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Relationships

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Original poster

Career or baby

37 replies

fifi26 · 24/05/2006 19:42

I currently have a 1yr old dd and was planning to go to uni in Sept. to study for the next four yrs.

Dp is now saying that he rather I didnt because

a) he wants to try for another baby in the next 12-18 months

b) its to much of a financial strain

c) it will take up to much of my time as I would need to continue working part time (16hrs a week) plus study 3 days a week (not including any out of college studying)

I would really like to have another baby and hate the thought of my dd being an only child or having a large age gap between the children.

The thing is I dont want to put my life on hold when this may never happen anyway. I have recently been though a real rough patch with dp and we have only just got back together after a 3 month split. I'm concerned that if I do put my dreams on hold in order to persue a family life that it may all fall apart before we even had a second child and I would be left without a career or the sibling I want so much for my dd.

Any advice?

OP posts:

compo · 24/05/2006 19:46

I think it is possible to do both. But in a way I agree with your dp in that your priorities change and that you might resent having to study after you've looked after 1 or 2 kids all day. Juggling study, a part time job and 2 children under 5 will be very hard work. Could you maybe put off studying until they are school age or at least in preschool perhaps?

fransmom · 24/05/2006 19:50

hi fifi, i'm sorry you're feeling like this at the moment. firstly, the uni will have discretionary funds for you to apply to if you have problems with fees; i'm sure there are also loans available that only expect you to pay back once you start earning over a set amount.

will he agree to waiting for your relationship to be more secure before either of you even thinks of trying for another baby? and perhaps you can study at uni part time, maybe he doesn't realise that you might end up resenting him if your plans are put on hold. i'm not sure what career you plan on following but if this falls apart it sounds like you wouldn't be happy anyway and this might casue the relationship to founder and lose footing? if it is going to be financial strain, perhaps this will ease once your career takes hold and is established? is he worried about you earning more than him?

sorry about asking loads of questions, hth x

fransmom · 24/05/2006 19:51

ps, wouldn't a second baby be as much financial strain as you studying anyway? i don't mean to sound harsh x

Uwila · 24/05/2006 19:56

Why do you have to choose? Does he have a career? Is it worth persuing to him? I'd never never never tolerate a man saying he could persue a career but I shouldn't because it would be a burden on the family.

Besides, I see no reason why you can't have it all. It may mean he has to pick up a bit more childcare/household chores. But, hey, that seems fair to me.

Also, if you are enrolled in school, do you get subsidised childcare from the uni?

Pinotmum · 24/05/2006 20:00

I am currently a mum of a 5 yo and a 3 yo, work p/t and attend college 1.5 days per week. I have been at college since Sept and am on my final assignment. It has been hard and I am so glad I only have 6 weeks left. My dd is f/time at school and ds is at pre-school. I think studying with 2 children under 5 and working p/t will be v hard over a 4 yr period but if your heart is set on it then you must give it a go.

Original poster

fifi26 · 24/05/2006 20:08

Thanks for the quick replies.

First let me clarify, two babies plus studying isnt an option. The choice I need to make is either having a second baby or to study. It wouldnt be fair on anyone to try and do both.

As far as the financial aspect is concerned I wouldnt qualify for very much in the first year because I would need to complete an access course first so wouldnt be able to apply for the same loans/grants that I would if I was studying for a degree.

There is no way either of us would think of having another baby until the relationship is on a more solid footing thats why we have agreed that if it happenes we would wait at least a 12 month before we started trying to give ourselves time to focus on strengthning the relationship first.

As for the comparison of the cost of another baby compared to studying is concerned I know we will be in alot better position by the time a second child was born because dp's job prospects are certainly on the up and we should be comfortably well off in about 2 yrs as long as he continues is progression with his career. The financial concerns are for the immediate future if I began studying this Sept.

I have considered delaying studying but I already missed out on one chance of going to uni after flunking my a'levels due to a very close berevament. I'm now 27 and feel if I put off going back to uni any longer then its never going to happen. It really is a now or never sort of deal.

Sorry for rambling, does all that make sense?

OP posts:

sfxmum · 24/05/2006 20:08

i would find it hard nay, impossible to tolerate being told what to do.
i am in my late 30's and am about to drop career to look after my 1yr old and try for another baby. i am also about to do access course to uni.
it is however my choice and we have sat and decided together.
it is still hard because i am used to being independent even if i have a lot of trust in the relationship. i would find it impossible if i felt the relationship was rocky
sorry don't mean to be harsh but i feel you need to discuss this further and really understand the reasons why he truly objects.
has he been to uni? would he feel threatened ?

moondog · 24/05/2006 20:10

Fifi,you're still young.
I would do the degree,then have another baby.

It will always niggle at you if you don't and doing it with two small children would be very hard.

fransmom · 24/05/2006 20:11

it does make sense fifi x but don't worry about age being a barrier, i'm 31 and joining open uni in sept. i hope you can talk things thru with him but if he won't listen and listen properly then there are other issues that would need thinking about.

yomellamoHelly · 24/05/2006 20:14

(Sorry long)

I was in the first year of a course in osteopathy when I fell pg with ds (now 2.5). At the time I fully intended to go back and do the remaining 3 years.

Having investigated it (fully intending to resume) I decided not to.

It would have cost me £21,000 in course fees (excl. interest) to complete the course. I could have got loans to cover this. Then I would have needed £8,500 of childcare for just the time I was in college each year (which dh said he would cover if going back to uni was what I needed to do - I was refused a discretionary grant to cover this). Then I would have had the pressure of doing all my cramming, research etc. in my "free" time.

