being harrassed by an ex-group of friends over my break-up

[thisisnotanappy]

My ex-DP and I were together for 10 years. We had an age difference of 20 years, so I was 16 years old and he was 36 when we met. I met him as soon as I left school, and was persuaded by him to not take up a job that was waiting for me in Manchester after school and to go and live with him in a village in Cornwall.

While the relationship had its many good points, I feel like I lost out on 2 things over that ten years: 1. I never was able to have a career. Without having worked before and having given up the job I was qualified for, I couldn't find anything in the Cornwall countryside to do. I worked in shops for minimum wage and in work areas that I wasn't qualified in for a low salary and all money was ploughed into the rent of a house for the two of us, which which he paid half of, on his much higher salary 2. I wanted to get married and have children, but he always said no. Over the course of the ten years he said he could maybe be persuaded to get married and have them eventually, but that due to aspects of my personal development and my "selfishness" (either something he thought I was doing wrong, didn't do enough housework, didn't earn enough money, responsibilities or whatever) it wasn't possible. He pressured me a lot to make more money, but I found it very hard, as I was unable to work in jobs that I was qualified to work in, living where we were living in the middle of the countryside and being minimally qualified.

I asked him if we could move to manchester where I had many career prospects, but he said if you want this relationship to work, you stay where I need to be. I said maybe I could live there part time and he said that he wouldn't stay with me if I did that. I said maybe we need to break up then, and he said if you leave me, no-one will touch you again because you have some serious flaws that only i can put up with. I talked to ex-DP a lot about this whole thing and the feelings of frustration I was having, but he brushed them aside and told me it was my problem, my "selfishness" and "greed" yearning for a more materialistic life. In our 7th year I asked -exDP to go to relationship counselling for us to work through our problems, but he refused and continued to refuse until the end.

We became very close friends with a group of people who also used to live locally. Ex-DP used to take the piss of them a lot for being village idiots, but in my twenties I sought a lot of solace with them because they were fun and they were my social life. Some of the women I became very close to, told them everything I was feeling and thinking, we used to have the keys to each other's houses and be with each other all the time and they used to take trips with me to the bigger towns and we used to go to the bars there.

Fastforward to my 27th birthday, I suddenly realise that I have wasted my entire twenties with a man who does not want to marry me and a career that has never been given a chance to take off. One day, my body just packs up my car and drives me out of the village, leaving everything behind. I called Ex-DP and told him it was over and also went to confide in one of the close female friends in the village who - at the time - was very understanding. Ex-DP went into denial. The second night I got there I had a ONS which I felt a huge amount of guilty about and found myself drunk and crying and feeling very alone.

Two weeks after I had left and set up in Manchester in a new job, the first reaction of ex-DP and everyone else was 'you can't do this.' As in, they said I literally couldn't, that it was impossible, that it was mad, that the town in which we lived was my life, I needed to be committed or on drugs for making such a sudden move. Did I not even want to work it out with ex-DP? Was I going to abandon him like this? They were right, the village WAS my life, but I didnt want it to be.

As I had no other friends (school friends were long gone) I was weak, resigned the job, and I moved back, influenced by the pressure of them all, apologised for my impulsiveness, apologised to ex-DP, asked him to take me back, which gave even more fuel to his fire about how I wasn't coming up to scratch, how I didn't deserve marriage and kids until I had proved myself to be consistent. However, I only lasted a month - My body kept walking me out of there like a zombie. I started to get hives every time I drove back into the village.

In the end I just had to leave again, and this time it was not taken lightly. I told them all I loved them and wanted to stay friends, but I just had to make a life for myself where I could get married and have kids and have a career, but that I would come back to see them. I've been gone for six months and since then their contact with me has been very difficult.

My female friends who I was so loyal to have betrayed me, told ex-DP all the things I said about him and our sex life to them, called my parents and told them stuff I used to complain to them about them, basically they have shunned me from their lives. They won't see me, and they are now friends with my ex-DP who has sent me endless angry messages and emails and phonecalls about my "selfishness," how I have committed a fatal flaw in leaving him and how none of them will ever forgive me. He has gone crying around the village and they now all protect him and agree with him that I fucked up his/their lives for taking friendship and relationship "so lightly."

I started seeing another man about 2 months ago, one of the women from the village cottoned on to this over facebook and, by mistake, sent me an email meant for someone else talking about me. She had found out his name, his job, the registration of his car...and sent them to my ex-DP- real stalkery stuff. When I confronted her about it, she accused me of betraying my ex-DP with this other man and how I must've been "seeing him all along and taking ex-DP for a ride for 10 years." Which is obviously not true. They have invented a whole alternative story.

I have tried to go back a few times just to keep up the friendship with them all (one of them even said to me - "don't tar us all with the same brush, we ARE separate people" - but that doesn't ring true.) I get ignored when I do go. If I don't go I get messages saying "so you think you're better than us now?" If I do go, I get ignored. It's real League of Gentleman stuff...

