He always said no one would believe me

[Nannyof2rebels]

Hi I'm not sure if this is the right section to write in, so sorry if it's the wrong place!

I was in an abusive relationship for years, during that time he told me that no one would ever believe me, if I told them what he was doing! Well I am out of the relationship now, and my counsellor suggested that I should share my experiences on an Internet forum that I was on! She said I might find it easier to speak on line, and in turn I might find I could open up better to people face to face!

Well all went okay, I wrote a post to tell my story, and I was stunned by all the supportive words that I received! Then a few months down the line I posted about something else that happened, that was connected and then discovered I was being accused of being a troll, behind my back on another site!

My name was cleared by the people in charge of the site, but clearly the doubt was then there! I feel so guilty and ashamed, and wish I had never said anything to any of them! But at the same time, I am glad that I have made a few real friends from that site!

How do you ignore people like this and regain your confidence! I thought I was doing quite well, until this happened! Now all I can think about is the fact that he always said no one would believe me, and it looks like he was right! I understand this probably sounds really pathetic, it's just an online site! But when you have limited real world support and low self esteem! It really hurts!!

I just want to move on, but how?

Thanks again for all the wise words. Just writing this quickly before I need to get back to work. But hopefully will be back on later to reply properly.

In answer to someone's question. Yes I have name changed. In the hope that the same person, doesn't use this against me too. She read my previous post, and when it turned a bit nasty, she assumed that I had been outed as a Troll, I hadn't. Then when she came back on she couldn't find the post and so decided that I must be a troll. Then she compared it to something I had mentioned on the other site. Then via FB she had a whole conversation about how ????? from ?? was a Troll.

I had opened up my heart to these people. The worse thing is I then tried to put things right, by telling her, by private message which page my thread was on here, just to prove, I wasn't a Troll. She didn't reply. I feel so stupid for doing that, but I did manage to also message a couple of others, who did have the guts to apologise.

So like you all say. There are good people in this world and they are the ones I should listen to. Not people like her.

Xx

Try to detach from the shenanigans on the internet. It happened to me too. You pour your heart and soul out in your time of deep distress and somebody will pop up to make you feel worse. It is astonishing. But it happens because you're vulnerable. Caring what strangers think of your story, your life, your reasons etc......... that is what makes you vulnerable. You will be moving towards that place (gradually) where you no longer care so much what some randomer on the internet thinks. Or, for that matter, what your x and his mammmy think

ps

"There are good people in this world and they are the ones I should listen to. Not people like her." Whilst it's true that you don't want to waste time listening to negative blamers and judgers, the person you should be listening to is you. YOU weren't happy. YOU correctly judged that the relationship was abusive. YOU decided to leave. YOU had the right to leave. Intellectually and rationally you get that which is why you left (!!!) but on a deeper level now you're looking for the validation of strangers on the internet and that's why it hurts SO MUCH when fuckwits pop up and throw more abuse at you. I HOPE you understand what I'm saying, and that it doesn't sound like I'm blaming you for getting upset. The point is that you don't need anybody's approval or blessing or permission to have left a relationship that made you very unhappy.

I'm into positivie affirmations at the moment. Repeat after me, humour me, do this, please! [Grin]

"even though I've felt judged and unfairly criticised in the past, I completely love and accept myself. The truth is that I'm entitled to end a relationship, and I'm entitled to be happy."

Even if you think it's utter bollix, please humour me by saying this out loud ten times a day.

People are so stupid. Hugs.

I think your counsellor gave you some seriously duff advice. The internet is full of trolls and keyboard warriors.

SingleBelle

I cannot thank you enough for that website ! !

It's great isn't it?! I'm glad to put it out there!

babyheave right now I would agree that sharing stuff on line, hasn't been the best therapy. But, I was struggling to talk about what happened, with anyone. Including my counsellor. So she suggested that if I opened up on a site, that I had been using for years, I would see that people would believe me, and would be supportive and understanding. Which they were to begin with.