At the end I would then have had be prepared to work full-time for a year to qualify fully (earning virtually nothing over this period). Then most people agreed that if I continued to work full-time I would pay the loans off in 2-3 years. (I don't really want to work full-time any more - I want to be in when ds gets home from school.)

This all assumed I wasn't going to have a second child, which I knew I was. Dh admitted that he'd struggle to cover 2 lots of childcare. Also I knew any "free" time I had would be even more difficult to use to cram in studying.

So I guess I can see where your dp is coming from, though obviously it may be different for your course - I'd do your research before coming to a decision.

I too worry about putting my life on hold for too long, but have decided and agreed with dh that I'll do a year's PGCE once nr 2 is 2/3 and before that (once nr 2 is 6 months) I'll childmind to get some relevant experience. Dh is wonderful, but I hate relying on him for money - especially when I know we have none.

Good luck with your decision.

Uwila · 24/05/2006 20:14

I'm sorry, but it sounds to me like he wants to persue his career whilst you stay home and make babies. So, five years down the line where are you going to be if the relationship doesn't work out? He'll have a nice career and plenty of money. And you'll be a single mum inher 30s who hasn't even been to uni yet?

On the other hand, maybe things will work out, you'll still be together, and you can go to uni more comfortably when he makes enough money for you to hire a nanny whilst you go to school..... but life isn't always this rosey.

I am as dedicated to my career as I am to anything because it is my security in life. I will never give it up... never. But, then that's me. You may have different priorities.

SenoraPostrophe · 24/05/2006 20:15

have you looked at the OU? It would take longer to get the degree but unlike a normal degree, you could do it while working 16 hours a week with 2 kids.

Original poster

fifi26 · 24/05/2006 20:18

We have spoken about it in depth and dont think he has any real concerns other than those mentioned. The only real reason I can think of is that lately I've lost alot of weight and started taking more care in my apperance, we have moved to a new area and I've participated in mother and toddler groups (something I was always to shy to do previously) and have started working part time in a pub which I really enjoy and has helped my confidence no end.

I think maybe he is concerned that there is just to much change. He is very supportive in what I'm doing as far as my apperance and confidence is concerned.

He also says he will support me every which way possible whatever I decide but when forced to make voice his opinion he said he would rather me concentrate on the family.

I'm sorry if I potrayed it wrongly but he's certainly not telling me what to do just voicing his opinion. The final choice is down to me.

OP posts:

moondog · 24/05/2006 20:35

OU is bloody hard work and it takes a will of steel to keep yourself motivated.
Uni is also about meeting interesting inspiring people and enjoying the bonhomie of working and studying together.

SenoraPostrophe · 24/05/2006 20:38

what would you study?

sfxmum · 24/05/2006 20:43

sorry for assumption, either way its hard work, but believe you will have time to do whatever later. 27 is very young
good luck with whatever you decide

gothicmama · 24/05/2006 20:45

pursue you rdreams particularliy if youhave been through arough patch. I'm doing uni with a new born (8wks and dd)

Original poster

fifi26 · 24/05/2006 20:48

couldnt agree with you more moondog. I have tried distance learning in the past and know I'm just not the type to persue an ou course. A large part of me wanting to go back to studying is the social aspect.

Like I said earlier I have recently moved to a new area and would really like to make like minded friends while studying.

When I originally studied in college for my A'levels I made some great friends and hope to do the same again.

Thank you all so much for your advice and I value everyones opinion so please dont think that I'm glossing over what everyone has to say. yomellamoHelly thanks for sharing your story its made me think alot.

I know deep down that going to uni is something I really want to do and have wanted for the last 10 yrs. Its just considering wether I'm being selfish to dp and dd's needs for another child. It is such an huge decision and I would love to hear anything and everything anyones got to say on the matter in order to help me come to a decision

OP posts:

SenoraPostrophe · 24/05/2006 20:57

you could do a diploma or some other course which is not quite a full degree? (a diploma being degree level, but 2 years rather than 3, or 4 years part time). many universities do part time courses now.

moondog · 24/05/2006 21:10

why sp?
degree is the thing

nicnack2 · 24/05/2006 21:16

i agree with senora re trying for a diploma then you can top it up after you have the next child. or try for a job in the area you wish to study and then get day relase. what is it you are interested in?

Mog · 24/05/2006 21:31

What about doing the access course for now and then seeing how you and dp feel after that. Loads of colleges do it part-time with free childcare. You could do that over 2 years and then see how you all feel after that. Either way you'll be well on the road to uni.

Original poster

fifi26 · 24/05/2006 21:35

Mog that is something I have considered, will possibly look into that, will give me the opportunity to see how I cope with the access course before I continue on to doing the degree.

In the long term I'm looking to peruse a career in teaching primary education

OP posts:

nicnack2 · 24/05/2006 21:39

have you discussed with the local college about a postgraduate diploma. these are shorter but a higher level due to they are postgraduate. i completed a post graduate diploma when i was 32 i did not have a first degree( before anyone picks me up) but was considered a mature student with enough 'life experience'.

1973magpie · 24/05/2006 21:50

I started my access course when my dd was 7 months old (I was 27 too!), and I did have financial help with dependants grant (I think this is now called a parents learning allowance?), and had help with childcare costs and from the colleges hardship fund.

Depending on how low your (and your dp's) income is you may be able to get housing benefit and you will get a 25% reduction in coucil tax too. There is financial help out there!

I then did a full-time degree and graduated in 2004, you do have to be organised with kids, but it can be done

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