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Original poster

I want to write a 'final' letter to P- bad idea?

45 replies

verygentlydoesit · 27/05/2013 11:53

I think I've almost come to terms with the fact that my P is too selfish to be with any longer. It's taken me a long while to accept this and I'm so sad that the family unit I hoped for looks like an impossible dream.

We have a wonderful DS (6) and he I'm incredibly sad for him, but I'm determined to do whatever I can to give him a happy life despite things turning out like this.

P thinks I'm overreacting when I call him on his selfish or unreasonable behaviour. He twists what I say, blames me, accuses me of bring unsupportive and claims that if I didn't keep resorting to the 'silent treatment' everything would be fine. I do go quiet sometimes, it's just when I feel hopeless and don't know what else to do- but it's more like bring quiet than full on silent treatment.

Anyway, he just tint listen and can't see things from my POV, I want to be secure in the knowledge that I've said my piece so to speak. I'm very very tempted to write him a letter- I would try to keep it fairly brief and not too emotional. I just feel like I need to know that I've expressed myself, and explained why we can't carry on like this- that it's not because I don't live him, but it's because of his behaviour.

Would it be a bad idea to do this? I know he may well still be unable to see my POV. It just feels important to me to do it- but I don't trust my instincts.....

OP posts:
pickledparsnip · 27/05/2013 11:57

I think it's a great idea. I find writing letters the best way to get my point across. I can say exactly what I mean without being interrupted. Once he reads it you can discuss it.

Original poster
verygentlydoesit · 27/05/2013 12:03

Thanks pickled. I'm not sure he will be prepared to discuss it but at least I will have tried.

I think it might be tricky to write, but I perhaps need to try....

OP posts:
eccentrica · 27/05/2013 13:37

Dont expect him to suddenly see the error of his ways though!

pickledparsnip · 27/05/2013 13:54

Yeah give it a go. I agree with eccentrica though, he may not see the error of his ways at all. My ex sure as hell didn't, we could discuss things til we were blue in the face, he would never get it. I hope you have more luck.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/05/2013 13:56

TBH I wouldn't bother. It's not that he doesn't 'understand' why you are unhappy, it's because he does not consider your feelings as important as his. Because he is The Man Of The House and therefore he will prioritize his own comfort and wellbeing, and tune out your complaints. Even if you leave, he will moan to his mates about bloody women and find another one to do his housework...

BarbarianMum · 27/05/2013 13:59

If it makes you feel listened to, then fine. But I really don't think it's suddenly going to make it 'click' with him, or promote a better discussion b/w you or anything productive like that. Sorry. Sad

Original poster
verygentlydoesit · 27/05/2013 14:05

Thanks for the different perspectives. SGB and Barbarian, I am beginning to realise that he probably will never listen or change, but it is hard to come to terms with.

I just think that if I know for sure that I've said what I need to say. If i do this in a letter, then if we split up I can tell myself I've already said it all and there's nothing to be gained from trying to make him see my POV.

OP posts:
OddSockMonster · 27/05/2013 14:09

You could write it just to get your own thoughts in order but after that, the best place for it is in the bin. It's quite a nice release, and might help you to state to him clearly what the problem is, but it's unlikely to actually make a difference.

If you do still want to write something out for him, write your first draft with as much emotion as you want, bin/burn it, and then write out a very simple one to him but without any emotion in it - he could simply turn that back on you.

Original poster
verygentlydoesit · 27/05/2013 14:17

That sounds like a good plan onesock, thank you*.

I'm not quite sure for what reasons some posters think it would be a bad idea? Would anyone be able to explain?

OP posts:
A1980 · 27/05/2013 14:22

Does anyone remember the friends episode where Rachel writes Ross the letter. He falls asleep on it and can't ne arsed reading it.
Exactly: men don't like that stuff

Original poster
verygentlydoesit · 27/05/2013 14:26

Hmm, I'm not considering it because I think he will like it. If I wanted to do what he liked I would just put up with his unreasonable behaviour like a good girl!

I'm considering doing it for me, so I know I've said my bit.....

OP posts:
Wereonourway · 27/05/2013 14:29

If its going to help you op, by all means go for it. I suspect it will fall on deaf ears.

I left my emotionally abuaive ex last summer, and like you felt the need to express myself, to summarise my feelings and draw a conclusion. Even to get some sort of acknowledgment from him.

It didn't help, nothing would. Even now he is so inherently selfish, absolutely nothing, however reasoned gets through to him.

He refuses to empathise with anyone in any way. If you suspect your ex is the same I suspect it will be a wasted exercise.

Good on you for looking forward, it's the best thing I've ever done. Good luck

FrickingFedUp · 27/05/2013 14:32

I really would try couples therapy. Then he HAS to listen to you. If he won't do it he isa lost cause.

Original poster
verygentlydoesit · 27/05/2013 14:35

It's so good to hear that splitting up was a good move for you wereonourway, I'm so scared that I will regret it.

It's very hard for me to accept that P has no empathy, however weighing up the evidence, it certainly looks that way.

