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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Had a right kick in the teeth

73 replies

Mollymom · 24/05/2013 21:33

Exdp 'moved out' today with his OW. We split the beginning of april. He has told dd age 5 today that he is thinking of asking OW to marry him. We were together about 18 years and he always said he didnt want to get married.

OW is half his age. All his stuff is still here he has only bothered to take 1 bag of clothes.

Feel utterly sick

OP posts:
Original poster
Mollymom · 27/05/2013 23:54

I really feel like not going. I have been part of their family for 18 years. They meet OW one time and she gets invited. I feel as betrayed by them as by him. Dd would be so disappointed not to be bridesmaid tho and think she would be very sad if I was not there to see her. Am so angry. Will need to sleep on this for several nights.

OP posts:
eccentrica · 28/05/2013 00:00

She's only 5, she won't care either way. Look after yourself Flowers

Mimishimi · 28/05/2013 00:17

Go to te wedding .... And take a date ;)

joblot · 28/05/2013 08:00

Yes yes take someone for moral support preferably someone gorgeous

mamas12 · 28/05/2013 09:16

What a crap situation so sorry you've found yourself put into this place. Is there anyone you can phone or do a block email to all his family explaining how shitty this is for dd and you emphasising how confusing and potentially upsetting his cd be for dd by watching her mother get pushed out like this. Try and appeal to their sense of fairness, at the very ow would get ininvited or only invited for the evening do so you and dd have the day and ow the evening if not don't go it's not worth it. If their decision is to stick with them the consequence being dd is not a bridesmaid so be it they will have to understand how upsetting it would be for dd if you re not there so she can't go .

Mosman · 28/05/2013 09:21

Bridesmaid ? Is he on bloody drugs ?
I don't know what goes through these idiots minds. Give it six months of them living together I bet there's no wedding.

Mosman · 28/05/2013 09:24

Sorry just read your DD is bridesmaid for somebody else.
Go to the wedding and hire an escort, where are you my hot 28 year old brother will take you and be all over you like a rash pulling your chair out, making sure your glass is filled all night !

Original poster
Mollymom · 28/05/2013 11:24

Thanks Mosman! He has picked up some stuff today and was chatting about this wedding like there was no issue with OW being there. Will sleep on it some more.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/05/2013 12:07

If he were Tom Cruise he'd be leaping on a sofa on the Oprah show.

All part of projecting the fantasy-come-alive "We're so happy... it's so right...let's show everyone how much in love we are". A fair bit of "Look I pulled a woman half my age" self-congratulatory smirking. It's PR. So what. Ignore.

Go in August, take a date, look fabulous.

Darkesteyes · 28/05/2013 16:33

sorry to here this OP Your ex is a selfish idiot.
Please take up Mosmans offer. I would.

Original poster
Mollymom · 05/06/2013 10:32

Have decided not to go to the wedding. It would be a pretty awful day for me. Alas the invite did not have a plus one. Havent told his family yet will do that tomorrow so it will be interesting to see how they take it. I wont stop dd being a bridesmaid cos she is so looking forward to it but am not sure how to explain that I wont be there. Should I just be honest and say me and ow are not friends so if she is there or anywhere then mommy wont be?

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 05/06/2013 11:48

I think you're very wise not to go to the wedding. You don't need to have this pushed at you.

I also think it's going to be very difficult for you to wave your DD off to be a bridesmaid to someone wedding who is showing so little regard for your feeling that they have invited this new woman to their wedding. They must realise you wouldn't want to be there.

Could you not explain to DD that you can't be at the wedding (don't give her a reason) so the 2 of you are going to spend the day doing something else; take her out and make it as exciting as possible (Euro Disney if you can afford it, or something similar).

I fear your relationship with his family is going to cool considerably. Their behaviour in this leaves a lot to be desired.

Original poster
Mollymom · 05/06/2013 12:21

Me and dd are on holiday the week of the wedding anyway. We were going straight to the wedding from holiday (it would have been easily do-able) so could distract her with that and if her dad insist he will have to come and pick her up. Think his parents do fear that our relationship will be affected but I do feel really let down. I do wonder if exp threatened not to go if ow wasnt invited.

