Think I'm about to break up my marriage...

[ThatLightbulbMoment]

I just can't take it any more

My husband is totally emotionally unavailable to me and the dcs, and nobody is happy. Every day he comes home and straight away tells the kids to go upstairs so he can get some peace. There is no interaction, just "go to your room"

If I'm not in the room and the baby starts crying, he ignores her and carries on watching TV or playing games.

He doesn't seem to have any respect for anyone, he treats me like the maid, just there to cook and clean for him- I feel invisible.

Our son is being diagnosed with ASD, H refuses to accept that he is not a normal little boy and says that he's "just a little shit" and that I pander to it (I don't- I just pick my battles and as long as he's safe and happy then a bit of odd behaviour is neither here nor there).

Basically I need him to leave, but I want to get myself together first so I don't have to try and do it while dealing with the inevitable fallout.

I need advice- what should I be doing?

Thankyou for reading

No advice, but (((hugs))) and

I'm sure someone will be along with advice in a minute.

It sounds hell Lightbulb, and I really feel for you. To call your son a little shit is nasty and imo unforgivable.

Please remember it is not you who is breaking up your marriage; it is your H's unreasonable behaviour. Has he always been like this? Has it gradually got worse, or was there a defining moment when he became like this?

You cannot be expected to live in such a life. Everyone deserves happiness and this seems very far from happy to me. It just seems like an existence

You will have loads of support and advice, from people who have been through similar and who have come out the other side. I think you are being incredibly sensible - so long as there is no physical risk to you or your children, to get yourself together so that you are prepared emotionally, physically, logistically and financially seems a very good plan to me.

Good luck

Thankyou

He hasn't always been like this, no. We've been together 11 years, married 6, and it has only been the last 2 or so that have been like this. It's got to the point now that I feel the dcs are unhappy when he is around, and I don't want that for them.

When he's in a good mood, he is the man I married- kind, funny, considerate- but that doesn't happen very often now. I wish I knew what had made that change.

Financially there is little to sort out- we rent a housing association house which I will keep on with the dcs, there are no joint savings (though i do have a small amount myself) but we do share a current account which all tax credits and child benefit get paid into.

We don't really own anything of value so there will be no fight over belongings.

I guess I just don't really know where to go from here. It's such a huge thing, and us splitting up will cause massive tremors amongst our friends and family. From the outside, we have a perfect life and nobody (except a very select few who I can talk to) know what he is like at home.

Do you want to give him one last chance? If so, sit him down and tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable and he must change or get out. Because it is unacceptable; he is bullying the children and you as well. It might be worth sending him to the GP for stress/depression but even if he is suffering MH difficulties, that isn't a free pass to behave badly or be indulged indefinitely by the whole family.

But if you decide it's gone beyond that, remember that it's OK to dump a man who is unsatisfactory. It's fine to be single. At the moment neither you or DC can be happy with this man in the house, bullying you all, so your best bet probably is to put him out.

Sound slike the love is gone and you have made your decision.

BUT

I have to ask...have you actually turned to him and said: "What's wrong with you? Your behaviour is appalling and it will cost you this marriage if you don't start communicating with me. We need help. You need to tell me why you have changed in the past two years. Do you want out?"

THEN, if he is abusive, refuses to talk or belittles you, I'd walk.

And we'll be here with all the advice you need.

I have spoken to him before about his behaviour, but he either won't talk or says everything is fine. He has got MH issues (depression) but is not interested in getting help and refuses counselling etc.

I don't want to try again. I just want my kids to be happy and relaxed in their own home and I think that will only happen if he leaves.

I am basically raising them alone anyway, but I don't want to rush in head first without considering my options. At the end of the day I have 3 children to worry about and I don't want to make any false moves.

He isn't abusive as such (though I do realise the way he acts IS emotionally abusive) it's so passive.

I don't really understand what you mean by 'false moves' or 'considering your options' when the main barriers to separating seem to be what friends and family will think. The finances are straightforward, you know you and the kids will be happier if you part, so what's holding you back? If it's what other people will think, what does it matter? None of them are in your relationship are they?

BTW if he suddenly changed 2 years ago, I'd imagine he started playing away from home and it's not that he's depressed or ill at all.

BTW if he suddenly changed 2 years ago, I'd imagine he started playing away from home and it's not that he's depressed or ill at all.

I was just about to say the same thing. Sounds like a nightmare, OP.

Hugs. You are doing the right thing. He had been given the opportunity to look at the impact his behaviour is having on the family and he has chosen not to take it - you might be the one doing the 'talking' but HE is the one breaking up the family... he's already destroying it slowly :(

Can you get the house in your name only? Or would it be easier to get a new place for you and the kids? Do you think he will leave if you ask him to?

Other than that, I don't think there's much more you can do really to 'prepare'.

badinage I mean I don't want to ask him to leave without considering how I am going to look after the kids on my own (financially not physically) as I sah and that will not change any time soon.

I don't really care what anybody else thinks, I just meant that it will be a big break up? We share most of our friends (been together since we were teens) and it will make a big impact on friendships for both of us. I don't have any family and his family will probably support me, they are very nice.

He doesn't really have time to cheat, but I get what you're saying. He works long hours and when he isn't at work, he's at home in front of the tv shouting at the kids and badgering me for food/tea/whatever.

