Career or baby

[fifi26]

I currently have a 1yr old dd and was planning to go to uni in Sept. to study for the next four yrs.

Dp is now saying that he rather I didnt because

a) he wants to try for another baby in the next 12-18 months

b) its to much of a financial strain

c) it will take up to much of my time as I would need to continue working part time (16hrs a week) plus study 3 days a week (not including any out of college studying)

I would really like to have another baby and hate the thought of my dd being an only child or having a large age gap between the children.

The thing is I dont want to put my life on hold when this may never happen anyway. I have recently been though a real rough patch with dp and we have only just got back together after a 3 month split. I'm concerned that if I do put my dreams on hold in order to persue a family life that it may all fall apart before we even had a second child and I would be left without a career or the sibling I want so much for my dd.

Any advice?

I agree with Mog - you said you want the relationship secure for a year before you try for another baby - - plus a bare minimum of 9 months if you get pg straightaway - seems like ideal timing to do the access course now. You could also investigate what more flexible options might be open to you re the degree - eg any chance of starting it very part time and then building it up (certinly poss with OU) - you need to do some research on your options. You could get a bit of study under your belt before baby no 2, then maybe take a break, then pick it up again. having said all that the whole "project" is a team effort - and your dp needs to understand that. Try - together - to break down your life into individual bits in order to see how thay can slot together - think of it in terms of family needs (paying the bills; a parent (not necc a mum) at home at least some of the time for the children)and individual wants - careers and degrees. They blur of course, and your degree will ultimately be a positive contribution to paying the bills etc. there shouldn't be any assumptions in this, there should be lots of joint decisions and team work.

Sorry, but this is a no-brainer, at least IMO. You are only 27, what's the hurry to have a second child? I have a four and a half year gap between my kids, and it's great. You will find it much harder to go to uni with two kids, and you may never get a chance again. Going to university is the greatest experience you can have. Grab it.

Ask yourself what you'll regret more, if you were looking back 10, 20 years from now. You have time to do both, just decide the order- good luck!

go to uni.

you shouldnt put your dreams on hold for what is at the moment an unstable relationship.

it is very doable. i had 3 kids under 5 went to uni and worked part time.

i'm still paying off the loans - but i feel that i did what was best for me. and i enver did it for a career - as high flying or management jobs were never my thing ( although i am re-thinking my positiona t the moment) i did it for me, the certificate and the picture which is ( in some peoples estimation) crassly shown for all to see - proudly on the dining room wall.

my children have benefited from teh oportunities that followed becuase of going to uni - work wise

I'd start on the access course now. You've both agreed you're not going to do anything for 12 months, so you might as well use that time towards your degree. Then you can decide at the end of 12 months. And you've got loads of time to do your degree and have a baby afterwards. There's 13 years between me and my eldest brother and we get along fine.

Good luck!

go to uni.

you owe it to yourself and your child. you will be happier and more fulfilled mum if you are able to follow your dream. matyrs dont make good mums

your daughter doenst need a sibling - lots of only kids are very happy. if you want another, that's another matter. It doenst need to be now. bigger age gaps can be very positive. There are lots of threads on it here (search archives)

agree you should go to uni.

both you and dp produced your baby: why is it your responsibility alone to look after the 'family'? Your career and fulfilment is just as important as his. If you're strong now, Dp will respect you more in the end: it's just it seems it will have to be you who insists on your career because he does not see it as so important.

If you start the degree now, which I assume is 3 years, you could get pregnant just before you complete, and that would be pretty soon anyway for a 2nd child.

I don't mean to sound 'lecturing', but it makes me annoyed that a lot of men assume that it's the woman's problem when a baby comes along and affects the family's income, and we have to be determined in getting qualified and getting our own jobs: otherwise you're financially reliant on him for the rest of your life..

anyway I'm sure you'll make the right decision for you, and wish you the best!

custardo

I certainly wouldnt think it crass to display yor graduation certifcate and picture. You worked to get it and anyway people display their childrens etc so whats the differne. :)

I'm in the 'go to uni' camp. I reckon it'll get harder and harder to decide to go if you have another child now, and it's something you really want to do. You're very young, you have so much time to play with - go and play!

(I didn't have my first baby till I was 10 years older than you, btw.)

Hi Fifi,

Please donlt take this the wrong way but whilst I think you should definitely consider it, I noticed that you are partly going for the social life. I don't mean to be a downer but remember that you will be a lot older than many of the people there (ie majority will be 18).

I'm not saying don't go because I think it's obviously something you have made up your mind about and it's a great thing to study if it's going to help in the long term but don't be disappointed if you find that there are not that many people in your situation or on the same wavelength.

Just make sure that the social aspect is not more of a reason than you are admitting to since if it is then I think you may be disappointed. Also your partner is going to find it hard when you are off out in the evenings with your new mates and he is left babysitting. Does this sound harsh?

no sandradee it doesnt sound harsh at all.

I'm not really concerned originally about the age gap between myself and the other students because for at least the first year I will be studying on an access course aimed at mature students (avg. age for students on the local course is 30 so slightly older than myself).

I'm not looking to take up a student life and be drinking cheap cider in grotty bedsits 6 nights a week (sorry about the sterotyping). I'm just looking for some adult company during the daytime instead of being stuck in a house in a new area with a very demanding dd.

Even though the social aspect is important my primary concern is getting a good career established in the near future which will benefit the family.

Hi Fifi

It sounds like you are a really sensible person who has thought about this a lot and therefore you really should go for it. I'm sure if your partner and you are communicative and supportive of each other and are able to discuss your concerns (which it sounds like you can) then I really think you have to go for it.

I was a typical stereotype student when I went over 10 years ago and I have to say that looking back on it all I really wish that I was more mature than I had been - I might have done some work for a start! I do think that you have in your favour your age from the point of view of learning.

A lot of students just go to uni because that's what you do after school and it prolongs the inevitable of getting a "proper job". If you have had time to think about it and are older then I think you will get a lot more out of it than I did

I wish you the best of luck.