Just asked dh for a seperation!!!!

[adozenroses]

Had a huge row with dh last night over him cleaning out the cat litter box. I just snapped at him, and he feels I over-reacted, but it's his laziness that bothers me more - and this was what the arguement was really about. I'm currently a SAHM and keep the house clean; kids happy; and I always make him nice food. This week though, I have been sick and struggling to do anything really. Yet, he comes home from work and doesn't even cook tea!!! He just assumes I will do everything. He can't even manage to make a cup of tea, without trying to get me to do it!!!

This just seems to be something else to add to the long list of what is wrong, and this morning I told dh I wanted to seperate!!

He never tries to sort an arguement out or try and make me feel better. I have complained so many times about how I don't feel he loves me anymore. He says he does, but never shows me in any way that this is true. Our sex life is a joke, really. There is no romance or passion between us, so sex is very mundane really - and very rarely enjoyable!! We actually went out at the weekend with some friends, and one of his friends came on to me all night. Dh didn't seem to notice - and wasn't too interested when I told him the next day - but I actually enjoyed it. I liked having someone treat me special.

He won't go for counselling for our relationship and certainly wont discuss our sex life in front of a stranger.

Is there any way we can put passion and romance back in our relationship - or is it too late??? I have felt like there hasn't been passion for a few years now. I'm only 28 and I don't think I like the thought of never feeling romance or passion again

Sorry this is long and probably mixed up - I'm just feeling mixed up today!!!

What did he say when you asked him for a separation?

He said nothing really. He reckons this is all I want. When in fact, I have tried talking to him about how our relationship seems to be getting worse. It's just like talking to a brick wall.

He did say we can try and talk later - but I know this won't happen!!

Do you think he was taking you seriously or just thought you were speaking in the heat of passion?

not sure. I just want something to change between us. The thought of the passion and romance being lost forever is bothering me - and I can't find a way of fixing it.

men are like dogs - you have to tell them what to do. they need nstructions. you have to be clear - there can be no assumptions, they don't do nuances. they dont always notice the little things.

so if you want assion why not sit im down and say - sex it boring, how about a vibrator, massage oil, chocolate sauce, gimp mask - whatever floats your boat.

let face it - fellas could stick their cock in a hole in the wall and get off - so if you want your sex life to be better you have to do something about it - be proactive.

regaring houshold chores. draw up a list - make it abundantly clear - he does cat litter, he cooks wednesday thursday and sunday, he does washing on a tuesday.

and when he comes in from work and your cooking tea as a gesture of love he will make you a brew. and then you will alternate it from there on.

on a sunday you will get a lie in
on a saturday he will get a lie in
on a sunday its family day - you will think of stuff to do together
either play a board game, take a walk, go the sports centre
go swimming
read books
wehatever
bike ride - i love going for bike rides

tell him you want to be wanted. that he must compliment you from time to time.

flowers or a present occassionally would be nice - so tell him to keep it in mind.

tell him that when someone comes on to you - you want him to be a caveman. "UG woman MINE"

i like the cave man as long as its in proportion.

some women dont i get that - but i like to think i still have a je ne sais qua - and that he sees that i do

hope this helps

i find after sun lotion is as good as any massage oil - and the freakyness of sommat different is bound to excite anyway.

custardo that is good advice!

(Especially "men are like dogs - you have to tell them what to do":))

custardo ,that is very helpful. I'm gonna sit down with him later and try and talk things through. Although I'm not too hopeful that it will change anything as I've been through this before and he promises to try harder - buy flowers etc - but he never does it. He didn't even get me anything for mothers day.

I think I just filled his mothers place when he left home and married me.

a week before my birthday i danced around the fron room - a wild dance of dancing danciness. "its my birthday in a week its my birthday in a week, if i dont get owt and gonna be pissed"

i had a nice birthday

Hi, sadly I felt like you a dozenroses, then ended up having an affair which shocked the living daylights out of my DH. 6 months on, he has been making a sustained massive effort, but that because he wanted me to stay and saw how inbalanced things were, and how frustrated/angry I was.

Would not recommend this course of action (risky, hurtful and very damaging to both people), however it was the poker up the arse that got things to change!

Good luck

Funny you should say that about sun lotion,custardo. The smell of it always gives DH the horn.

any update?

any update

any update

any update

Sorry Custardo, have not been online in a couple of days - been ill!!

I tried to talk to dh...he wants to fix things between us, but just clams up whenever we talk. He is willing to try counselling - which is a major step for him, so I will look into it this week.

We are also talking about taking a weekend break to spend a bit of time together - maybe put the romance back in our marriage.