I'm devastated by this and feel a tremendous amount of guilt. It WAS my life for 10 years. I did the village plays, catered the village fetes, babysat all their children, did fundrasiers for the village school, talked to their moody teenage kids about boyfriends etc. We were all so close-knit. Ex-DP is saying that I have wasted 10 years of his life and is telling everyone I have left a "poor old man alone." But I gave him the best years of my life! And if he had been prepared to compromise with me needing to develop, needing something to change, I would've stayed. But no-one is willing to hear my explanation.

This would be different if it was just me and one other person (my ex-DP) wrangling over a break-up, but I now feel I am working against a crowd of people who all think the same thing and all hate me.

I suppose I just want you to tell me:

1. what you all think of this and what I should do now

2., whether you think I could've done anything differently

1. how I can get rid of this guilt?

Well done for leaving! You are a brave woman, having not known anything different for so long and being put down by this guy so often, you clearly have a strong mind and will.
Everything will turn out fine. Forget these people and only look into the future.

I bet some of these small-minded "friends" have not even been over the Tamar - just leave them all to their insular little lives and go and live your life in the big "up-country" world.

Well done OP for taking control of your life! You have seen these people for who they really are.

Well done for having the strength of character to leave OP, a great future is ahead of you. Keep moving forward and do not look back. The past is to learn from only.

I think with all the others, delete, block from fb, change numbers etc. do not contact again.

Wrt what could you have done differently, honestly, the answer is nothing, my DH is 19 years older than me, i met him when I was 18, he didnt want more children (one ds from previous relationship) and wasn't keen on marriage it was ok for me at 18, not so when I was 25 as I'd changed, he married me :) and the reason I'm up right now is our ten week old dd just needed a feed. Finally, we earn similar money, me just edging out after a promotion last week, however my role may be changing to about five pay grades (and shed loads more responsibility higher) I'd love it, but realise it will have an impact at home, DH hasn't demanded I don't do it, or its not fair, we've talked seriously about him in a few years going part time and picking up the school runs etc if my earning capacity enables him to reduce it. I guess what I'm showing is,even though the age difference are similar, they can work, but my DH isn't a abusive controlling arse, he's a fab man who's just young at heart and we work together.

Well done on getting out, I feel now at thirty I'm having the best years in front of me.

Manchester Women's Aid run a great course called Moving On, which is about exactly that. I think it would be a great help to deal with what happened and how you want to live your life from now on. Give them a call, tell them what you explained in your OP and see if they have space on the next one.

You brave, brave, wonderful lady.

These people are not worth your time.

I would suggest going to the police, or at least saying you will, with regard to the harassment, then block their numbers and enjoy your new life.

OP, I apologise because I have only read your initial post, but didn't want to read and run...

Did you move to Stepford?!!!! You have endured and are enduring some seriously abusive behaviour! It has fucked with your self esteem, your perception of the world around you and your whole life!

I'm sure you will have already got this advice.

Cut all contacts - NOW! And don't look back - EVER! Get yourself some counselling just to make sense of what you've been through.

You sound like a lovely person - and one who has good instincts but has been conditioned for so long that they are "wrong" they they are having difficulty listening to that all important inner voice.

You are worthy, you are capable, you are lovable, you are in individual in your own right with your own very valid hopes, desires, fears, dreams.

You are unique and wonderful.

Fuck these completely loony people and put them where they belong - firmly in the past.

Hugs to you.

OP - you've had some great advice on this thread, just to add as well, remember these people live in that village - they might have bought into the idea that "this is as good as it gets" - moving away and building a new life isn't an option, you have proved that 'people like them' could do it, if they are also sitting in low paid jobs going nowhere, you have highlighted that they have actively chosen this life. That's going to piss them off. Paricularly if you were the one who was a bit of a failure compared to them. Going off and getting a better man, better job, better life, doing much more exciting things than small village life just because you want to - might scare them into realising they could do it too (or even worse, they couldn't - that compared to you they are failures).

It's easier to attack you than deal with that.

Keep going, cut them out. Build a new life (most of my friends hadnt found their DH at 27, you aren't 'old' and you haven't given the best years of your life!)

1. Sounds dreadful no one said to you " what are you doing here with that creep" and helped you leave years before. Upset at losing the free help are they? Well done for getting out. Never go back. If anyone wants to see you they can make a trip to the big city and spend their own time and money.

Now- forget about the lot of them. Delete on fb, change email, change phone number and enjoy your new life.

1. The only thing you could have done is leave earlier, but at 16 with no support can see why you didn't. Plus you probably felt you had a real home at last. Now older, and wiser, you can remember the nice bits and thank heavens you got out before any dc or you end up a carer for this man.

