So bloody unhappy and lonely. Please help!

[DippyDoohDahDay]

...And that's after divorcing xh, who I attributed a lot of problems too ( his cannabis use, harshness to me whilst pregnant and our recently diagnosed autistic son, disturbing things from his past and his temper, harsh to me while pregnant, hated my hormones, cultural differences). Divorce was finalised five months ago.
Am off sick, again, from full time work, with another depression episode. Xh sees dc for a few hours on a weekend, gives minimal child support and blames me for wrecking his life. Keeps threatening to go back to home country and cut off dcs.
I will have to just get on with this. But I am so lonely. I do have friends, but they have lives and partners. I love my dc, they are very demanding too! I have put on four stone, don't have the feeling of attractiveness anymore and am very sad, generally. Have felt suicidal but would never ever do that to my children. When my lovely parents have the dcs (3 and 5) for an evening/ night, as today, I sit here listening to music, or have some wine, and just feel steeped in unhappiness. I have joined a gym but illness and medication changes have kept me away a bit in the last week or two.
Please can someone tell me that they have been here and there is a way out. I am late thirties and was married once before to a lovely guy but we were together at twenty and soon after married at 25 we ran out of things to talk about, it was really sad. I feel like I have made so many mistakes and no one will want me. So what do I have to offer to friends.? I can be a laugh, used to be a bit quirky and flirty, it's all gone. Sorry this sounds so self indulgent, but I can't stop the tears at the moment. How do I change my situation?
Thanks.

Sorry you feel so crap, I've been there. Thing is, it passes, eventually. In the meantime get out as much as possible- park, woods- and you'll feel better. You're not a failure- ending a crap relationship is what strong bright people do. And be wary of the wine, it can make everything worse depression wise. Hope you feel ok soon

Thanks joblot, am glad you worked your way out.

I don't have much advice but I read your OP and really feel for you. If your medication isn't working as it should you should visit your GP again. Are you having counselling? Can you lean on your parents a bit more? can you minimise contact with your ex? I'm so sorry you're feeling this way .

Sorry to bombard you with questions. Don't answer if you don't want to.

You have loads to offer friends, your personality for a start, you sound like you were fun to be around, until you lost your confidence, & I am sure that there are plenty of people that will want you as a new friend or partner. This is a good place to get new friends & great advice, have you got a MN local site, so that you could attend a meet up.

Hi mantella. Thanks for your concern. I have had and am due to have some more counselling. Just waiting for the waiting list to shorten! Am not seeming to respond t antidepressants so gp has referred me to psychiatrist (scary!) to look at other prescribing options. I don't want to end up like a zombie but I just want to feel on an even keel!
My parents are great but I can't lean on them anymore. They are seventy and have other family obligations. - they are massively proactive but I am still wobbly (figuratively speaking, pardon the pun:). I've calmed down a bit now, but it's almost n bearable when I start feeling that hopeless. Work are very understanding, I probably need to get back there for my sanity!
You are right about limiting contact, I try that wherever possible. If I speak to him, I end up feeling sorry for him!!

Flatbelly (gosh wish that was me!)...thanks, I have just popped onto the local board (with different name) and logged my interest if any meet ups planned :)
It's maybe too early, but. Went on pof, I get messages then I remove my profile as I just ain't got that swing at present!

You sound so unhappy I'm so sorry
You need to get back in control of things though and find some happiness. Next time idiot exh threatens to go back to home country call his bluff. How dare he hang that over you! Doesn't sound likes he's much help anyway!
You need to invest more in yourself. The gym was a good start. What about weight watchers or slinking world type things? They are quite social and sensible plans. Maybe something like that would help?

Ah feck!

How are you feeling today Dippy? Did you get much sleep?x

Hi dippy - I'm not quite out the other side yet, but your situation sounded so similar to mine I had to reply. My dcs are 5 and 2 and my ex is also constantly threatening to return to his home country (because he is too poor since I called the CSA) and was awful to me throughout pregnancy/birth - he left me to get a cab home the day after I gave birth as he didn't want to miss a day of (self employed) work because I had dared to say money might be a bit tight while I was on mat leave.