Looking for positives, I can see now how easily I slipped back into the victim role, which means I can try and do something about it. To stop it happening again. I can also now see that if they don't believe me there is nothing I can do about it. I wish I could change the past. Sadly I can't.

Thanks for the website SingleBelle

Xx

Hei Nanny, I just wanted to say I'm so glad you posted this thread. Have just been thorugh a small version of what you describe, wanting to explain and justify and making people understand wha happened. Have been lucky with support here, just got sucked into email conversation with rl person. The stress when checking my inbox and being called inconsistent, facetious and bullying when trying to defend myself.
Sorry, don't want to hijack your thread, thank you for bringing it up! And for the good weblinks.

Hi turbochildren sorry to hear you have been through the same sort of thing. It's horrid. But thanks for sharing, because without sounding horrible. It's nice to feel that I'm not totally alone, and I'm not the only one who has let something like this upset them. I don't wish this feeling on anyone. But I have heard ALOT of people telling me, not to worry it doesn't matter, she's not important etc etc but it still hurts. More so because I've allowed her to make me feel, how HE used to make me feel.

Old habits die hard! I suppose.

i actually applaud you for opening up, its the first steps towards getting your confidence. ignore the trollhunters, unfortunately you get them on every forum especially those that recruit members as admin/ mods such as AB, they do it to feel important and to be the 'hero' but in the meantime they accuse innocent ppl such as yourself.

it takes alot to share such awful experience, albeit beneficial to you. dont stop cos of a few bullies xx

Nannyof2rebels, I hope you didn't think I was being unsympathetic to your on line trauma. HONESTLY, I am. My psychotherapist asked me 'why do you judge yourself so harshly' and I realised although I didn't say it, that I was defending myself against the accusations of this one internet bully who was very critical of me for years. It was on a smaller forum, on the single parent baord, so it was a smaller environment if you like. Even though nobody else was judging me and criticising me the way this toxic person did, I got into this default position of explaining every decision /action/ choice all the time . psychotherapist was trying to get to the bottom of why i felt the need to do that. I felt that it was this particular internet bully's fault. The ironic thing is he has a sort of following. A lot of not very clever people think 'oh he says it like it is' and until he turns on them they say 'he gives good advice'. So I get it, honestly! it wasn't just the 8 years with my x that had me in psychotherapy! it was the years i wasted arguing with that toxic fucker as well.

I mean, even in my real life I had got into the default habit of defending every choice/action/decision to people. They hadn't even asked why I was renting not buying, or working full-time not part-time, or, you name it whatever it was, I would offer my justification , my thought processes .... I had to defend my decisions all the time. This man was responsible for that. I had that tendency, but he made it worse. FOR A WHILE. I don't do it anymore.

Oh gosh, Singlebelle, you sound like me. I agree Nancy, It's good to know one is not alone in behaving like that. It really drags you in though, it feels like "if I just manage to explain it properly, surely they'll see I did the best I could". It's not working like that at all, I will visit that website Singlebelle linked to many more times!
It does so mess with your head. I found myself wondering what personality disorder I had, or maybe it was Adult ADD? For sure, there are tendencies in many directions, but luckily I have family who also help me to see things straight.
Just want to say again how brave of you to share online. It is doubly cruel of people to then cast doubt on your experiences, after what your x said and did to you. I hope you get all the support you need, as he is wrong and most people do believe you. Sadly, the truth is often worse than what we can make up. and to you all.

Gosh how horrible, noxious cruel weirdos, getting that gleeful vindictive pleasure from bullying and kicking someone when they are down, under the guise of 'troll hunting'. Spilling over to facebook too, that revolts Me, wjo the hell do they think they are???

I'm really glad you came on here where we can compare notes if people have had similiar, and have bucket loads of empathy about how awful that is to happen.

I believe you. As does everyone else posting on this thread.

SingleBelle I didn't think you were being unsympathetic at all, so please don't think that. The websites you gave are great. Thankyou.

