DH and I arguing over a bloody cat.

[ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts]

Bit of background... been together almost 7years, married for three, 2 DC, 5 & 1.5.

An opportunity to rehome a cat has come up and I'd love to take her in. DH doesn't like cats (just a general dislike not phobic) so we are at a stalemate.

He just got really moody and said that if I get the cat he will actually leave. It's a dealbreaker for him.

I now feel like I want to get the cat and see if he's bluffing or not. This has thrown up so many questions in my head... Does he think that little of us that he'd leave over a cat? it's not about the cat now.

Am I being stupid? I was quite willing to respect his opinion before he threw that into the mix. I just don't get it.

I think it depends on what is it that he wins the arguments.
It really shouldn't be about winning, but compromising.

If he wins on stuff like getting a cat in the home, then that's fair.

If you only eat what he feels like, then he's unreasonable.

It dies seem that the 'we don't have many arguments' & the he strips when he doesn't get his way & likes the last word are the interrelated problem.

Arguing is a grown up skill - it's not whoever shouts loudest or sulks deepest or wins thing. It's knowing you're starting from opposite ends and meeting in the middle. If you end up in a slanging match or Not Speaking then it's got too far.

What benefit is it to him, or you, to win? Because in reality what has happened is you just display who has the least regard for the other & the family. I don't want to admit to anyone show that it is my main aim to be right, get my way and be Mrs big bollocks at the expense of how the people I love most feel, that it is more important to me to show them their place than be generous enough of spirit to compromise.

The cat - I think you need to call him on it personally. Tell him what you felt - what that would make me feel is 'I mean so little to you that you would threaten to leave because I didn't immediately take your decision as law and drop it'
He needs to justify that like an adult and cut that shit out.
I don't take kindly to idle threats of that nature, don't make them and won't accept them. Your tolerance may vary obviously!

Is he a grown up communicator usually?

chubfuddler its not so much that the OPs husband has a genuine aversion to cats, I don't think, its more that he always gets his own way and has shut down any discussion about something the OP wants. of course there are some things that aren't negotiable but there should be compromise.

this isn't about the cat.

OP I think you need to stop giving in to him all the time, I think the cat is better going to a home where both people living there want it so prob best leave that one for now, but in other areas of your life don't let him trample over your feelings/needs.

when we're making decisions i don't just back down immediately to avoid argument. im.not a little old lady. i always make my opinion known. but i never like to push it too far. how do you know hoe far you can argue your point?

He strips? Well that might solve the problem.

And massive x post that means irrelevant answer from me. Fuck it, sorry ignore me.

was that question about the to me? if so, I put it there because I meant it was a bit suspect that he'd put you in that position of giving in. Wasn't implying you were 'enabling' him.

You don't know he doesn't have a genuine aversion to cats. I can't stand them myself. If someone I thought knew and loved me declared their intention to bring a cat into our home id get pretty shitty.

totally that's a really helpful post actually. neither of us are grown up communicators.

im actually upset now. realised I've let him control too much now i can't pull it back.

we just end up giving each other the silent treatment. nobody apologises first.

yes sorry i know what you meant now re the thing sorry.

Ah, don't be upset.
Perhaps now you see the pattern you can set about changing it.

things seem so much worse than they are. he's a really great guy normally. i actually trust him, he is kind and generous and we have a nice life.

like i said, we haven't had any major problems in our time together to see how we'd both cope. it's gone swimmingly really. these little 'competitions' are always because if small things like i want to watch a film, but he gets to watch football. stupid little things. but its the little things that bug me because deep down i know if we were faced with a big problem he'd step up. i just hate the competitive shit. it's me as well which makes it worse. and i don't know how to go about making changes. im useless at this relationship stuff.

Again.... I know I am not being helpful here, I love cats, I have had one before and she was no trouble whatsoever.

I got my two kittens at Christmas and they are part of our family now. My Ex and I are very amicable and he has been over and helped me out with a few DIY things and he is all over my cats and that makes me bloody cross because my children missed out when they were little! :(

I cant advise you sadly, except that my ExH not allowing my children to have a pet was all about control. Just the tip of the iceberg.

My kittens make me laugh and smile all the time,whereas my Ex didnt!

Don't say you are useless OP.

Why not post on Rships and get some advice from some people that are wiser than I am

I could have said this: it's gone swimmingly really. these little 'competitions' are always because if small things like i want to watch a film, but he gets to watch football. stupid little things. but its the little things that bug me because deep down i know if we were faced with a big problem he'd step up.

