Does your DP ever ignore your tears?

[Roma2013]

Had a row with dh this morning. Pretty major one. I was very upset. Afterwards, we agreed he would go to get some shopping in, I d make kids their breakfast. When I returned (shopping done, kids fed), I was still upset, sat on the bed with tears rolling down my cheeks. He saw this and said "I need to get myself some breakfast' and left the room. No acknowledgemnt of my tears or upset at all. It just seems so ..hard-hearted. He doesn't give a shit does he?

It might just be that he simply doesn't know how to "fix you", and that he would expect you to actually talk to him about why you are so upset.

Perhaps he thought you needed a bit of space?

If he ignored your tears every time you cried and never tried to comfort you then I would find that a bit concerning, as part of a partnership is to support one abother.

But if he was still feeling crappy after the row and needed space himself, or he thought you needed a bit of time to yourself, then I think that is ok.

Can you try talking to him and saying that you felt like you wanted some comfort and it was upsetting that he didn't pick up on your cue?

It depends on so much, sometimes it is easy to feel that tears are being used manipulatively, especially if you are not much of a crier yourself.

No; sorry. Even if I'm being over the top and unreasonable, he knows the tears come from somewhere.

if you are crying a lot over issues with him you should LTB

I used to cry regularly with my H - abusive relationship

Rarely cry now with DP - healthy relationship

Crying is brought about by frustration

Crying is a poor way to communicate, especially if you are crying because of an argument not because someone has just died.
He may have felt that you were crying to try and manipulate him eg you cry so he has to be sympathetic and apologetic so the cryer "wins" the argument.
If my husband cried when we argued I'd get pissed off (not that we argue very often)
If you want to discuss something then discuss it. Crying is just feeling sorry for yourself, understandable if someone has died but not if you are having an argument that needs resolving.
If your husband often makes you feel sad enough to cry then the relationship isn't working.
He may have also been very hungry if he'd been shopping and you had had your breakfast, and unable to face another emotional encounter without eating. I cope with stress less well when hungry.

If the crying is a result of an argument, even with a pause in between, they do see it as another "tactic" - they think you are trying to bully an apology out of them. If you want to make up, go hug him, or invite him to come and hug you - that's a conciliatory "let's put it behind us and communicate in a more cooperative and loving way" kind of gesture that is generally taken more positively. If you are still angry and want him to apologise, crying is more likely to reignite the argument.
That said, if you find yourself in tears too often and either not wanting to reach out to him or not knowing how, there are obviously problems far beyond this.
My DH is very in touch with emotions generally and cares very much how I feel but still hates to see me cry, always feels so helpless if it's something he can't fix and then he ends up sounding angry. It never ends well.

If I didn't run to OH when he cried I'd know I didn't love him any more.

OH can (and occasionally does) watch me cry and ignore it.

We deal with arguments differently.

I need physical (but not usually sexual) contact before we are resolved. OH finds it hard until the argument is resolved.

We suit in lots of other ways so, although I find this devastating, it isn't something that, by itself, is enough to call time for me.

But context is everything.

I suspect it depends on how often you cry. My husband and I rarely cry and very rarely due to arguments, so crying is more likely to elicit sympathy and concern.
If one of us cried every time we argued and we argued alot there would probably be more of a "he's/she's off again" attitude.
I don't want to hug someone I am angry with, I need to get the issue sorted and be friends again first.

Yes, my partner has ignored my tears after arguments before. I know he can't handle it sometimes but will always give me a hug when we've both calmed down.

yes, sometimes, although I've always put that down to womens ways of dealing with things and mens ways of dealing with things

No, he's never ignored my tears. He knows that sometimes I'm down about other things and need space. He acknowledges my feelings, brings me a drink and gives me space. He's there for when I need a shoulder to cry on. I would be beyond mad if he was the cause of my upset and he ignored it.

I have cried in front of DH twice in the eight years we've been together. He knows that I absolutely hate being seen crying, even by him, so that's his cue to leave the room and respectfully give me space. Different people have different ways of dealing with things (not womens ways and mens ways!).

And I agree with others here that it can be used as a tool for manipulation, I've known a couple of people like this and I'm afraid I've learned to ignore tears from them as it's nothing to do with how they feel but more about how much control they want over the situation.

If you want your DH to understand how you feel, you need to talk to him in explicit terms. He's not a mind-reader.

I wasn't using tears as a way of getting what I want. Actually, I was in the bedroom away from him until he walked in. I'd already started crying alone (didn t know he d come in tbh). It may well have been self-indulgent.. I just felt it was all so unfair (the topic of the row). I'd tried explaining and got nowhere so I guess I did feel frustrated too.

Roma - I have been in the same situation as you. Crying, and being ignored, lost count of the times this has happened to me. In fact the most recent time I can remember was me sobbing into my dinner, and apart from him saying ' maybe you should call into work sick' he carried on eating his dinner. Cleaned the plate off as well. He is now an ex.

Why cry though? Why not just discuss the problem? If you were crying too many times to count there obviously was a problem, but the problem wasn't that he ignored the crying but that the 2 of you didn't have a better way of communicating and that you let yourself be miserable so often.
The sobbing into your dinner thing makes me think of posts by BadtoWorse about her manipulative mother who was always crying into her dinner when she didn't get her own way.

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If it's serious and over an argument or something going wrong - no. If it's over Holby, I usually get raised eyebrows.

I probably get more weepy at films and operas than I do in real life.
I'll cry if someone close to me is very ill but arguments just don't make me cry, they just engage my problem solving emotions.
I think women who feel the need to cry often in a relationship should just get out of the relationship. Your marriage should make you more happy not less. My husband and I don't argue over anything important enough to cry about.
If he wanted to leave I'd cry, but that wouldn't be a regular thing.

I sometimes cry when I'm in an argument with my husband, we have a quite firey relationship and the consequence of this is he gets angry/storms off and I cry, I wouldn't say often but every few months. If we are in the middle of an argument he wouldn't comfort me over the tears because he feels equally upset and bad, it just doesn't manifest as tears.

If we were not in the middle of an argument and I was explaining something or discussing it and started crying, he would take that as a sign that it was really significant/comfort me, ditto for upset tears.

I do think context is everything and tears are not a trump-card in an argument, but if they are frequent and usually ignored, this is not good.

What was the row about?

My dp always ignores my tears but it doesn't bother me anymore. I know he cares but just can't handle tears if me being ill of anything like that

Dp says "Dont be crying" and attempts to calm me but its awkward cause I know he doesn't really know how to help.

Can you chat about the basis of the argument without it becoming very heated or you crying? (Im v emotional and completely understand if you cant)

How does he deal with disappointment? Can you relate to how he reacts?

2rebecca, thank you for that.

I left my ex, because HE was the one that was manipulative. HE was the one that was abusive... My tears have never been a way to get someone to do what I want them to do. But more like exasperation with the situation at the time, and feeling frustrated that an argument was not resolved or I felt unheard which I think is how the OP feels.

I agree with SirSugar- I used to cry almost every day with my ex. It was a horrible relationship which I should have left years before I did.

I would second the idea that men don't respond well to crying but it doesn't mean they don't desperately care that you're hurting.

In my experience, when I cry DH can feel (a) terrified (b) controlled (c) emotionally overwhelmed to the point of detaching (d) guiltridden (e) helpless (f) frustrated that he's now going to be a toad when all he was doing was being as stubborn as me

None of which could be defined as not giving a shit. All of which can look like stalking off for cereal.

Take heart!