Does your DP ever ignore your tears?

[Roma2013]

Had a row with dh this morning. Pretty major one. I was very upset. Afterwards, we agreed he would go to get some shopping in, I d make kids their breakfast. When I returned (shopping done, kids fed), I was still upset, sat on the bed with tears rolling down my cheeks. He saw this and said "I need to get myself some breakfast' and left the room. No acknowledgemnt of my tears or upset at all. It just seems so ..hard-hearted. He doesn't give a shit does he?

Yes, Eternal. That's exactly how I feel.

The row was about something he did that hurt me considerably. I think he thinks it's now in the past but I feel it was so detrimental to trust (not a OW, btw) that we're on shaky ground. His ignoring of my upset when he stumbled in on it signals to me he thinks I should have got over it by now (it s been 3 weeks since the incident). The incident was virtually a deal breaker. The ignoring almost certainly makes it so for me, I think

My dp has ignored my crying before now. Because he doesn't know how to fix the problem. He always knows why I've been crying, sometimes it's been down to an argument (we've only had one argument big enough for me to cry over, but it took quite a while to get over it), sometimes it's been over something else. He just doesn't know how to fix it, and he doesn't deal well with crying (who does?)

I think from what you've described he probably thought you wanted some time alone. If I was crying alone in my bedroom my dp would be right in not disturbing me, I wouldn't want him to come and 'comfort' me, I'm perfectly capable of telling him I'm upset if I need some support.

These threads are always impossible to advise on without giving us some context. So it depends what the breach of trust was, how it's been resolved and how you communicate in your relationship. I don't get the point of these 'Does your DP...' threads tbh. What does it matter what happens in other people's relationships? Tell us about yours, what's happened and you'll get more specific advice.

So it's more to do with the fact that you're not yet ready to move on from whatever happened?

I guess, Numberlock, you're right. I m not ready to move on but largely because I don't feel dh has fully addressed the hurt he s caused, excerbated by his ignoring the tears. If I felt he d addressed it, I wouldnt be crying out of despair, frustration and upset. But - he's not going to now, I don't think (I've tried to explain and I think it's his way of shirking responsibility of the hurt his actions caused tbh). Looks like then I have two choices: continue hurting or toughen up (which makes me more emotionally distant and isn t my 'natural' state).

Well, there's the third option of course.

What made this 'almost' a deal-breaker?

If you weren't married/didn't have kids, would whatever it is have been a definite deal-breaker?

Doesn't this response tip it into 'definite' territory, if he just doesn't get it?

Because if he doesn't, won't the same thing happen again?

Yes. He would. He has done it before. The third option needs weighing up against the needs of the children.

I can't see he has any reason not to do it again in that case, sadly.