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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Had a right kick in the teeth

73 replies

Mollymom · 24/05/2013 21:33

Exdp 'moved out' today with his OW. We split the beginning of april. He has told dd age 5 today that he is thinking of asking OW to marry him. We were together about 18 years and he always said he didnt want to get married.

OW is half his age. All his stuff is still here he has only bothered to take 1 bag of clothes.

Feel utterly sick

OP posts:

Lavenderhoney · 10/06/2013 06:08

What an arse. And how rude and thoughtless of his family to invite the ow and not plus 1 you.

It depends how close you are to the couple getting married re the bridesmaid thing. I would take her myself, and leave after the wedding it if were me, with my dd. but only if we were a close family and they didnt just want a handy bridesmaid. Don't forget that wedding pics will be taken- will you be in them or expected to grit your teeth at your ex and ow?

They just haven't thought it through have they?

Original poster

Mollymom · 10/06/2013 22:18

Exdp's parents didnt say anything when I saw them today. Acted like there was no problem. Exdp has told a mutual friend that he thinks I am being selfish not going to the wedding. Apparently he did suggest to mutual friend that he would not go if OW wasnt invited (its his brothers wedding) no idea if he has said this ti his family tho. I feel like I am barely holding things together emotionally. Every time I think I am getting stronger something else hits me from my blind side

OP posts:

Doha · 10/06/2013 22:31

Mollymum if your ex's DB wants your DD to be bridesmaid then it is up to his family to do the arranging. You are not going to stop her going but you are not going to enable them. They can pick her up from your holiday, they can watch/look after her all day at the wedding and they can return your DD to you at a time and place convenient to you.

They are being totally unreasonable expecting you to attend given the circumstances.
Let them decide if having DD as bridesmaid is worth the extra work involved.

OneMoreCupOfTeaFirst · 10/06/2013 22:35

I think it would be ridiculous to expect you to offer up your dd as a pretty bridesmaid at his wedding to a woman half his age, after he left her mother.

He sounds like a dickhead.

OneMoreCupOfTeaFirst · 10/06/2013 22:40

Sorry. I get it now. But STILL. There's a limit to what you can endure and I think a five year old would be as happy (happier) taking a friend to a soft play area. So don't be made feel guilty, that you're depriving her of some big magical experience. My friend married a man who had a daughter. She was 8 at the time. The child's parents had never been together so it wasn't the same at all but that child was like a lost soul at the wedding. She wandered up to her Dad all the time and he kept fobbing her off, go to Aunt Y or Aunt B. I had a dd of 8 at the time. I felt for her.

Original poster

Mollymom · 10/06/2013 22:48

Thank you all. I just feel exhausted by it all. His family just dont seem to understand at all.

OP posts:

pigsDOfly · 10/06/2013 22:53

So you're the selfish one are you Mollymom? Are these people totally without any empathy and understanding at all?

As your thread goes on I'm beginning to think that if you don't let your DD be a bridesmaid, as unfair as it is, you're going to be judged very harshly by them and no doubt they will leave your DD in no doubt that you stopped her being a bridesmaid.

I agree you're probably going to have to let her go, but there is no reason why you have to be there. As others have said, let them do all the arranging and running around. And in future I would distance myself from them. They sound as unreasonable and unpleasant as your exp and contact with them is really not helping you move on with your own life.

Doha · 10/06/2013 22:54

They don't understand because they don't want to understand. To understand would mean them facing up to the awfulness of your ex's behaviour and they are not prepare to do that.

It is time to please yourself Mollymum you have had a heap of MNers reassuring you that you are not being unreasonable to not want to take DD to the wedding.
Go on your holiday and forget the whole rotton bunch of them

Original poster

Mollymom · 10/06/2013 23:06

Think I've had a revelation maybe? Think I am suffering grief for the relationship I thought I had with his family on top of everything else. Thats why it feels so tough.

OP posts:

Doha · 10/06/2013 23:13

Think you are probably right, They have all been a big part of your life for so long. As l said upthread blood is thicker than water and although his DP's are still in contact, they have obviously accepted OW into the fold. Your relationship now with them is different. Mo longer theri sond DP but theri GDG's mother.
It may be better if you could withdraw from them for your own good.

2712 · 10/06/2013 23:14

Well he won't even be with her in August cs
o by then he will have come to his senses and will be begging you to take him back. Whereby you tell him to feck off.

Original poster

Mollymom · 10/06/2013 23:35

Again thank you all for the support. I'd never have him back now. Its going to take longer than I thought to deal with it all.

OP posts:

bbqsummer · 11/06/2013 00:02

No way would I let my dd be a bridesmaid. He only moved out in April, she is only 5, and she gets to see daddy at her uncle's wedding, getting snoggy and touchy with a woman who isn't mummy, and mummy isn't there?

Fuck that. I think it would be grossly damaging to allow your dd to witness such a scene and i see no reason why you shouldn't explain that nicely but plainly to all of your ex in-laws.

I have an extremely pretty age 5 bridesmaids' dress (baby-pink taffeta, all sticky-outy) that i can post you for your DD to wear on the day of the wedding and you can take her to a nice cafe that day, wearing it.

((moons at your stupid ex in-laws))

Original poster

Mollymom · 11/06/2013 00:03

Thsnk you bbq that made me laugh x

OP posts:

TheSecondComing · 11/06/2013 00:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Mollymom · 11/06/2013 00:21

I really hope not. That would really hurt. I carry a genetic condition so decided on only having dd. If he had more it would floor me. I would have loved to have another child

OP posts:

bbqsummer · 11/06/2013 00:25

You're incredibly calm and sanguine OP. Had you been expecting this split for a while?

Original poster

Mollymom · 11/06/2013 00:36

I knew something was wrong when he started staying out a lot after xmas so its fairly all recent. Calm? I am a very quiet person and usually laid back. Perhaps my downfall?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mollymom · 11/06/2013 00:39

I knew something was wrong when he started staying out a lot after xmas so its fairly all recent. Calm? I am a very quiet person and usually laid back. Perhaps my downfall? Or I am just really tired.

OP posts:

bbqsummer · 11/06/2013 00:46

Well you sound lovely. And maybe it's time you broke out of your shell and started making a bit of a stand for yourself. You hold all the cards really. Especially ijn the area of creating a fulfilled and interesting life for yourself and DD.

You can take her on fun trips away - abroad for a week here and there, a night in London, a boating trip, whatever you like. Your exP on the other hand has already tied himself down to some new bird he will end up feeling inadequate and paranoid with.

Original poster

Mollymom · 11/06/2013 00:48

Thank you x

OP posts:

bbqsummer · 11/06/2013 01:09

I can send you the gorgeous pink dress, no problem. Serious like! It would be nice to know another little girl had a great day in it. PM me if you like. Be strong and proud. You are her mother. YOU know best. x

comedycentral · 11/06/2013 17:13

I really feel bad for for. He and his family are being so thoughtless.

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