Can I really expect any more at 35 with 3 children??? (long, sorry)

[itsn0tmeitsyou]

When I was 19 I had the most intense, romantic, lustful and loving relationship, but it ended when I was 20 primarily because my insecurity meant that I didn?t believe he would never want someone else, and was incredibly jealous and possessive. I was utterly heartbroken, and literally felt chest pain when I cried about it. I could still cry about it if I let myself. I am 35 now.
A year later I met my current partner and we have been together for 14 years. At the time, I didn?t necessarily think it was my ?final? relationship, I didn?t feel the same attraction and certainly not the same intensity, but over time I did love him in a very ?safe? way, and we enjoyed our twenties together and did a lot, lived abroad, and generally, had full lives. It nagged at me in the background that I had ?settled? for this and there was not enough romantic love in the relationship from my side, but he loved me, I felt that strongly, and that felt like enough after the destructiveness of my first relationship. I felt I could not be broken by this relationship.
We now have 3 children, 6, 3, 15m, and life is a struggle, in terms of coping with the demands of the children (number 3 is a difficult one), financially (I am a sahm), and our time together is limited (he is retraining and studying for professional exams most evenings, and has been for 4 years now), and not particularly good quality. We are both so tired as our children sleep poorly that sex is pretty much off the agenda, and has been for years. He still wants to, sometimes, but I simply don?t feel attracted to him anymore, and I am fairly convinced he is no longer attracted to me. Since the basis of our relationship was that I at least felt that he loved me and needed me, his ?switching off? of that has caused me to feel the relationship has nothing left anymore.
But we have three children and I can?t bear the idea of them having to deal with us breaking up.
Then I consider my own life, and feel devastated that I will never feel wanted again, or feel real lust (that I can act on) again. I feel that time is ticking on, but at 35 I know that I am still young(ish) and it might be possible to find love. But then I think that is just not going to happen. I was voluptuous before I had children, now I am just fat. I have 3 young children. I am a sahm and sacrificed my career for that, which I would do again to be with my children, but it has restricted my options massively. We are not married, so I have no idea how that works in terms of financial support, though I trust that he would not let me down in that regard. Do men really want someone with all that, even if I did lose weight and find some confidence?? Am I better just putting up with this life? When I met him I was a graduate from a top university, with a successful job, and was pretty attractive. I feel like my life has disappeared down the drain, and there?s no way back.
I had a dream last night that someone wanted to hold my hand. When I think about that, I feel a real physical sensation and pull on my loins (just for hand-holding, for christ?s sake) and as a result have been weeping all day?

Thank you for reading this far, any advice appreciated.

I should add that he is a fantastic dad and a pretty supportive partner.

You sound depressed really, and bored and low in confidence (sorry if that's stating the obvious). I think the trouble is - a lusty fling isn't really the answer when you feel like that. I think you need to maybe try a few things - go to the GP?? Read up about getting back to work - and finding out what's out there for you. I think it's very easy to look back with rose tinted specs (I too had a passionate fling at about 18/20 and was also needy and insecure - nothing's ever been quite like that since - but nor would I want it to, to be quite frank - all that angst and passion - too much like hard work!!!)

I wouldn't spend your time worrying about finding love and whether things will or won't work out with your dh - I would spend time on YOU and working out what you need to make you happy. I think if you do that, love will more likely come you way, whether that's with your partner or another man. (Because I think it's confidence and happiness that's attractive, and much less to do with physical appearance)

Agreeing largely with the above I also think you sound depressed. Not in the clinical sense necessarily, just in the sense of feeling life has passed you by, you're not achieving your potential and that your options are limited. A mid-life crisis even. I think, rather than focusing too much on this 'handsome prince' fantasy to hold your hand & whisk you away from it all, you probably need to start closer to home. Start with yourself... what can you do to make yourself feel better about yourself, your appearance, the life you have, your job prospects, your place in society etc? Then talk to your partner honestly about your feelings and about the future. It sounds a lot like you've used him up to now, this safe bet of a man, and that's not fair. If there's a chance it could work, make an effort and go for it, but if it's not working there's no point staying together just for the sake of it.

All of the above takes courage and the determination that life will change for the better. Could mean disruption and will certainly involve some work but I think it's the only way forward.

