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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He always said no one would believe me

48 replies

Nannyof2rebels · 29/05/2013 07:10

Hi I'm not sure if this is the right section to write in, so sorry if it's the wrong place!

I was in an abusive relationship for years, during that time he told me that no one would ever believe me, if I told them what he was doing! Well I am out of the relationship now, and my counsellor suggested that I should share my experiences on an Internet forum that I was on! She said I might find it easier to speak on line, and in turn I might find I could open up better to people face to face!

Well all went okay, I wrote a post to tell my story, and I was stunned by all the supportive words that I received! Then a few months down the line I posted about something else that happened, that was connected and then discovered I was being accused of being a troll, behind my back on another site!

My name was cleared by the people in charge of the site, but clearly the doubt was then there! I feel so guilty and ashamed, and wish I had never said anything to any of them! But at the same time, I am glad that I have made a few real friends from that site!

How do you ignore people like this and regain your confidence! I thought I was doing quite well, until this happened! Now all I can think about is the fact that he always said no one would believe me, and it looks like he was right! I understand this probably sounds really pathetic, it's just an online site! But when you have limited real world support and low self esteem! It really hurts!!

I just want to move on, but how?

OP posts:

SilveryMoon · 29/05/2013 07:14

It doesn't sound pathetic at all.
Well done for opening up and sharing on the forum, must have been a huge and frightening step to take.
I can't give you any advice and have no idea how you can begin to move on, but didn't want to not reply.
x

SilveryMoon · 29/05/2013 07:15

VashtaNerada · 29/05/2013 07:18

I suppose there's always the risk in life that some people just won't understand but the majority of people will believe you and admire you for trying to get on with your life

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/05/2013 07:21

Although I'm fully aware of the irony of what I'm about to say, you can't judge anything by the responses on an internet forum. People often go on these things just to take cowardly pot-shots at others, protected by the anonymity of a username. Quite a lot of what I believe are called 'sock puppets' operate online, pushing a particular agenda. We get them here... the 'Fathers for Justice', chauvinistic or 'surrendered wife' types, accusing MN members of all being swivel-eyed, man-hating, child-stealing, money-grabbing, divorce-pushing loons, to coin a phrase :) For all you know, the people accusing you of being a troll were abusive men, out to carry on abusing women through the medium of the internet forum. It happens.

On the MN Relationship board I think you're probably in safer territory but, even here, feel free to say what you think and give as good as you get. Welcome!

WafflyVersatile · 29/05/2013 07:22

He wasn't right. Some people didn't but others did.

Walkacrossthesand · 29/05/2013 07:22

Sorry you're hurting like this. The Internet is anonymous, and that is both a blessing and a curse - a blessing, because people who would not feel able to describe their predicament IRL can do so, and get very real support; a curse, because some people think it's funny to post fake stories, so many readers are at some level looking for any 'unlikely-sounding' features to call 'troll' - and of course, still others get a kick out of calling 'troll' on the flimsiest of grounds. It doesn't make your ex 'right' - people did believe you, didn't they, and you've made new friends and proved him wrong. The troll-hunters were wrong, not you. Let that strengthen you, not bring you down!

Lweji · 29/05/2013 07:31

he always said no one would believe me

There might have been some who didn't, and you get that on real life, but others did, and you get that on real life too. :)

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/05/2013 07:33

"I just want to move on, but how?"

A further thought. What an abusive relationship and troll-accusations on a web forum have in common is 'bullying'. As part of your recovery from the abusive relationship, learning to recognise & deal with bullying (which exists in all walks of life) is integral to the process. Moving on therefore means developing you self-respect, strength and confidence so that you can tell anyone... real or virtual... to get lost if they are making you unhappy. Like any other skill it takes practice to perfect.

Original poster

Nannyof2rebels · 29/05/2013 08:02

Thanks for those replies! I think I know that the issue isn't just how the doubters and bitching behind my back made me feel. But I scared myself by how quickly I dropped back into the victim role, and all the insecurities that go with that!

I have found myself not defending myself, but apologising for causing drama on the other site?? But I haven't done anything wrong, so why am I apologising! Probably for the same reason I used to apologise when He hit and punched me!

Think maybe I still have a long way to go! But thanks for the replies, which have helped me to look at the bigger picture!

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/05/2013 08:14

The person who is self-aware enough to acknowledge their weaknesses may have a long way to go but at least, as they travel, they will be going in the right direction. :) Would your counsellor be able to help you with assertiveness training?

springymater · 29/05/2013 09:51

You were bullied for a long time, so it's going to take a while to turn that around and it's not surprising you ducked into victim mode when the heat was turned up.

I'm sorry you were bullied on an internet forum - it hurts, I agree! As cogito says, allsorts come on an internet forum, you can't know who they are or why they're doing it. However, you can get some amazing support on internet forums - you have to learn to spit out the bones/bullies.

We believe you! Your partner was a liar and he kept you imprisoned with his lies. You know now that he was a liar - that's a huge step, for a start. Plenty of us have been the victim of a liar and an abuser, so you're in good company here (esp on relationships).

it might help to read posts without posting for a while, so you get the gist of how things can go. YOu will hear many stories like yours.

Keep stepping forward. You're on the right path

BOF · 29/05/2013 10:11

You've certainly come to the right place for ((((((soft hugs)))))).

EleanorHandbasket · 29/05/2013 10:16

I remember you posting here about it.

It's an horrific story. I think sometimes people would rather think it was made up, to avoid thinking that things like that happen. Also, there is a risk! That! When! You! Post like this! And with lots of faces that people will think you are yanking chains.

Unfortunately many of us here have been burnt horribly by grief trolls.