1. There is no need to feel guilty. It wasn't working anymore, so you have changed things. They are probably jealous. Don't waste anymore headspace on these people. Do not let it sour your new relationship. They are not family just acquaintances from somewhere you used to live. And not very nice ones either.

Good luck!

What a lucky escape you have had!!!

Block them all on FB and change your phone number.

Does your new DP know that info such as his number plate was discussed? If you feel threatened maybe you should show the message to the police?

Hello thisisnotanappy,
I read your posts yesterday and just couldn't stop thinking about you.

I feel that you have had great advice here. I believe what you have done is exactly the best and most right thing you could have done for yourself. You do not owe "him" anything, not even an explanation, (and certainly no empathy for "what you have done to him": hey, he did it to himself!).

As a couple of other posters have said, I too thought of the term "cult". That bastard performed a long standing campaign of brainwashing on you to make you believe that you could not trust your own choices without the endorsement of the entire community. So now the entire community is operating as his puppet to continue to (try to) control you.
The thing about your post that bothered me the most is how you said "your body got up and did" ...this. I am not a mental health care professional, but I believe that shows a kind of disconnect between your actions and your intellect, perhaps your identity. That might be a sort of self-defense menchanism or an unconscious coping strategy. I hope you will pursue counseling as this makes it apparent that you do need to recover from the ordeal that you have survived. (Surviving and recovering are two different things.)

Please fo not feel bad for "not looking back"...a lot of people do not do well with the past (me, for one). You do not need to explain yourself to anyone who is nosey about it, it is much better to live in the present, and that is what you could say: "The past is in the past, I prefer to live in the
present" and change the subject. It should be similar, however more difficult due to the emotionally abusive nature of your experience, to your having moved on from school.

Good luck to you and congrats on your new man!

As SchmaltzingMatilda says: your leaving will be excitement to them.
Don't let them or him spoil your chances of a new life for yourself. You're lucky that you've put distance between you. Cut contact.

A regret in my life was that I couldn't leave an abusive ex properly for a while, it took some time for me to properly let go and shake him off and during that time I passed up some opportunities that I really should have taken.

Get counselling. Quick. Not because you have any flaws (you don't - having counselling or treatment doesn't mean that you are a defective person, it means that you are intelligent and want to have a better life) but because this utter bastard royally fucked you up for 10 years.

I think you may be experiencing something akin to PTSD, actually.

1. You were 16. You are not any more and have grown and changed and this is normal and to be expected. You have done what is right for your self, and that is not wrong. You cannot live your life for others convenience.

The Manchester women's aid course sounds like a good idea.

2.You have not done it any differently so there is no point fretting about it. No experience is wasted and you are so young,there is still a lot to do. My life was a muddle until I was 28 and I did 'all the right things'.

1. People do not like it when someone changes and try and make them back into the person they thought you were. You have nothing to feel guilty about - you have done the babysitting and fetes etc and need to get on with your own life. Dump them and set up a new facebook account and go out there and make new friends - there is such a lot to do in and around Manchester - join a club - rock climbing rugby etc as said above, whatever lights your candle and gives you a social life. Get the qualifications you want.

I don't have anything useful to add except agreeing that you need to cut every single one of them out of your life, no exceptions. You have to cut their drama off, cold-turkey. And congrats for escaping!

I really appreciate all your replies, thank you so much. I will look into Manchester Womens Aid. I am currently seeing a therapist - trying to decipher who I am amongst all of this stuff that I have in my head.

The head/body thing: it really was my body which left the village and not my head. I did not make a conscious decision to do it - but it was the right thing to do. What I'm trying to say is that my body knew best, at that time, and it put my mind into a situation where it had to deal with the consequences. I was not capable of making the decision until I was physically claustrophobic from being in that community.

I can't tell you how happy all your comments have made me. I have been suffering from a huge amount of guilt. Not having a stable family life originally has led me to be grateful for what I could get - and up until last year, I thought that (the village) was all I could get - so was grateful for it.

Intellectually, rationally you know you were entitled to leave but you would still be 'soothed' by their understanding and approval.

Time will cure that!

Totally agree with singingsilver. Physically I left my x but I was still in communication with him and his awful family, so I didn't start to recover emotionally, mentally until I cut the drama off cold turkey.

Go through your facebook and delete delete delete. Get a new phone so they don't have your number.

This will end up being long but as we're of similar age I want to share my story with you.

Someone did this to me when I was 19, there wasn't such a big age gap but he slowly isolated me from my friends and family, manipulating situations to make it look like I was unreasonable and always picking fights - when in reality he would get at me for days about things and then bring it up in front of people - at the end of my tether I would sometimes snap. It got so bad that my own friends thought I was horrible to him and he was the victim.