I think the main point is we are both going to try harder - and I'm gonna start giving him explicit instructions on jobs to do around the house.

just seen this and thought custardo's advice was spot on, SOOOO true about telling him what you want from him. Don't be a martyr, always tell him rather than expecting him to know or guess...if you want that sort of relationship it will be with a woman!!!!!

And wanted to add, try not to look too far ahead..it's tempting to project your current feelings and situation on to the future (as you say about never feeling romance or passion again). Just because you feel like that now does not mean you will forever, so that's no reason to end a relationship...

wishing you the very best of luck, well done for trying to sort it.

i have done everything you guys are advising...i have told him how i feel and why i am so unhappy.

we drew up a list of chores that need to be done and by whom.

Nothing has changed

i am still working part time (about the same number of hours as him) but i am also still doing all the childcare, laundry, housework, shopping etc and i just can't go on like this.

For months i have been trying so hard to make everything ok (for the sake of our 3 children) but i just can't be bothered any more.

What is the first step? He works from home so trying to get him to lkeave would mean making him jobless virtually but i can't stay in this situation

Can anyone offer me any advice?

not sure I'm the one for advice but wanted to say how sorry I am that things haven't picked up. What does he say about the things he is not doing, when he doesn't do them? I mean, if you say "can you go food shopping tonight?" what does he say? I am just interested in how he justifies to himself NOT doing any of this stuff!

really feel for you though shiny, hope someone comes along with advice....

the one thing that does occur to me is that if you do split then you will definitely be doing all of the childcare and housework alone for the forseeable future....is he really of no input or use whatsoever? What is he like with your kids?

he is very untidy and the children ( 7, 5 and 2)are starting to tell me they can leave their stuff wherever because daddy does.

If i ask him to do something, i get either "i'm busy" or "in a minute". It then gets left.

I tried this on him this morning (he asked me to get him a pair of socks because he couldn't be bothered) and i said "in a minute" and just stayed sitting down. He asked me again and i said the same thing. Then i told him why i was doing it (ie because he does it to me) and he stormed off!

He isn't even a great father either...the children get the "in a minute" bit too. He won't do bath and bed or story because "it's women's work". He doesn't take them to the park "doesn't have time". and on it goes

I get the kids up, do breakfast, make packed lunches atc while trying to sort washing and dishwasher out. I go to work (the school my older 2 go to)and come back just after 1pm.

i then make lunch and spend a bit of time with the 2 yr old before picking up from school. I then do the homework/reading and tea time.

i do bed/bath and stuff and then come down and tidy the house/do the washing and ironing. Weekends are spent with me trying to change beds, do the house work, do the shopping and trying to keep the children entertained.

I am so tired and just can't be bothered any more

Is he depressed?he sounds it!

I'd have a big chat with him about the things that are bothering you. If he won't do that, it's a choice between counselling or leaving, frankly. Your situation sounds completely untenable, and your children are learning from your DH how they should treat you ... not a good situation for anyone.

he isn't depressed....he spends too much time doing his own thing!

He spends up to 20 hours a week playing tennis (for fun) which leaves very little time/energy for me and the children

i feel so resentfull that i just don't want him anywhere near me...i always try to be asleep before he comes to bed as i don't wasnt the confrontation of me turning him down all the time.

I have told him "that he will get more of what he wants when i get more of what i want" but he sees that as emotional blackmail. I see it as having a bit of control over something in this relationship....it about the only area i so have some control! :(

Oooh,I know this one!I"ll quote a cartoon of mine again,woman stands by chasm with placard"no love no sex"man on other side of chasm"no sex no love"Mars and venus again!!!I am very bitter re men at present so go get the pinch of salt,men expect sex as a "right"which to me smacks of legalised prostitution.They "provide"financially,so your supposed to "put out"however knackered,resentful,disollusioned etc....you are.They can be so thick im amazed the species survives![smole]

SMOLE??!!Doh.

oh dear shiny...I hope there aren't many men out there who still think bath bed and story are women's work! how depressing to think of all he is missing out on through this attitude.

Would he come to relate with you? Counselling can often really help because you both get a chance to air your views and really LISTEN to eachother without the storming off that men so often do. Personally, when there are kids involved I could not live with myself if I had not at least given this a go. I would present it in a very even handed light - not "I can't stay with you unless..." more "I think we both need to talk and listen to eachother for once and I think we can do it at counselling, will you try it?"

Be positive when you put it to him and choose a time when you are not feeling like strangling him and see how it goes? Also be open minded - are there things you do that you could change as well? None of us are perfect!

I always like to think there is hope. After all you chose eachother and chose to have 3 kids together - there has to be something there?