When I was 19 I had the most intense, romantic, lustful and loving relationship, but it ended when I was 20 primarily because my insecurity meant that I didn?t believe he would never want someone else, and was incredibly jealous and possessive. I was utterly heartbroken, and literally felt chest pain when I cried about it. I could still cry about it if I let myself. I am 35 now.
A year later I met my current partner and we have been together for 14 years. At the time, I didn?t necessarily think it was my ?final? relationship, I didn?t feel the same attraction and certainly not the same intensity, but over time I did love him in a very ?safe? way, and we enjoyed our twenties together and did a lot, lived abroad, and generally, had full lives. It nagged at me in the background that I had ?settled? for this and there was not enough romantic love in the relationship from my side, but he loved me, I felt that strongly, and that felt like enough after the destructiveness of my first relationship. I felt I could not be broken by this relationship.
We now have 3 children, 6, 3, 15m, and life is a struggle, in terms of coping with the demands of the children (number 3 is a difficult one), financially (I am a sahm), and our time together is limited (he is retraining and studying for professional exams most evenings, and has been for 4 years now), and not particularly good quality. We are both so tired as our children sleep poorly that sex is pretty much off the agenda, and has been for years. He still wants to, sometimes, but I simply don?t feel attracted to him anymore, and I am fairly convinced he is no longer attracted to me. Since the basis of our relationship was that I at least felt that he loved me and needed me, his ?switching off? of that has caused me to feel the relationship has nothing left anymore.
But we have three children and I can?t bear the idea of them having to deal with us breaking up.
Then I consider my own life, and feel devastated that I will never feel wanted again, or feel real lust (that I can act on) again. I feel that time is ticking on, but at 35 I know that I am still young(ish) and it might be possible to find love. But then I think that is just not going to happen. I was voluptuous before I had children, now I am just fat. I have 3 young children. I am a sahm and sacrificed my career for that, which I would do again to be with my children, but it has restricted my options massively. We are not married, so I have no idea how that works in terms of financial support, though I trust that he would not let me down in that regard. Do men really want someone with all that, even if I did lose weight and find some confidence?? Am I better just putting up with this life? When I met him I was a graduate from a top university, with a successful job, and was pretty attractive. I feel like my life has disappeared down the drain, and there?s no way back.
I had a dream last night that someone wanted to hold my hand. When I think about that, I feel a real physical sensation and pull on my loins (just for hand-holding, for christ?s sake) and as a result have been weeping all day?
Thank you for reading this far, any advice appreciated.