He dictated my career options, dictated what jobs I should apply for, eventually persuading me to move away. I wanted to do a postgrad course and he told me I should be happy working in a shop and being with him, why did I think I was so special or good enough to do a masters. I wanted to travel and he said no. I went on an organised trip in my 2nd year of undergrad and he would call and text me every day accusing me of cheating. If I didn't answer he would do it more. I was really ill at the start of the trip and I ended up just going home after only a third of it, it wasn't worth it - except now I see the reason he hated it so much was because I wasn't with him, he wasn't involved. I remember him saying so many times if I left him that would be so selfish of me. He used to get really angry and sulk for days if I did things wrong.

Everything was always about him and his point of view, he was a manipulative bully and I could do nothing right. I thank my lucky stars it only lasted three years because it could have gone on and on. Never been so happy to find out someone was cheating I can tell you, which shows you how far it went, him cheating gave me a way out which I was too afraid to find for myself. At 22 I felt like my life was over, I had no confidence, had gained a lot of weight and just didn't recognise myself.

That was only 4 years ago and my life has changed so much. I've been all over the world both working and for travel, done my Masters, spent 18 months living abroad, learned a language, and I have a lovely boyfriend, we're expecting our first (if slightly accidental!) baby next week...

If my life can change this much, yours can too - you will look back on this as a watershed moment and getting rid of these people from your life is the first step towards that. Good luck!

Great post nowwhat

go through your facebook and delete delete delete. Get a new phone so they don't have your number
do this it is excellent advice!

I am in a bit of a rush and should be doing other stuff and not mumsnetting but stopped to read your post. I have not read all the replies so I apologise if my response is now out of kilter or a repeat of others but just wated to say.

Well done. You have done the right thing. You are still young and have the best years of your life to come. With age comes wisdom and an attitude/mentality of not caring quite so much about what others think.

Can I just say - these friends seem to have "small town mentality". I expect some of them secretly envy your strength of will at being able to leave and do something different. I have had to move house hell of a lot over the years thanks to my husbands career. After 16 years of this life I am now almost an expert at predicting who (if anyone) will keep in touch with me once I move on.

The truth is - the many people I meet and know and become very good firm friends, relying on each other, helping each other out, being in and out of each others houses - hardly any actually keep in good touch. I have been really shocked in the past that the people I spent 3 or 4 years being very close to, confiding in, spending most days with - just dont keep in proper touch once I move on. Weirdly, its other people that do. The people that were on what I would call the edge of my closer/inner circle of friends, the ones I didnt really bare my soul to, live in and out of their pockets so to speak. I now have alot more genuine contact with a few people like that, over the ones I was close to.

I dont take this personally anymore I really do think that sometimes when you no longer are in someones everyday life - the common ground goes and there is little to base a future friendship on, no matter how much I may want to. There are also those that are offended or hurt that you/I have moved away and into that maybe som envy/jelousy etc. I even find now, that once we get told we are moving and start telling people - people I have considered good friends start distancing themselves and stop investing in the friendship - because whats the point - you'll be 4 hours drive away in 3 months time - kind of attitude. Its all unspoken - but it goes on.

I know your situation is different and these "friends" do sound toxic as well. But please please, hard that it is to not take it personally, please do realise that had you left under different circumstances - just say for example - your ex and you moved away for new jobs/life - you would be experiencing much of the same distancing and some gossip.

A lot of people love a victim, someone who is down etc etc but once that person starts to turn their life around (like you are doing now) they get confused and feel out of control and frankly dont like it. This is also a bit of what is happening here.

I would suggest you close down your FB. If you really feel you want it - every single person from your old life in Cornwall need to go. Not just defriended but blocked - or even start a fresh, with new email address just for your new FB, a quirk to your name so you are not so traceable, a vague profile picture and blocking all these people from the outset and obviously really tightening your security settings so now friends are visable. I would ask your new boyfriend to make sure his friends list is also not visable and page locked down.

Hard that it is - you need to really seperate yourself from these people and your old life. I know its sad and hard and there will be parts you want to cling on to but for now, whilst you re-establish yourself and discover your new life, you dont need the drama, guilt and crap these horrible people are giving you. Trust no one back from your old life. Its a clean break that needs to be done.

There may be a time in a few years time when you are stronger, more established etc that you may wish to re gain contact. I suspect not, once you are in a better place, but if you do, anyone worth their salt wont mid its taken you a few years to get yourself sorted. But for now, you need to walk away and only look forward not back.

Well done, you have already done the hardest bit and a whole new wonderful life lies ahead of you.

Eleanor, belated apologies but haven't returned to this thread for a few days. Apologies for misinterpreting your post - I was in a particularly grrrrrr mood the other day!

OP, just to reiterate, I think you have done fantastically well. It is hard when you start to doubt everything you are. You will not lose anything by leaving this group of people behind and moving on with your life. Look forward and don't turn back. xx

No worries!