DH and I arguing over a bloody cat.

[ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts]

Bit of background... been together almost 7years, married for three, 2 DC, 5 & 1.5.

An opportunity to rehome a cat has come up and I'd love to take her in. DH doesn't like cats (just a general dislike not phobic) so we are at a stalemate.

He just got really moody and said that if I get the cat he will actually leave. It's a dealbreaker for him.

I now feel like I want to get the cat and see if he's bluffing or not. This has thrown up so many questions in my head... Does he think that little of us that he'd leave over a cat? it's not about the cat now.

Am I being stupid? I was quite willing to respect his opinion before he threw that into the mix. I just don't get it.

I've fucking done it again. Jesus I hate being on this phone. Nvm.

totallybursar, you're very wise. thank you

You have to think ahead about this. A pet becomes part of your family. Is it fair to the animal if someone really doesn't want them around?

My DF would do sneaky things like dump cats unceremoniously off chairs when they were sleeping, toe-poke them while letting them out, make sudden loud noises to get them agitated etc - usually not in front of DM, unless he wanted to piss her off. They did separate eventually.

I'm not saying your DH would be like that (hope not anyway) but a basic, continuing reluctance to engage with a pet, constant moaning about the smell and the presence of cat hairs on clothing and furnishings - do you really want that?

What about when you go on holiday - you have to arrange for their care and it can be costly. Vets fees can be costly. All of these things will result in constant friction if he really doesn't want to share a home with a pet.

I really don't see that it's worth the hassle.

I now feel like I want to get the cat and see if he's bluffing or not.... Does he think that little of us that he'd leave over a cat? it's not about the cat now.

No, you're right. It's become a bit of a power struggle. Do you really want to jeopardise what you have for the sake of something which will cost you money you could spend elsewhere, stink your house out (despite all your sterling efforts) and at best cause endless bickering about unnecessary expense?

I think you need to choose your battles more wisely - or start planning your separation!

I think this has gone beyond the cat now, but my ex boyfriend threatened to have my cats put down if I applied to a uni course an hour away.

After we split (not relevant but I like to point out that he cheated) he asked to keep one of my cats. I said no. He bought a cat of his own.

It wasn't about the cat, it was about controlling me.

My current boyfriend asked me to move in with him after only a few months, I wasn't ready and during the discussion I said well what if I wanted to do something like get a cat. He was a bit sad and said "but I wouldn't mind if you wanted to get a cat" (in the most despondent way a 29 year old man can muster!). A year later we're having a baby, but we haven't got the cat yet.

Maybe you CAN judge a man by his attitude to cats! :)

op i think you need to actually talk to him about this. not about the cat but the power struggle thing.

tell him you feel like he always has to win and you always have to compete. tell him also all the positive things you said on this thread.

no point in you deciding to change on your own without telling him. it will work better if you are both on the same page and you both work on it together.

the cat though is a bad idea. not a short term decision that you can easily change if it does not work out.

but do tell him that his threat to leave was a big deal.

I'm just sorry I'm so far behind & make it look like I'm ignoring everyone else!

Wise . Thanks

I'm a VN I always have room for one more stray thing. DH always said no cats, I brought home 2 dumped kittens, he said no more, we accumulated another dog, cat, 2 rats, 3 hedgehogs and a snake. When I said I had found a home for the foster cat he cried. We've still got them all. And he's in love with 'his' cat (a beautiful little girl that fluttered her eyelashes at him & adopted him the day she arrived) to the point he nicked one of my pillows to make her bed comfier even though she sleeps on him all night .
He makes a token protest now but just to make sure I hear him, at the end of the day he knows how important they are to me & helping is to me. How much it means to me & how that makes me feel is more important to him than how he felt about it because Yeh scales tip in my favour - he was not as anti as I am for.
But if I'd battled him, beaten him down by manipulating his feelings for me (as your H is doing with the sulks) he would resent me and them I think.
We heard each other, I validated him, he understood me. It's a lovely bonus he adores them all, his imagining of the situation was wrong but he would have stuck with the scenario in his head & magnified it out of all proportion in order to feel justified if I'd ignored him.

I've just downloaded the app & no idea how it quite works so God knows what I've written - it's really hard to see & review sorry!

Ex and I split up because of an argument over where a table should go.
He said he would move out if I didn't put the table where he wanted it.
He meant it.

I put it where he wanted it but that was the beginning of the end. It was a lightbulb moment.
He was wonderfully easygoing about stuff he didn't care about, but if he did care, then everything was a dealbreaker as far as he was concerned.

The table issue was what finally made me realise he was EA.
He would happily sulk for weeks on end if I dared to criticise him or show even mild annoyance.