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 05/06/2013 13:38

Well Molly you've got a good excuse for not being able to get back in time if you're on holiday.

She's five years old, as you say you can distract her with something more exciting than a wedding, which IMO are pretty dull things anyway.

I expect you're right about him refusing to go if ow wasn't invited, which would have put everyone else in a pretty awkward position. Well let them get on with it, and have a lovely holiday with DD.

utterlyconfused11 · 05/06/2013 15:56

Tell them to stick the wedding their insensitive and dam right out of order...dont go. Don't worry if she is younger she will probably leave him for someone better if shes doing someone elses husband she obviously has no morals...what goes around comes around.

Original poster
Mollymom · 09/06/2013 21:44

Updating again. Turns out it was a whole family decision to invite OW. No idea what their reasoning for that was. I have told the bride and groom I am not going. They said they really wanted me there. Yes so why invite OW? Did they not think it was at best a little bit too soon? Feel more let down then before. Am seeing exdp's parents tomorrow so that will be interesting.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/06/2013 21:55

MM, you have been let down over and over

You are not in the wrong here

Do what feels best for you and you daughter

if that involves withdrawing her from bridesmaidsly duties, so be it

if you don't wish to do that for her sake, you are under no obligation to play happy families with your ex and his new squeeze to keep these peripheral players happy

look after yourself first and foremost x

Doha · 09/06/2013 22:00

I tyhink you made the correct decision about the wedding and l wouldn't be inconveniencing myself getting DD to the wedding to be bridesmade.
The entire family have been very insensitive inviting the OW although they may feel she will soon be family. Very difficult situation.
However they are not your "blood" family and l think there will have to be quite a bit of distancing between them and yourself-despite his behaviour your ex is sill their son.
Go on holiday have fun and if DD is to be bridesmaid then arrangements will have to be made for her to be collected and returned to you, and any dress buying, rehearsals etc will have to be organised by them IF it suits you to let her go.
As for exdp's [arents, don't let them bully you or try to change your decision, stay strong. The situation was not caused by you or your actions--they have to look to their son's behaviour and blame him for the subsequent fall out

RandomMess · 09/06/2013 22:08

Urgh that is just so insensitive!!!

Look after yourself and let your ex start living in the reality of what he's done.

gettingeasiernow · 09/06/2013 22:13

Can she walk up the aisle in the dress/with the flowers without going to the reception? I think you are the person she wants to see her perform. That way she can perform but no need to mingle/socialise after.

So sorry, this is so shite. But what goes around comes around. Karma and all that. By then, you will have moved on and you won't be interested that he gets his comeuppance though.

Be kind to yourself, hold your head high, and know that it will get better.

Original poster
Mollymom · 09/06/2013 22:16

Thank you all so much for your support. Its very reassuring to know orher people think the same. I will not be making any effort to transport dd to the wedding. Not my problem as I see it.

OP posts:
BarredfromhavingStella · 09/06/2013 22:33

What an absolute cunt-you had a lucky escape-don't pay any attention to him & clear his shit out.

Areyoumadorisitme · 09/06/2013 22:40

Just seen this and feel for you. It would be very hard for you to go to the wedding so I think you made the right decision. It will be interesting to see what ex's parents say tomorrow. I think you're right to let dd go and be the bridesmaid but it's up to ex to take her there.

Good luck.

C999875 · 09/06/2013 23:16

So sorry for your heartbreaking experience but I will say this Karma and the fates will have their beady eyes on them and one day and yes it may take years, but they'll get them. (ex d.p and o.w)
Thank God you've seen his true ways he doesn't deserve you. One day you will find someone else and learn to trust again. xxxx

Roma2013 · 10/06/2013 02:07

Very insensitive of them to place you and your dd in such a position. Also, if you don t allow her to go, you're seen as vengeful and denying a little girl of something she was looking forward to. Very very unfair to define you like this. People like to brush bad feeling/actions/shitty behaviour under the carpet. They think 'let's be fair to both parties' but it's not a level playing field is it? Your ex and his new gf haven't been hurt have they? And if you don't let her go, it wouldn't surprise me if your ex played up to your daughter the fact that it was 'mummy's fault' she couldn't be a bridesmaid.