Thank you for your replies, I really appreciate you taking the time.

I do sound depressed in that post, and I am today, but I'm not every day. I am naturally quite a positive person and don't expect perfection. I do have other interests and life away from the children, even though I don't work, and am not particularly worried about getting back to work in a year or so when the youngest is at an age where I feel able to leave him, although I appreciate that last probably overly dramatic bit about my life down the drain might have sounded like that.

CogitoErgoSometimes what you said about my using him was quite stark, but justified - for the first couple of years of our relationship I felt that too, and felt guilty, but then I realised I really did love him deeply, and we were happy, and the lack of spark didn't seem to matter too much .... but now that lack of spark has become a total absence of spark I don't know if living a full life in all other ways, but without desire, is enough.

MagicHouse, similarly, I do know what makes me happy, and often I am happy in myself/by myself, but then we either bicker or fight, or there is simply some event or conversation that makes it obvious he just doesn't care about me in the way I think he should, and it makes me so unhappy that I feel I would be better off on my own, without anyone else to make me happy or unhappy.

It seems to me that what you are both saying, which may be right but I just don't feel it, is that it doesn't matter about lust and desire and sex if everything else in your life is right, but I feel that everything else is relatively right, but I also think that feeling wanted, and wanting someone, are now so important to me that that I don't know if I can live without either for the rest of my life...

"for the first couple of years of our relationship I felt that too, and felt guilty, but then I realised I really did love him deeply, and we were happy, and the lack of spark didn't seem to matter too much "

Sadly, those first couple of years might have been enough for him to start feeling ambivalent towards you just as you were feeling deep love towards him...

I also read your post and thought mid-life crisis. That phrase has come to have mocking or disparaging connotations (wrongly IMO) - I mean it in the sense that you are transitioning into the middle portion of your life, leaving youth behind and starting to think about the next part of your life. I went through this in my early forties. I had lived overseas, had several interesting careers and a number of relationships. (No kids, at that point). Despite this I found myself regretting paths not taken and decisions not made, and second guessing choices I'd made earlier in life. It was very very painful and difficult and there were no shortcuts through it, at least for me.

I suppose my point is that it isn't necessarily the content of your life that is 'causing' this (although parts of it may be contributing). It is understandable that you would feel lost and in part regretful about what has gone before. Many many people go through this. The work is to see the transition through and build towards the next phase. There is grief and anger and regret, and therapy can be very helpful with this. And then there is figuring out who you are, and what you think you want, and what you want the next part of your life to look like. You are very young at 35. It is certainly not too late for a career, if that's what you decide would interest you.

As for wanting to feel desirable again - well that's all part of it, isn't it? As others have said though, beware the knight in shining armour. You can be happy in yourself seeing yourself worshipped in another's eyes, seductive though that seems. That, like those imaginary 'paths not travelled' is another myth, a distraction that will only take you further away from yourself.

Cogito - not entirely sure whether you think you are being perceptive or trying to be mean but I'm sure you have your own reasons whichever way it is.

Hilbobaggins - thank you for your constructive and thoughtful post. You're right, and I know this, I do need to decide what I want for the next part of my life, and by and large, I do have this in place, I have my beautiful children, I have a secure home and job prospects when I am ready to return, but it is simply this one thing that I feel unsure about, and if the consensus is that I am blowing it out of proportion then that is food for thought, but it does currently seem like a big deal to give up on a sex life at the age of 35.

this guy you were so madly in love with before your husband - perhaps that is just a fantasy? he is now a short bald fat man and nothing like you remembered him! the grass is not always greener and do you have a habit of always looking elsewhere? do you always look back? you sound like youve reached a turning point but is the issue with your perspective and how you see your reality? talking about finding a new love seems very remote given the ages and demands of your children and perhaps another sign that you might be 'living in your own world' and not necessarily the one that really exists. perhaps this romantic love you are looking for was in front of you all along and perhaps you need to start with loving yourself - good luck

Hi babadabadoo. You're probably right about the first guy.

I think I may have overcomplicated this post in any event, and no, I don't think the grass is always greener, but yes, I do have a tendency to look back and sentimentalise the past.

