being harrassed by an ex-group of friends over my break-up

[thisisnotanappy]

My ex-DP and I were together for 10 years. We had an age difference of 20 years, so I was 16 years old and he was 36 when we met. I met him as soon as I left school, and was persuaded by him to not take up a job that was waiting for me in Manchester after school and to go and live with him in a village in Cornwall.

While the relationship had its many good points, I feel like I lost out on 2 things over that ten years: 1. I never was able to have a career. Without having worked before and having given up the job I was qualified for, I couldn't find anything in the Cornwall countryside to do. I worked in shops for minimum wage and in work areas that I wasn't qualified in for a low salary and all money was ploughed into the rent of a house for the two of us, which which he paid half of, on his much higher salary 2. I wanted to get married and have children, but he always said no. Over the course of the ten years he said he could maybe be persuaded to get married and have them eventually, but that due to aspects of my personal development and my "selfishness" (either something he thought I was doing wrong, didn't do enough housework, didn't earn enough money, responsibilities or whatever) it wasn't possible. He pressured me a lot to make more money, but I found it very hard, as I was unable to work in jobs that I was qualified to work in, living where we were living in the middle of the countryside and being minimally qualified.

I asked him if we could move to manchester where I had many career prospects, but he said if you want this relationship to work, you stay where I need to be. I said maybe I could live there part time and he said that he wouldn't stay with me if I did that. I said maybe we need to break up then, and he said if you leave me, no-one will touch you again because you have some serious flaws that only i can put up with. I talked to ex-DP a lot about this whole thing and the feelings of frustration I was having, but he brushed them aside and told me it was my problem, my "selfishness" and "greed" yearning for a more materialistic life. In our 7th year I asked -exDP to go to relationship counselling for us to work through our problems, but he refused and continued to refuse until the end.

We became very close friends with a group of people who also used to live locally. Ex-DP used to take the piss of them a lot for being village idiots, but in my twenties I sought a lot of solace with them because they were fun and they were my social life. Some of the women I became very close to, told them everything I was feeling and thinking, we used to have the keys to each other's houses and be with each other all the time and they used to take trips with me to the bigger towns and we used to go to the bars there.

Fastforward to my 27th birthday, I suddenly realise that I have wasted my entire twenties with a man who does not want to marry me and a career that has never been given a chance to take off. One day, my body just packs up my car and drives me out of the village, leaving everything behind. I called Ex-DP and told him it was over and also went to confide in one of the close female friends in the village who - at the time - was very understanding. Ex-DP went into denial. The second night I got there I had a ONS which I felt a huge amount of guilty about and found myself drunk and crying and feeling very alone.

Two weeks after I had left and set up in Manchester in a new job, the first reaction of ex-DP and everyone else was 'you can't do this.' As in, they said I literally couldn't, that it was impossible, that it was mad, that the town in which we lived was my life, I needed to be committed or on drugs for making such a sudden move. Did I not even want to work it out with ex-DP? Was I going to abandon him like this? They were right, the village WAS my life, but I didnt want it to be.

As I had no other friends (school friends were long gone) I was weak, resigned the job, and I moved back, influenced by the pressure of them all, apologised for my impulsiveness, apologised to ex-DP, asked him to take me back, which gave even more fuel to his fire about how I wasn't coming up to scratch, how I didn't deserve marriage and kids until I had proved myself to be consistent. However, I only lasted a month - My body kept walking me out of there like a zombie. I started to get hives every time I drove back into the village.

In the end I just had to leave again, and this time it was not taken lightly. I told them all I loved them and wanted to stay friends, but I just had to make a life for myself where I could get married and have kids and have a career, but that I would come back to see them. I've been gone for six months and since then their contact with me has been very difficult.

My female friends who I was so loyal to have betrayed me, told ex-DP all the things I said about him and our sex life to them, called my parents and told them stuff I used to complain to them about them, basically they have shunned me from their lives. They won't see me, and they are now friends with my ex-DP who has sent me endless angry messages and emails and phonecalls about my "selfishness," how I have committed a fatal flaw in leaving him and how none of them will ever forgive me. He has gone crying around the village and they now all protect him and agree with him that I fucked up his/their lives for taking friendship and relationship "so lightly."

I started seeing another man about 2 months ago, one of the women from the village cottoned on to this over facebook and, by mistake, sent me an email meant for someone else talking about me. She had found out his name, his job, the registration of his car...and sent them to my ex-DP- real stalkery stuff. When I confronted her about it, she accused me of betraying my ex-DP with this other man and how I must've been "seeing him all along and taking ex-DP for a ride for 10 years." Which is obviously not true. They have invented a whole alternative story.

I have tried to go back a few times just to keep up the friendship with them all (one of them even said to me - "don't tar us all with the same brush, we ARE separate people" - but that doesn't ring true.) I get ignored when I do go. If I don't go I get messages saying "so you think you're better than us now?" If I do go, I get ignored. It's real League of Gentleman stuff...

