Have you ever left a GREAT guy? Your stories appreciated please?!

[daisychains123]

Hello Everyone,

Please can you share your experiences with me if you have decided to leave a great guy?!
What reasons did you have? How long did it take you before you finally broke it off? Was it the right decision in the end?!

I have been with my partner for over 10 years. I have constantly questioned our relationship, I think the main reason I do this is because I met him too young.
I have wanted to TTC for a couple of years now, but I don?t because I can?t be sure that he is ?The one?.
Sometimes I get very close to leaving. Although reading on here or hearing about other people?s relationships elsewhere, makes me feel that I should be grateful for having a great guy, because on this site there are tonnes of stories about people with lazy, selfish, abusive, unfaithful men etc

My partner is not perfect and I am not looking for perfection. I just want to be happy. I do have stages of not questioning things & just enjoying the now, but I am back to feeling the need to decide.

Please share your stories with me if you have chosen to end a good healthy relationship?

Thank you x

Haven't read the whole thread but have you tried a temporary break ? It's so hard to see clearly when you're in the relationship.
I never thought I'd be happy again after leaving a boyfriend but recovered slowly and found DH and so happy. And if it goes the other way and you just long to get back together, then at least you know

I think the problem might be you, not the guy.

I recognise that feeling of loneliness when you're hanging out with your loved one and instead of having a great time, the relationship seems anchored to some sadness or inadequacy. I don't know if your current DP is a good match for you, obviously. But I have come to my own conclusions about that 'there's no sparkle!' feeling.

1. When you're ready to settle down - as in emotionally and practically ready - things about a relationship come into focus that have little to do with romance. Reliability, generosity of spirit, courage, transparency, love for you... These are all things that you probably have right now but don't know how to value. You may think you do, but the illustration you give about DP's limitations, (not very entertaining) suggests that you don't. Society gives many conflicting messages about what makes a good partner good. I don't think there is enough communal wisdom that prioritises being 'nice'. A happy marriage is about trust, tenderness and a willingness to look at things from a different perspective.

1. If you want to hoot with laughter and be entertained by scintillating conversation, go out with your girl friends. Unless you're really lucky. A friend once said to me that you marry this tall dark mysterious stranger, only to find he's like a lake with a foot of water in it. I expect a million posters will now say that they're married to a sphinx and it's hilarious and fascinating...well, that's nice. But it's unlikely. People perform, the funnier ones perform more. I firmly believe that most people are not witty at breakfast.

If you really do want to leave and take your chances, then you should. Your DP doesn't deserve to be second best, as I'm sure you know.

Perhaps you should consider a six month break without contact. That might clarify a few of these issues.

I'm amazed at the number of people on this thread who now have DH's who give them goosebumps

I thought sexual desire dipped significantly after the 2nd year together?

I left my first love, who was a decent enough guy. He was nice but a bit of a doormat and lacked confidence. We could have easily settled and got married and felt in a safe relationship together. But that would have been a right yawnfest and I am so grateful I realised that! Our sex life was really crap, we had become friends and not lovers anymore. I figured maybe that was normal at the time, after 3 and a half years the sex dwindles yeah?

Then we broke up. Went with different people but remained friends. His gf then introduced me to my now DH. We aren't all friends anymore but we are so much happier apart. Been with DH almost 6 years now and sex is still amazing. He's a much better fit for me. Very confident, he has the balls to stand up for himself and for us.

If you are having doubts, you need to address them. Don't marry someone you aren't 100% sure about. Especially if you are bored by them.

No breaks.....

Think of the poor guy here. Ask to wait for 6 months while she decides his fate.

"Nice". God I hate that word. I have dated many nice men, and almost all of them bored me senseless. I have a pretty juvenile sense of humour, which throws most men but nice men tend to be more mature.

Then I met DP. He has almost the same sense of humour as me. In our day-to-day life there is lots of eye-rolling and sarcasm, little digs at each other...it's a game to us. And I'm happier now than I've ever been.

Nobody gets other people's relationships at first glance. If you're not happy, then go, because odds are he isn't either. Then you can find someone who grins like an idiot when they make you laugh like a hyena

I did years ago. He was my childhood sweetheart, we were together years but I felt I had met him too young and could see my entire life mapped out.

He was mad about me and successful and we even married. He also worked away for most of the year and I was often lonely which is another reason why I decided to leave. My feelings had dwindled and it seemed like the right thing to do.