I'm not necessarily trying to find a new love. If I could ignite some passion with DH that would be the best thing. I still love him, just we're more like BFs or family, no sexual chemistry. I can't imagine that changing, but if anyone knows a way to do that, I'm all ears.

I think the dream is so sad it is so obviously a subconscious playing out of how much you long to just feel that connection and desire. I don't think it matters when you mett teh right person tbh You aren't too old and are in a fairly bog standard humdrum relationship which will never fulfil you. I would consider a separation and see what come of that.

I think, given all that you potentially have to lose, your first step should be to work on your marriage. It sounds as if you've had an incredibly tough few years as a couple, and its no wonder its put a strain on the relationship. How much longer does your husband have to study for his career? Do you have any babysitters available to allow couple time, or the chance to have a proper evening together at home once the kids are in bed? Sex is vital to any marriage, imo, but it takes time and energy - two things in short supply with small kids! I wonder if some of your feeling of regret is really about life before children... the sense of freedom and the limitless potential of life, and the opportunity to have sex in the living room at 2 in the afternoon should the urge take you! Or maybe I'm just projecting?

You seem to have rose-tinted (and self-blaming) glasses on re the long-lost boyfriend.If you felt insecure and jealous at the time, there were probably reasons for that.

If there is no sexual attraction at all, it's been ages and you don't think you can get it back (rather than you're both struggling in a difficult situation and don't have enough time together) could you both be OK in a sexless relationship? Or would it be better to live apart?

On a practical issue, the fact that you are not married and a SAHM makes you financially vulnerable should you break up. Your DP would have to pay maintenance for the DC, but unless you have legal agreements in place or things in your name you wouldn't be entitled to shares of savings, house, maintenance for you, pension etc. So if you decide to separate, you might want to seek legal and benefits advice in preparation.

Hi OP i think your feelings are not unusual plus you are a sahm. This in itself can be incredibly isolating and some days frankly tedious. Although perhaps none of this applies to you. Whatever the case I think taking care of young children is draining and I think it always falls to the woman despite the mans best efforts. What does your husband think about all of this?

Sounds to me like you are done in......

Get rid of the kids for a night, then eat, laze on the sofa, have an early night and get some solid, unbroken sleep and just relax, no studying, no kids, no nothing, no sex - unless the urge is overwhelming :) Just chill.

Get exercising, literally get yourself moving again, even if it's just brisk walking with the little ones in the stroller, then see about getting a job again, do something part time, elevate yourself worth, your self esteem.

I would second what cronullansw said. Your youngest isn't even 2 yet and from what I gather you are doing the lion's share of housework and childcare even during evenings because of your OH's studying.
I was in your position -sort of- 2 years ago. Then I forced myself (and it was bloody hard) to get more organised. DD2 started nursery 2 days a week so I could take a job for those days. Not financially lucrative by well worth it for me- self esteem rose, I met new people, could go to the loo on my own and meet friends for a quick coffee during lunch break.

Now things are much better between OH and me- not perfect but we're back to being loving towards each other and appreciative of what the other does.

Hope you get through this- the ages of your DCs are really hard! Be kind to yourself.

Hi thanks for further posts, all much appreciated.

Noddyholder, yes, I agree, the dream is just that, and it seemed so real and vivid which is what affected me so much today.

CaptainCalamari I totally agree - I have everything to lose, really, and when you balance it just against sex, it seems ridiculous. So I look at it all 'rationally' and decide I'm being selfish/greedy/expecting too much and try to just get on with things, which is fine, until something happens to remind me that a life without sex or desire is not what I feel I would want for the rest of my life. I have felt like this for at least 18 months now, but the signs were there a few years ago, but after our second child was born we had a golden patch (which led to DC3...) and since then life has become so difficult with sleep and the children that it has gone past a tipping point, it seems to me.

babadabadoo You are right being a SAHM can be boring and isolating on some days, and on others you know you are doing the best thing in the world, so on the harder days it's easier to feel sorry for yourself, which is how it is today. Other days I'll bounce back, but the underlying problem will still be there.

Dozer you are right re the practical issues and it is a big concern. But I think I would be ok ultimately when I go back to work so I don't feel that is the overriding problem.