I'm devastated by this and feel a tremendous amount of guilt. It WAS my life for 10 years. I did the village plays, catered the village fetes, babysat all their children, did fundrasiers for the village school, talked to their moody teenage kids about boyfriends etc. We were all so close-knit. Ex-DP is saying that I have wasted 10 years of his life and is telling everyone I have left a "poor old man alone." But I gave him the best years of my life! And if he had been prepared to compromise with me needing to develop, needing something to change, I would've stayed. But no-one is willing to hear my explanation.

This would be different if it was just me and one other person (my ex-DP) wrangling over a break-up, but I now feel I am working against a crowd of people who all think the same thing and all hate me.

I suppose I just want you to tell me:

1. what you all think of this and what I should do now

2., whether you think I could've done anything differently

1. how I can get rid of this guilt?

He is an abusive twat. He wanted you on tap for him. You werent a person in your own right. You were his. You belonged to him.

Well done for getting out. Now its time for a clean break. Get a new email address, block every single one of them on facebook. Log the stalker behaviour with the police, just incase, and then get on with your life. 27 is still so young.

I'd love to know what the job was that you could only do in Manchester and were qualified for at 16.

It's been driving me potty since I read this earlier.

Not much to add really, but clearly he is an abusive, manipulative person who doesn't deserve you! I am so impressed you managed to get out and are making a life for yourself - that must have been incredibly hard with almost everyone you knew against you. Your 'friends' sadly aren't your real friends...they need to be blocked and deleted from your life so you can move on. You're not a bad person, you're not weak, you're not cruel, you're not ANY of the things they've called you, and not one of the people on here will truthfully tell you that!

I think the best years of your life are the years you MAKE the best of your life. Clearly, the last ten years weren't your best, so they'll be the next ten years instead!

I don't think you should have been doing anything differently in terms of leaving - obviously, as it turns out, it was a mistake in trusting all of those people, but that's in the past now and just the way it is. The recent decisions are all good and I think it all sounds very positive.

And of course you don't need to feel any guilt - though it's not that easy to say that because you don't need to, you don't feel it. If you've been told something for ten years it's hard to shake it. Do look into counselling if you think it would help. It's a good place to talk everything through and think objectively about what's happened. This is the beginning of your life and you don't have to stay in the past. Just do what makes you happy now :)

Firstly, your ex was an abusive, creepy, controlling wanker and bloody well done on getting away from him.

Secondly, these horrible people are not your friends.

Thirdly, you are only 27. That's nothing, seriously :) - You have years and years of good times ahead of you.

There are many words for the kind of creature who would pick up a 16 year old girl at the age of 36, convince her to jack in a job and move hundreds of miles away from anyone she knew.

Take this as a fresh start. Yes, you won't get back those years, but you can waste a lot more if you spend your time focused on the time you lost rather than getting on with living now.

Wow OP, you have had such a close escape and you have SO MUCH to be grateful for! What a blessing that he refused to marry you or have children with you! And you are only 27 with your entire youth ahead of you!

What sort of normal 36 year old man starts a relationship with a 16 year old child and persuades her to move miles from her family and friends to live with him! If you'd had kids with him you would have been toast. It would have been very very hard for you to ever break away and make a new life - you'd have been thoroughly trapped.

And these people are NOT your friends. Please cut ties with them - they sound positively dangerous. You should report the stalker person to the police - tell them what you've done and then block all further contact.

Best of luck for the future!

All sounds like something 50-100 years' ago OP except for the FB and so on. Judgmental types cold-shouldering someone who was once in their lives and exercised her right to move on? This was a chapter in your life and ex P's and no business of bystanders.

You should break off contact altogether - as far as being vilified or shunned, you weren't married and even if you had been, you were not wholly responsible for the path your relationship took.

What are your qualifications, Op. you could receive some great advice here on where to focus your future.

OH MY FUCK.

Sorry thisis, I haven't read through the responses but I have to say, in reaction to your OP, WHO ARE THESE FUCKING PEOPLE?!?

You are so well rid of the whole sorry, pathetic, incestuous, feeble-minded, nasty lot of them, DP included, that language seems scarcely capable of communicating it.

You are FREE now - leave them behind and never look back.

You sound ace. And brave. Go and build your life. And feel fucking proud of yourself for breaking away and making the right decision.

Blimey. Right, now I need a cup of tea and a lay down

Eleanor - not sure how your post was meant to sound?? if you have doubts about the veracity of the OP then you know the usual route for reporting.

It does sound a fantastic tale but assuming the OP is telling the truth then I do think she was the victim of a man that was at best a predator in respect of a vulnerable 16 yo girl. That is awful in itself. The subsequent 10 years sounds horrific and well done for walking away. The only solution is to walk away and cut them all out of your life. They are not worth it as has been demonstrated by their actions and are

Gah pressed post too soon!

and they are not worth bothering with.

What utter loons! The number plate bit is bonkers and creepy. Please cut ties with these nutters. You have been awfully brave op. see if you can access the freedom programme you would get a lot of answers there

I wasn't fully qualified for a job at 16, but I had an apprenticeship which would have lead to a better paid job than starting from nothing in a new place. That's what I was trying to communicate.