A year later he pulled the same stunt, threatened to move out over something trivial.
That time I didn't back down.
He was stunned but carried out his threat.

By then the relationship had been dead in the water for a long time.
It wasn't about the table, just like your quarrel isn't about the cat.

I think cats and dogs, like babies, take two yes votes to get and one no vote to not get one.
I like other peoples dogs. I'm sure Dh would love one, but I don't want to live with one.
We do have a cat, it took two yes votes and a lot of kid begging.

Owning a pet is too serious a commitment to enter into if one of the household is set against it. It's not fair on the pet.

Relate maybe? It doesn't sound like he's necessarily a controlling arse, although there are a few elements. It just sounds like you've both got into that pattern of how to (not) deal with disagreements.

Probably best if you don't go to him declaring that you need to go to Relate because of a cat :o but might be a conversation to start about conflict management/disagreements in general?

I moved out over a cat.
It was my trigger moment- he was EA- but even in a healthier relationship, I'd consider going if my DP moved a cat in against my wishes. Two yes votes needed, as with DC.

thanks for all the responses, i won't reply individually as im on the app and i can't see the thread when im typing. its a bit shit.

so we definitely aren't getting the cat. it wouldn't be fair on the cat that DH wouldn't like it.

i will speak to.him later tonight. he's at work today so ill wait til kids are in bed. he will most likely agree that ot went beyond being about a cat far too quickly. ill say im tired of everything feeling like a competition that i always lose and if he can't learn to compromise on a few things when i make it clear that it means a lot to me then we'll have to think about thongs more seriously.

i will update accordingly.

things. id prefer if he wasn't thinking about thongs

Thongs are often thoroughly distracting yes .

Sounds like a plan. Sometimes a bit of a nudge is all it takes to make us realize we've been a bit of a twat. I'll have my fingers crossed it goes well.
If it doesn't he will be but one man stood against the might of a righteous wife & MN, I would not envy him that

Reminds me of an exp from years ago.

He grew up with pets, I did not.

Nothing would have changed my mind. I like animals but not to live with them.

My sister has one and everytime you go to her house, cat hair everywhere including on your clothes when you leave, litter tray to clean, scratched furniture, the smell of cat food makes my stomach turn, cats periodically puke all over soft furnishings.

Add on vet bills.

Why would you want to deal with that?

He doesn't want a cat, nothing you can do.

Not everyone can live with a cat. Or a dog for that matter. It really is a big deal if you don't like pets.

When it comes to pets I'm afraid if one person really doesn't want one you can't get one. There is no such thing as a compromise on pets.

Could you get a slightly less invasive pet that doesn't have free run of the house?

Personally I'd hate to have a cat, they get everywhere, as does their fur, so I can see his point. I'd be ok with a semi feral one that lived outside. The cat rescue near me is always trying to re-home semi feral cats to anyone with a garden and a shed.

If he'd be happy for you to get a different pet, I'm not sure it is about control.

How would you feel if he wanted to move in a dog? I know you said he doesn't like them, but it's the same idea.

Would he be happy with you having chinchillas, or degus? Mine are very tame and kitten like, but can be put away in their cage, too.

we've spoken...

he said he hadn't realised things always turn into competitions and apologised for not justifying his reasons properly. he said he didn't mean he'd walk out for good when he said he'd leave. he said he meant for an hour or something. he said he'd always come back with his tail between his legs because he can't live without me

i said from now on ill make it clearer when things are important to me and said i accept his decision about the cat it isn't fair on him or the cat. then he said he'd been thinking about the cat all day at work and said it's be great for the kids and he doesn't hate them that much to fall out with me over.

so guess who's coming to stay tomorrow...?

and for the first time it feels like we had a conversation about making a decision and it feels like it was mutual. nobody 'won' or 'lost'

Yay, so happy you are getting your cat.

DH always thought he was allergic to cats, he'd grown up in a home without pets. I thought when I married him I could never have cat, which made me sad, but we were so in love..

Well, as a wedding present, he got me a kitten from the cat home. It was the loveliest, most unselfish gesture of commitment - really, it justified my love for him.

That kitten is 20 this year and so is our happy marriage. It sound like you have the sort of relationship that will go the distance too...

:)

he has his moments but i can't imagine being with anyone else

Now, just keep the momentum and negotiate everything else instead of being his way or yours. :)

ill try my best. he genuinely didn't realise we were competitive. he looked really shocked when i described how i felt. told me to stop keeping things to myself.

Oh wow :) that's lovely! Have been lurking on this thread, and that's a wonderful outcome in every respect :)