Chipping I can get the house in my name, and he is not likely to make a fuss about that. The housing association wouldn't let him stay in the house himself- it's a 3 bed so they'd move him to a b&b I think. There is a massive shortage in housing in our area so getting a move for me and the kids would be nigh on impossible anyway, but I wouldn't want to move as we live in a lovely area with a good school.

Really I need some help figuring out how to support us (I know he will pay toward the kids, but I need to be able to live without that money in case he doesn't), and the practicalities of divorce. I know nothing in that respect.

I am hoping for a simple he moves out and I get on with it type break up but I'm guessing there will be a fair amount of upset first. I do still love him, so this really isn't an easy decision, but I can't let him upset the kids any longer. I need to sort my head out and try to make this as painless for me and the kids as I can.

Hi Op.

I'm not experienced here but wanted to say so sorry your life atm is like hell. Surely in that respect it can only get better.
You can do it, you already know thats what you want. I'm sure once you start the ball rolling, you will find all the strength you need.
Good luck to you

I would set up an account in my name and change the child benefit and tax credits into that. Then when he leaves you need to either go into your local job centre or phone DWP and find out what lone parent benefits you are entitled to. (Don't forget to tell them that your ds has asd as this will make a difference) You also need to call your council with regards to housing benefit and council tax credit, but do that after you have spoken to the job centre as sometimes they contact them on your behalf. Do you have a bit of money to live on until your benefits come through? This can take a few weeks.
Really feel for you. My ex was the same and still says I pander to my ds who has dyspraxia! I just think there are some things that are not worth the stress and it's better to concentrate on the big things he struggles with and not the little ones. But that's just me. Has he come to terms with the fact that your ds has asd as my ex still hasn't really come to terms with it and I think this was a big factor in his withdrawing from the relationship.
Sorry for the long post but your situation reminded me so much of mine. Also if you need any extra advice about child maintenance or contact try the gingerbread website and also their helpline which advises on benefits, maintenance etc.

Hey OP. It's a big step, so I understand you want to get all your ducks in a row. But you can do it.

Make some appointments with a few different solicitors, ones that do free half-hour sessions. Get some advice, and get a feel for who you you want to go with. Don't use them as therapy, be organised and know what questions you want to ask. Although if there's no house to divide, it'll potentially make things simpler.

In terms of finances, CAB would be able to help with questions. But I guess that once you separate you could ask him to relinquish his right to the joint account, and have it made into a sole account. But he would need to sign stuff, he may not be willing. The other option therefore is to let the bank know that you have separated and they'll freeze your joint account (I think, you might need to ask them about what will happen for sure). Open yourself a current account and have all the tax credits, child benefit, other benefits you might be eligible for (housing benefit) paid into that, and have all bills paid out of your new account.

That's just off the top of my head, there's a poster (Olgaga) who has a brilliant list of info needed in these circumstances, search for posts by her and I'm sure you'll find it.

Thankyou for all your messages

Hollie no he refuses to acknowledge it, he says he doesn't believe in autism and that he is just a naughty child. It's horrible, ds doesn't know how to react when he gets shouted at and it scares him

I'm going to look into getting a current account set up now.

Hello. I admire you.. you have got your head in the right place and are doing what is right by your children. I teach young people with ASD, some with multiple and complex needs and I see mothers raising them alone doing a fantastic job. I have come across the attitude of your husband before and it is not good. You are right to not fight every battle. Anxiety is one of the key features of ASD and a calm, routined environment is best. You are doing all the work anyway and are not making the decision lightly so don't worry - just go for it. Best of luck to you.. I am not a mother quite yet but you are right to put them first and you sound like you are doing a great job.

so feel for you - ex does accept that he has dyspraxia but seems to think that if he tells him off enough he will be able to do all the things he finds difficult?! This is improving but it has taken a long time. He now does come to ds appointments and I have bought books and lent them to him about his condition but I think us being on our own has been better as it has taken three years for this to happen. You sound like a fantastic mum so keep strong. I found it a lot less work being on my own. Don't worry about what everyone else thinks. I really worried about this too but soon found I had lots of support from my family and my true friends.

We just had a long talk and he's decided to leave of his own accord. I told him the effect he was having on me and the kids and he said he doesn't want that for us and he will find somewhere else to live. Feeling a bit dazed... It's such a massive change, I am a bit shocked tbh.

Seems he's given in without trying to fight for you at all. That's a bit of a non reaction. Would have expected more really. Hope your ok .

That's good.
And bad. :(

He had already opted out of your family, so it's not that surprising.

But beware that things may change when he realises you actually want him out.

Good luck with it all. Financially I think you will be ok, if you rent from the HA you will get your rent paid (presuming you don't get hit by the bedroom tax) and benefits, although not copious, are sufficient. He won't get placed in a B&B presuming he works, he will be expected to sort himself out with private rental. He will have to pay maintenance too, and in time you can look for work.

You will be better off without him. OK financially it might be a bit tight but the atmosphere at home will be so much nicer for you and your DC. Well done.

Soon your home will be a happy home and the children will be allowed to be children again. Well done, OP and good luck!

Thank you everyone

I think he will go, he will probably stay at a friends til he can sort out somewhere of his own. It WILL be fine

The atmosphere will lift when he's gone, honestly.

Well done.