DP and I have talked about this as frankly with each other as we can, and have discussed separating, but both of us desperately don't want to do that for the sake of the children, or actually, each other, as we do still love each other, but it's just the sex that's gone, and come up with strategies to try to make it work and get things back on track. We haven't tried couples counselling, partly as we simply don't have any family support for babysitting (well, maybe 3 times a year) and would feel we would have to tell our families if they needed to do something like that, which we don't want to do, but also partly because we do feel able to be pretty honest with each other so are not sure what a third party would bring to it. Also, going back to the 'golden patch' I referred to earlier, when things were for some reason quite easy, both children at the time were sleeping, life seemed pretty good, and some of our 'old selves' came back. DP feels that we need to be patient through this hard time in our lives and then things will be ok when he's not studying intensively and we're getting sleep, and money is not so tight when I'm working again etc. and perhaps he's right, though what I was trying to say in my original post, probably badly, was that this was a relationship that I came into from a sideways direction in a way, I did not fall for him, but the love grew from my side as we went along, I never had those initial fireworks or romantic spark that perhaps means that on some level you will always 'fancy' someone. Since this is only my second serious relationship I have no idea but I have an assumption, which may be completely wrong, that if you fancy someone in the first place, even if you're really pissed off with them/or life is really getting you down, you will still feel that when time's are good.

Wrote that before the last two posts - cronullansw I have been exercising quite a lot recently. Still don't feel like having sex :)

biscuitsareme really glad things got better for you. You don't elaborate as to how our situations were similar but if it's lack of sex life, then getting better, that's would be reassuring as I currently don't know if there's a way back.

It is interesting that you sabotaged your previous relationship. It seems that your self esteem issues are getting in your way. Maybe you feel unworthy of love? A lot of my friends (and me) hit a certain age and thought "is this it, really?" the hand holding dream is sad, is there any reason that your DP cannot be that hand holder? You love each other. Maybe try starting again - romance, dating etc. Agree to remove sex from the agenda. Be with each other, spend time. Not easy with 3 kids I know but even if it is just sleeping in front of the telly together, holding hands. Also, there may be a medical reason for your lack of libido. Have you been to the doctor?
Actually, reading your last post makes me think - good. You have got the strong foundations needed to keep going. You sound as if your relationship is solid and the tiredness of 3 kids and real life is a major factor. Concentrate on your future, DP will be finished studying, kids are older - time for you both then. Boy, will you deserve it too!

musickeepsmesane The hand holder in the dream - it's embarrassing really, it was a guy I picked something up from I bought on ebay (!) - but even in the dream I couldn't believe he was trying to initiate something with me and I could feel the physical magnetism, so I suppose I do still have self-esteem issues re attractiveness, yes.

I think our relationship could get better than it is now. Things are pretty rough at the moment with lack of sleep/quality time together, bickering and irritability as a result. But I don't think I will magically start fancying him. I realise this is entirely my fault for staying in a relationship through my twenties that was working because it had no pressure on it, and life was exciting, living/working abroad, lots of holidays, etc., but I always knew deep down I didn't really fancy him, but I think I assumed that would become less important to me as I got older. That's not happening.

Also, it's possible you are right about going to the doctor re lack of libido, but I am cringing at the conversation!! Doctor doctor please can I have a prescription for sex pills !!

Doc will probably do the usual tired all the time checks. Thyroid, iron stuff like that. Mostly though, you probably need to eat/drink well and find some you time. Easier said than done I know.

Your comment about magically starting to fancy him. You are quite right. It will take hard work to get back on track as a sexual couple. It may never happen. It comes across to me that you are willing to try. I think most relationships suffer from tiredness and the general grind and repetitiveness of parenting. We can lose ourselves in our kids. You sound caring, intelligent and thoughtful. I hope things work out for you.

Musickeepsmesane - thanks for your post, just seen it. Cheers me up that there are people out there willing to give advice and support to a complete stranger. Thank you all.

I agree with some of the others that suggest this is possibly down to a midlife crisis of sorts. I am also 35 and in a very diffeerent situation to you but the last couple of years I seem to have been having a midlife crisis of my own - particularly since hitting 35. It has out a different perspective on things and I have begun to re-evaluate my own life: feel that I have not reached my potential, questioning my worth and psonal relationships, and thinking about what the future will bring. this has been quite a gloomy situation for several months for myself but I am seeing some benefits - I think it is good to question things in this way.