Sometimes I've regretted it since, others I haven't. He still has the same job so I know the problems would still be there. You can't have it all and have to decide what you want out of life. For me I sacrificed the kind of relationship my parents had for the life experiences they missed out on by being together from such a young age.

Part of me also believed I could change my mind and have him back any time I wanted. I did waver at one point several years later and this wasn't the case.

I recently found out that he's been quite physically abusive to subsequent girlfriends since we split (citing what I 'did to him' as his excuse). So I guess you never really know someone or what they're capable of, that pretty much stops any regrets in their tracks now.

But remember all that excitement won't last forever, the first flush of a relationship will always eventually have to settle into something else. I've had many friends go through splits and then spend years trying to find someone like their ex or to recreate that relationship. Be sure you wouldn't do that.

Good luck with your choice.

Considering the other variable....that there may not be such a thing as "the right one for you." That's how I feel about it. I've known a number of women who could have made me a wonderful husband and mate. None of them were perfect, but neither am I, and I fear that waiting for "the right one" or a "soul mate" dooms people to wait for something that doesn't exist, and which makes them think that near-perfection is out there if one is simply lucky enough to bump into him or her.

I am also horrified at some of the suggestions on here that the op should take a break of 6 months to see how she feels. How would your advice differ if the op was a man deciding a woMan's fate? On this forum all a man has to is look the wrong way at their partner and their are screams of leave him.

Don't lose sight of the fact that the man is a great guy, treats the op well and he wants to be with her forever. He doesn't deserve this.

Known a number of men sorry.....!

daisy, the question is "do you love him?"

because if you do, you stop looking for another, better match for you, you know he's the one.

I don't know what to suggest you should do, but definitely don't get pregnant.

Yes, I have left a great guy, my first love, I was very young and felt trapped. I never regretted it, but felt guilty for a very long time.

mooface, yes, my dh still does that to me, after 20 years together. He is not Mr Perfect but I love him [sickicon]

littlemiss, yes, we get that you think the OP should either put up with feeling like this or dump him immediately, and in fact that you slightly disapprove of this whole conversation. Who knows, she may yet do one of those things.

You seem very invested in believing that there's no such thing as a right match (not a perfect match, note, a right one - the OP said from the start that "perfection" was not what this is about). Actually a lot of people on this thread HAVE said they are with their "right match" even though they're not perfect, so it clearly is possible, though I wouldn't like to put figures on it. So your investment in this idea is just as false as an investment in the idea that there is a "perfect partner". What is true for you may not be true for others.

Of course, it's quite possible you ARE in your right match and you just totally don't get where the OP is coming from - I don't think not sharing an interest in golf really cuts it as a serious wavelength problem.

littlemiss you said earlier, it is quite rare to find a decent guy. Absolutely! So if OP isn't all that into him should she just shrug and think, okay, I'll settle - isn't that denying her DP a bigger chance of genuine, reciprocated love and respect?

Tbh OP after 10 years if you're not feeling settled then it isn't just the 'grass is greener' syndrome. And delaying having a baby is sensible because if ever there's a time to question how strongly you feel about one another, it's before you embark on parenthood, not after.

Another poster said she and her now DH have a shared outlook on the future, maybe not the sweetest loveliest guy she's been with but they share something special. Perhaps that's the answer, it might look ideal on the surface, or it might not be picture book perfect, but when you know, you know.

Pretty much agree with quietly though I'm not into the idea of soulmates. But I do agree that when you find the right match you just know and there aren't any doubts. And you don't feel bored with them.

Similar sense of humour is important IMO. I know people have said you could just go out with your friends who share that sense of humour but I don't agree. Having a similar sense of humour and being able to laugh with your partner is one of the core elements of a relationship. You spend so much time with the person that if you don't share a similar sense of humour, things can get a bit crappy.

I still loved my first love when we broke up but more in a 'I care what happens to you' way. Went out with a couple of assholes and wondered if I had made a mistake. It SO wasn't a mistake. It's the best decision I ever made because the relationship I found with my DH is unbelievably better.

Don't settle. There are so many millions of men that the odds are you will find one who is more suited to you. Don't worry about not meeting anyone. I'm sure you will :)

I left a 'great guy' when I was 21, we had such a fantastic relationship but I genuinely felt it was too young to settle down ............... 35 years (and two marriages later ) I still regret leaving him, have no idea where he is now have tried to look for him, we don't have any mutual contacts anymore but I sometimes dream of just 'bumping into him randomly' . I wish I had trusted my heart and stayed with him - appreciate I may be looking back & only remembering the good times though.