OP posts:
Original poster
verygentlydoesit · 27/05/2013 14:37

frucking I'm absolutely positive he wouldn't come to therapy (although for the same of trying everything I should probably ask him to). I've had some myself and found it immensely helpful.

OP posts:
nenevomito · 27/05/2013 14:39

I was going to say, write it, stock it in an envelope some where safe and read it yourself in a few years time.

Don't send anything to him. If he doesn't listen to you when you speak, a letter won't work either, he'll just find a way to use it against you.

Good luck.

Wereonourway · 27/05/2013 14:39

It may be that your dp isn't like mine. But at the very base of all of our issues was his selfishness and his total refusal to accept or take on any responsibility whatsoever.

Very very deep rooted, I fought to change this for so long. It was exhausting. Only now, 9 months on have I truly accepted his horrible ways.

I hope for a happy outcome for you, whatever you decide x

Original poster
verygentlydoesit · 27/05/2013 14:42

Do you mind me asking what bought you the acceptance that he won't change wereonourway? It's so hard to accept, much easier to blame myself but I don't think I can hide from the fact he's incredibly selfish much longer.

OP posts:
Noregrets78 · 27/05/2013 14:49

As others have said - getting it down on paper can be a tremendous relief. Especially as if he is the 'typical type' he will continue to twist your words and confuse you, then be nice, and you may not be able to remember why you wanted to leave in the first place...

For that reason - I really really value things I've written over the years, as reminders of how he made me feel. So I'd say write it down for yourself, but keep it, don't burn or bin it.

Then yes - write an edited version for him if it would make you feel better, but if you're expecting him to read it, or take it on board, don't bother as you'll be disappointed.

BarbarianMum · 27/05/2013 14:58

You know, I think if this was really important to him he'd be doing/suggesting things too, not just leaving it to you to 'try everything.'

His selfishness in no way reflects badly on you, or your commitment to, or role in, this relationship. Or on yourself as a person.

Wereonourway · 27/05/2013 14:59

It's a tough one. Time? Distance- ie not living with it day to day.

Actually seeing his appalling behaviour as an outsider. Realising how shit my life was and being so thankful for the sanctuary of my own home with ds.

Just knowing the house wouldn't be covered in vomit at 5am, that if I wanted to leave the washing up I could. That if I forgot to put the bin out on bin day I wouldn't "get wrong".
Knowing my bank balance is as it was the last time I checked it and not £100 down due to yet another binge.
There are some horrific examples how his nastiness but ill not go into them.

The list is endless. And amazingly I forgave so many times for all of the above and more, and like you, thought it was my fault.

He still drinks all weekend. Cancels contact continuously, tried to bully me into his way of thinking and lashes out verbally now I'm stronger and stand up for myself.

Yes it's been tough, but only cos of his continued bullying tactics, which I'm getting better at rising above btw.

Have you heard of narcissism? My ex to a t. I'm not saying it will be the case for you partner but googling it was an enlightenment to me.

To have a term for his behaviour, to finally understand it was him, not me.

Pls feel free to pm anytime, I'm by no means an expert in MN terms, there are fabulous ladies on this board who know far more than me, but I'm happy to listen, anytime at all

OddSockMonster · 27/05/2013 15:02

Agree with Barbarian, plus you're not the one making him selfish. He's just like that.

You can change your actions to suit him, but you can never change him, or his actions. And you can't magic him up a dose of empathy. If he hasn't got it now, he's not going to develop it in response to anything you say. You can either live with him as he is, or leave.

Original poster
verygentlydoesit · 27/05/2013 15:04

He says there's no point in him trying anything because I won't move past his most recent selfish decision (a late afternoon flit to the pub during a much needed, promised family day).

I was so angry that he did this despite promising a family day. It is typical of him. If he apologised, or even tried to understand why I was hurt I could move past it.

I withdrew a bit after he did it, i didn't know what else to do. He called this the silent treatment, and now, according to him, my silent treatment means he's never going to be sorry and everything is my fault.

I feel guilty about withdrawing, I think that's why I'm desperate to explain myself.

OP posts:
Wereonourway · 27/05/2013 15:31

Do not worry about withdrawing, what's the alternative??

He will not see your pov, however you get it across.

I spent the last 2 years angry and resentful, having screaming matches, writing letters, pleading with him, involving family to try to get him to change.

In truth it only exasperated the situation.

Stepping away, not caring anymore has been the best tonic for me.

I still get upset at his cruelness and selfishness, woth regards to ds, but he doesn't see that. There's no point in trying to reason with someone who is unreasonable.

I've read many threads on here and that stuck in my mind.
It's a waste of your energy and your time, it really sounds so.

I'm sorry that I keep referring to my ex, but things you say resonate so much.

You can only control you, you have to put il yourself first, do not spend the rest of your life waiting for someone to change. You, and your dc, are worth much more than that

Lizzabadger · 27/05/2013 15:56

I wouldn't give him the letter. At best he will find it irritating and at worst it could trigger rage.

I would say to him that you either go to couples counselling or split up and mean it.