I want to write a 'final' letter to P- bad idea?

[verygentlydoesit]

I think I've almost come to terms with the fact that my P is too selfish to be with any longer. It's taken me a long while to accept this and I'm so sad that the family unit I hoped for looks like an impossible dream.

We have a wonderful DS (6) and he I'm incredibly sad for him, but I'm determined to do whatever I can to give him a happy life despite things turning out like this.

P thinks I'm overreacting when I call him on his selfish or unreasonable behaviour. He twists what I say, blames me, accuses me of bring unsupportive and claims that if I didn't keep resorting to the 'silent treatment' everything would be fine. I do go quiet sometimes, it's just when I feel hopeless and don't know what else to do- but it's more like bring quiet than full on silent treatment.

Anyway, he just tint listen and can't see things from my POV, I want to be secure in the knowledge that I've said my piece so to speak. I'm very very tempted to write him a letter- I would try to keep it fairly brief and not too emotional. I just feel like I need to know that I've expressed myself, and explained why we can't carry on like this- that it's not because I don't live him, but it's because of his behaviour.

Would it be a bad idea to do this? I know he may well still be unable to see my POV. It just feels important to me to do it- but I don't trust my instincts.....

If I were you I wouldnt. He might use the letter against you in some way. Anything but putting pen to paper. If you must then rip it up afterwards. Good luck.

wereonourway thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm sorry that your EX put you thought such a hard time and I applaud you for getting free.

Sorry if I'm missing something obvious, but how could P use a letter like this against me?

Well it depends what you write for a start. Personally I would never write someone a letter of this nature. Im trying hard to explain myself but I cant! Sorry! Its just something I wouldnt do.

Its like a letter is for life. You cant unwrite it. Its there forever if you give it to him.

That's a really good point ^^ you wouldn't want him to over analyse it, quote bits back at you, take the mickey or pass it on... Do you think he could do that sort of thing?

I guess I wouldn't put anything past him, if we split up especially.

However, if it's all true and not overly emotional I'm not sure how much he could use it to hurt or humiliate me in the future?

Would you benefit from some counselling alone?? Again if you have already been?

I totally understand the need to get it out, as I said in my first reply. I was there 9 months ago.

I just don't feel it would help you at all for him to read it as having read your posts I don't think you will get any meaningful kind of response.

Are you hoping it would shock him into changing??

I agree about him using it against you. A bit like texts; they can be read in the wrong way. My ex was great at assuming my messages had hidden meanings. Texts were 'pestering' him - usually asking when he was actually going to get home stinking of booze as he was already hours late and his dinner cold.
I think you need to do what you feel will help you, but be wary of putting anything he can class as 'moany' or anything you think he might twist and/or show to his parents/friends etc.

I'm in a similar situation and thought H might respond to something written as it would give him a chance to reflect, in his own time.He has never responded or changed his behaviour.We have tried counselling but he still refuses to hear me and take any responsibility for his actions.He just tries to blame me and has selectively taken phrases and used them against me. Counselling was just another forum to berate me for my 'unreasonable' behaviour.Unreasonable is defined as being angry when he has done something detrimental to me or the family.

Lundy's book Shall I stay if or Go has been helpful, it encourages you to write down your feelings and it also explains why you feel the way you do.Conflicts in a relationship can be resolved IF you are in a healthy relationship but in unhealthy relationships you are likely to get your P's response.I wrote to my H as I was trying to change his behaviour which was a pointless exercise.I now keep a journal which helps me to process my feelings.

There was a recent post about a couple arguing over the decision to get a cat.It resonated with me as I know that H would never respond as the DH did.It just highlighted to me how H would never have a similar regard for my feelings, if he wants to do something nothing will stop him, even if he hurts his family in the process.

Oh and never ever try sarcasm - ex really didn't get my tongue in cheek text telling him I would just have to give our daughter up for adoption then (seeing as he was trying to convince me I was indeed completely insane and should probably be sectioned) and he had no intention of looking after her. I was trying to make a point that I am all she has as he can't be arsed to even see her let alone look after her...instead he showed it to all and sundry to show I was indeed crazy...

Thanks for the thoughtful responses, it's nice to know others understand where I am, although at the same time I'm very sorry to hear that other people are struggling too.

I'm not hoping a letter will shock him, I'm also aware that there's very very little chance of it getting through to him. All I want to do is to help myself to know that I got my point across without it bring twisted and turned back into me the moment the words leave my mouth.

I often find myself thinking along the lines of "if only I'd explained myself differently, or stuck to my guns, or used a different word" etc etc.. It's easy to blame myself for his lack of empathy, or understanding- thinking that I've expressed myself badly. If I get it down in a letter I will know I said what I needed to.

I'm reading the Lundy book- it is brilliant and really resonates with me. It's so apt that I'm skimming it hungrily looking for an answer, although I suppose I know there is no answer- so I will need reread it more slowly next time....

You say you want to 'get your point across' and also that 'there's very very little chance it will get through to him.'

These statements are contradictory.

It was a big weight off my shoulders when I stopped trying to get through to, and explain myself to my ex.

Write the letter, keep it, and re read when/if you have a wobble.

You are right whitebird, I'm contradicting myself. I'm also struggling to explain myself.

I get a nagging doubt after verbal arguments / discussions with P that I've not explained myself properly. I feel if I write it down I can at least say what I need to say, and know I've done it.

Our issues are fairly simple in many ways, it would be a fairly short letter .

You have spaghetti-head, induced by emotional abuse. Check out the EA support thread. where you will find help in unravelling it all.

Trying to reason with an unreasonable man is like trying to put a tent up in a gale. You end up in a frustrated heap of poles and canvas and eventually...eventually you see that it was a completely pointless activity because the gale was out there wreaking its havoc whether you'd joined it with the tent or not.

It might be more cathartic to write an unreasonable letter. One that you never send. The one where you swear and shout and tell it like it really is.

I did that once (couldn't tell the person what I really thought at the time) and it was very satisfying.

Spaghetti head and putting a tent up in a game sadly sounds about right!

P has said over and over that there seems little point talking because we have reached a stage where we just go around and around in circles. These 'circles' have started since I began to stand up for myself than usual.

So should I just agree with him that there's no point talking, because I just can't get through to him?

I'm in the same place as you. I say yes, just agree there's no point going over it all as you don't get anywhere. My stbx thinks we're splitting bcos "we just don't get on anymore" - I know the truth. Its infuriating but he'll never have insight. Since I stopped trying to make him see, make him understand how his behavior is unacceptable, my mental health is better, we still argue but so much less and I feel I'm on the road to freedom, even though I'm still in the house with him and will be for a few months. When dcs and I leave and set up home he'll be awful about money but he won't be there at the end of each day. If you can, let it go. If you write you know he'll find a way to make it wrong that you wrote it, he'll find some way to get angry or mocking about it. Protect yourself and plan for the future.

I'm another one for writing but not sending the letter. It sounds like you are still very much of the mindset that there is a secret combination of words or actions that would stop him from being a selfish arse, there aren't. He does what he does not because of what you do or don't say, he does and what he does because its who he is.

I suggest that you stop looking for validation in the wrong person, let go of the fantasy of who he was or might be.

Yes I think there is no point talking. I think, sad though it may seem, you should put your energy into splitting up, unless you want to live like this forever.