Also, often the guy who looks good on paper and ticks all the boxes, isn't the right one. I was with a couple of different guys who ticked all my boxes on paper but something was missing. DH is different and ticks boxes I didn't even know I wanted!

He's not on Facebook ragwort?

Somebody said upstream that shared interests aren't important. They can be. I dumped a guy as all he was interested in was football. literally. he watched it constantly, played football on games consoles, all his annuAl leave was used up on football matches. he said it was more important than life or death.

We couldn't go out at weekends until he'd finished watching it.

Extreme example perhaps but interests can make or break. I could not live with that.

I think that all the comparisons aren't helping. you can't compare. you don't always know someone is right. someone in my office had her now dh run off with some ow and some back. couldn't be happier now with two lively children.

Nothing is certain least of all matters of the heart.

The op may find the one, she May end up alone forever or with a string of failed relationships. No one knows and life is like that.

People have given me a lot to consider. I will view your questions as rhetorical questions to ask myself!

Sometimes I do think the only reason I question things is because he is all I have known. Would anyone know that they have found the right guy if he came along when you were a teenager?
Or is it dating other guys & life experiences that helps you to decide?

Of course I love him, which is what makes it so difficult!

The reason I never leave him is because I always want more time with him; the years go by quickly.
I also question things because when I do start a family I want us to last forever and be happy.

It is nice to hear how many of you are in long term relationships and are happy!!

daisy, you say you love him, I think you should try to work out why you are so unsure about the relationship.

I met my dh when I was 16. We lived together before we were a couple, I was 19 then (Flatsharing).

You are never guaranteed "forever happy together". No one is.
Maybe it has nothing to do with him, but with you. Your expectations of a relationship, of happiness. Less with him being the only man in your life.

Hmmm... Put yourself in your DP's shoes. What if he started a thread on mumsnet and said, "my girlfriend and I have been together for 10 years, she can't commit to starting a family with me, she doesn't even know if she wants to leave me or not. She's kept me waiting for 6 months and I don't know what to do. She tells me she loves me, but that I am not funny enough and a bit boring. I love her to bits and I beg her to stay every time we have this conversation. Our relationship is going nowhere."

OP I had a boyfriend once who I adored, who broke my heart because he couldn't make his mind up whether he wanted to marry me or not. he would talk about marriages and babies one minute and then how we needed to go on a break the next. He couldn't really give me any reasons. It was mentally exhausting, demoralising and knocked myself confidence for six. No one can tell you if he is the one, no one can tell you if you will meet Mr Right or not. But if you aren't feeling it, you are just stringing him along. Sorry that is my opinion. You need to find out who you are first, alone I think, and let this man of yours find someone who will really love him and want to commit to him. It sounds like he deserves it.

The reason I never leave him is because I always want more time with him; the years go by quickly.

This really rings true to me. When I've thought of leaving my DH usually raging PMT based that song 'if you leave me, can I come too?' always plays in my mind - i can't imagine actually physically leaving, and if I did I'd expect him to turn up a bit later....

I know I would never leave him now because as you say life goes by fast and I don't want to be apart from him, although sometimes I do get bored, it's often a problem within myself and not anything to do with him he just cops it

I did go and sow my wild oats after a series of back-to-back relationships in my teens and twenties, before I met him, but the blokes I'd been with before the oat-sowing were all wrong for me, I can see that now.

So I can see why you're confused, he's the right one but you perhaps just want to see what else is out there.

I do know of a girl who left her partner, sowed her oats then got back together with him. Actually I know a few who've done that.

But he sounds like a good one. Maybe you just need to try making some changes first - holiday, new home, job.... something fresh?

Or stepmooster imagine if a woman wrote that post:

My bf has been with me for 10 years, won't commit to me, won't have children with me, has tried to leave.me.

Indignant screams of leave the Bastard is all we would hear

He has known how I feel for over a year now, & during the past year I have tried to end it, but he fights for me too much & wants us to stay together forever.

So he knows how she feels, he is prepared to risk her leaving, he has elected to stay.

As OP didn't say, "I am forever walking out and sleeping with other men and expect my DP to take me back every time", as far as I know she is still behaving with some decency and consideration. It's when that humanity seeps away into abuse or cheating I would say to the perpetrator, stop now and go, or tell the cheated-on partner, LTB.

Yes.

He is a good person and since marrying (twice) he has been a good dad to his four kids. But wasn't the right person for me to marry. That's all. I left him and met DH within six months.