I don't really have any advice for that part - I almost think it would be better for the kids if my ex returned home, as then at least there would be a reason for him not being in their life much - as it is, I have to say he's "working" every day.

I am also about 4 stone overweight - I was 5 stone but have been doing the 5:2 diet and really recommend it - I only have to be "good" two days a week, which is about all I can manage with everything else going on!

I know you say you don't like relying on your parents, but I'm sure they love being able to help. My parents live hundreds of miles away, so it really is just me and the kids, which is not good at all. I feel down quite often - like you I had attributed my down moods to being with my ex, but being a single parent does bring a whole new set of challenges, so it's not surprising that you are still experiencing times of depression. For me, it sometimes helps to imagine I was still with ex, and that immediate sinking feeling reminds me life really was much worse before.

Anyway, sorry for the long post - I hope you are having a good day so far, and I just wanted to let you know someone else is going through it, too!

Keep your chin up there girl. A lot of us have been there before you. You have to keep telling yourself you are a nice person and not get too hung up on the idea that because you're not with someone you are somehow worthless and your life is without meaning. No-one knows the meaning of it all. It's hard to make sense of things when you are down. I have been on my own for nearly two years now, am living with my 18 yr old DS and it is hard work keeping going some days. It IS important tho' that you look after yourself physically as this is a big factor in maintaining your self-esteem which has taken a knock. Regarding dating websites there are a few decent people on there but they are very hard to find and it can be a demoralising experience sifting through all the bad ones. Would another partner make you truly happy at the moment or are you just responding to a need to be with someone/anyone? Relationships can be very demanding, even when they are going well so maybe just make the most of being single and tell yourself there are worse things that could happen in the world.

HI Dippy sorry you are feeling so bad, my own opinion is that basically you are having all the bad feelings now that you should have had in your appalling marriage and are basically exhausted, depressed and ill as the result of that. It has not magically changed because you are still reeling from the awfulness of it and your husband is still around poisoning things (here's hoping he goes back, eh). I think you are basically a coper and have coped for so long, but it's like a dam bursting and now he's gone, you can actually admit just how bad it was (very edited in your OP). No wonder you are just knocked for six when you sit down with a bottle of wine and contemplate what you have been through.

Go to the drs/psychiatrist and get help to rebuild your life. You have been through so much stress and anxiety, it is not surprising you are low right now, but you will get up that long hill to feeling better and being the person you really are again (ok, a bit battered around the edges, but your humour and so on will return once you get the depression cracked). Please limit all contact with your husband, email ONLY and hand overs as quick as possible and should he disappear, consider it a blessing. Best of luck as always.

And please please don't look for another guy at the moment, that is just not what you need at all, the online dating world is really harsh at the best of times and I have friends with lesser problems and not suffering from depression who are really struggling with it and finding it affecting their self-esteem. You need to take the next few months and years to build yourself up again, find some new friends or take up opportunities you haven't had before, get counselling, get stable, get back to enjoying your job. You don't need your head messed with by guys just having a bit of fun which will not be good for you. I can't emphasise enough that you need to be very self-protective right now and pof is simply the worst place for you to be - call an old friend, say hi to a new mum at the school gates, join a support group for your son's difficulties and make that new life for yourself. Once that has happened (and it will ) you can then look about and wonder whether a new man might be nice, but not at the expense of your stability.