I also think you have a lot of stress in your life and it is no wonder that you have lost some of the spark. You must be exhausted and it is no wonder that you have both gone off sex. I think it is natural for passion to fade during times of stress and there is no reason why you can't get it back again. Speaking from experience, the less sex you have , the less you want it... It becomes a cycle, and leads to less and less sex in the future. You also sound like you are suffeering from body issues.... Maybe if you were to lose some weight you would feel better about yourself and feel more in the mood... I know if I don't feel attractive then I am definately not in the mood to get naked.

I agree with other posts that say you are perhaps looking back with rose-tinted glasses and it would be a shame if this led to you splitting up, unless you tackled some of the above issues and was completely sure that you no longer wanted to be together. Hope you can be happy whatever you decide - good luck!

OP, do you really believe that had you stayed with the first 'dream of your life' that now, with 3 exhausting DCs, and being a SAHM, you would still be lustful and romantic, especially as that relationship was only for a year or so?
I'm sure things would have moved on by now.

And what is glaringly missing form your posts is your DP's views - on your marriage, you, him, his life, his hopes for the future.

The easy option for you, or anyone feeling down, and that life is passing them by, is for a dream prince to appear on the scene and rekindle your lust, passion and excitement for life. But how many dream princes are there out there.

Much harder is to find the determination and confidence to go out in the world and find a rewarding future for yourself through work, exercise, embarking on a new career etc and hopefully taking your DP with you on your new endeavour. But that is a longterm solution, not a quick fix.

ClarryG ^ do you really believe that had you stayed with the first 'dream of your life' that now, with 3 exhausting DCs, and being a SAHM, you would still be lustful and romantic, especially as that relationship was only for a year or so?
I'm sure things would have moved on by now.^

I really don't know. That's why I'm asking, I guess. I think it was probably clumsily put in the first post as I was quite upset, but what I was trying to get at what that I have had experience of an albeit relatively short-lived lustful relationship, and I have my experience of a not-very-lustful relationship, which has now dwindled to virtually no sexual contact and no real desire. I don't know how people feel who started their relationships as a fireworks-type couple, so I'm trying to find out. Is it naïve to expect to still feel real physical attraction and desire for the same person after 14 years, do people still have that, despite any other problems in their relationships?

Of course, we have a few general problems in our relationship, (MIL, for example) but we both realise no one has a perfect relationship and we're never going to not argue - and actually, I think arguing is to a certain extent healthy, as at least it shows you still care. But caring, loving, having fun together, etc. all of that is good, but I am just feeling more and more as I go through my thirties that the rest of my life without physical desire is a bleak thought. Of course, there are much bleaker thoughts in the world, so most days I just accept that I have a good life generally and push it aside, but I just don't know if I want to be sitting in my rocking chair at 75 and thinking, the last time I really experienced intense sexual desire was when I was 20...

As I did say in a previous post, DP and I have discussed this relatively openly, and I have stated his view that it's the tiredness and stress that's the underlying problem, which he thinks will pass. But I don't know. I think love, or the foundation of a relationship, can be chipped away at by bad stuff, like rows about MIL, or bickering and general irritability, and if it's not re-built back as much as you've chipped off (through good times, sex, day-to-day caring gestures etc.), then that foundation stone gradually gets smaller and smaller, which is how I currently feel.

I agree with MillyMollyMandy about the downward spiral. If you get out of the habit for too long it becomes hard to actually imagine doing it anymore, or to stop yourself flinching from an unexpected touch...

I also generally agree with you MillyMolly that this age is a turning point - you have to kind of decide stuff now, while you're still young enough to have choices, but old enough to know that time is ticking fast...

A few people have been quite critical of my post. I understand that, I wish i'd written it differently, I'm certainly not trying to sound like I want perfection or think a handsome prince will whisk me off my feet - but no one has really answered the actual question - is a relationship without physical desire, even if all other things are fine in the relationship and we even start having sex again, a life that most people would find acceptable??