/05/2013 11:23

If she's 30-odd and still acting this way you're not going to change this woman's behaviour. Instead practise the phrases 'not interested' & 'none of my business' and tell her as much. Don't be the audience for her exhibitionism & narcissism. If you can avoid going out with Lilo Lil, even better..

Original poster
Kione · 29/05/2013 12:13

I wasnt expecting to change her behaviour, I was hoping that she will find someone that stops her cheating because apart from that we do get on when we go out. But I get uneasy when shr starts flirting and usually I leave then.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/05/2013 12:59

It's not down to some new man to change her behaviour, she has to do that for herself. Sadly, by throwing herself at any random thing in trousers and (presumably) not fully engaging with her partner at the same time, all she's going to end up is lonely.... the 'old slapper' everyone laughs at. Decent men will run a mile. Until she realises that, there's no hope.

badinage · 29/05/2013 13:09

She won't find 'someone that stops her cheating' because that's not in anyone's power or gift.

It's one of the biggest relationship myths that a relationship or a person can control someone else's behaviour.

That has to come from within.

The reason she's saying that she'll stop if she finds the right partner is simply to avoid taking any responsibility for her own actions. It's the adult version of a child saying about another child 'he made me do it', for some transgression or other. Because in effect she is blaming her existing partner for not being good enough to prevent her screwing around.

Don't indulge that sort of self-delusion.

MadAboutHotChoc · 29/05/2013 13:25

If you read that article I linked earlier, it says that people cheat because of their own issues, flaws and coping mechanisms. Only they can control their behaviour - your friend needs a good long hard look at herself and take herself off to counselling.

Snorbs · 29/05/2013 13:44

Sounds a bit to me like she is looking for a man to save her from herself.

She starts a new relationship, idolises him for a bit, but then slowly realises that he is merely mortal and can't magically fix the myriad issues she has.

So she gets dissatisfied and goes off and shags around behind his back partly in an attempt to find the next saviour and partly to "get back" at the poor sod who has let her down by not being magic.

Sounds like my ex.

Cherriesarelovely · 29/05/2013 13:47

One of my friends did just that. She said the differences were that not only was she very much in love but she knew without a doubt that if she strayed her DH would definitely leave her.

Cherriesarelovely · 29/05/2013 13:48

They have been happily married for 12 years.

badinage · 29/05/2013 14:02

I think it's a bit different if it's a young person who's in an experimental phase and needs to get something out of their system. That's more about growing up, maturing and going for quality rather than quantity. Usually too, other ego boosts start to be more important than the ability to get a shag. If someone's still doing this in her thirties and is claiming it's because she hasn't found the 'One' then the problem is with her and not anyone else.