Hi all, just checked back in, did not expect to see any more posts, so thank you!!
Mantella, I am ok thanks,
Know I have to knock the vino finally on its head, and Sunday was another low for me, thus proving that antidepressants and mood stabilisers are just the right thing for me.
marryinhaste, thanks for your post. I too spend so much time saying daddy is at work ( they are only young), they must think that he is the hardest worker in the world (really, he is not!!!). I got the fast diet book but it looks too much for just now, good on you though!!
Thanks lifer and mumsy (waves).. I take on board what you are saying about dating, and am going to steer clear. I met up with one gorgeous man but he was totally self absorbed and a bit of a plonked so made my excuses!
mumsy your posts , as ever, really speak to me (wish you were a neighbour:).. Thanks for your opinion of me as a coper, sometimes I feel anything but. I went through a lot of emotions, unpleasant ones, when I was with xh, but had not considered I was still processing it all. Maybe I have been too hard on myself and my role in our breakup.
Great idea about the support group..I have done so.
I do still sometimes run through a reunion though, in my head. Why do I do that? Every weekend when he is to see the boys, I feel very unsettled. And hate it that he gives me a pittance but takes them, sometimes, to restaurants..obviously for him really..and buys them unnecessary toys every week. But I guess that's just absent dad ness...makes up for him never asking about their school progress or wanting to attend any of the autism assessment meetings, hmmm. Rant over :)

I'm glad you're feeling better. The above sounds like good plan. Taking care of yourself, nurturing yourself and working on yourself is best before even thinking about dating again (although from your last post it seems you're fab enough to attract gorgeous men , they'll be waiting for when you're ready).

As for your ex, do you have a proper legal agreement in place for maintenance? It doesn't seem fair for you to be getting a pittance. Each weekend should get easier for you as time passes.

Hi again, thank you. Unfortunately he chooses to work black market cash in hand, so on paper owes me zilch. He likes that interpretation of it I think! Even solicitor said there is nothing I can do. When he was falsely claiming legal aid for divorce, as he was on job seekers but also working, his solicitor told him he should only pay me something like five pounds a week!! He quoted this to me, disregarding the extra two hundred he earns a week, like because a legal person said it, ergo.

Hi. I think you have a lot to offer to new friends and one day a new loving partner. I think you sound very kind and genuine.

If I was in a town by you, I would definitely love to be your friend. I often feel very alone too, you'd be surprised how many people do. Often even those who look happy, arent x

How dodgy is he? You are certainly well rid! I'll never understand these types of people who can but won't support their children . perhaps you could think about that every time you imagine a reunion in your head!

DippyDoohDahDay
Just wanted to say, i'm in a similar situation, but with older children, but i was on anti depressents for a few years, then my GP referred me to a specialist to have my medication looked at as i just wasn't any better. The difference to me mentally since my change in medication has been amazing, i just cope now one day at a time, but a year ago i couldn't do that, i was permanently in a stressed state with the worry, so don't worry about your appointment, hopefully you'll be prescribed medication that does work for you. Then you'll feel so much better, and be able to cope. Know what its like with an ex who lies and lies to avoid paying the proper amount of maintenance, just wish there was something i could say to help with that bit, but you concentrate on making you better, then you'll be better for your children x

Hi Dippy
Sending you a hug
Please take the time to look around and find some positives... Those fresh clean sheets on your bed all to yourself. If there is mess, hey, it's YOUR mess and you'll deal with it when YOU want to... Small things but they can all add up to improve your outlook. How about making a list of the things you don't like then write down a small step that you can make to change it?

Don't beat yourself up - it gets easier

Joy5

Am fuming as their dad has cancelled seeing them this Sunday as "has things to do " but won't see them Saturday or a week day instead. When I asked why he said "because I have my own life, YOU CANNOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO! FUCK YOU! BITCH".
Really. Why did I ever go neer him. Totally self obsessed, entitled prick.
Thus end of rant.
I think he will go to the far side of fuck soon, and ne'er return ever again. Good, then the boys can adjust as they will have to at sometime, and I can live and breathe easy!!

I know this is easier said than done when low but what about exercise. I had to force myself to do the 30 day shred dvd tonight (as I do every night) but it took my mind of things and hopefully will help me loose wieght. Really try to cut back on wine too as it will pile the pounds on. FWIW I feel shit about relationships too but noone has ever got even a few cm down the isle with me!