I actually don't think it is a dramatic story. There are lots of women on here through lack of choice have ended up with an abusive man. He wasn't an evil person, just manipulative and more street smart than me due to his age. Living with him so long led me to believe the things that he said.

All the rest of your posts are so encouraging, thank you! :)

Oh gawd no, I didn't mean that. It's just I read the OP earlier while I was in town and then went off on a meandering train of thought about what the job was, so when I got home I thought I'd ask.

Thankyou for answering, OP.

I can go to bed happy.

Listen, you've done brilliantly to wa;lk away. Now you just need to cut these losers out of your life and move on.

I left my horrible ex at 26, moved 100 miles away and didn't see him or any of my 'old life' friends again. I met lovely DH a year later and life is brilliant. Move forwards towards your bright future.

Unfortunately small towns (I grew up in one) in isolated parts of the country are a bit League of Gentlemen- but the good news is you can now escape this enmeshed and unhealthy environment. But do cut them all off Facebook and any other means of communication, it won't do you any good to see what they are saying, and don't return, just move on.

You may not think it's a dramatic tale, but to get together with a 16 year old, when you're 20 years her senior, and tell her she has things wrong with her that no-one else Will put up with... pretty low tbh.

I'm sure an age difference like that can work, but it brings a duty of care which he has not lived up to.

Everyone's right - drop these toxic people like hot potatoes you have your whole life ahead of you.

It all sounds a bit like a cult. Not as in a real cult, but there are similarities. You were young and mostly unsupported by your parents - so you were vulnerable to the "charms" of your ex. That's the classical way that people get drawn into relationships that are no good for them. (And that does happen to people a lot older, as well.)

Subsequently, you were very useful to those people in the village, you certainly did a lot for them, and so of course they want you back to carry on being useful to them. Since persuasion hasn't worked, they've moved on to intimidation.

In answer to your questions:

1. what you all think of this and what I should do now

I think you've been very badly treated and I think you should cut all these people out of your new life completely. And if they persist in trying to interfere in your new life, you should talk to your local police or Women's Aid.

2., whether you think I could've done anything differently

You weren't given the choice to do anything differently.

3. how I can get rid of this guilt?

It's not your guilt. It's theirs. I think you should contact Women's Aid and ask about their Freedom Programme.

FWIW: I recognise this situation. It's similar to one I was in a long time ago. Though for a very much shorter time. I think it's the kind of scenario that many women here can also recognise.

flipping heck. delete them ALL.

You're still young. You can turn it 'round. But I agree with others, don't look back. You owe nobody an explanation. You weren't happy, you ended what was a casual relationship (because that was how HE wanted it) and you certainly don't need anybody's blessing to have ended it.

Right, who were these people? Friends? No. They were bystanders who watched a 36 year old lech bring home a schoolgirl, manipulate her, listen to his bizarre treatment of her and stood by and did NOTHING!
He is using them to get at you.
Block the lot of them and well done for having the good sense to get away.
Believe me, 27 is a baby! You have been living a grown-up life so long that you don't see that but at the grand old age of 44, I'll tell you it's true!
Now go out and have some fun!

Waste no more time on your awful ex and his cronies. Carry on embracing your new life. Agree with others that a total cutting of ties is the only way. Well done and good luck.

1. What do you think and should I do

I think this man was abusive. I think you dealt with it for a long time. I think leaving was FAB! Well done!! Now, get rid of anybody who brings you down. No, get rid of anyone who does not actively support you. You have spent enough time trying to please someone else, now it's time for you! Accept no criticisms about your character, it's just fine as it is. Determine what you want in a relationship and if you're not getting it, your partner won't give it to you, move on - don't compromise who you are. Remember that you deserve to be loved and accepted for the unique, talented individual you are. If someone wants you to change, it's s/he who has the problem. It is easier said than done, especially when your entire adult life (and end of your adolescence) has been spent trying to please someone and you might need the hand of someone neutral, like a few sessions with a councillor if you feel shaky (or check with the mumsnet vipers ).

1. I think there are many ways you could have done it differently, but not a single one would have been better.

1. Guilt? Guilt? You shouldn't be feeling any at all. The fact that you do though shows a) that you're a nice person and b) that he's manipulated you. Perhaps write everything you feel guilty about down and then burn it, send it off on a balloon, send it out to sea in a bottle. Anything, because as long as you feel guilty, they've all got a hold over you.

Not one of your questions, but I agree about contacting the police about this woman collecting info about your current partner. Print the email out (and any subsequent correspondence) to show them. I'm not sure what they could do at this point (know nothing about police workings), but I'm sure it would be taken a note of somewhere which might be helpful in the future (especially as an email address is unique).

Now go and have fun!! It might feel a bit lonely at times without the "support network" you had in the village, but don't look back - they are not adding anything helpful to your life: join clubs, do what interests YOU and you'll be sure to meet new people!