If you are writing your truths, does it matter what faceless randoms on the Internet think? I know that whenever I've been accused of trolling I've been able to shrug it off and think, I WISH I was inventing it. Can you look at it that way?

People here have been through awful losses and experiences themselves, often we are only protecting ourselves by being cynical.

EleanorHandbasket · 29/05/2013 10:18

It takes a special kind of fuckwitted arsehole to troll about bereavement and dv, so just rise above troll accusations safe in the knowledge you are neither fuckwitted nor an arsehole.

SingleBelle · 29/05/2013 10:26

I was in an abusive relationship for 8 years and left 7 years ago. Like you, for a long time, it mattered to me that people believed me, understood why I'd left, and agreed that I'd done the right thing by leaving.

It was a form of torment knowing that my x and his family and yes, toxic people on the internet (not this board but another board) did not give me their 'blessing' to have have left him!! Sounds crazy when I type it but this is how I felt.

You ask how do you move on? I don't know what the formula is, but time is a part of the formula. I no longer need anybody else's approval. I left him. I did it because I was unhappy with him. I knew then I had the right to be happy and to leave him. I always knew that and never doubted it but like you I was held back by needing other people to understand and approve of my decision.

You did the right thing and you know it was the right thing. You don't need anybody else's permission or approval. If they think anything let them get on with it.

Have you heard that excellent expression "what you think of me is none of my business". that sums up a shift in my thinking that helped me move on.

Original poster

Nannyof2rebels · 29/05/2013 10:46

Thanks SingleBelle you summed up exactly how I feel. It's about feeling bad that someone doesn't believe me and is calling me a liar to others. What made it worse, was my site name was used on the post. Then suddenly the posts I had written on the other site, were viewed a ridiculous amount of times! As was my profile! Not sure what they thought they would find?

Anyway I have wasted enough time and tears on them. Think I wrote on here, just to prove to myself that I can still talk about my fears, and worries. Not everyone will judge me the way they have.

EleanorHandBasket yes I shared some of my experiences on here. Anyway, you have all made me understand that what they believe is their choice. I can't let them stop me moving forward and getting my life back. I am a good person and I deserve to be happy.

Thanks all xx

OP posts:

SingleBelle · 29/05/2013 10:52

Just two more points!

What cogito says is so astute and worth reading again. I wish I'd read that years ago. I left an abusive relationship and then !!!! ended up being scuked into a toxic online relationship with a toxic abusive bully (on another forum in another country) with a fuckwit who put me on the defensive. 90% of people were supportive and understanding but this one man was just so vile. Everything I did he gave it the most negative interpretation possible. He accused me of abuse He encouraged me to blame and judge myself! so, there I was back again, still defending myself. Still just trying to be 'free' but back defending myself 'til I was exhausted. finally finally finally I saw it. I had that eureka moment where I just finally GOT it and saw the connection.

Back to your World now. Your x is the one who has you convinced that what he thinks of you matters. You are buying into his mindset here feeling weighed down by what he thinks of you.

But contrary to what he'd like to believe, there is no court case. There is no trial where the two of you compete for the good opinion of The General Public (The Jury). This is what HE wants. He can no longer make you feel shit about yourself ALL on his own, now he needs to draft in the virtual support of The General Public and make you believe that The General Public have judged you. Bullshit.

You will be busy leading your life without him and what he thinks of you only matters if you allow it to. I know that getting him out of your head is easier said than done, but I will post some links for you.

I read them AFTER I'd had that eureka moment (not wrt my x, but wrt the toxic online fuckwit) but the articles really validated my eureka moments.

TheSecondComing · 29/05/2013 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springymater · 29/05/2013 10:55

Sorry to state the obvious, but have you name-changed?

I'm sorry you had such a rough time. You must have felt violated. As if you needed more of that! ((((hug))))

If this helps at all, I phoned a domestic abuse helpline (back in the day - they're more trained now!) and the woman I spoke to (clearly NOT TRAINED ) said 'oh come on, you really mustn't exaggerate'

Our stories can be very hard to believe. Even I still find it hard to get my head around my own story sometimes..

SingleBelle · 29/05/2013 10:57

Nannytorebels, there are lots of us here who get it totally and we will always be on hand to 'get' it again, when you need us! But there will also be a few vipers in the long grass. I have discovered that myself with the internet.

One woman I know, her x stalked her online and came online and called us "the back slapping brigade" and basically mocked us for supporting his wife.

But, don't get too sucked into online court dramas! Block any fuckwits who pm you. Don't defend yourself. you do not need to defend yourself. You do not require the good opinion of these bullies to go about your daily life. You're not contractually obliged to defend yourself or to try and win them over.

Here, back in a sec with some good links

SingleBelle · 29/05/2013 11:00

The wisdom of letting toxic people have the last word This is a really good (short) piece. It just reminds you of the pointlessness of getting sucked into a trial, where you're defending yourself, and your x is the barrister , cross-examining you!

this one explains why if you argue back, even to defend yourself, you are giving the narc exactly what he wants Drop the rope.

SingleBelle · 29/05/2013 11:02

There is a lot on that site that is worth reading. I've stumbled accross many sites over the years and I think that's a particularly good one.

To go back to your question about how to move on, I would recommend reading and re-reading and re-reading these pages. I have re-read them all hundreds of times and sometimes I still go back and read a particular page again.

ArtexMonkey · 29/05/2013 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mollydoggerson · 29/05/2013 11:26

But lots of people did believe you, so he wasn't right.

There are assholes everywhere, just avoid them.

SingleBelle · 29/05/2013 12:17

"there are assholes, avoid them"

This is basically what I learnt in my 8 sessions of psychotherapy!! I know it's just a few words to type for most people. But I required 8 sessions of psychotherapy and two years of reflection on the hoof before I got this!

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