My Ex is still prepared to help out and sort out problems, but it was the constant criticism of my choice of t.v. programmes, books, films, music, etc etc that ground me down :(

You're not useless, he is - if he can never compromise, always strops and sulks until he gets his own way.

You can't live your life giving up every single time just because he acts like a petulant child unless you do.

The cat is irrelevant. It highlights this particular little fucked-up corner of what sounds like an otherwise good relationship.

myroom, it wasn't salvageable for you then?

OP does he like dogs?

We wanted a pet 6 months after we moved in together, both dog people but not allowed dogs in rented houses (often). However this house had a cat flap- so we enquired and we were allowed a cat. Googled the most 'dog-like' cat breed (in terms of personality) and we then ended up with an amazing silver Maine Coon kitten Tinkerbell. 3 houses later we are on to our second Maine Coon, brown tabby Meredith (Merry) and we are completely obsessed..

MC's are affectionate, sweet, funny, clumsy, follow you around the house like a dog, make adorable chirrup noises when they want to talk to you, and are so laid back and fluffy and gorgeous like big purry teddy bears! Everything you will read on them if you google them is true.

Sorry I didnt read whole thread, sure everyone else had useful comments just wanted to say, if you did decide you wanted a cat/pet in future and DC thinks he doesnt like cats, please try a Maine Coon- I actually really disliked cats beforehand but I could not every imagine not having an MC in the house. They have brought me such joy and happiness, they have such lovely personalities and are my big fur babies. You would never regret it I can tell you! My OH is equally as besotted with Merry (We named her that as she literally does not stop purring, she is such a contented cat and is completely adored)

By the way MC's are the largest domestic cat breed so they can get pretty big!!! (ours is 2-3 times the size of moggies her age- more fluffter to love!)

the only time I've 'won' is when i wanted a new pushchair. i went on and on and on. i knew we could afford it but wanted his nod before i ordered. he gave in eventually. never before and never since.

lolly, neither if us like dogs im afraid. but thank you

you're not useless OP! please don't feel that way.

LemonPeculiarJones post has hit nail on head.

if you've both been doing the competitive stuff and its now ingrained/habit the only way to break the cycle is to change things, stop doing it/change your reactions, don't play along with it. choose your battles wisely.

just googled Maine coon cats, lolly. they are gorgeous huge but gorgeous!

Not useless. Learning. Both of you are, together.

Every one of us is the main event in our own head. If we weren't continually socialised by people around us and trained in how to get along with them most of us would be really selfish dicks.

I wasn't trying to say he was an abusive, controlling or a bad person. But that if we aren't all kept in line by each other we get complacent, a bit lazy in our thinking and take people for granted. If we are indulged in behaviours that get us into the habit of thinking and acting for ourselves, that's what we do. We get spoiled.
It's hard to be a grown up. It's easy to act like a child, particularly if it works.

If things are good, if he loves you and is a decent man that does genuinely care about how you feel then it's all good. Because both of you can step up and make the choice to act differently. Talk to him. He should want to try to behave better.
He should put the same amount of effort in as you do. Together you train each other to treat each other with respect.

That doesn't mean fake smiles & stepford wife. But when you argue or talk you're primed to hear each other & work together for mutual benefit. We all have wins & losses but keep count & get resentful you get in a vicious circle that means it's all about fighting your corner against all odds.

Ime. Obviously.
We argue like cats in a sack sometimes but it all serves to work us through what's pissed us off and find a resolution. I can see his pov...even if I think he's being a twat. He lets me let off steam when I'm being unreasonable & make my point. I rarely want to piss in his shoes and blame it on the cat now.

It's only if he doesn't give a shit about changing because this suits him just fine, no matter how you feel, that you have bigger problems.

If neither of you like dogs- get the cat!! Sorry I'm not being helpful am I?

I agree its not about the cat. I posted about an ink cartridge yesterday and it wasnt about the ink cartridge either. Should've been on here with the nice Relationship ladies. Instead I was on AIBU and got slated

I thing you need to sort out the little things, as little things reflect something fundamental in the relationship, and build up to become big things, or develop into bigger things, so whatever ground rules you set at the start can influence what behaviour is deemed as acceptable

dontyou, sounds like discipline advice for parents.

i will try and stand up for myself a bit more and not back down but try not to get embroiled in he said she said and silent treatment. this has gone on too long.

i dont think it's his personality to be like this i think its learned from his father. he was a bellend.

They are amaaaaazing!!!!