DoubleLife thanks for the words of support, and I couldn't agree more on your definition of people who 'Troll Hunt'. I was actually proved to be innocent, by both proving my post was still on here, and by real world friends supporting me through the other site, which they were also members of. Ridiculous people! The one who started the thread hasn't even had the decency to apologise. In fact I have probably annoyed her by not causing a fuss and drama on that site. Instead I stayed calm and proved my innocence.

Sadly off line and in the here and now, I've had a rough day. All this stuff has stirred up alot of pent up emotions. I have spent most of the day crying and thinking about how my ex made me feel, and how this on line stuff has made me doubt my own innocence. I've started back with the why didn't I leave him sooner? What sort of person let's a man beat her? Etc etc.

I'm really angry at myself for letting this online bully, get to me. On the plus side, I am starting to see that lots of people have read about my experiences and they believe me. Also since she started all this, I have really started looking at my thoughts and feelings. I'm finally trying to work through them. Rather than trying to ignore them.

So that must be a good thing. Xx

You've had a rough experience to be knocked back in this way - I'm so sorry.

You're coming through it though, using it in a positive way. That takes so much courage and I applaud you for it.

Over the years, things will get easier. You will look back at these days, be amazed at how vulnerable and hurt you were, and realise how far you've come. You will also be able to support and defend others who are going through what you are going through now. That has its own reward.

xx

I believe you.

I think the real issue, though, is that you need to believe yourself. To believe in the very core of your soul that he was wrong, that it happened and it shouldn't have, that you deserve to heal.

You may know this. But you need to believe what you know.

Nanny, whatever you write, I believe you.

jessjessjess you're spot on! I do need to believe it! I have days when I can see that I didn't deserve what happened. Because what ever reason he gave for hitting me, no one deserved to be treated the way he treated me. But other days I feel ashamed and guilty.

I have been in an odd, and emotional mood for the last few days. I have been recalling in detail, what HE did to me. I'm not sure if this is normal, or will sound weird? But I sort of forgot, how awful he was too me. When I spoke about what happened to my counsellor and friend, I told them all the really dramatic and horrid stuff. But I realise now that it wasn't just the big stuff that has affected me. It was all the little things, things that happened daily. The shove, the pinch, kick, punch and the continual put downs. I had managed to persuade myself that I had had some good times with HIM, but the truth is, I think he walked all over me from day one.

I'm struggling dealing with why I stayed with him. But I did and I can't change that. But I can try and ensure that I never find myself in the same situation. I think a big part of that is feeling that what I have to say and feel, is as important as what others have to say. I think that's why being called a liar behind my back hurt. I don't need anymore put downs, but things like this do happen and I have to learn a way of coping.

Thanks for all the replies. It has meant alot.

Xx

I'm thinking as awful as it is, it is good that you remember everything, and starting to realise that not only the big things count. Don't find it weird, as sure many others have sort of flashbacks like that too. Do you also dream about it? I do, and it is not nice, but at least I wake up and he's gone.
I know it's recommended a lot, so you may have read it already, but Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft is a great help. I read it a couple of weeks ago, and will just start it again now. He never blames the one suffering the abuse, and it is such a huge relief. To not be called a codependent or enabler or stuff like that, though I'm sure it has it place sometimes.
What you are feeling and what you have to say is definitely as important as anyone else, most definitely. You have a right to talk, tell and be heard. Lots of people here are willing to listen and accept you are telling the truth. I believe you.

Nanny: some people are fortunate and have good partners who treat them well and have few problems in their lives, and some of them do not understand that others have lives that are far different.

They refuse to believe that some peoples lives are full of crap.
So if they don't believe you , then you must be lying (they think).

Ignore them, you are better than them

Best wishes to you

Thank you turbochildren and FarBetterNow for the positive thoughts. FBN I think your exactly right! Some people manage to go through life without anything bad ever happening to them. Lucky them. Sadly that's not the same for all of us.

Although sometimes I wish it was. Although having said that, if not going through all this turned me into a judgmental person like the ones who spoke behind my back. Then I will stick with who I am. I might of been walked all over by my ex, but I am a kind, caring, loving and empathetic person. Which in my books, makes me 100x better than them.

Xx